Cannot support my sisters affair

[ztmymmy]

And how...how do you know this? Maybe everything is going down exactly as it is supposed to. How on green earth can you say this statement above is true?

 

 

OP said herself, multiple times, that BH is good man and "like a brother" to her.And he is only going to therapy because of accusations he was correct to make, but his wife fooled him in order to extract more money out of him.

Edited July 25, 2017 by ztmymmy

[BluesPower]

And how...how do you know this? Maybe everything is going down exactly as it is supposed to. How on green earth can you say this statement above is true?

 

Honor? Imo OP will check hers at the door if she turns this into the Lishy show. Which she seems to have no interest in doing.

 

Anyway, good luck Lishy.

 

I know this because OP said as much that is how. This guy did nothing wrong, his STBXW has him chasing his tale because he thinks that she is cheating and he is right.

 

So YES his life is being torn apart through no fault of his own. Are we even reading the same thread???

[elaine567]

You don't see how that can backfire horribly once he puts 2 and 2 together?

 

Maybe it will maybe it won't, but that is still no reason for his wife''s sister to get involved up to her neck in it, is it?

As the messenger she will most likely get shot anyway and her sister will never forgive her...

Great!!!

 

As I said before, the BH will no doubt disappear from everyone's life almost as soon as he gets divorced, the OP will be the one left picking up the pieces, that is if her sister ever speaks to her again....

 

As for the unibomber...

[Globug]

I have been in your situation twice. Once when a good friend was cheating on her husband, another time when a good friend was having an affair with a married man.

 

 

Both times I took the same route. I told them up front what I thought about their choices, that I did not agree, that I felt it was going to end badly, that I loved them but I could not support them. I also told them I would not lie for them. No I had no plans to out them but I would not have lied to them. If the ones husband had ever asked me if she was cheating on him I would say: "You need to ask her that." That would have been answer enough.

They were not allowed to talk to me about the affair partner, I would not be around them, we would not discuss that aspect of their life PERIOD.

 

 

 

 

In the end I lost the one friend when her husband eventually found out, left her and then her affair left her. Just like I told her it would happen. She felt I was not sympathetic to her and told me "It is better to be kind then right."

 

 

The other one respected my choice not to hear or be a part of her bad choices & when it ended the way I told her it would she just said: "I wish I had listened." and our friendship has grown & blossomed. You are right to be scared. This will eventually explode in your sister's face & she will have nothing.

But you cannot save her from her bad choices. You can just love her despite of them.

[ztmymmy]

Maybe it will maybe it won't, but that is still no reason for his wife''s sister to get involved up to her neck in it, is it?

As the messenger she will most likely get shot anyway and her sister will never forgive her...

Great!!!

 

As I said before, the BH will no doubt disappear from everyone's life almost as soon as he gets divorced, the OP will be the one left picking up the pieces, that is if her sister ever speaks to her again....

 

As for the unibomber...

 

Yeah, BH will just disappear to be replaced with OM (who according to OP is not a nice bloke) and they will be big happy family again.... LOL

 

OP admitted that once their family knows (hers and her sisters, not BH's) they will be very mad and especially for how BH was treated:

 

I cannot bare this - My family will turn against me for knowing this and they will disown her for the lies and for letting her STBX go to therapy to deal with his jealousy issues when he was right all along and he had reason to be jealous!

 

The only exit out of this mess is to do whatever it takes to wake up the sister.

[Imajerk17]

How do you propose anyone tell a woman who is in her forties at least, if not her fifties to do anything, that she is not in the mood to do anyway.

 

The OP does not want to start World War Three with her sister, her sister is her best friend so what good would that do her?

All very well to preach fire and brimstone on the net, but this is a real relationship with real people, sisters who have history and who hopefully have a future together.

Yes, she can throw that all away over this affair and justify being "right", but when both are old pensioners and lonely as hell as they can no longer even speak to one another, then is it really worth being "right" here?

 

OP can't "make" her sister end the affair, but she CAN make sure that STBXH (and their kids--whom OP is an AUNT to) don't get completely ripped off.

 

And it might not be worth being "right" when it comes to smaller, pettier things, but not when it comes to something as serious as this, when innocent people are going to get their lives ruined. I mean, let's take this line of thinking your espousing even further. I am curious what would you and the other suggest if OP's sister took to robbing banks or going on a shooting spree. Would you suggest OP not say anything?

 

ETA: Just saw that @Superchicken already said something like the above. Great minds think alike!

 

(Not picking on you elaine, but I responded to you as your post seems to do the most thorough jobs representing the other side of this argument.)

Edited July 25, 2017 by Imajerk17

[elaine567]

OP can't "make" her sister end the affair, but she CAN make sure that STBXH (and their kids--whom OP is an AUNT to) don't get completely ripped off.

 

But are they really being "ripped off"?

The children are both adults anyway.

 

As the wife in the divorce she is due her share, her adultery makes little difference in most Western locations nowadays, so she will not be walking away penniless due to her "sin", will she?

As a SAHM for 30 years, I guess she will be due something for that too.

So just getting her share, can hardly be seen as ripping anyone off, can it?

[ztmymmy]

But are they really being "ripped off"?

The children are both adults anyway.

 

As the wife in the divorce she is due her share, her adultery makes little difference in most Western locations nowadays, so she will not be walking away penniless due to her "sin", will she?

As a SAHM for 30 years, I guess she will be due something for that too.

So just getting her share, can hardly be seen as ripping anyone off, can it?

 

Yeah, apparently the children are adults.That means they can cut out their mom and aunt out of their lives.Another reason the affair needs to end before it causes irreparable damage.

 

 

Following on what OP said, the wife/sister is definitely getting more than what she would get if the truth was known:

 

My sister has turned from a woman of principle to a lying cheat who is using everyone to her advantage, she has not told the truth because she wants money from her STBX and expects him to financially support her as she does not work plus OM has put money in her account - She shows no remorse for breaking up a family and walking away from hers. It is like she has become someone I do not know anymore

[Lishy]

I have such great feedback, advise and retrospective

 

Thank you guys xx

[William]

Moderation did some cleanup of what Robert termed 'hateful' posts, and I agree, so let's not revisit that tone and stay focused on the topic. Thanks!

[snflwrgrl]

Your story is a perfect example of how affairs can sear a person's conscience and destroy entire families. :'( It's never worth it! I commend you for not supporting your sister's affair. My sister and brother-in-law have been married for over 30 years too and he is like a brother to me. <3 Have you considered talking to your sister, telling her that you have always seen her as a woman of principal and you are concerned about how this affair is changing her? Have you thought about telling her that you've always felt more like a best friend to her than a sister, that you only want what's best for her and you have some real concerns about OM, and you don't want to be a part of any of this, that you think what she is doing is wrong? Have you encouraged her to tell her husband? Is there anyone else your sister might listen to? Do you have a local church or family pastor that you could speak to who would be willing to give you some advice and/or confront your sister about what she's doing and hold her accountable? Sometimes when light is shown in the darkness what you've been doing in the darkness isn't so appealing or fun anymore. I'll be praying for you as you decide what to do, for direction and for peace with your decision. Thank you for sharing your story! Best wishes.

[Lishy]

Your story is a perfect example of how affairs can sear a person's conscience and destroy entire families. :'( It's never worth it! I commend you for not supporting your sister's affair. My sister and brother-in-law have been married for over 30 years too and he is like a brother to me. <3 Have you considered talking to your sister, telling her that you have always seen her as a woman of principal and you are concerned about how this affair is changing her? Have you thought about telling her that you've always felt more like a best friend to her than a sister, that you only want what's best for her and you have some real concerns about OM, and you don't want to be a part of any of this, that you think what she is doing is wrong? Have you encouraged her to tell her husband? Is there anyone else your sister might listen to? Do you have a local church or family pastor that you could speak to who would be willing to give you some advice and/or confront your sister about what she's doing and hold her accountable? Sometimes when light is shown in the darkness what you've been doing in the darkness isn't so appealing or fun anymore. I'll be praying for you as you decide what to do, for direction and for peace with your decision. Thank you for sharing your story! Best wishes.

 

I have said every single thing you have mentioned and she won't budge one bit .... now I am left feeling judgemental and non supportive as she has pulled back from me now ... it's such an awful situation

[beatcuff]

I have said every single thing you have mentioned and she won't budge one bit .... now I am left feeling judgemental and non supportive as she has pulled back from me now ... it's such an awful situation

you are confusing and combining the act and the person. have you not made a mistake? have you stopped dating someone your parents or siblings or friends disapproved of? should they 'disown' you because you made a decision you believe is in your best interest? should your sister (no doubt, once again) put aside her happiness to conform to your (society's) vision of her? should this one act overrule a lifetime of companionship? can she now expect you to follow her directives?

 

she did not marry you, she is betraying her H, her M not you. you disagree with the A. your right. but its her life. her decision. her right. you certainly can/should voice your objection about this TO HER privately. have you ever seen choosing sides publicly end well: one or the other will not be happy with you. i would always chose family, would you?

 

my brother cheated on his pregnant wife (can't get much worse than that). his W was my W were best friend (they did everything together). A was not a secret. i took him out for a beer. heard his side (rather weak). told him he was dumb, stupid, would be in court every two years (child support, fine it was only 5 times over 18 years). he said 'i am not happy (with his W) should i continue this mistake or admit and move forward'. that was the last time we spoke of it. can't say it ended better than if they stayed together but he, his ex, their children all did fine. AND i still have a good relationship with my brother (and his children). and we still consult with each other --- because we value the opinion (without judgement).

 

you stated your objection to the act. now support her as a person, as your sister. she will appreciate it as time moves forward. i suggest you reach out to her. tell her you are mad she is did this. but you overstepped and let emotions over take you. maybe then you can rebuild your relationship. good luck.

[mercy]

I have said every single thing you have mentioned and she won't budge one bit .... now I am left feeling judgemental and non supportive as she has pulled back from me now ... it's such an awful situation

 

Don't carry this burden, it isn't yours. Put it right back on your sisters shoulders where it belongs.

 

We're not always going to love what our sisters do but we can still love them.

 

I asked my sister (exOW) what she would do, if she were you, I about fell out of my chair when she said she'd tell my h immediately! Sisters, you never know.

 

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child. Linda Sunshine

[ztmymmy]

you are confusing and combining the act and the person. have you not made a mistake? have you stopped dating someone your parents or siblings or friends disapproved of? should they 'disown' you because you made a decision you believe is in your best interest?

 

Apparently the rest of their family will disown them both when they find out:

 

 

 

I cannot bare this - My family will turn against me for knowing this and they will disown her for the lies and for letting her STBX go to therapy to deal with his jealousy issues when he was right all along and he had reason to be jealous!

 

 

 

 

should your sister (no doubt, once again) put aside her happiness to conform to your (society's) vision of her?

 

Except the sister's happiness involves stepping all over her BH and OM's wife and children.

 

 

she did not marry you, she is betraying her H, her M not you. you disagree with the A. your right. but its her life. her decision. her right. you certainly can/should voice your objection about this TO HER privately. have you ever seen choosing sides publicly end well: one or the other will not be happy with you. i would always chose family, would you?

 

 

The rest of her family will not be happy with the sister and her actions either.

 

You can love and support your family, but i personally will never sit back while they ruin multiple lives.

Edited July 26, 2017 by ztmymmy

[Lishy]

I guess I have to learn to accept that her decisions are hers and I cannot make them for her

[Krtk]

So your sister is a lost cause she's not coming out of her fairy land that's fine it's her life she can do whatever **** she wants to do,but pls try to save your BIL he's going through mental stress of something he right about all along he's try to find what wrong with him when everything is right with him and your sister just keeping him blind and top of that cheating him on marriage and financial cheating may Karma serve her but atleast try to save him as a fellow human being if you valued the relationship you had and meant the word you said about him just show your not same as cold as your sister if don't see much difference between you both.

[Popsicle]

I've been in this position too with my best friend who is like a sister. I agree with Timshel. Tell her you don't support it and don't want to hear ANYMORE about it (she can find someone else to talk to about it) and stand down. Be firm because she'll want to keep you as her affair confidant. If it's any consolation 30 years is a good run and the marriage was probably over anyway.

[Popsicle]

Lishly, I'd like to point out that sometimes divorces are ugly and soul crushing anyway even without infidelity. I'm talking about how the whole family feels once the dynamics of D start to play out. People feel hurt and shocked and almost in a panic to try and save lives and put things back together. Even without infidelity. I get the feeling that this is what you and your family would have felt anyway.

 

It sounds like your sister has been wanting to leave but was paralyzed to do so. Now the affair has given her courage. There are degrees of wanting to leave and whether she ends up with her MM or not, if she stays gone and without regret for leaving, then she really wanted out.

Edited July 31, 2017 by Popsicle

[Lishy]

Well it seems that the wife has my sisters address which means she has my BIL phone number and she is giving over snippets ... it's a matter of time before she blows it open

 

Guess it will all come out now ... I am so stressed

[Popsicle]

Well it seems that the wife has my sisters address which means she has my BIL phone number and she is giving over snippets ... it's a matter of time before she blows it open

 

Guess it will all come out now ... I am so stressed

 

Don t be stressed. A lot of people stay together after an affair.

[Lishy]

I am so worried what BIL will do

[Popsicle]

I am so worried what BIL will do

 

He'll be angry/hurt at first but more than likely he'll stay with her and they'll reconcile.

[ztmymmy]

I am so worried what BIL will do

 

Hopefully, he will stick to his guns.Playing nice and going to counselling for his justified "jealousy issues", obviously did him no favors.

 

 

 

 

If it's any consolation 30 years is a good run and the marriage was probably over anyway.

 

 

It sounds like your sister has been wanting to leave but was paralyzed to do so. Now the affair has given her courage. There are degrees of wanting to leave and whether she ends up with her MM or not, if she stays gone and without regret for leaving, then she really wanted out.

 

 

Don t be stressed. A lot of people stay together after an affair.

 

 

He'll be angry/hurt at first but more than likely he'll stay with her and they'll reconcile.

 

 

"The marriage was probably over anyway, the affair just gave her the strength to walk away, but they'll definitely reconcile"

 

I agree that exposing an affair can be a wake up call for a cheater, but there's no guarantee here.Especially if she continues to view her BH as nothing more than a piggy bank.

[Lishy]

Thank you for your help guys x