Seeking marriage counseling after a baby of 6 months?

[Throwaway9.9.99]

I will try and keep this as short as possible. I'll break it down into TLDR's (too long didn't read) of each issue and a final TLDR.

 

I am 29, wife is 31 and baby is a little over 6 months old.

 

I am another fight away with my wife from just losing it (can't emotionally take this anymore) and wanting to ask for marriage counseling and the more I think about it, the more I don't even know I can wait until the next fight.

 

Our son was born in January, 3 months early. He spent most of that time in the NICU and is perfectly healthy, and has been home for 4 months. He has a good routine now, only gets up once a night to feed and is usually content, short of having to rock him to sleep sometimes at night. My wife is going through some postpartum depression symptoms and is seeing someone on occasion for it (she won't talk to me about these sessions nor accept my suggestion that I come to a session)

 

Since she became pregnant, my unhappiness began to increase, I shook it off as her hormones and that it would pass, but unhappiness continued after he was born and once she went back to work that is when it got exponentially worse.

 

We fight a lot, and have periods of good and bad. Right now it's fine, well other than a spat in the store yesterday, but Friday of the week before last (the 14th) I thought the same, it had been almost 2 weeks since our last fight, but that fight nearly pushed me over. Even the next day I was still pissed about the fight and told my self if we have another big fight soon, I'm going to ask that we see a counselor as it was clear we're not making progress and that when things seem good, they aren't getting better, but just holding steady

 

 

The fights boil down to 3 things

 

1. me wanting to occasionally go out with friends

2. money (and her spending)

3. sex and connection (and the lack there of)

 

 

Issue 1:

 

It wasn't too bad when she was home, but since she went back to work, its been nearly impossible for me to go out with friends and impossible if she works the next day without a big fight. Even me politely asking sets her off. I'm not looking to go out every night, or every weekend nor late, but I need a break once in a while. I don't even like to ask her if I can go to the gym on the weekends for fear of her reaction.

 

 

Our friends do trivia every Monday, I suggested maybe I could go every other week. She shoots that down. She says she needs me to help her with the baby if he's fussy and she needs to get ready for work the next day

 

 

I suggest leaving him with my parents and I (or we) go, she shoots that down as she wants him home and to be home.

 

 

I suggest maybe my mom comes over and help, she shoots that down as she claims she can't really relax with someone who isn't me at home

 

 

So I suggest a few compromises, and she says no to all of them. She isn't ready yet for him to spend the night either sadly.

 

 

And before people start to assume that she does all the house work, that is false. I do nearly everything at home: cook, clean, take the dogs out, walk the dogs, feed the baby while she's at work (I'm off during the summer) or if he needs a bottle to supplement, make her lunch the next day, pick up around the house, do yard work, go the store, freeze her extra milk, make his bottles, clean his bottles, rock him to sleep at night, etc. The only big things she does is feed him when she's home (which is easier for her than pumping) and laundry, which just seems to be her thing, and I'll help with that when she asks.

 

We go out with friends some weekends, but it has to be something she wants to do too and typically has to bring the baby even though my parents are happy to baby sit. I've even tried to get her friends to invite her out, she'll agree once in a while, but most of the time she just wants to be at home with the baby.

 

And I feel this problem of me wanting to go out is going to get worse when I go back to work as I'm going to do all of the above, plus be working and dropping and picking up our son. I need to socialize, it helps me de-stress and unwind.

 

TLDR1: I'm at home with the baby all day, and do the vast majority of the house work, and my wife doesn't let me out of the house with friends unless she wants to come and bring the baby.

 

Issue 2:

 

I've come to terms that she'll always spend more than me. Her spending doesn't put us into debt, but we've had some big expenses recently. Hospital bill, had to replace our AC and have had some big pet expenses.

 

She can't seem to understand why it bugs me we're paying $8 a month for showtime and we're not watching it. I told her it doesn't bother me if we're watching it, or that her getting massages doesn't bother me because she's getting use out of it. She sees it as only $8 and that it doesn't matter.

 

The big issue was my cat and her dog. My cat had to have $3k worth of surgery, and there was only one or two places that could do it, both pricey. Her dog had to have a noncancerous lymphoid removed. Our normal vet could do it, but had no openings for a month. The only other place she trusts is a very expensive place, they do great work and do things most places can't, but not worth going for minor operations. They wanted to charge $2k for it. A simple operation that most regular vets could do, wife wouldn't even agree to ask a couple other trusted vets (our vet recommend other vets and my parents also recommended their vet), so vets that people we trust were recommending. Wife wouldn't even consider it, she made it sound like I wanted to take the dog to a back alley vet or something. I would have been open with the more pricey one had we asked around, but she wouldn't do that. I'm confident we could have saved a good chunk of change.

 

On top of this, we have a cleaning lady come every two weeks because my wife likes the house unrealistically clean (she's also worse at cleaning up after herself than I am). I didn't have much choice in it, but I agreed hoping it would lead to her being more relaxed and letting me do things or wanting more sex, as she said it would make her less stressed, well all it does is make me more stressed and doesn't' really seem to help her. She claims it's temporary, but I have my doubts about it because when I go back to work, I'll have less time to pick up.

 

My only real monthly expense is my phone bill, which is cheaper than hers. Only thing I can really cut back on is alcohol which I have some, don't get a beer every time we eat out and have passed on restocking some of my favorite beer and bourbon until I'm out of other options.

 

TLDR2: We've had a lot of mandatory expenses this year and my wife is unwilling to cut back on her expenses at all or even seek alternatives. I don't really have any to cut back on, I don't get a beer when out as often

 

 

Issue 3:

 

We almost never have sex and I feel no connection to my wife anymore. I feel like we're roommates that share a bed and bank account.

 

Now I know breastfeeding can lower/kill a woman's sex drive, but this is still an issue. We've had sex twice since he's been born and maybe only once or twice while she was pregnant.

 

I can't even kiss her good night most nights, I have to ask and if she isn't absolutely ready she says no and/or gives off a sigh of annoyance. So I just have to wait when I'm ready for bed as she gets ready and does what ever the hell she does when she gets ready for bed before kissing her goodnight. I usually just close my eyes and go to bed as I'm not going to just wait when I'm ready for bed.

 

If I want to cuddle, I pretty much have to ask for fear of her getting upset that I'm in her bubble and even then it's not really cuddling. Its just laying close to each other with a hand on each other.

 

I know some of this isn't uncommon, but I'd like to see her make an effort once in a while. I couldn't even get her to agree to let him spend the night at my parents on our anniversary last month. Not that I was expecting sex. But it would have been nice to go out, get dinner, some dessert and who knows what else. It was a nice night, maybe a walk in the part would have been nice, who knows, but after dessert, we had to go pick him up and get him home to get him ready for bed. Hard to feel a connection when my wife doesn't want to make our anniversary special. She also has said she has a hard time feeling connected to me during a fight and I said the same thing.

 

Even before this I've had some worry about her sex drive, but she's always had a reason and now I kind of have to wonder if it's never going to bounce back. At first sex was good, then she started night shift, killed it because she was tired. That's understandable, then she got to day shift, but switched to a new birth control so it might take some time to see how her body adjusts, but soon after that she went off birth control and we got pregnant. Since her placenta never fully attached, her body was doing more work and thus was more tired and didn't want much sex. Now she doesn't feel attractive (she still is and I've tried to encourage her to work out and eat better, but she doesn't stick with it), its uncomfortable for her and she just isn't interested in sex. While by themselves they all seem like reasons to give her a pass, but there is always another reason when one reason/excuse ends.

 

TLDR3: We don't have sex, her sex drive was dwindling (due to legit different reasons) before the baby and I worry it will never bounce back. Plus just trying to be close to her like cuddling or a good night kiss isn't easy and has left me feeling unconnected.

 

Yesterday I thought we were going to get in a fight at the store because I wanted to stock up on meat the next day at a different story. Really don't like meijer for their meat, I feel its over priced, and she got all mad at that. It wasn't going to affect her as I would go the next day while she was at work

TLDR: My wife and I fight a lot, over the same things and make no progress since baby has come home 4 months ago. We fight over me going out once in a while with friends, about money and her spending, and sex and feeling no connection. I try to tell her that my needs aren't being met and that leads to a fight if we aren't already fighting. I do nearly everything right now in terms of the baby and chores short of breast feeding and I feel neglected and abandoned. I would have an easier time if I were a single parent because I could at least ask my parents to take him when I need a break and need to see friends.

 

I'm at the end of the rope I feel and I want to know am I a bad husband for wanting to ask for marriage counseling this soon? Should I wait longer? Should I wait until after the next fight or should I ask now? I am afraid that the longer I wait to ask for it, the more disconnected and resentful I'll feel and the less counseling might work. I know having a baby changes things, and I've given up a lot and a compromise a lot for my wife and son, but I don't feel like my wife is compromising at all for her husband. I know the baby is always number 1, he is for me, but she doesn't even seem to consider me anymore.

[Novz]

That was a long read but I notice you did a very good narration of your dilemmas. Based on your thread you attempted to talk to her about the problems, although those were not settled. At least, you reached out. Also, you tried compromising. Which again is good. I don't see any problem you asking help on a marriage counselling. But if you allow my suggestion, can you not take giving your partner some more time? In order to change her mood, how about surprising her with a date? or give her words of affirmation? I know it is hard but there's no harm in trying?

 

I really wish you find a way to settle the issues between you and your partner.

 

P.S. Enjoy every sec with your baby

[somanymistakes]

Babies are stressful as hell, even more than pregnancies. You guys having trouble right now doesn't mean the marriage is doomed.

 

It does mean, though, that you need help! You are over burdened and you don't feel supported by your wife. Perhaps she is too wrapped up in her own pressures to really understand how she's making you feel.

 

Counselling is a good idea to facilitate communication between you. It doesn't sound like waiting will improve things. If she protests, point out that you're doing it because you care and you WANT your family life with your wife and kid to be happy.

[knabe]

You have a 6 month old preemie. Get over the guys' night stuff for awhile. As far as the spending, yes, you need a budget.

 

Could she have post partem depression? It is even more common in parents of preemies because of the initial exhaustion and stress after childbirth.

 

I'll be honest, you're coming off as pretty selfish.

[BluesPower]

You have a 6 month old preemie. Get over the guys' night stuff for awhile. As far as the spending, yes, you need a budget.

 

Could she have post partem depression? It is even more common in parents of preemies because of the initial exhaustion and stress after childbirth.

 

I'll be honest, you're coming off as pretty selfish.

 

He is off during the summer so he is a teacher probably. Cool.

 

So he is doing everything except laundry and breast feeding. And some how he is selfish?

 

They are not having sex, she is in a pissy mood, probably PPD, and he is the one that is being selfish.

 

Here is reality, if a woman has a man doing all of these things and staying home for the summer, she might want to through him a BJ every now and then or I can assure you he will not be around for long, MC or not.

 

Even the weakest man will not stand for this for ever.

 

You see knabe a lot of woman tend to forget that they have a husband once they have a baby. Some of it is understandable but most of it is not.

 

A lot of woman make the mistake or ignoring their husbands at their own risk. The relationship may change with children but it is still important. This is a mistake that so many people make. Oh, we have kids so we don't matter to each other anymore, not...

 

This, BTW, is coming from a man that has changed many, many diapers and got up to feed the kids so she could sleep and still was the sole bread winner, so please don't give me any stuff about this post...

[Throwaway9.9.99]

But if you allow my suggestion, can you not take giving your partner some more time? In order to change her mood, how about surprising her with a date? or give her words of affirmation? I know it is hard but there's no harm in trying?

 

I want to try to give her some more time. I wanted to wait until he was over a year, but the last fight really pushed me closer to the edge

 

Spontaneous date night could work or could massively back fire, right now our next few weekends are full. I might look into it when we don't have anything planned for Saturday or Sunday.

 

You have a 6 month old preemie. Get over the guys' night stuff for awhile. As far as the spending, yes, you need a budget.

 

Could she have post partem depression? It is even more common in parents of preemies because of the initial exhaustion and stress after childbirth.

 

I'll be honest, you're coming off as pretty selfish.

 

How much of my post did you actually read? I'm not trying to go out every week. I'd be more than happy with once every two or three weeks. He's perfectly healthy now, has a full routine down, wakes up only once at night to feed. Actually we're waking him up now as he started sleeping through the night, but the lactation consultant said we should dream feed him.

 

 

It's not just a guys night, the wives and girlfriends come to trivia too. I and some of her friends have tried to get her to go. She goes to massages, that's her release, her thing to look forward to, where is mine?

 

Did you see all that I'm actually doing right now? I even make her lunch for her, I won't even be doing that for my son after he hits second or third grade, it'll be up to him.

 

I have been very supportive, but I'm exhausted and emotionally drained and she doesn't seem to care. If I got 10% of what I needed, I'd be fine

 

I'm all for criticism, but it needs to be actually be constructive. If I did nothing, if I was a lazy and unsupportive husband and expected her to cook, clean, have sex with me, make bottles, change him, etc, then I think you'd have a fair point, but that isn't the case. I bet if I changed all the gender roles around, you'd have had a different answer. (and honestly, when I google around for men seeking help in this period, I see a lot of responses like this and it pisses me off. yes there are lazy and unsupportive husbands out there, but there are husbands that give it all they got and even we need support from time to time)

[knabe]

He is off during the summer so he is a teacher probably. Cool.

 

So he is doing everything except laundry and breast feeding. And some how he is selfish?

 

They are not having sex, she is in a pissy mood, probably PPD, and he is the one that is being selfish.

 

Here is reality, if a woman has a man doing all of these things and staying home for the summer, she might want to through him a BJ every now and then or I can assure you he will not be around for long, MC or not.

 

Even the weakest man will not stand for this for ever.

 

You see knabe a lot of woman tend to forget that they have a husband once they have a baby. Some of it is understandable but most of it is not.

 

A lot of woman make the mistake or ignoring their husbands at their own risk. The relationship may change with children but it is still important. This is a mistake that so many people make. Oh, we have kids so we don't matter to each other anymore, not...

 

This, BTW, is coming from a man that has changed many, many diapers and got up to feed the kids so she could sleep and still was the sole bread winner, so please don't give me any stuff about this post...

 

Very eloquent. You have apparently n ever experienced PPD. It is crushing. In addition to the typical depression symptoms, you have horrible guilt because "You're supposed to be happy." Plus the PTSD type symptoms of not knowing if your child will live that many parents of preemies experience. And shifting hormones. And the fact that unlike regular depression, where you might be able to indulge the desire to sleep and not shower 24/7....you can't because you are a new mommy.

 

Most women are aware that they are still married after a baby. Yes, many of them make the mistake of revolving life around their children. But seriously? six months and we think she has forgotten she's married?

 

Changing diapers and helping with housework is great. Sadly, it is more than a lot of new dads do. But resenting every minute of it and keeping score against a possibly depressed wife IS selfish.

 

I think counseling is a good idea. However, it should be framed as "I'm concerned and I want us to thrive" and not in this angry "get in line or else" vibe.

 

I'm a woman who takes care of her man and has a HIGH sex drive. In my former marriage I was the one begging for sex. So being condescended to because I'm "the little woman" doesn't fly.

[BluesPower]

Very eloquent. You have apparently n ever experienced PPD. It is crushing. In addition to the typical depression symptoms, you have horrible guilt because "You're supposed to be happy." Plus the PTSD type symptoms of not knowing if your child will live that many parents of preemies experience. And shifting hormones. And the fact that unlike regular depression, where you might be able to indulge the desire to sleep and not shower 24/7....you can't because you are a new mommy.

 

Most women are aware that they are still married after a baby. Yes, many of them make the mistake of revolving life around their children. But seriously? six months and we think she has forgotten she's married?

 

Changing diapers and helping with housework is great. Sadly, it is more than a lot of new dads do. But resenting every minute of it and keeping score against a possibly depressed wife IS selfish.

 

I think counseling is a good idea. However, it should be framed as "I'm concerned and I want us to thrive" and not in this angry "get in line or else" vibe.

 

I'm a woman who takes care of her man and has a HIGH sex drive. In my former marriage I was the one begging for sex. So being condescended to because I'm "the little woman" doesn't fly.

 

 

I have from the receiving end, so you do need to go there either. I know that it is difficult.

 

 

But here is the deal, someone has to recognize it and deal with it. And you by the way just quoted all the reasons that women allow this to happen in their marriages. Men can be just as bad.

 

 

What I am saying is that, 1) He is not being selfish and 2) Women, and men as much as then can, should not let things get to this level before they realize that they have to do something about it.

[GorillaTheater]

Marriage counseling sounds like a very good idea. I hope she's on board with it, too.

[submart]

Having a baby is a big life change. And it is stressful. So for you seem to be handling it well. So kudos to you.

 

Here are some pointers I thought of:

1. Take a parenting class with your wife. One that focuses on boundaries and balance. Or buy a book on the topic and read it together. Your wife is too focused on the baby and not enough on you.

 

2. Take a money management class together. There are some aimed at couples. Or read a book together.

 

3. Buy your wife some sexy outfits that you want to see her in or visit a sex shop together.

 

4. But most of all tell her that you feed like you have been put in second place since junior was conceived. Tell her that miss her and the intimate relationship you shared as a couple. Also tell her you miss having your own identity and don't want to lose that simply because junior came along. Stress the importance of having a healthy life balance (i.e. alone time, time with friends, time as a couple, time with junior, etc.).

 

5. If she is not agreeable to the things above, ask her why not? Is she afraid of something? Is she feeling depressed? What are her thoughts of motherhood? Would she be open to marriage counseling?

 

Keep us posted!