Recent break up - Can I still get her back?

[dsprimal]

Hello LoveShack,

 

 

Last sunday I was dumped via phone by my ex of 8 months. She was 19 and I am 29. Looking past the age difference we had plenty of good times. Traveled and vacationed to a lot of places. But there was also a lot of bad times.

 

 

Summary of relationship:

A couple months into the relationship I was caught cheating by texting other girls in a way I shouldn't have. Since they she has had trust issues. Above that she has called me manipulative, controlling, and passive aggressive. All of which I will agree to....to an extent. On her end she became crazy and would flip out and scratch me, slap me, etc. I would never lay a hand on her. I would just take it. She broke up with 1 time a little over a month ago and said she regretted her decision and that she felt it was wrong and shouldn't have left.

 

 

We got back together and things were amazing again, up until one little hick up where she thought I was controlling for not letting her hangout with her friends. I live an hour away from her and defended myself saying she should have told me she was going to go to her friends instead of leaving me high and dry. I told her to go hangout its fine, but she refused to let me leave her house. she slammed the door and kept me in saying "no don't go. stay. I wont go to my friends." I kept insisting she goes but she kept denying me to leave which in turn got me wild up. we argued then I eventually left and that was it.

 

 

She ended up meeting up with her friends literally minutes after I left and hungout with them the remainder of the day/night. She calls me that night and was on a strong wave of confidence in leaving me. Telling me all the bad things ive done to her and what she has done for me and how she wants to be alone because school is around the corner and shes anxious and stressed and cant deal with me. I told her to act RATIONALLY since she was in the midst of her moods and to not break our relationship. I told her to just chill out and let her think it over for a while instead of pulling the trigger so fast on our relationship.

 

 

She told me she was going to drop my things off at my job and grab my key to my apartment and get her things. I told her no and that I will give them back when im ready because I was extremely hurt about what was going on.

 

 

So the following morning I texted her a huge paragraph telling her how I accept her decision and how I am the things she said I am and how I need to let her go and all I want for her is the best because I do love her. She replied saying how she is very happy I said that to her and that she thanks me for everything ive shown and done for her and how she knows I'm going to be amazing in the future etc etc. I asked her if it would be ok if I checked in on her in the future to see how she is and she said that's fine and that she has no hatred against me and that she wants to be civil and friendly. She just said she needs time alone right now with no worry or stress.

 

 

So we both haven't brought up what we are going to do with our stuff at each others places. I know I am still holding onto any strand left of our relationship by having her things sitting in my apartment still. But I do want her back eventually, however long the break needed.

 

 

I was planning on calling her tonight and planning a day to meet to exchange. Should I have her come grab her things? or should I take the lead and bring the things to her? I know I am still playing games as to how to get her back and think if I brought them to her it would show her that I'm over her and letting her go and respecting her and maybe she will truly think over her thoughts and miss me?

 

 

Another thing as to why we love each other but yet dealt with our issues for a while. We are both very similar.....too similar. We think alike, have moments of unspoken words where we know what the other is thinking. Finish each others thoughts etc. We are extremely comfortable around each other. I have never been so open and myself with someone before.

 

 

Sad thing is my birthday is in 5 days and she decided to leave me high and dry before it. We also had plans to go see a concert together and also visit my family in North Carolina next month, which would have been the first time she ever met them. she kept talking about it and how she cant wait for months.

 

 

Is there anyway to save this? I know I shouldn't look into signs but its hard not to. She has our pictures still up on facebook although she removed one couple pic of us from her profile pictures album. The other day she just changed her profile picture to a picture I took of her on the beach during our last vacation....She still views my snapchats also. She also posted a video of her cats late last night on snapchat and she knows I LOVE those cats. IDK. please help.

[preraph]

The easiest is to ask what day she wants you to leave her stuff out on the porch or wherever for her to pick up. Or if it will fit in a box, mail it. She can do the same for you.

[d0nnivain]

She got violent. There is nothing to save.

 

 

Ask her when, where & how she wants to exchange the stuff. Do that. If you like talk to her about reconciliation then but this doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship. Having it be over may be the best thing for both of you. Consider dating women who can at least get into a bar with you in the US.

[Redhead14]

I was dumped via phone by my ex of 8 months -- You can't fix immaturity. Upbringing followed by time and experience does that.

 

The other day she just changed her profile picture to a picture I took of her on the beach during our last vacation....She still views my snapchats also. She also posted a video of her cats late last night on snapchat and she knows I LOVE those cats. -- You are holding her things ransom more or less. She may be using the "you get more flies with honey" approach. Tell her to come get her things and bring a friend with her so that neither of you can escalate or really get into anything either way. Don't be surprised if the friend is her new boyfriend.

Edited July 21, 2017 by Redhead14

[dsprimal]

not sure on what you mean by "She may be using the "you get more flies with honey" approach?

[lolablue17]

Why should you be worried about other things than your best interest?

 

Do you need your stuff quickly? Tell her you want to take it, and set a time for it. You don't really need it? Don't do anything.

 

If the presence of her stuff bothers you, Call her and tell her to take it soon. Otherwise let her be worried about her stuff. If she needs it, she will organize the returning event. Why do you worry about her things?

[springy]

Dude come on, she is practically fresh out of high school and by your own admission you cheated on her several times. A 19-year old should not have to check in with you to hangout with her friends. You can bet your wallet she went straight to her friends (who are her world at this age) and told them all about the drama you created for the evening. She's about to start college soon, no way should she have to get her almost 30 year old boyfriend's permission to go hang out with her friends.

 

You're trying to control the situation by hanging onto her stuff until you're "ready". Just give her her stuff and let her go be 19 for goodness sake. Do the right thing.

[Finlandia]

She had attacked you and got pretty violent with you (hitting, you, locking you in) and you want her back?

 

I would drop her things off at her place without notice and be done with. Then run. Far away.

[dsprimal]

I called her on the phone last night and did exactly what I planned to do which was ask her when would be a good time to meet to exchange our things. She answered the call sounding sad and then said "this wasnt the reason why you called..." and i was like ".....but it is. I wanted to call and ask what you would like to do with your stuff" and then she said "so thats it...you have no more emotional connection you're just going to drop my stuff".

 

She said its nice hearing my voice and I said the same goes for her. Then we had a healthy convo where her voice got shakey at times I could tell she was holding back tears at moments from her voice and sniffling. She asked how I was doing and I told her how I had planned somethings that she knew I needed to do for a while and when she heard that I finally set it up she almost broke out crying. Also when I told her something else during the convo she said "that sounds like something I would have liked...".

 

Anyways I stuck to my word and kept asking about her stuff and she said her clothes and bathroom products are not of value. So I guess she doesnt care what happens to it.

 

The phone call could have gone on for a while because she didnt seem eager to get off so I did ended it by saying if she ever wants her stuff to just let me know. And we ended it with "ill talk to you later".

 

So I felt good off this convo but later that night my friend sent a screenshot of my ex on tinder and above that I did some social media stalking and noticed that she followed one new guy on both. Makes me feel like hes the new one shes interested in. But can I really be mad over this since we are technically broken up? And soon after?

 

What are your thoughts on potential rekindling? She still watches my snapchats also.

[dsprimal]

I called her on the phone last night and did exactly what I planned to do which was ask her when would be a good time to meet to exchange our things. She answered the call sounding sad and then said "this wasnt the reason why you called..." and i was like ".....but it is. I wanted to call and ask what you would like to do with your stuff" and then she said "so thats it...you have no more emotional connection you're just going to drop my stuff".

 

She said its nice hearing my voice and I said the same goes for her. Then we had a healthy convo where her voice got shakey at times I could tell she was holding back tears at moments from her voice and sniffling. She asked how I was doing and I told her how I had planned somethings that she knew I needed to do for a while and when she heard that I finally set it up she almost broke out crying. Also when I told her something else during the convo she said "that sounds like something I would have liked...".

 

Anyways I stuck to my word and kept asking about her stuff and she said her clothes and bathroom products are not of value. So I guess she doesnt care what happens to it.

 

The phone call could have gone on for a while because she didnt seem eager to get off so I did ended it by saying if she ever wants her stuff to just let me know. And we ended it with "ill talk to you later".

 

So I felt good off this convo but later that night my friend sent a screenshot of my ex on tinder and above that I did some social media stalking and noticed that she followed one new guy on both. Makes me feel like hes the new one shes interested in. But can I really be mad over this since we are technically broken up? And soon after?

 

What are your thoughts on potential rekindling? She still watches my snapchats also.

[dsprimal]

She also said "why did you have to do this and call....you know hearing your voice would get me all emotional..." when I called her.

[marky00]

Its normal,

 

 

When my ex dumped me after 9 years, I just sat there and listened as she cried a river (she was a sobbing mess).

 

 

But we still broke up.

 

 

It was unusual and not something I'd been party to before. I think it's usually due to the presence of a 3rd party (which it was in my case).

 

 

Like maybe she was on the borderline of breaking up but then was forced to suddenly when she met someone else. She didn't get to have all the little arguments and half breakups that help them get over it faster.

[elaine567]

There is a big big difference between being sad and missing someone and actually wanting them back, it doesn't always follow.

[dsprimal]

She said she couldnt delete our pictures on facebook because it didnt feel right and then She asked me if I had cleared my phone of our pictures and videos and I told her I would most likely save them onto my computer and clear my phone and when I was in a better state of mind i could go back to our pictures and just think of the good times we had.

 

She has been viewing my snapchats within the first 15 minutes of posting. Yesterday I took a gym selfie (dont judge) and shortly after viewing mine she posted a snap of her and her girlfriend driving to the beach blasting music and smiling and singing to the song they were playing looking happy. She then took a snap of her and her friend at the beach and then again on her way home. I posted one late night post and she viewed it literally within the first 5 min. She was the first to look at it.

 

I know I shouldnt play these mind games with myself but I miss her so much.....waking up alone thinking of us drifting further apart really hurts. Should I delete everything of us and remove her from all social media to truly make her feel like its over? Because she might be in the same boat but using rebounds to help her through until she can muster up courage to get over me. I'm not interested in any girl right now and just myself. But I do want her back.....does this sound possible and what would be the best course of action?

[MarvelFan1]

There is a big big difference between being sad and missing someone and actually wanting them back, it doesn't always follow.

I almost fell foul of this several times, but luckily after following advice from friends, family and the LS Forums here, I knew better. Plus my gut knows too.

 

I still have a few items of my ex's here, nothing of any value, just a board game, some playing cards, her hot water bottle and a hula hoop. The way I look at it, if she want's them back, she can ask me. I'm not going out of my way to break NC, especially when I'm in the healing stage and doing well, at the moment.

 

She has a couple of bits of mine, like a USB stick and something else, but to be honest, those items aren't worth the pain for the hassle, she is welcome to them.

[dsprimal]

I am going to say what our last conversation went like. Does it sound like she is over? and do I still have a chance? I called her asking her what she wanted to do with the stuff she left at my place. She instantly said "You didn't just call to talk about my stuff." and I was like "yeah I did." and she was like "So thats it. You're just going to drop my stuff off and you have no more emotional attachment." I was like "no, I just need to move on since you decided the break." and then she said "Why did you have to call me. you know I would get all emotional attached again." We spoke for a while after and it felt good. asking how we have been for the past week etc. She cried a bit and it felt like she had emotions built up still. So at the end I cut the convo off and she was like "Ok ttyl".

 

Does that sound like a girl that is 100% over with me? Read the background story below. What should I do to win her back? FYI she is 19 and i'm 29. Just take it at face value and judge off what I have stated please.

 

 

My gf and I have been dating for 8 months and last week she had broken up with me for the 2nd time. This is due to me talking to other girls and her lacking trust and having insecurities from it. I had insecurities of my own. Other issues that arose was that I was controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive. She said she would feel uneasy hanging out with her friends and either worrying what I was doing when she wasn't around or worried that I would be bitter that I hung out with her friends rather than me. We live about an hour apart. So the time we spend together we usually clear for just us. Usually just weekends.

 

So the first break up she left me for like 2 weeks then came back to me saying she felt wrong and it wasnt right and she tried tindering and talking to other guys but it felt off...so she came back because she loved me.

 

This time around, the break up occurred after an ugly fight we had. I was at her place for the weekend and she wanted to go hike with her friends and I was arguing how I live an hour away and how she knows I wouldnt leave her if she was at my place because it would just be awkward for me being at her place with her parents while when she stays at my place alone....I have the place to myself. I got bitter and started packing up my stuff and kept telling her it was fine and to just go. and she got sad and cried and started yelling and slapping me when I tried leaving her room. She told me she will stay and just skip the hike with her friends. If you ask why I didnt just go with them on the hike? it is because her friends hate me due to her filtering all our issues to them. So I was uneasy going with her.

[dsprimal]

Also. I was itching to reach out to her again but I stopped myself. My birthday is in 3 days. I'm hoping she reaches out to say something. If she does text or call to say Happy Birthday is that a clear sign that she still has feelings?

[dsprimal]

please does anyone have advice.

[preraph]

You're a big baby about her having friends and wanting to have time with friends. You don't give up your friends just because you have a boyfriend and she wouldn't have anything bad to say about you if there wasn't something bad going on. Plus it sounds like your fights Get Physical I don't know if it's just her hitting or you also hitting but that needs to stop or stay broken up. You should never bring children into a violent relationship where you're fighting a lot so I don't know where you think this relationship has to go. Why stay in a miserable relationship.

[springy]

please does anyone have advice.

 

Address this:

 

"I had insecurities of my own. Other issues that arose was that I was controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive."

 

Then move on to date someone else who is a better fit for you.

[Redhead14]

Does that sound like a girl that is 100% over with me? -- It sounds like a girl who isn't over who she wished you were . . .

 

In the end, the two of you are not compatible because of lack of maturity in relationship skills and conflict resolution skills -- basically, you're both 19. She just got smarter a little faster . . .

Edited July 26, 2017 by Redhead14

[Blanco]

You're a manipulator, a cheater, and basically the epitome of why some people are suspicious of men dating significantly younger women.

 

This might not be over, but it should be. Stop exploiting this girl and get your sh*t together.

[CupCakess]

She is 19 and you are 29.

 

If you want a relationship date a grown woman, not a teen.

 

Let her go enjoy her life, neither of you are right for each other.

[dsprimal]

Hi Everyone,

 

My gf and I have been dating for 8 months and she broke up with me 2 weeks ago. I got caught talking to other girls during our relationship and she lacked trust from that point. we would fight all the time and it was just toxic. We truly did love each other but my habits and our insecurities got the best of us. We broke up once before about a month ago for a week and she came right back saying she has been on tinder and it doesnt feel right and she never should have left me.

 

Then a month later we start fighting again and called me controlling, manipulative and passive aggressive. When we broke up I gave her a week of silence to cool off from the fight (Same day we broke up). Hoping she would cool off and rethink things instead of jump the gun so fast during her emotions.

 

I called her to ask her what she wants to do with her stuff. she said "you didnt just call to talk about my stuff...." then proceeded to say "so that's it...you're just done with it, you have no more emotions attached." i was so confused when she said this. She told me why I had to call her because she said she would get all emotional. She said her stuff was of no value and I know that (clothes, bathroom products). we ended the call with a ttyl.

 

Another couple days passes after and it was my birthday. She calls me the night before my birthday to say happy birthday. we spoke a bit and she was crying hysterically, she was all over the place, didnt know what to think or do, she misses me and wants me in her life, says shes been a mess the past week etc. Once she calmed down and I spoke her through it all, she went back to not knowing if she wants us to get back together. I told her this is not fair at this point because now shes playing with my emotions.

 

Another couple days pass and she calls me during work. I missed the call but I called her back and she said she "accidentally" called me. So we got into convo and it was really good, was very civil. She said I sounded like I am stable and not missing her at all. She was like "you sound good, I wish you were crying and curled up in a ball missing me like I have been missing you." "I shouldn't even be telling you that....."

 

We had plans to meet today (saturday) which we planned during the convo we had when she called for my bday a couple days before. she asked if we could plan it for the following weekend and that she needs more time and doesnt want to feel NEEDY she wants to be happy being independent. Idk what another week will really do for her.....so i brushed it off and was totally ok with it....something I normally would be bitter about. So we plan for next weekend. But here is the scoop...she has plans already to go to NC with her friends. A plan she has had for months. So she is most likely going to tell me later this week taht she forgot and if we can plan for the following weekend which she previously asked if i was ok about.

 

My problem is....I feel like i'm being strung along. One week has now turned into 2 weeks and now into 3....I don't want too much time to pass because a lot can change within that time. She has already been on tinder but admitted to recently deleting it because she feels shes better than that. she has also been adding new guys on social media. I feel like she has already hooked up or is dating (all speculation). But she is still reaching out and post poning when I can drop off her stuff. Maybe she doesnt want me to drop off her stuff and realize it is really over?

 

I hate this feeling of thinking she will come back but i'm trying to be patient. It is eating at me. She told me has been stalking me on SNAPCHAT MAPS which shows where I am at all times and questioned me where I was or what I was doing during such snap stories I posted. But why????? I am so confused and hurt I just want to be done but idk if I should wait the added week for another flop?

 

Should I call her and be serious and just set a time and tell her I am coming whether she is there or not to drop her stuff off and be done?

[d0nnivain]

Do you have any idea of how dysfunctional this is?

 

You have now broken up at least twice. You have zero ability to communicate effectively with each other. You giving her the silent treatment is manipulative. Her crying is no reason to get back together.

 

If all you were doing was talking to other women, that was no reason for her to get so upset, assuming you weren't flirting or asking for sex. Jealousy does not equal love.

 

Her calling you "controlling, manipulative & passive aggressive" makes me wonder why she would want to continue a relationship with you if you are so awful. I don't think she really wants you back. She wants to think that she "won" that you are as heartbroken as she is & that she left on her terms because she can do better, rather then because you dumped her. Hence she wants you crying, exhibiting emotions & curled up missing her. It's not about you. It's about her ego.

 

She is already on Tinder which seems to be her default when she's mad at you. Her desire to use other men to soothe her own tortured soul doesn't sound healthy. The possibility that she has been with another guy is eating you up. When you do get back together, you are going to be unable to get past this & you will break up again.

 

All in all you two need to end this train-wreck of a relationship once & for all. Alas I predict you are both going to buy at least one more ticket on this rollercoaster because you are both co-dependent on one another.