Recent break up - Can I still get her back?

[Redhead14]

But she did get her last word by breaking up with me. Maybe she genuinely feels like she regrets her decision? I honestly don't feel like that is in her nature. she loved me so much and even said shes not ill hearted to do such a thing even if she felt like she wanted to seek revenge. I know this to be true from her actions throughout the relationship. But who knows. she is young and could throw a curve ball at me.

 

She didn't love you. She loved the man she hoped she was with . . .

[dsprimal]

You took her for granted and you're just not ready for a relationship or to settle down. You have a good 10 years more experience in relationships and dating than she does... since your experience involves becoming sexually engaged with other women, I suggest you do not become a "role model" I guess people are too selfish to understand the damage you can do to others based on ones actions when it involves cheating. She is a victim because of two reasons. You've been hurt before so you are passing on the hurt.

 

 

 

and two you clearly don't understand the pain your passing on to her and how she is trying to hold on and repair that pain.

 

 

I want to fix that pain with her.

[frigginlost]

I want to fix that pain with her.

 

No you don't. You want to feed your ego.

 

You would not be questioning her as playing victim if you wanted to fix the pain you caused.

[Redhead14]

I suspect that the OP likes the conquest and the challenge. When he has what he wants, he goes on the hunt again. He's high on the chase . . . that doesn't make for a good partnership scenario.

[Blanco]

Exactly.

 

Look, I'm a guy, and even I think a guy in his thirties dating someone 20 or younger is... questionable. I totally get the visual appeal of dating someone that young, but past that, I question most of these relationships.

 

Part of that is because my personal observations have been that a lot of these relationships involve some degree of manipulation by the older person. Girls that age are simply often more submissive, forgiving, and lacking in boundaries. For some guys, that's more appealing that anything superficial.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not, I think the above was a huge part of your interest in this girl, and now that she's showing some gumption, you're feeling uneasy and panicking.

[Redhead14]

now that she's showing some gumption -- Usually, people who are high on the chase, actually choose targets who they, at least, perceive as not having gumption -- easy targets, ones that they don't really have to work hard at getting to fall for them. As much as they like the chase/challenge, if it's too hard, they won't bother. They know that a stronger woman won't give them a second look. They go for the low-hanging fruit, so to speak. The OP may have underestimated this girl. I hope so anyway.

[whatnot]

it's unclear to me what it is you are looking for here. This little girl is never going to let this go.

 

End of story.

 

If that's what you want...tough noodles. Ain't happenin'. EVER.

 

Next question?

[Sweetfish]

Exactly.

 

Look, I'm a guy, and even I think a guy in his thirties dating someone 20 or younger is... questionable. I totally get the visual appeal of dating someone that young, but past that, I question most of these relationships.

 

Part of that is because my personal observations have been that a lot of these relationships involve some degree of manipulation by the older person. Girls that age are simply often more submissive, forgiving, and lacking in boundaries. For some guys, that's more appealing that anything superficial.

 

Whether you want to admit it or not, I think the above was a huge part of your interest in this girl, and now that she's showing some gumption, you're feeling uneasy and panicking.

 

Wait what? Now dating someone younger is manipulation??

[Blanco]

Wait what? Now dating someone younger is manipulation??

 

Maybe read what I actually wrote rather than skimming it and you'll see what I said was a more nuanced statement compared to your blanket misinterpretation.

[Sweetfish]

Maybe read what I actually wrote rather than skimming it and you'll see what I said was a more nuanced statement compared to your blanket misinterpretation.

 

 

Look, I'm a guy, and even I think a guy in his thirties dating someone 20 or younger is... questionable.

 

No skimming, That is a full on sentence.

 

You conclude...

 

Part of that is because my personal observations have been that a lot of these relationships involve some degree of manipulation by the older person.

 

 

next you say

 

Girls that age are simply often more submissive, forgiving, and lacking in boundaries.

 

The reason this girl is submissive is because of her weight. She was once overweight and now is slim and seen more attractive. Since she was not seen as attractive, its more common place for her to use her to exercise her personality than exercise her sexuality or resistance of her sexuality. . You assume that because a male is dating a younger female...the conclusion is some form of exploitation. The exploitation is not aged based, its on the fact that the OP is jaded and therefore lost his ability to respect relationships.

[Blanco]

I do find it questionable because in my personal experience, a lot of these relationships have involved some dynamic of manipulation by the older party. Not all, but a lot.

 

Heck, I've had some of these guys tell me part of the reason they prefer the younger girls is because the girls put up with more. (i.e. poor behavior on their part)

 

I'm about the OP's age. I'm not relatively connected to people of the college age set, and I can promise you that aside from superficial things, a huge appeal of someone my age dating a college-aged girl is simply that the power balance is usually swayed in "our" favor.

[Sweetfish]

I do find it questionable because in my personal experience, a lot of these relationships have involved some dynamic of manipulation by the older party. Not all, but a lot.

 

Heck, I've had some of these guys tell me part of the reason they prefer the younger girls is because the girls put up with more. (i.e. poor behavior on their part)

 

I'm about the OP's age. I'm not relatively connected to people of the college age set, and I can promise you that aside from superficial things, a huge appeal of someone my age dating a college-aged girl is simply that the power balance is usually swayed in "our" favor.

 

There are three common reasons I personally see younger women with older men... Maturity, resources and/or sometimes two people just connect.. So pretty much your shaming men who date younger women... but its seems like your unable to scratch the idea that it happens in reverse...Its pretty much common for men to like younger women because men often like youthful women and women prefer a man who has an advantage, which happens to be education, money, or resources.

 

Reading the OPs other threads you can clearly see why the OP is doing what he is doing.. he is a victim of very hurtful previous relationships and he is passing on the pain.. he is sabotaging the relationship and it doesn't matter if the ex was his age, younger, or older. So age is not a factor...

[Blanco]

Just because you won't date someone your age doesn't mean you need to have the mentality of a teenager.

 

You cheated. More than once. That is a scarring thing to be on the receiving end of; something that can take years to truly bounce back from.

 

Leave her alone and work on yourself.

[dsprimal]

To all who have read my previous posts. You know what the situation is. For those reading this for the first time. Me and my gf were dating for 8 months, she is 20 and I am 30. She broke up with me due to me cheating on her by texting dirty messages to other girls, which she caught me on a couple times. The trust was lost and we are no longer the loving couple we used to be. I went on NC for a good month while she on the other hand began reaching out through ways of social media (liking pictures) and eventually came out and texted me/called me saying how she misses me, she loves me, she forgives me for everything I did. She will never get the answers she feels she deserves to get over me. I gave her short answers because I once again was being selfish and figured she was the one who left me.....why should I help her mourn her own decision by being a shoulder to cry on. I ignored a couple other attempts of communication she did days after.

 

But up until last night I myself caved in. I have left over feelings that I have for her. I love her. I tried/trying to keep these feelings suppressed because she chose to leave me and I tried respecting it. But her pouring her heart out made me swallow my pride and ego and talk to her for closure.

 

Here was the outline of what she and I said:

 

The negatives she said were:

 

-She wants the truth, everything I did behind her back.

-She believed I didn't care about her but rather the image of having a girlfriend and someone to be with who was treated poorly when in return all she did was give me everything but pure love.

-She apologized for physically hurting me - then went on and said why I got her to that level.

-I lied and lied to her, I just liked the fact that I had someone there to love me. I never appreciated her. I used her as someone to be with instead of treating her like an S/O

-How I could be so hurtful/angry/mean to her at her age.

 

The positive things she said:

 

-She believed I was the end game for her, literally.

-She misses the old us and hates how we got this way.

-She tried catching up to me in life and tried to be older than she could be for me

-she told me to take things as they come and I shouldnt have questioned her sincerity due to her age and took her as seriously as she did to me from the beginning.

-she believes our time was cut short sometimes.

-she still feels the need to question where I am or what I am doing, she doesnt care if this shows weakness but its how she feels.

-she wishes we were different.

-she wishes I would have TRIED to change my ways and saw my issues when she was around.

-she wishes I would have stepped out of my comfort zone and took her seriously and genuinely

 

 

Conclusion:

 

I told her I never physically cheated on her. But cheating is cheating. I'm owning up to my losses and told her I am sorry. No matter what I say she will never take it genuinely. I told her she never deserved to go through that. But then I told her I appreciate all the memories we shared and appreciate her thoughts about how she loves me and misses me etc. But I told her she needs to stop reaching out so often in order for us to move on.I told her she wasn't just an idea of a girlfriend and that my own insecurity was that I never believed I could be shown so much love in my whole life from a 20 year old girl. I felt like it was too good to be true. I said I was done hurting her and that she deserves better and sorry for the pain I caused. I told her I have my own issues and that I build a wall around myself and tend to play things safe and guard myself instead of being vulnerable....she was the one girl I should have let my walls down with from the beginning and I truly feel things would have been much different. I know if I changed we could be an amazing couple. She told me it could have been good if I just TRIED on my end.

 

 

I feel like me reaching out alone shows enough that I care enough about her to try getting closure with this last convo. But I still feel the need to tell her I LOVE HER, which I didn't directly say in that convo. I want her to know that I will do anything to change. I know RIGHT NOW is not a good time for us and we will not work NOW. But I want to talk to her again and let her know that I just love her. I just want to tell her that. is that selfish? Will that bring more harm than good? I cannot imagine what she is going through.

Edited September 6, 2017 by dsprimal

[Zahara]

Yes, that is selfish. You both seem to thrive on the on going drama. I feel you're finding a reason/excuse to again open communication.

 

You noted this is final closure. Let that be it. Let her go and let the grieving/healing begin.

[dumbass2]

Yes, that is selfish. You both seem to thrive on the on going drama. I feel you're finding a reason/excuse to again open communication.

 

You noted this is final closure. Let that be it. Let her go and let the grieving/healing begin.

 

Follow the advice above.

[dsprimal]

I told my ex that I loved her and wanted things to work etc. So at least I know I gave it my all and if she decides to never give us a chance again I can rest easy. She had left me 2 months ago and up until a couple days ago when she called me which was the first time we spoke on the phone in over a month and a half since the break. She was still in the midst of her emotions. First words she said to me when I answered was "you are an a**hole" because she caught wind that I was talking to her one of her friends who I have known prior to even herself. She eventually found out we were talking normally and not like a dirt bag she thinks I am now for talking dirty to other girls while we were together. She figured I was doing the same with her so it sparked her to reach out to me.

 

Anyways, I got it all out and told her I loved her still, I cared for her, I'm willing to work it out with her. But its a 2 way road and she needs to forgive and forget and put forth the effort on her end as well if we both truly want US to work again. She just continued to place blame and I told her its exhausting and useless to keep doing this. It's either we give it a strong shot together or we don't. The blaming needs to stop. She warmed up to the thought of meeting in person to talk more about it but she refused and said it is still too soon. So I agreed and said I had to go and she got mad and said "what is more important than me right now???" and I told her I had plans so she instantly thought I was going on a date or something. So I got off the phone and soon after she blows up my phone with a text saying "I'm done with you. I dont need you. We were never a good pair. our whole relationship was negative. I have someone helping me through this. Enjoy your dates and I will enjoy mine. Don't try getting me back, I'm moving on."

 

She then blocked my number so I couldn't get a reply back. sounds like she wanted the last word or just said those things out of trying to get a rise out of me. but she hasn't blocked me on social media, eventho we are not friends or following each other on fb or instagram.

 

The point of this post is, she has been so hot and cold that I can no longer see if this is THE END or just another drama filled ride I am blindly going through. Like I believe it's the end this time.....but once again idk when she will pop up randomly.

 

So I feel the need to delete all of our pictures off social media because I can't come to terms to blocking her. I know if she saw this she will feel even more hurt. I know its like as if my motives to delete our pictures is to jab back at her but it is for the sake of me moving on as well. But for some reason I just cant come to terms to doing it. the pictures make me feel happy. they were good times. but just the fact that they are publicly seen on social media as stupid as it all sounds. I just cant come to terms to delete them. I feel like this would be the last straw and show her and myself that it is officially over for real. She hasnt taken our pictures down either. she barely has any pictures on her facebook as is so its not like it would take her long to take these pictures down. its like she has albums filled or anything that would take longer than a couple minutes.

[Frostedflake]

I have a private album on my laptop buried deeeeeeep, deep into my files (vs being on my desktop in plain sight) of pictures with my ex wife, our wedding, honeymoon, vacations, etc.

 

Because those were good times. Those were some of the best days of my life.

However, they have nothing to do with my future. And looking at them still hurts but I don't want them gone forever.

So my advice is, download/save all these photos and then delete them from your social medias. Do this because it helps you heal, not because it hurts her.

You can also make the albums or photos private.