Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

Or how not to burn out in a new dating situation? WTH people do to pace themselves in the first weeks/months? It has always been a problem of mine but now is exponentially worse than before.

 

I start talking to this guy last week, we met over the weekend and we're meeting again tomorrow. Situation is getting totally out of control - I can barely eat, my pulse is high, I'm up before sunrise every morning, he's writing to me a few times a day and also shared he couldn't focus at all at work (not that I didn't know that by the message timings ). He'll be away for a week maybe that's why he's nervous that we'll lose momentum before gaining it (so am I) but I'm more nervous that I/we cannot maintain alive on this intensity.

 

How to avoid crash&burn situation? When we met it was surprisingly natural and relaxing, the anxiety surged before and after. I'm hoping for the best tomorrow...

[MonkeyLogic]

Well, realize that relationships take time to develop. Right now you're not even falling for "him" (or he for you) because you don't know him! And he doesn't know you! So it's all attraction AND projection (i.e. qualities you're projecting on each other that creates all those intense feelings).

 

Now in time it might turn out that you two really are super compatible, but only time will tell. Right now they're just hormones and chemicals that are giving you this great excited feeling. THEY MEAN NOTHING LONG TERM. The problem is in thinking those feelings are more important then they are and then ignoring flags because you want to keep feeling good. That is the downfall of many.

 

Again, it might turn out you two are really compatible long term. Cautious optimism is wise. Blind infatuation is not.

[JuneL]

To be honest, I'm not sure how to put these hormones under control in practice. The last time this happened to me, my best friend could tell I was totally "high" while we were texting, my sister said my face was glowing, and my colleagues must be wondering why I had such a sweet smile even though we were dealing with some crap at work

 

On a more positive note, this can be a natural way to lose a few lbs

[No_Go]

2 lbs down so far

 

On a more positive note, this can be a natural way to lose a few lbs

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Such a great question in today's day and age. 30 years ago, people had no choice but to take it slow because of lack of as many modes of communication! If I were so inclined, I might get a PhD and write a dissertation on a related topic!

 

No advice, just following the thread .

[Lorenza]

I'm happy to hear that you're so excited NG! But...

 

Not trying to be downer, but such high intensity in the beginning usually isn't a very good sign. You two are in a phase of idealizing each other, because all those hormones and chemical reactions don't really allow you to see who he really is and vice versa. You're having this high because he seems to fulfill your expectations but we all know it is impossible to be sure if that's true at this point. The biggest risk is that when it all dies down one of you or both, will realize that you missed out a lot of incompatibilities and red flags.

 

The same thing happened to me! My ex and I were completely blind to each other's real characters until we could see more clearly. I was surprised how I could not notice it, because he seemed so perfect during our hormone induced mating madness. Guess I was adding me dream qualities on to him while I was in that crazy state!

 

My advice would be - keep on giving yourself a reality check, keep your head level and be very aware that this intensity, while pleasant, is what might kill the potential. Most successful relationships start slow.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm happy to hear that you're so excited NG! But...

 

Not trying to be downer, but such high intensity in the beginning usually isn't a very good sign. You two are in a phase of idealizing each other, because all those hormones and chemical reactions don't really allow you to see who he really is and vice versa. You're having this high because he seems to fulfill your expectations but we all know it is impossible to be sure if that's true at this point. The biggest risk is that when it all dies down one of you or both, will realize that you missed out a lot of incompatibilities and red flags.

 

The same thing happened to me! My ex and I were completely blind to each other's real characters until we could see more clearly. I was surprised how I could not notice it, because he seemed so perfect during our hormone induced mating madness. Guess I was adding me dream qualities on to him while I was in that crazy state!

 

My advice would be - keep on giving yourself a reality check, keep your head level and be very aware that this intensity, while pleasant, is what might kill the potential. Most successful relationships start slow.

 

Falling in love is not really a rational process. I think this early excitement is a great sign - yeah things can go either way from here...but what's the alternative? Being all "meh I dunno, he is OK, let's see if he grows on me"...which is a definition of settling.

 

I wouldn't date anyone anymore without feeling this way. Been there, done that

[Shining One]

I've found that keeping myself busy with other pursuits helped quench the fire. Having a FWB helped tremendously. I was still enthusiastic for upcoming dates, but not overly enthusiastic like I was prone to be and I didn't spend all of my time dwelling on them.

[Lorenza]

Falling in love is not really a rational process. I think this early excitement is a great sign - yeah things can go either way from here...but what's the alternative? Being all "meh I dunno, he is OK, let's see if he grows on me"...which is a definition of settling.

 

I wouldn't date anyone anymore without feeling this way. Been there, done that

 

My best and most stable relationship started off as a friendship - falling in love was a process, as we were slowly getting to know each other. There were no crazy head over heels kind of feelings but it wasn't meh either. It's not just those two extremes that exist.

 

It's a wonderful experience, the thing NG describes and probably it has worked out for many people if they managed to handle the initial intensity and let it gradually become something deeper and more stable. But in many cases big flare dies down when reality kicks in. I'd be a bit careful with it and keep myself in check

[Novz]

He'll be away for a week maybe that's why he's nervous that we'll lose momentum before gaining it (so am I) but I'm more nervous that I/we cannot maintain alive on this intensity.

 

You worry too much.

 

Honestly, no relationship is perfect. While you aren't struggling with a real deal relationship problems (not that I am praying) enjoy the adrenaline of love.

 

Take advantage of feeling good.

[salparadise]

I start talking to this guy last week, we met over the weekend and we're meeting again tomorrow. Situation is getting totally out of control - I can barely eat, my pulse is high, I'm up before sunrise every morning,

I was as high as a kite from all the hormones and couldn't stop talking - i.e. behaved like an idiot That's why I cancelled the date today

 

my ex was the first guy that I met in person indeed, ex before him (the conman) was... maybe the 2nd or the 3rd

 

I just dn't know how people sustain themselves going on 10+ (or 100+) - I'm introvert and for me it would be a soul crushing experience. That's why I like to do a lot of pre-selection by targeting specific groups etc.

 

 

This puts everything, many previous posts, into context... you said, yesterday that you never meet more than 3-4 to find a new relationship. Hell, no wonder! are you sure you're INTJ, or are you the INFJ? I just find it kind of amazing that you can do that.

[No_Go]

I've found that keeping myself busy with other pursuits helped quench the fire. Having a FWB helped tremendously.

 

You're into someone but in bed with another one ? No way I'll be physically able to do it, even my coffeee no touch date with someone else was a disaster

 

Keep busy is a great advice though, works for nearly everything

[No_Go]

This one is not in the extreme passion only though - we have ton of stuff to talk about professionally and hobby related, so it has the potential for developing solid friendship as well.

 

But I still can't sleep

 

My best and most stable relationship started off as a friendship - falling in love was a process, as we were slowly getting to know each other. There were no crazy head over heels kind of feelings but it wasn't meh either. It's not just those two extremes that exist.

 

It's a wonderful experience, the thing NG describes and probably it has worked out for many people if they managed to handle the initial intensity and let it gradually become something deeper and more stable. But in many cases big flare dies down when reality kicks in. I'd be a bit careful with it and keep myself in check

[Miss Spider]

=

 

do infj fall in love quickly or something?

[No_Go]

I've taken the test many times and I have gotten 3/1 split INTJ/INFJ so I guess I have the F characteristics to some extent. Maybe I'm just suppressing the F in other situations?

 

He is INFP btw. I said before I fell for ENFP. Well, INFP turned to be even better - both being drawn to a quieter world feels good.

 

This puts everything, many previous posts, into context... you said, yesterday that you never meet more than 3-4 to find a new relationship. Hell, no wonder! are you sure you're INTJ, or are you the INFJ? I just find it kind of amazing that you can do that.

[Eternal Sunshine]

My best and most stable relationship started off as a friendship - falling in love was a process, as we were slowly getting to know each other. There were no crazy head over heels kind of feelings but it wasn't meh either. It's not just those two extremes that exist.

 

It's a wonderful experience, the thing NG describes and probably it has worked out for many people if they managed to handle the initial intensity and let it gradually become something deeper and more stable. But in many cases big flare dies down when reality kicks in. I'd be a bit careful with it and keep myself in check

 

You can get to know someone and fall for them slowly if you are exposed to them often in a non-romantic setting (ex: work, mutual friend group). In an OLD scenario, your first meet is the start of a romantic dating process. I can't see how it can be a "slow burn" since you are expected to hold hands, kiss (at the very least) pretty much from first few dates. I personally am repulsed at even the thought of doing that with someone I am lukewarm about.

 

I also don't see any red flags with No-Go, she is not saying "OMG he is so hot" with no other basis for attraction. She is also not talking about proclaiming undying love, spending 24/7 together or talking about moving in (which would be signs of things moving too fast). She is just excited and smitten and it's mutual! That's what it's all about

[Lorenza]

This one is not in the extreme passion only though - we have ton of stuff to talk about professionally and hobby related, so it has the potential for developing solid friendship as well.

 

But I still can't sleep

 

It's good though, that you're still able to feel this way and that your negative experiences haven't turned you into a cynical non-believer when it comes to feelings cause I'm slowly turning into that

 

Well, try drinking lemon balm tea before bed time and turn off your phone

[Lorenza]

You can get to know someone and fall for them slowly if you are exposed to them often in a non-romantic setting (ex: work, mutual friend group). In an OLD scenario, your first meet is the start of a romantic dating process. I can't see how it can be a "slow burn" since you are expected to hold hands, kiss (at the very least) pretty much from first few dates. I personally am repulsed at even the thought of doing that with someone I am lukewarm about.

 

I also don't see any red flags with No-Go, she is not saying "OMG he is so hot" with no other basis for attraction. She is also not talking about proclaiming undying love, spending 24/7 together or talking about moving in (which would be signs of things moving too fast). She is just excited and smitten and it's mutual! That's what it's all about

 

Well, maybe we're just different. I'd take a slow burn over a huge flare anytime! If a guy's too smitten too soon - nope

 

Besides I didn't say there are any red flags in NG's situation, only that it's easy to miss them out when you're so infatuated.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't think there is anything wrong with excitement/ infatuation in the beginning. The risk with going too fast is inevitably someone wakes up one day and realizes they have neglected other areas of their life. It can be hard to transition to a more sustainable pace, and some people have a hard time communicating their needs and start resenting their partner. The good news is, taking it slower just requires some willpower. I am sure you have other things going on in your life- work, hobbies, friends- make sure you divvy up your attention fairly. Personally, I also like to keep the texting to a minimum- I don't think it's a great medium for communication.

[No_Go]

Personally, I also like to keep the texting to a minimum- I don't think it's a great medium for communication.

 

Yeah... we discovered the power of email though. Less constrained than text and leaves the space for introspection that sometimes is hard to achieve in a phone call. And he's masterful in expressing thoughts in a written form which is a quality that I find very very attractive

 

For me a man that is in STEM but has highly developed emotive side is like winning the jackpot - usually is either the former or the latter. Not professing undying love , just hoping to make it last as long as possible... while taking it one moment at a time

[salparadise]

=

 

do infj fall in love quickly or something?

 

That has been my experience, but it's anecdotal of course. I don't attribute it completely to the MBTI type, but based on what I've read it's consistent with type.

 

My previous relationship was with an INFJ and she seemed to be all in from the first date. She texted after the first date to say she wanted a second. We had sex on the third date. She said ILU first, pretty quick. We went from first date attraction to relationship almost instantly. We did a beach trip at three weeks after and consolidated it all. Then, after a year and a half she switched off in an instant and repeated the pattern with new guy within a few weeks. They do seem to be binary like that.

[No_Go]

Interesting experience.

 

For me the curve is different than your ex's because I fall out VERY slowly. The RL with my ex wasn't a happy one and still I took 9 full months to recover emotionally ... I wasn't even able to think of going on date with anyone else at that time.

 

Intensity like now actually happened to me just 2x before - 1 time with somebody 'forbidden' (it was a work situation, he was divorcing I was virgin.. nothing happened ...I just licked wounds for few years), and later with a musician who was most likely skilled pua and ghosted when sex didn't happen on 2nd date. With my ex-bfs it happened fast (dating to RL) because they were very pushy... Now is the first time the guy has more of a softer energy, I'm super much into him, and actually circumstances are fine for giving it a try... That's why it is so weird, scary, exciting

 

That has been my experience, but it's anecdotal of course. I don't attribute it completely to the MBTI type, but based on what I've read it's consistent with type.

 

My previous relationship was with an INFJ and she seemed to be all in from the first date. She texted after the first date to say she wanted a second. We had sex on the third date. She said ILU first, pretty quick. We went from first date attraction to relationship almost instantly. We did a beach trip at three weeks after and consolidated it all. Then, after a year and a half she switched off in an instant and repeated the pattern with new guy within a few weeks. They do seem to be binary like that.

[Redhead14]

Try to balance your hormones/emotions with logic, objectivity and being focused on your overall dating goals/life goals.

 

Remember that very early on, it is mostly all about hormones/endorphins, the vision for what could be and at this time you are in love with being in love, not that person -- yet.

 

When we met it was surprisingly natural and relaxing, -- That is a good start for sure. I've said before on these boards that there are couples who say that the honeymoon never ended and that's because they were both being themselves, relaxed and open from the very start. Don't let these feelings "blind" you though. Keep your objectivity and common sense.

 

How to avoid crash and burn -- Don't let insecurity or being anxious about the possibility that this might not work out get hold of you. Anxiety is a relationship killer. You don't drive your car worrying that you might get into an accident everyday, do you? Enjoy the ride and cross the bridges that need to be crossed when/if you get to them.

 

Observe whether he maintains contact during the week he's gone. And, don't have sex with him before he leaves. Sometimes guys will schedule a date when they know they are leaving so that they get what they want and there's space to fade out or ghost . . . I can't say that this guy is or would do that, but why set yourself up for that possibility. If it would be good now, it will be good when he gets back.

[No_Go]

Thanks Redhead, we haven't even kissed yet so I don't think sex is in the cards before he leaves at all... I'm curious how it will go tonight...

[Redhead14]

Thanks Redhead, we haven't even kissed yet so I don't think sex is in the cards before he leaves at all... I'm curious how it will go tonight...

 

Just enjoy the time!