Quenching the fire?

[anna121]

No he just apologized for not being present because of tiredness, the rest was separate sequence of messages.

 

I don't know what to think. He's getting colder and standoffish - maybe he's not attracted and that's why the awkwardness I'm giving it another 24h before giving up. He's so remote now that I feel weirded out to ask him out

 

 

EDIT: he responded while I was writing it. It is me, not him... I'm too p*ssy to ask him out or at least tell him that I'm interested in him not just his stories that's what it is....

 

If you think there is still a chance here then - given everything else you've said about him - it would be beyond foolish to let your fears drive your decision.

[Versacehottie]

No he just apologized for not being present because of tiredness, the rest was separate sequence of messages.

 

I don't know what to think. He's getting colder and standoffish - maybe he's not attracted and that's why the awkwardness I'm giving it another 24h before giving up. He's so remote now that I feel weirded out to ask him out

 

 

EDIT: he responded while I was writing it. It is me, not him... I'm too p*ssy to ask him out or at least tell him that I'm interested in him not just his stories that's what it is....

 

But he IS his stories...

[No_Go]

If you think there is still a chance here then - given everything else you've said about him - it would be beyond foolish to let your fears drive your decision.

 

It is. I'm just frustrated... I'll wait it out and see

[No_Go]

But he IS his stories...

 

He is. I gave my story and left it at that. Today's response to it will guide me.

[Lorenza]

I'm also shy and a bit nerdy, but even I can't fully understand why it's such a huge problem just dropping him a "hey, would you like to do x on x-day?". Without waiting until he sounds warm and present while chatting? Not everyone is aware of how they sound online. And it's impossible to keep the same level of communication all the time.

 

Don't give up just yet, or you'll really regret it. Technically you two just met and I don't think 4 dates are that much. Think about it, you saw this person 4 times in your life. It's so little in the big picture! You don't have to initiate the kiss if that's not how you'd like to start being physical with him, but at least initiate the next date and see how he acts.

 

A genuine connection is so rare in this material and sexually driven world. I really wish I met someone I'd find this special and similar to me. Don't waste it until you're fully certain it's not going forward...

[No_Go]

I won't drop it (unless he wants that), just venting and trying to tell myself I still have some control .....

 

I'm going to ask, maybe just intuitively I feel like giving him some space is not bad for it... by Wednesday we should have something planned.... I'm functioning but it's on my mind so frequent it's disturbing...

 

I'm also shy and a bit nerdy, but even I can't fully understand why it's such a huge problem just dropping him a "hey, would you like to do x on x-day?". Without waiting until he sounds warm and present while chatting? Not everyone is aware of how they sound online. And it's impossible to keep the same level of communication all the time.

 

Don't give up just yet, or you'll really regret it. Technically you two just met and I don't think 4 dates are that much. Think about it, you saw this person 4 times in your life. It's so little in the big picture! You don't have to initiate the kiss if that's not how you'd like to start being physical with him, but at least initiate the next date and see how he acts.

 

A genuine connection is so rare in this material and sexually driven world. I really wish I met someone I'd find this special and similar to me. Don't waste it until you're fully certain it's not going forward...

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'm also shy and a bit nerdy, but even I can't fully understand why it's such a huge problem just dropping him a "hey, would you like to do x on x-day?". Without waiting until he sounds warm and present while chatting? Not everyone is aware of how they sound online. And it's impossible to keep the same level of communication all the time.

 

Don't give up just yet, or you'll really regret it. Technically you two just met and I don't think 4 dates are that much. Think about it, you saw this person 4 times in your life. It's so little in the big picture! You don't have to initiate the kiss if that's not how you'd like to start being physical with him, but at least initiate the next date and see how he acts.

 

A genuine connection is so rare in this material and sexually driven world. I really wish I met someone I'd find this special and similar to me. Don't waste it until you're fully certain it's not going forward...

 

Totally agree with this. I don't really find it strange that two complete strangers that met 4 times haven't kissed. I have always been disturbed with OLD and sexual forwardness of guys when I still didn't even know if I wanted to hold their hand.

 

I understand that NG is shy to make a first physical move. It's hard. I don't think that I ever made one. I mostly ended up with pushy extroverts that made all the moves. Shy guys would often lose interest in me (typically even before 4 dates) so I never had a chance with one...otherwise I would wait 40 dates if necessary. I always felt like most shy guys lost interest because I wasn't taking a social lead..like decisively doing stuff for them to follow. Or chatting endlessly and animating them. Some of them even said that they prefer bubbly and extroverted girls and just don't like personalities similar to their own. It sucks because I want someone as similar to myself as possible.

 

I don't think any of this is the issue with this guy though. He still seems interested. I would just text him directly suggesting a day for the next date. He is probably used to his extroverted exes doing that all the time.

[No_Go]

The bolded freaks me out. I think that's possibly big time holding him back. Although he stated in his profile he prefers shy and weird personalities...

 

Yesterday I texted last. If/when he responds I'll suggest date/time. I'm freaking out I'm losing him...

 

 

Totally agree with this. I don't really find it strange that two complete strangers that met 4 times haven't kissed. I have always been disturbed with OLD and sexual forwardness of guys when I still didn't even know if I wanted to hold their hand.

 

I understand that NG is shy to make a first physical move. It's hard. I don't think that I ever made one. I mostly ended up with pushy extroverts that made all the moves. Shy guys would often lose interest in me (typically even before 4 dates) so I never had a chance with one...otherwise I would wait 40 dates if necessary. I always felt like most shy guys lost interest because I wasn't taking a social lead..like decisively doing stuff for them to follow. Or chatting endlessly and animating them. Some of them even said that they prefer bubbly and extroverted girls and just don't like personalities similar to their own. It sucks because I want someone as similar to myself as possible.

 

I don't think any of this is the issue with this guy though. He still seems interested. I would just text him directly suggesting a day for the next date. He is probably used to his extroverted exes doing that all the time.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think there is a middle ground in academia, if I'm correct. The best scenario is of course to have a tenure-track faculty position in a research-oriented department. But I know of people working as researchers in some research institutions (middle ground). There seem to be some who get stuck at the postdoc position forever...

 

I took up a "middle ground", position in a research institute. It was originally about 20% research and 80% "in house" consulting but it allowed me to make 6 figures. My 4th year now and I have slowly pushed my boss into 20/80 going in the opposite direction.

 

I have been trying to build up a research track record and I am still undecided if I will attempt to get a faculty position one day or stay here. I like to keep all options open.

[thefooloftheyear]

Bottom line....

 

It shouldn't require this much analysis and shouldn't be this hard or involve this much stomach churning...

 

.02

 

 

TFY

[No_Go]

TFY I'm a little bit of a drama-addict so I admit I like it that way (and hate it in the same time)...

Otherwise I don't bond...

 

Bottom line....

 

It shouldn't require this much analysis and shouldn't be this hard or involve this much stomach churning...

 

.02

 

 

TFY

[No_Go]

Your story is encouraging.

 

In my case I took 90% consulting/10% research but publishing my own stuff from the past on the side. I'm thinking this will give me leverage to jump back in research in year or two.

 

In his case he actually prefers teaching over research. He's doing the research to leverage track record that will jump him into small college faculty position.

 

I took up a "middle ground", position in a research institute. It was originally about 20% research and 80% "in house" consulting but it allowed me to make 6 figures. My 4th year now and I have slowly pushed my boss into 20/80 going in the opposite direction.

 

I have been trying to build up a research track record and I am still undecided if I will attempt to get a faculty position one day or stay here. I like to keep all options open.

[thefooloftheyear]

TFY I'm a little bit of a drama-addict so I admit I like it that way (and hate it in the same time)...

Otherwise I don't bond...

 

 

Well....If nothing else, I hope all the socially awkward, low achieving types of guys can get a shot at reading your story here....It will restore hope in their quest of a relationship...

 

 

:laugh:

 

Good luck to you....You have a great outlook and I hope it all works for you...

 

TFY

[No_Go]

:lmao:

 

I think there is someone for everyone. High achievers (overly ambitious dudes I mean) are actually are not a great match for me because I prefer to lead (or be equal) on that front.

 

And socially awkwards are my favorites - friends and lovers alike... Let see where this goes......

 

Well....If nothing else, I hope all the socially awkward, low achieving types of guys can get a shot at reading your story here....It will restore hope in their quest of a relationship...

 

 

:laugh:

 

Good luck to you....You have a great outlook and I hope it all works for you...

 

TFY

[JuneL]

Well....If nothing else, I hope all the socially awkward, low achieving types of guys can get a shot at reading your story here....It will restore hope in their quest of a relationship...

 

 

:laugh:

 

Good luck to you....You have a great outlook and I hope it all works for you...

 

TFY

 

My friends are all over the spectrum in terms of their personality, but romantically, I'm naturally attracted to guys who are very manly and who are not shy (but not loud and talking non-stop). My personal "theory" is that it's extremely important for a couple to have similar values on life, but in terms of personality, it might work better to be complementary. I actually never understand how a couple with a similar personality work: two extroverts would overshadow each other, whereas two introverts would probably be too quite

[No_Go]

It is a misunderstanding the introverts are quiet: my guy literally couldn't stop talking ;last time, I am often the same way. I just hate talking in a large group - that is misleading to people.

 

But back on topic - I'm freaking out again. I *know* he's on the edge or if not checked off completely and that kills me

 

My friends are all over the spectrum in terms of their personality, but romantically, I'm naturally attracted to guys who are very manly and who are not shy (but not loud and talking non-stop). My personal "theory" is that it's extremely important for a couple to have similar values on life, but in terms of personality, it might work better to be complementary. I actually never understand how a couple with a similar personality work: two extroverts would overshadow each other, whereas two introverts would probably be too quite

[JuneL]

It is a misunderstanding the introverts are quiet: my guy literally couldn't stop talking ;last time, I am often the same way. I just hate talking in a large group - that is misleading to people.

 

But back on topic - I'm freaking out again. I *know* he's on the edge or if not checked off completely and that kills me

 

Sure, introverts are very good on one-on-one basis, especially after you broke into their shells (well I'm one myself ).

[Cookiesandough]

Just pick a day and ask him out

[No_Go]

Just pick a day and ask him out

 

Waiting him to respond my last message and I will.

 

I feel like an idiot though - he seems to be giving me the 'not interested' signals and I seem to be not getting it... I'm just a little bit upset, I'll get over it, but I though we were a rare fit...

[BluEyeL]

Waiting him to respond my last message and I will.

 

I feel like an idiot though - he seems to be giving me the 'not interested' signals and I seem to be not getting it... I'm just a little bit upset, I'll get over it, but I though we were a rare fit...

If it works out, great! You were a fit indeed.

 

If it doesn't work out, you'll see later, when you do find your partner, that you and this guy weren't such a great fit after-all!

[JuneL]

:lmao:

 

I think there is someone for everyone. High achievers (overly ambitious dudes I mean) are actually are not a great match for me because I prefer to lead (or be equal) on that front.

 

 

On what front? But it took us much convincing for you to contemplate on asking him out on the next date

 

You mentioned that his two ex-gf's are both in the performing arts. So I gather it's a couple of a struggling artist and a struggling scientist. My guy feeling is that he might not know how to handle woman who is quite a bit better off financially. You really need to take more initiative. Even if you don't feel comfortable initiating a kiss, perhaps you can do some flirting like teasing him and touching his hand/arm. Actually I can't imagine you guys didn't at least touch each other's hand/arm when he was showing you how to cook his dish at your place...

[No_Go]

My weakest front in the romantic one....I'm just not cut to flirt....

 

Yep, they were grad student+aspiring dancer.... obviously not high income , but I'm not a millionaire either, just comfortable because I save a lot & invest cautiously.

 

We (full-body) hugged a few times, it's not like I have never touched him

 

But now he's freaking silent and I'm sweating bullets ...... I lost my chance to ask him out seems like ;(

 

On what front? But it took us much convincing for you to contemplate on asking him out on the next date

 

You mentioned that his two ex-gf's are both in the performing arts. So I gather it's a couple of a struggling artist and a struggling scientist. My guy feeling is that he might not know how to handle woman who is quite a bit better off financially. You really need to take more initiative. Even if you don't feel comfortable initiating a kiss, perhaps you can do some flirting like teasing him and touching his hand/arm. Actually I can't imagine you guys didn't at least touch each other's hand/arm when he was showing you how to cook his dish at your place...

Edited August 15, 2017 by No_Go

[Lorenza]

NG, people aren't always available to chat, you know that... Actually, at the initial phase of getting to knowing someone, chatting takes much more concentration and mental effort, since you can't just drop a short answer like when you're already bf-gf

[NuevoYorko]

I don't mean to throw a very wet blanket on everything - but is there any possibility that he could be gay?

[No_Go]

NG, people aren't always available to chat, you know that... Actually, at the initial phase of getting to knowing someone, chatting takes much more concentration and mental effort, since you can't just drop a short answer like when you're already bf-gf

 

Yeah I don't like 'flirty' texts so our exchanges are pretty substantial / heavy / information-bearing, not 'thinking of u' type.... Maybe he's busy but it has been well 15 hours You're right I'm dramatizing too much...