Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

No_go dear, you are speaking like someone infatuated. Heavily infatuated. You have seen him a total of 5 times, he's still a stranger, and here you are talking about 'losing it' and in a previous couple of posts you were talking about accepting him as he is with his passiveness and sexual hang ups and all. It's heading toward an unhealthy infatuation.

 

When it hits it hits... Next time will be in 3-9 years if I follow the pattern ? I think I'd get it under control

[Gaeta]

When it hits it hits... Next time will be in 3-9 years if I follow the pattern ? I think I'd get it under control

 

Remember: We are the stories we tell ourselves.

 

If you beleive loves shows up only each 9 years and that's what you'll get.

[SunnyWeather]

6 dates and not one (even attempted) kiss? bleh,talk about intimacy issues; that would be such a turn off. You're doing all the heavy lifting and what exactly are you getting out of all this 'drama'? There's taking it slow, and there's leading someone on whenever it's convenient.

 

This whole situation feels gamey to me; whatever his issue is I don't think he's that into you--or incapable of being in an adult relationship.

 

Sorry for being so blunt. You deserve better.

 

((hugs))

[Usename12]

OP, you asked how to quench the fire yet you say you get some sort of thrill from it. People point out that this guy seems passive, that you are wearing the pants so to speak, and you are okay with it. I actually don't have much advise since you're coming from a place I don't understand, assuming everything you say is honest. But I'm fascinated that a guy can have a seemingly intelligent woman so wrapped around his fingers. Not saying he is being nefarious because he probably doesn't even know how much power he is holding. I'm seeing someone new also and it's going well but I'd honestly be a bit unsettled if she was that obsessed with me. Just a thought.

[No_Go]

Possibly, but where is the convenience for him here? We're working mainly on my schedule, he's not pushing for anything physical, I'm not buying him things. I think we just enjoy each others company and hey, not following the OLD 'market' rules, which is weird to me I think because I' so used to the 'model' of OLD.

 

If it doesn't work I'll be fine. He'll be fine. I realize I started on an anxious note but in the end of the day - it has been very positive experience, I opened up to new friends because of it (just my mood shifted), generally feel different now. No need to be negative about it

 

6 dates and not one (even attempted) kiss? bleh,talk about intimacy issues; that would be such a turn off. You're doing all the heavy lifting and what exactly are you getting out of all this 'drama'? There's taking it slow, and there's leading someone on whenever it's convenient.

 

This whole situation feels gamey to me; whatever his issue is I don't think he's that into you--or incapable of being in an adult relationship.

 

Sorry for being so blunt. You deserve better.

 

((hugs))

[No_Go]

Hey that's interesting opinion but I don't see it as a power game. I've been anxious because I seek clarity not because my world will end if he rejects me. I don't suffer from a princess complex that I need to be swiped off my feet, I don't need validation because I believe in my worth, I'm very independent, I have settled and established my life in a way I like it. Now, do I want him? Very much so. Do I need him? No. I had life before him, just the excitement was not that much there. I started the thread because I thought it is not normal to be so excited, now I'm thinking it was not normal to stay in LTRs with people I wasn't all that excited about ...

 

 

OP, you asked how to quench the fire yet you say you get some sort of thrill from it. People point out that this guy seems passive, that you are wearing the pants so to speak, and you are okay with it. I actually don't have much advise since you're coming from a place I don't understand, assuming everything you say is honest. But I'm fascinated that a guy can have a seemingly intelligent woman so wrapped around his fingers. Not saying he is being nefarious because he probably doesn't even know how much power he is holding. I'm seeing someone new also and it's going well but I'd honestly be a bit unsettled if she was that obsessed with me. Just a thought.

[JuneL]

 

If it doesn't work I'll be fine. He'll be fine. I realize I started on an anxious note but in the end of the day - it has been very positive experience, I opened up to new friends because of it (just my mood shifted), generally feel different now. No need to be negative about it

 

I hear you. When you are on a high dose of dopamine, you suddenly become very open and receptive to people

[lana-banana]

You started this thread because you wanted advice on how to dial back your overwhelming emotions. You told us you couldn't sleep, you couldn't think straight, you crashed down into deep spirals of despair whenever he went a few hours without texting. As per your request, people offered advice and pointed out your emotions were disproportionate and potentially unhealthy and rather than take that to heart you've just been handwaving it; oh, it's not that bad, I don't care that much, etc.

 

You overthink like crazy---I say this with confidence as an extreme overthinker---and the longer you ruminate, the farther you get from an honest, healthy place. You can see this in practice in the thread about your most recent ex, where you churned and churned and churned. You began with "this guy is lying to me and almost certainly cheating, how do I kick him the hell out" and ended at "he has complicated reasons, he's not a bad person, I can't move, maybe it could work". You have already gone from desiring an assertive, confident man to telling us you'd be totally happy with someone who is so passive and half-interested, and that you would be fine with the way things are now if you knew you were a couple. Didn't you initially say you didn't want to be leading the way with some half-interested dope ever again? Part of dating is being honest with yourself. It means knowing what you really care about and not accepting things that don't meet your needs.

 

Unlike others, I understand why this situation is intoxicating to you. You don't have answers, so you have almost infinite space to churn and think and overanalyze and run scenarios through your head, all day long. Your imagination and rational mind can cycle forever on this problem that you'll never be able to solve. It's like giving a sack full of quarters to a gambling addict. I get it, because I do it too. But it's not healthy, especially in the context of a romantic relationship.

 

At the end of the day it doesn't matter why he's doing this or what he's getting out of it. You will probably never get answers to your satisfaction. What matters is that it doesn't meet YOUR needs and it's not good for you.

 

I hope none of this came off as harsh. Everyone here is pulling for you and wants you to find happiness, and part of that means telling you to stop sticking your hand on a hot stove. Best of luck and lots of hugs.

[Versacehottie]

Hey that's interesting opinion but I don't see it as a power game. I've been anxious because I seek clarity not because my world will end if he rejects me. I don't suffer from a princess complex that I need to be swiped off my feet, I don't need validation because I believe in my worth, I'm very independent, I have settled and established my life in a way I like it. Now, do I want him? Very much so. Do I need him? No. I had life before him, just the excitement was not that much there. I started the thread because I thought it is not normal to be so excited, now I'm thinking it was not normal to stay in LTRs with people I wasn't all that excited about ...

 

Honestly it feels like you wanted the excitement and spark that you initially felt with him to continue during the moments he could not sustain the level of excitement you wanted to keep feeling and created and spiraled into a ton of anxiety in its place--generating negative thoughts and worries about him because he couldn't keep up with your racing mind. I think the anxiety itself could be a big part of the reason the thing with this guy are not going where you had hoped as fast as you had hoped.

 

There are two people in every relationship. I think if he doesn't do everything on your schedule it doesn't mean he isn't interested or all sorts of bad things. It can devolve where your need to speed up conflicts with who he is as a person and he realizes the incompatibility or is put off by the anxiety--we can't discount those in wondering why this isn't working out, as much as we love the OP or are swept up in the self-created drama. I don't know that it ISN'T working out. I just think this is two people who are both determined to play by their own rules, timeframes which may be in conflict. Shame because I think the spark is very real as described and it's been really cute. He seems to really like the OP in his way. Idk, I think he may be worth a compromise (not the ones done already which really furthered her agenda but gave little consideration to his).

 

It's good that OP has discovered excitement being an important element of a good relationship. It would be a bummer to sabotage something potentially good and that gives her that feeling just because she isn't getting what she thinks she wants immediately. Unless he is off-putting altogether, you could put him on back burner yourself because you are nervous about his slow pace would make him a risky investment for you, start dating others but no need to cut him out entirely. Dating the others will take the edge off OP's anxiety so that things with any of them can progress naturally.

[No_Go]

Lana: Thanks for the thoughtful response. Yep, i overanalyze big time. First, it is professional deformation - having a problem difficult to solve puts me immediately in research mode. Second, I'm trying intentionally to be empathetic and put myself in the shoes of the other person (as in my ex's case... There, I went overboard and put up with terrible behavior out of guilt that I hurt him/messed him up before). Third - I have not too much experience with dating, so I still figure things out (my total relationship/dating experience is 5 years of my life, and I've been 100% with dominant men in that time so I defaulted that's what I like. Now I'm questioning was it by choice or situational.

 

Versace: Thank you for the advice, I'm measuring opinions and merging them into my own whenever applicable. It is a learning experience to understand how other people function and appreciate or at least acknowledge it. I know this is life-long learning but situations like the current one launch the process.

 

I'll update by the end of the week. There is some progress but I prefer to keep it to myself right now to not over-spin additionally.

[limichelle]

Hi NoGo!!

 

I've been following this thread and I hope it works out for you with the latest developments that's happening. Could be he likes to take things at a slower pace.

As an over thinker I know it's easy to read into signs of discouragement when things aren't picking up like how we imagine. Like him not kissing you yet.

 

So you over analyze every situation magnifying it!

 

If there are some positive developments happening that's good! Just now relax and let everything take its course. I know, easier said then done. If things are meant to progress with this guy they will.

 

Lisa

[No_Go]

Thanks! So without going into detail I set the stage for answer tonight (tomorrow the latest but 90% certainty tonight). Then I'll know exactly where it stands (I hope)!

 

It is interesting because for the first time I'm the chaser, usually I sit down and let guys do the work. I discovered I get a lot of thrill from the chase! Maybe the masculine part of me has been suppressed in the past by social norms and expectations I'm learning something about myself whatever happens...

 

Hi NoGo!!

 

I've been following this thread and I hope it works out for you with the latest developments that's happening. Could be he likes to take things at a slower pace.

As an over thinker I know it's easy to read into signs of discouragement when things aren't picking up like how we imagine. Like him not kissing you yet.

 

So you over analyze every situation magnifying it!

 

If there are some positive developments happening that's good! Just now relax and let everything take its course. I know, easier said then done. If things are meant to progress with this guy they will.

 

Lisa

[Lorenza]

Thanks! So without going into detail I set the stage for answer tonight (tomorrow the latest but 90% certainty tonight). Then I'll know exactly where it stands (I hope)!

 

It is interesting because for the first time I'm the chaser, usually I sit down and let guys do the work. I discovered I get a lot of thrill from the chase! Maybe the masculine part of me has been suppressed in the past by social norms and expectations I'm learning something about myself whatever happens...

 

I wonder how much of "enjoying the chase" is you settling for it because you like the guy and how much is actual enjoyment... Usually not much good comes out women being the chaser, but whatever floats your boat.

 

P.s. There's also the thrill of getting recognition from someone who isn't giving it to us that easily. Are you sure it's not that?

[No_Go]

I enjoy most that I'm now unafraid to ask about what I want.

 

In the end of the day - I move my life at my will (bought my home with no parents/friends/partners involved, switched fields drastically, have worked in men dominated jobs, moved to countries where I knew nobody and in one case - didn't know a word of the language, survived all sorts of abuse without getting scarred etc)... So - why in dating I should play it weak and depend on the volition of the guy?

 

I woke up to the idea that I'm not a Sleeping Beauty waiting to be kissed by the prince but a human that can lead her own destiny. With or without this man.

 

I wonder how much of "enjoying the chase" is you settling for it because you like the guy and how much is actual enjoyment... Usually not much good comes out women being the chaser, but whatever floats your boat.

 

P.s. There's also the thrill of getting recognition from someone who isn't giving it to us that easily. Are you sure it's not that?

[Lorenza]

I enjoy most that I'm now unafraid to ask about what I want.

 

In the end of the day - I move my life at my will (bought my home with no parents/friends/partners involved, switched fields drastically, have worked in men dominated jobs, moved to countries where I knew nobody and in one case - didn't know a word of the language, survived all sorts of abuse without getting scarred etc)... So - why in dating I should play it weak and depend on the volition of the guy?

 

I woke up to the idea that I'm not a Sleeping Beauty waiting to be kissed by the prince but a human that can lead her own destiny. With or without this man.

 

Because you don't have to do it all on your own, you know.

[No_Go]

Because you don't have to do it all on your own, you know.

 

But for every other aspect in life that's exactly what I do Why dating should be magically different?

[Lorenza]

But for every other aspect in life that's exactly what I do Why dating should be magically different?

 

Do you want a partner or do you want another challenge in life? Are you ready for it to continue to be challenging, in case this man is as passive in relationships as he is in courting you?

You're so used to fight and push through but that should not apply to romantic relationships. What is the point if can't allow yourself being weak sometimes, knowing that your partner can take over some of your load? What's the point of carrying it all by yourself? Then you end up with guys like your ex, who use your strength and become liabilities.

[No_Go]

What is the point if can't allow yourself being weak sometimes, knowing that your partner can take over some of your load? What's the point of carrying it all by yourself?

 

Good point, I guess I don't know any different... I like to be challenged because it brings new strengths but who knows - relaxing relationships may be nicer. I never had one of these so I don't really know the answer...

[lana-banana]

If you're unafraid to ask what you want, did you actually ask him out on a date? Because anything less has the potential to be misinterpreted, confused, or otherwise misconstrued in a way that just ensures this self-perpetuating drama keeps on going. Unless you literally sent him a text that said "Do you like me Y/N answer in 24 hours or your phone will explode" there will be ample room for ambiguity. You are very likely to get a vague response from someone who already has an established track record for being indirect.

 

You say your exes were dominant types, and maybe they were the aggressors in terms of sexual interest, but you also repeatedly described them as passive, weak-willed, lazy, unambitious and moochers. You said you were tired of doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship. But now you're here, doing all the heavy lifting and you aren't even dating yet. If you guys were a couple, what makes you think that dynamic would change?

[JuneL]

Yeah, I think your exes were dominant in a very passive aggressive way. They didn't even have their $hit together at the age of about 40 years old. Didn't you recount in one of your threads how your recent ex had raised his credit score by ~100 points with your help? You also repeatedly described your recent ex as extremely socially awkward. I could totally see why he had to push very hard at the beginning: together with his other qualities (or lack thereof), he couldn't dream of getting the attention of any woman nearly as high quality as you. You know, it broke my heart when I read your threads about your recent ex. I was hoping secretly you won't sell yourself short again, though I had to remind myself that she probably just had different tastes. But the more you wrote about this new guy, the more I I thought my worry was not without basis.

 

Of course, you have to work hard to get everything in life, including finding a quality and compatible partner. In this case, this means ditching a low quality guy who is incompatible with you so that you can find the one.

 

 

If you're unafraid to ask what you want, did you actually ask him out on a date? Because anything less has the potential to be misinterpreted, confused, or otherwise misconstrued in a way that just ensures this self-perpetuating drama keeps on going. Unless you literally sent him a text that said "Do you like me Y/N answer in 24 hours or your phone will explode" there will be ample room for ambiguity. You are very likely to get a vague response from someone who already has an established track record for being indirect.

 

You say your exes were dominant types, and maybe they were the aggressors in terms of sexual interest, but you also repeatedly described them as passive, weak-willed, lazy, unambitious and moochers. You said you were tired of doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship. But now you're here, doing all the heavy lifting and you aren't even dating yet. If you guys were a couple, what makes you think that dynamic would change?

[No_Go]

Yes - he has 24 h for Y/N or I'm out. I eventualy got direct, just don't want to get beaten up by LS if I give details . I will but after the fact.

 

My exes were all sexually aggressive, driving the relationship (I was floating on their pace), and I guess kind of disrespectful to me. The rest are their personal qualities or my interpretation there off. My main concern with my last ex is he wanted to lead, but on my expense.

 

With this guy - I have no idea how it will be - but he's at least not setting double standards like my ex.

 

If you're unafraid to ask what you want, did you actually ask him out on a date? Because anything less has the potential to be misinterpreted, confused, or otherwise misconstrued in a way that just ensures this self-perpetuating drama keeps on going. Unless you literally sent him a text that said "Do you like me Y/N answer in 24 hours or your phone will explode" there will be ample room for ambiguity. You are very likely to get a vague response from someone who already has an established track record for being indirect.

 

You say your exes were dominant types, and maybe they were the aggressors in terms of sexual interest, but you also repeatedly described them as passive, weak-willed, lazy, unambitious and moochers. You said you were tired of doing all the heavy lifting in a relationship. But now you're here, doing all the heavy lifting and you aren't even dating yet. If you guys were a couple, what makes you think that dynamic would change?

[JuneL]

"Do you like me Y/N answer in 24 hours or your phone will explode"

 

"Yes I guess I do like you. I'm sort of busy working on a project. Things should settle a bit in a week."

[Gaeta]

Thanks! So without going into detail I set the stage for answer tonight (tomorrow the latest but 90% certainty tonight). Then I'll know exactly where it stands (I hope)!

 

You initiated another date didn't you?

 

I think we will have to let you learn this lesson the hard way.

 

Life and love is simple. There is no such a thing as 'too shy, too introverted, too slow, too occupied, too hurt, too clueless'

 

There is 'Interested' and 'not interested'. It's that simple.

[No_Go]

My ex initially was straight on the point for anything and everything: I never left a date with him without him setting a next one. He was apparently leading using a protocol of his long-term therapist (who accompanied him on his first dating endeavors blah). I got him with 6 figures salary and credit in low 600s because he thought it is below him to keep track of timings for paying bills. It was lovely time He also will quit every job if anybody says a wrong word to him. I was leading an uphill battle keeping him sane. But anyway, I guess this is now past.

 

This guy is NOT using me. He's insecure. Sure it will be hard. IF he's interested at all. I feel like we're all jumping way ahead - maaybe this will end up being just friendship or nothing.

 

Yeah, I think your exes were dominant in a very passive aggressive way. They didn't even have their $hit together at the age of about 40 years old. Didn't you recount in one of your threads how your recent ex had raised his credit score by ~100 points with your help? You also repeatedly described your recent ex as extremely socially awkward. I could totally see why he had to push very hard at the beginning: together with his other qualities (or lack thereof), he couldn't dream of getting the attention of any woman nearly as high quality as you. You know, it broke my heart when I read your threads about your recent ex. I was hoping secretly you won't sell yourself short again, though I had to remind myself that she probably just had different tastes. But the more you wrote about this new guy, the more I I thought my worry was not without basis.

 

Of course, you have to work hard to get everything in life, including finding a quality and compatible partner. In this case, this means ditching a low quality guy who is incompatible with you so that you can find the one.

[No_Go]

"Yes I guess I do like you. I'm sort of busy working on a project. Things should settle a bit in a week."

 

:lmao: Or shall I cry?