JuneL Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 I imagine some naive, well-intentioned but inexperienced young guy watching a grown woman embarrass herself this way and thinking "what in the actual $&@#?!" First, this guy is a few years older than the OP. Second, I really fail to see how the OP has embarrassed herself in front of the guy. True, she is unusually patient with the guy and unnecessarily nervous about the whole situation. But, from what I undestand, the OP has never initiated two messages in a row. She would have gauged the guy's interest better by letting him initiate the date this time, but asking him out twice in a row (after the guy has initiated 4 dates) is nothing to be embarrassed about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 26, 2017 Author Share Posted August 26, 2017 Yeah I don't think it was embarrassing per se. Maybe looked that way here because I used it as an outlet to vent. But except asking him out and chatting about stuff (non-dating related, just stuff that interests me and he's passionate about as well) over text - I've done nothing to show overbearing interest. He dropped me after asking to confirm details, which was message that he initiated. I just asked how about this or that time and he disappeared. I kind of feel bad for him - he wanted to back off gently and I came forward direct. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted August 26, 2017 Share Posted August 26, 2017 It appears moderator ~T did a substantial cleanup earlier today but without posting a statement or directive and, considering a valued member just sent in a 'thread turn for the worse' report, I'll leave this very long thread open for now and direct members to take a breath and consider past disputes resolved and move forward to address the topic in a civil manner. Thanks so much for your cooperation! Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 For those curious how this story developed (I was reluctant to post because I know I'd get criticism but hey I can survive it ): - He returned next day to reschedule - He went quiet over the weekend but reconfirmed this week - So we're supposed to meet but I feel his reluctance I don't want to torture him and I know he's confrontation-avoidant so he'd not tell me the truth if he is not feeling it. My decision therefore was to give him soft exit Basically I gave him an excuse that he can use to bail I hope that's not treating him like a child or something, I just wanted to reassure him it is fine to exit, no one will harbor mean feelings, and we can both move forward. I hope he doesn't misinterpret me... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 For those curious how this story developed (I was reluctant to post because I know I'd get criticism but hey I can survive it ): - He returned next day to reschedule - He went quiet over the weekend but reconfirmed this week - So we're supposed to meet but I feel his reluctance I don't want to torture him and I know he's confrontation-avoidant so he'd not tell me the truth if he is not feeling it. My decision therefore was to give him soft exit Basically I gave him an excuse that he can use to bail I hope that's not treating him like a child or something, I just wanted to reassure him it is fine to exit, no one will harbor mean feelings, and we can both move forward. I hope he doesn't misinterpret me... You are not even worthy of a weekend date. Why don't you do something assertive and break it yourself? No need for being rude or unpleasant just tell him it's been fun but you're looking for a little more action so you wish him the best and hope he finds what he's looking for. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 You are not even worthy of a weekend date. Why don't you do something assertive and break it yourself? No need for being rude or unpleasant just tell him it's been fun but you're looking for a little more action so you wish him the best and hope he finds what he's looking for. Weekend date wasn't possible logistically for me. Nothing to break because it is not a relationship. I don't want to make him feel bad - he sounds so tormented, and he hasn't done anything wrong besides being insecure. I just reassured him it is ok to go:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Nothing to break because it is not a relationship. I don't want to make him feel bad - he sounds so tormented, and he hasn't done anything wrong besides being insecure. I just reassured him it is ok to go:) No_go, No_go, No_go, No_go,*shacking head*. I am old and I have seen it all. :-) When we reassure someone it's ok to go it's usually a way to gauge their interest and we're hoping to hear 'but I don't want to go'. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 It's extremely hard for some of us to meet men we actually *like*. I don't blame NG one bit for given this guy too many chances. I would probably do it too. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 No_go, No_go, No_go, No_go,*shacking head*. I am old and I have seen it all. :-) When we reassure someone it's ok to go it's usually a way to gauge their interest and we're hoping to hear 'but I don't want to go'. Sure but at least they *can* exit gracefully if they want to. What would be the alternative? Same as Dis' date - him coming with bs excuse out of pure torture that he can't tell me the truth without being the 'bad guy'. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Sure but at least they *can* exit gracefully if they want to. What would be the alternative? Same as Dis' date - him coming with bs excuse out of pure torture that he can't tell me the truth without being the 'bad guy'. Sounds like this guy has a lot of growing up to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Sure but at least they *can* exit gracefully if they want to. What would be the alternative? Same as Dis' date - him coming with bs excuse out of pure torture that he can't tell me the truth without being the 'bad guy'. I am trying to have you decide of your life and what you want in it or not and not let some stranger decide for you. Right now you are letting him decide if he wishes to continue wasting your time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 Sounds like this guy has a lot of growing up to do. Eh true. And same for me - I make naive mistakes because I'm still learning to navigate in the dating space ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 I am trying to have you decide of your life and what you want in it or not and not let some stranger decide for you. Right now you are letting him decide if he wishes to continue wasting your time. Ah that I've decided: back on board mid September after I return from vacation;) Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Hey No_Go I agree with Gaeta. If you really feel he is so unexcited to see you that you need to give him an out, you should pull the plug yourself. You will feel better and honestly come out looking better (if that is of any concern to you). It's a pretty terrible feeling to go into a date with someone you feel doesn't even want to be there. How can you be yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 I was wrong, he refused to cancel... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I was wrong, he refused to cancel... hahaha, what did I tell you. He's ok with torturing you a little longer, of course! He is not making any kind of efforts or going out of his way so why not eh! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I was wrong, he refused to cancel... How did you put it to him (your out) and what did he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 hahaha, what did I tell you. He's ok with torturing you a little longer, of course! He is not making any kind of efforts or going out of his way so why not eh! Is he a masochist? I don't see why do that after I said it is ok to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 How did you put it to him (your out) and what did he say? Pmed you ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Is he a masochist? I don't see why do that after I said it is ok to let go. Because he enjoys your company BUT only little drops at a time. He's does not like you enough to move his time around to fit you in or to see you on regular basis. Actually he treats you like a 'friend'. We can see our friends 2-3 times in a row then we don't see them for 1 month or more and it's ok. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Pmed you ..... We went to know too how you offered him an out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kellens Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Hi No Go, I've been reading this thread from the beginning and rooting for you the whole time. I'm glad that he is refusing to cancel so you can speak to him face to face to see where you stand with him. His actions seem to be of someone who isn't interested or scared for some reason. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, so I hope this works out in a way that you want it to. I know hearing people criticize your decisions can be overwhelming, but I think you deal with it all really well. Please keep us updated! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Ugh, I know you really like this guy but I don't know why you are putting yourself through this. Why waste your time with a guy who expressed reluctance to see you? You are only dragging this out when you could be moving on and finding a guy who is excited and thrilled to see you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 Let say it is what it is, I can't back off at that stage, it will be rude plus leaves 'what ifs'. But: 1) I'm extremely nervous - it is like taming a wild horse that is ready to run away... I need to conceal my anxiety - any tips how to do it?? 2) He's like a scared deer - any tips how to make it less painful for him?? I'm deep in the mud right now, but I guess with some good strategy I won't lose face haha. No expectations besides to survive the night for those who wonder:) Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Let say it is what it is, I can't back off at that stage, it will be rude plus leaves 'what ifs'. But: 1) I'm extremely nervous - it is like taming a wild horse that is ready to run away... I need to conceal my anxiety - any tips how to do it?? 2) He's like a scared deer - any tips how to make it less painful for him?? I'm deep in the mud right now, but I guess with some good strategy I won't lose face haha. No expectations besides to survive the night for those who wonder:) I think both of you think the other is an unpredictable wild horse, whereas in reality, both of you are scared and nervous deers You guys should take this meeting as an exit interview and give each other constructive feedback. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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