Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 June deep inside I think he's not a peter pan, he has an actual issue and I'm mildly curious and seriously terrified to find out what it is. Or, he just didn't have the guts to put a clean ending - maybe he'll do it tonight... But if that's the case - ughhh I'd rather him doing it over email instead of living through an awkward night. But well, i asked for it, I need to live with it. I think you have totally misunderstood me. I also admire a struggling painter, struggling actor, struggling scientist, or struggling whatever making the minimum wage in order to chase his dream. But this guy is acting like a peter pan, no offense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Of course you don't engage in risky behavior, you'd have to actually spend time together for that Right man or real relationship means a mutually fulfilling relationship. Right now he's fulfilled and you're in constant craving mode. Eh you know, risky behavior would be to ask him to move in or something like this. Not that I haven't done it with exes... Gosh, this is just kids game compared to my terrible exes. Maybe that's why I'm missing the flags. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I am sorry I might be biased, because I know someone exactly like him. That guy I know got a million of degrees and went on to become a perpetual postdoc, not because he's particularly bright or because he's chasing his dream, but because he has/had no other options. Oh, I should add that I know plenty of folks in academia who are not like that, at all. In fact, the vast majority are not like that, and that's why I can't stand someone like him (the guy I know I mean). Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Oh, I should add that I know plenty of folks in academia who are not like that, at all. In fact, the vast majority are not like that, and that's why I can't stand someone like him (the guy I know I mean). I am still not sure what exactly you mean: your acquaintance was a perpetual postdoc, but what else was wrong with him? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I tried Gaeta. I dated my ex for near 2 years with the mission to settle down, marry and start a family. He was serious about it. 8 weeks in and I met his extended family. 8 months in and we were living together. 18 months in and he was putting it 'engagement now or never'. He was on agenda and it was awful. Oh - he was also browsing dating sites - if the agenda with me fails. Btw all bad aside - he was high earner, educated, smart, professional, easy to live with, taking care of our home, committal. And I was still miserable. Oh please, look at your most prominent thread: "Dating a Man-Boy"! Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I am still not sure what exactly you mean: your acquaintance was a perpetual postdoc, but what else was wrong with him? acting like a peter pan Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Oh please, look at your most prominent thread: "Dating a Man-Boy"! :lmao: I was so p*ssed at him at that time. He would just act entitled. Seriously this was getting on my nerves. If you read the thread you'd see exactly what I mean. Even there I said he was responsible & accomplished etc - but acting f***ing entitled (like not paying his bills because why not - he can pass without doing that. Or taking me to super expensive restaurant of his choice and letting me pick the bill for us both ugh)... IMO thinking back he was somewhere in the autistic/Asperger/ spectrum, but his disposition was... I don't know, just not compatible with mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 acting like a peter pan That's a broad term - is he doing anything irresponsible? Not taking care of his basic needs? Or he just have alternative/atypical lifestyle? Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Oh, I should add that I know plenty of folks in academia who are not like that, at all. In fact, the vast majority are not like that, and that's why I can't stand someone like him (the guy I know I mean). OT I'm in Academia, full professor, and I say with a doctorate in STEM from a fancy university there are always options . But it is stressful to go after them for some folks. Perpetual post docs have either visa issues or psychological issues. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 No_Go you need to find someone between your exes and this guy. Don't let the pendulum swing fro too fast to too slow. The common thread that jumps at me is that in all relationships you allowed the guy to guide what's happening , on his terms. They wanted to move in too quick , fine , you let them. They wanted you to support them financially, fine. They wanted you to go to church and become a religious nut, although that's not you, fine I'll try that. Now this guy is wishy washy and you wonder how to make it more comfortable for HIM on the date. You say he has an issue and you'd like to find out. And hope that once that whatever issue is solved , with your caring help, he'll be great and happy. But people who have issues will always have issues. They'll just switch their unhappiness from one reason to another because it's their disposition not the circumstances. Good luck today and think about exploring how to have better boundaries and real standards., on how a man treats you etc., not just the superficial ones. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 OT I'm in Academia, full professor, and I say with a doctorate in STEM from a fancy university there are always options . But it is stressful to go after them for some folks. Perpetual post docs have either visa issues or psychological issues. That's precisely the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 (edited) This is a very insightful post. However, I wanted to add that the OP seems to be drawn to guys with some man-boy quality unconsciously maybe this is emotionally safe for her: all the her exes and the current guy have this common denominator in the sense that the OP has/had to act like the guy's "doting mother" in some vital aspect of life (borrowing this term from TFY). No_Go you need to find someone between your exes and this guy. Don't let the pendulum swing fro too fast to too slow. The common thread that jumps at me is that in all relationships you allowed the guy to guide what's happening , on his terms. They wanted to move in too quick , fine , you let them. They wanted you to support them financially, fine. They wanted you to go to church and become a religious nut, although that's not you, fine I'll try that. Now this guy is wishy washy and you wonder how to make it more comfortable for HIM on the date. You say he has an issue and you'd like to find out. And hope that once that whatever issue is solved , with your caring help, he'll be great and happy. But people who have issues will always have issues. They'll just switch their unhappiness from one reason to another because it's their disposition not the circumstances. Good luck today and think about exploring how to have better boundaries and real standards., on how a man treats you etc., not just the superficial ones. Edited August 31, 2017 by JuneL 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 BlueyeL, June - I have to think about it. I think it could be an ego issue: I always though whatever life throws at me, I'll cope just fine, whereas never had the same level of trust in the guys I dated Besides that: just had a random though. Say I was the man in my relationships. Would I have received the same criticism for trying to be gentle with the girl I'm dating who is a bit scared and undecisive to move forward physically, or for supporting financially a struggling gf, or for trying to get into the cultural/religious interests of my gf to understand her better? It is just a though, but I feel like here the assigned gender roles play up on subconscious level. And I just can't play up a weak picky girl because I've been past this stage for a long time. Not saying what was said is wrong (I do know I have bad boundaries and suffered from it) but I just don't think is one-dimensional. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Yes absolutely ! If my son dates a girl that acts like this guy I'll give him the same advice. Not criticism. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Sorry I said criticism - it was directed to other posts, much earlier. Your advice is very constructive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I am sorry if my posts today came across as very blunt. Previously, I was more careful not to let my personal tastes get in the way. Anyway, I'll keep my mouth shut until your updates on this evening's meeting. Best wishes Sorry I said criticism - it was directed to other posts, much earlier. Your advice is very constructive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 I am sorry if my posts today came across as very blunt. Previously, I was more careful not to let my personal tastes get in the way. Anyway, I'll keep my mouth shut until your updates on this evening's meeting. Best wishes Oh no worries at all - I was integrating over all opinions, didn't mean any particular one. I'm dead scared for tonight but I guess I'll survive whatever is coming ... Dump, revelation or whatever is going to happen. It is not going to be smooth, I sense it... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I'm dead scared for tonight but I guess I'll survive whatever is coming ... Dump, revelation or whatever is going to happen. It is not going to be smooth, I sense it... Not going to be smooth on his part or your part? What do you hope out of tonight? What if after tonight it's still the status Quo? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Not going to be smooth on his part or your part? What do you hope out of tonight? What if after tonight it's still the status Quo? I think he's coming to tell me something- hopefully just to dump me, although over text would have been painless. Or alternatively, to reveal what's torturing him. Something is there unrelated to me, that's for sure, question is will he share it. On my end: my fear is how to stay calm, receptive, drama-free to whatever is coming. Hopes: NOT to be awkward. Even if it's last meet, just to be painless. If we keep the status quo I'd just stop initiating and enjoy my vacation. Any thoughts / advice? I'm mortified because I'm facing potentially awkward conversation and lots of inknowns. Entering a mine field with eyes shut. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Any thoughts / advice? I'm mortified because I'm facing potentially awkward conversation and lots of inknowns. Entering a mine field with eyes shut. In stressful moment I usually repeat to myself I did my best, it's now out of my hands and I need to let life take care of things. What ever happens you will be alright, believe firmly in it. If it's not meant to be it's because something and someone better is waiting for you 4 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 BlueyeL, June - I have to think about it. I think it could be an ego issue: I always though whatever life throws at me, I'll cope just fine, whereas never had the same level of trust in the guys I dated Besides that: just had a random though. Say I was the man in my relationships. Would I have received the same criticism for trying to be gentle with the girl I'm dating who is a bit scared and undecisive to move forward physically, or for supporting financially a struggling gf, or for trying to get into the cultural/religious interests of my gf to understand her better? It is just a though, but I feel like here the assigned gender roles play up on subconscious level. And I just can't play up a weak picky girl because I've been past this stage for a long time. Not saying what was said is wrong (I do know I have bad boundaries and suffered from it) but I just don't think is one-dimensional. I think I, eons ago, (and some others) have pointed out that this seems like a "role reversal" situation... I guess I can't fault it, if both parties are in agreement, it just doesn't seem like desirable male behavior for any woman I know... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 I think I, eons ago, (and some others) have pointed out that this seems like a "role reversal" situation... I guess I can't fault it, if both parties are in agreement, it just doesn't seem like desirable male behavior for any woman I know... TFY Thing is if I was a young virgin girl just starting life roles could have made sense. But I'm an oldish woman with established (sort of) life and career... So to me sounds hypocritical to go for the traditional heroic male. .. Having said that - in some aspects like the man to be the man, but here I haven't reached feasible point to test that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 In stressful moment I usually repeat to myself I did my best, it's now out of my hands and I need to let life take care of things. What ever happens you will be alright, believe firmly in it. If it's not meant to be it's because something and someone better is waiting for you Thanks, funnily I'm not sure I want it to be, I'm now just focused on saving myself from embarrassement, don't even think of relational outcome.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Thanks, funnily I'm not sure I want it to be, I'm now just focused on saving myself from embarrassement, don't even think of relational outcome.. What exactly would be embarrassing? You entered this with a genuine interest. He's the one who should be embarrassed for his weak character. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 What exactly would be embarrassing? You entered this with a genuine interest. He's the one who should be embarrassed for his weak character. That I didn't get the hint he wanted out... Imagine him telling me, 'Well, I tried to tell you indirectly but you could not get it, so now tonight we're meeting so I can spell it out: I don't like you! ' Or something similar That's why I tried to give him an exit - to save myself from the embaradsement of the above situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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