Quenching the fire?

[BluEyeL]

Platonic friend my fanny! Kick him to the curb full time girl! You know what they say: busy is another word for a**hole, a***ole is another word for this guy. Ugh ugh ugh!! He just likes some attention that's all!

 

What a forking j*rk!!!

[Gaeta]

I still will - as a platonic friend.

 

* My jaw just hit my keyboard *

[No_Go]

Well attention stream closed from my end;)

 

No one is hurt, let's just let him live

[No_Go]

Just be yourself and stop contorting and twisting yourself to try and be what you think someone else wants. You don't need advice on how to dress, how to behave, how to not scare him, etc. When you reach a place of emotional maturity, you won't be asking for that type of advice and you won't want to settle for less than a mutual relationship. You won't want to take on someone's issues unless you are in a reciprocal partnership that has developed over time with clear communication and shared goals and respectful, grown up interactions.

 

Grey, emotional maturity doesn't need to equate to being evil. I refuse to take the concept I should treat others as they treat me. I'd treat my worst enemy and my best friend in time of need. That's what I was referring to that o wanted to make him less scared.

 

I am not upset didn't work out. I was upset with the insecurity. That's why all the spinning.

 

I guess this thread served its purpose, mods can close it. Tomorrow is 1st -good day to move on!

[No_Go]

Hey guys,

First - please be understanding Just looking for advice what's appropriate.

 

Few (10sh) days after closing this thread the guy in question sent me a very lengthy message describing his trip abroad, apologizing for cancelling, and telling me he wants to stay friends. Now, many will probably say he's not friends material but I really enjoy his company so I want to give this a try. I have residual attraction for him so there is a slim chance s**t to hit the fan if we meet.

 

He'll be back in town very soon so I want to get prepared. In your opinion, is it ok to meet (as friends) so soon? Is it ok to ask him what made him drop me as a relationship prospect (i have pretty thick skin so if he says - you're old, ugly and stink I'll take it just fine )? Is it better to bring other friends with us on this first meet to consolidate the friendzoning or is this going to be weird?

 

I have few days left to think this through, any opinion is appreciated (I asked few people here on PM, but I wanted to get more... I'm hesitant).

[Miss Spider]

no_go, I don't understand what happened here. How'd you guys go from dating... albeit with no romance/sexy times and at a snails pace to LJBF?

I understand if you're disinclined to say here but can I pm you.

 

 

I think it's a very bad idea to be friends with someone you have residual romantic feelings for. I assume it can be pretty hurtful. Maybe with time and distance you can revisit and be friends but it is too soon imo

 

 

Are you going to start talking to new guys?

[Miss Spider]

Is it ok to ask him what made him drop me as a relationship prospect (i have pretty thick skin so if he says - you're old, ugly and stink I'll take it just fine )?).

 

Oh, and others may disagree with me here but I think that's perfectly fine to ask if you really believe you can handle it. I think any information you can get helps you process it faster and find closure sooner even it stings

[clia]

I do not understand for the life of me why you want to remain "friends" with this guy, other than some wishful thinking on your part that it might turn into a relationship.

 

He's not a "friend." You met him two months ago!

 

You can do better than this, No Go!!!

[No_Go]

Cookies, he asked for that I agreed.

 

I want to PM you but I can't - can you try PMing me? I'll show you what he said.

 

I think I can handle friendship because we have never been physical so it won't be that different and I genuinely enjoy his company and learning from him about stuff (common hobbies).

 

I'm not seeing new people in the moment but yes, I plan to - relatively soon. It is probably a matter of days to hop back online.

 

 

no_go, I don't understand what happened here. How'd you guys go from dating... albeit with no romance/sexy times and at a snails pace to LJBF?

I understand if you're disinclined to say here but can I pm you.

 

 

I think it's a very bad idea to be friends with someone you have residual romantic feelings for. I assume it can be pretty hurtful. Maybe with time and distance you can revisit and be friends but it is too soon imo

 

 

Are you going to start talking to new guys?

[No_Go]

Clia, I was once on the reverse side (I friendzoned a guy from OLD), and made a good friend that way. Good friend probably is overstatement, but we hang out every couple of months - it has been 3 years, no problems.

 

So since this guy and I also have a lot of common interests, I though it may work? I'm afraid he'll see it as residual wishful thinking, and this will ruin it. IDK.

 

Maybe I should postpone it for after staring dating someone else...

 

I do not understand for the life of me why you want to remain "friends" with this guy, other than some wishful thinking on your part that it might turn into a relationship.

 

He's not a "friend." You met him two months ago!

 

You can do better than this, No Go!!!

[Miss Spider]

Oops. Sorry about that. His behavior is very curious. I'd want to know too. It's certainly not any of the things that you mentioned, but hopefully he can be honest about what is going on in his head so you can understand. Maybe that will make it easier to be friends. Not have been physical does help, it's really not the only way people catch feelings. I know you felt a real mental/emotional connection with him. I'm sorry, no_go.

[Kellens]

I probably would meet with him out of curiosity, but I don't know if that's the best advice. Does he deserve your friendship after messing with your emotions?

 

I think if you meet with him, the feelings that you had will probably resurface since you felt such chemistry with him before. I think it's up to you, do you think you can handle it? I also would want to know what changed, why the guy was no longer interested in a romantic relationship. I don't know if you'll get what you're looking for though. You know yourself better than we do. Do you think you could really handle just being his friend?

[No_Go]

Oops. Sorry about that. His behavior is very curious. I'd want to know too. It's certainly not any of the things that you mentioned, but hopefully he can be honest about what is going on in his head so you can understand. Maybe that will make it easier to be friends. Not have been physical does help, it's really not the only way people catch feelings. I know you felt a real mental/emotional connection with him. I'm sorry, no_go.

 

Cookies see your PM. He is, I feel like, one of these avoidant types with super high anxiety, so I don't know is there any way to get the truth from him... He's very very avoidant in person. Not that the information will change anything besides feeling my curiosity.

[No_Go]

I probably would meet with him out of curiosity, but I don't know if that's the best advice. Does he deserve your friendship after messing with your emotions?

 

I think if you meet with him, the feelings that you had will probably resurface since you felt such chemistry with him before. I think it's up to you, do you think you can handle it? I also would want to know what changed, why the guy was no longer interested in a romantic relationship. I don't know if you'll get what you're looking for though. You know yourself better than we do. Do you think you could really handle just being his friend?

 

I think I can handle it fine. I'm generally used to work with men (some of them I have liked) and because we work in the same field (sort of) for me is not that difficult to flip him into exciting work buddy in my head

 

Curiosity will kill me though

[Gaeta]

Hey guys,

but I really enjoy his company so I want to give this a try. I have residual attraction for him so there is a slim chance s**t to hit the fan if we meet.

 

Of course you enjoy his company you are attracted big time toward him!! So now that he just wants to be friends you will agree to put yourself through spending time with him with all this unwanted attraction, why? You like torturing yourself? Do you think that by spending time with him as friends your attraction will disappear?

 

Then life will go on and he'll meet other women and you'll have to stand by and listen to it and watch it like a *friend*. Do you like suffering that much?

 

He'll be back in town very soon so I want to get prepared. In your opinion, is it ok to meet (as friends) so soon?

 

Friends don't work on the same agenda as romantic couples. There is no *too soon or too late* with friends you act spontaneous when time allows. The fact you are worried it might be too soon, and worried you should prepare, indicates you are still viewing this as a romantic prospect you're afraid of scaring away.

 

Is it ok to ask him what made him drop me as a relationship prospect

Yes ask him. I think you need a reality check.

 

I

I have few days left to think this through, any opinion is appreciated

 

Again, acting like a woman afraid to scare away a romantic prospect.

[No_Go]

Gaeta - I referred to 'too soon' for me, in terms of I haven't been yet on other dates. So it could be too soon for me because it can reignite the residual attraction, possibly. Otherwise - since we're now friends - indeed there is no agenda - whenever time permits its fine with me.

 

My intuition is he'll reach out for a meet up once he's back in town, that's why I said I have few days to reconsider if it's a good idea by then.

 

 

Of course you enjoy his company you are attracted big time toward him!! So now that he just wants to be friends you will agree to put yourself through spending time with him with all this unwanted attraction, why? You like torturing yourself? Do you think that by spending time with him as friends your attraction will disappear?

 

Then life will go on and he'll meet other women and you'll have to stand by and listen to it and watch it like a *friend*. Do you like suffering that much?

 

 

 

Friends don't work on the same agenda as romantic couples. There is no *too soon or too late* with friends you act spontaneous when time allows. The fact you are worried it might be too soon, and worried you should prepare, indicates you are still viewing this as a romantic prospect you're afraid of scaring away.

 

Yes ask him. I think you need a reality check.

 

 

 

Again, acting like a woman afraid to scare away a romantic prospect.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta - I referred to 'too soon' for me, in terms of I haven't been yet on other dates. So it could be too soon for me because it can reignite the residual attraction, possibly. Otherwise - since we're now friends - indeed there is no agenda - whenever time permits its fine with me.

 

My intuition is he'll reach out for a meet up once he's back in town, that's why I said I have few days to reconsider if it's a good idea by then.

 

No it's not a good idea for the reasons I listed. It will just ignite your attraction and feelings and you'll be stuck watching him move on to other relationships.

[No_Go]

No it's not a good idea for the reasons I listed. It will just ignite your attraction and feelings and you'll be stuck watching him move on to other relationships.

 

I think I'll be faster He hasn't been in one from many years (by choice he says)

[Gaeta]

I think I'll be faster He hasn't been in one from many years (by choice he says)

 

But now he is on dating sites seeking women. Sure it was his choice to remain single, that has changed.

[No_Go]

But now he is on dating sites seeking women. Sure it was his choice to remain single, that has changed.

 

He has been on these sites for 2 full years now with no RL coming out if it... he probably enjoy the company and/or ego boost but he's unable to have a RL for whatever reason. Doesn't matter for me anymore.

[Miss Spider]

He may be looking for an ideal. someone that doesn't exist. And he doesn't want to get physical unless he knows that he's found it. But come on dude get real

[Miss Spider]

No_go, the longer they're on the sites, . I'm telling you, the harder it is to pull them off of it. The harder it is to keep their attention. They say watch out for the new ones, but it goes the other way too. There are those who do have realistic expectations and just want to settle down and haven't found that person, but those are the exception. Most are frozen victims of paradox of choice after a yr or so. They can't get off the carousel!!!

[Gaeta]

No_go, the longer they're on the sites, . I'm telling you, the harder it is to pull them off of it. The harder it is to keep their attention. They say watch out for the new ones, but it goes the other way too. There are those who do have realistic expectations and just want to settle down and haven't found that person, but those are the exception. Most are frozen victims of paradox of choice after a yr or so. They can't get off the carousel!!!

 

 

Well......

 

I was 3,5 years online before finally end up in a long term relationship. I don't think I was a frozen victim of paradox of choice lol

 

Some people meet right away and others take months.

[Miss Spider]

That's true. there are certainly cases like you.Your boyfriend was new though right? I actually think the newer ones are more practical. Id gamble with the kid who just got to the candy store before I gamble with the kid who's been in the candy store two years sampling all the new candy comes in. It gets to be almost an addiction. And I think men are more susceptible to it than women. Women tend search what they find to be a "good" man and invest in him(chalk it up to the value of eggs vs sperm or socialization or whatever)Maybe he makes a certain amount of money or look certain way or has a certain personality . But men in general can find 10,000 women on the site "good". ( It's just a matter of getting them. Like pulling down the handle of the slot machine. That reinforcement loopwhen they get lucky and catch lol )

 

 

I'm kind of joking. But I'm extremely wary

of guys who have been on the site a very very long time without having been pulled off of it for a little while. Like, what are you looking for? I know I can't meet their expectations

Edited September 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Lorenza]

NG, you don't have to answer this to me, but ask yourself very very honestly and look for an answer within - are you 100% sure you don't want to meet him hoping that he'll change his mind?

 

In other cases I'd say go for it, if there never was anything physical between two people, they still have a possibility to build a solid friendship, but in your case... You were massively infatuated with this guy and I think you're lying to yourself. You might be in for a wild ride or this "friendship" will prevent you from truly moving on with your dating life.