Quenching the fire?

[anna121]

You're obviously going to do meet up...unless he flakes again.

 

I think you'd be happier if you didn't, but achieving that realization would take a while and you wouldn't satisfy your curiosity.

[No_Go]

You're obviously going to do meet up...unless he flakes again.

 

I think you'd be happier if you didn't, but achieving that realization would take a while and you wouldn't satisfy your curiosity.

 

Yeah the curiosity kills. TBH more than any other force.

[No_Go]

 

Both big dreamers, low in action.

[\QUOTE]

 

I'm all for dreaming big, as long as it's backed up by action. I still can't comprehend how you can stand someone like him.

 

Maybe because I lost so many dreams as I got older and start building my life? I see in them my younger self basically... (hah the guy in the thread is 4 years older than me and the old crush - 11 years older so it is paradoxical I see my younger image in them )

[No_Go]

I see the above as one of the core issues for your dating life. If you recall, I stated a few pages back that you seem to gravitate toward those guys who need you to act like a doting mother in some vital aspect of life.

 

I remember clearly you saying that. Maybe it's time for me to get a real child and avoid the men-children ? I'm toying with the idea of fostering / adopting but I'm not sure it will solve the dating paradox.

 

Joke aside I feel that's just part of my love language. Or what else can it be?

[Dis]

I think No_Go needs to get him out of her system

 

She, like many of us, has to learn the hard way

 

If she doesnt meet up with him, this romanticized fanatsy will continue and she will never have the closure she needs

 

If she does meet up, that fantasy will be crushed before her eyes as they are now 'friends' and she will be hurt

 

Either way, its a lose lose. But at least with the second option, she'll know its over

 

Sometimes, in life, there is no right path to take

[No_Go]

Yeah, basically very on point.

 

I'm personally very resilient to being hurt (oh I'm a winner here - survived all kinds of dramas, abuse etc), but can't stand lack of information. Lack of information makes my brain fire like crazy, even the worst news is better than no news.

 

I can safely say if i *prove* to myself it's a no-go, romantically and platonically, I'd snap back into shape pretty quick. And I think if I get prove that platonic is the way to go - so be it. I'd be happy with that as well and I mean it.

 

I think No_Go needs to get him out of her system

 

She, like many of us, has to learn the hard way

 

If she doesnt meet up with him, this romanticized fanatsy will continue and she will never have the closure she needs

 

If she does meet up, that fantasy will be crushed before her eyes as they are now 'friends' and she will be hurt

 

Either way, its a lose lose. But at least with the second option, she'll know its over

 

Sometimes, in life, there is no right path to take

[Cookiesandough]

Don't get the negative feedback here personal C, take it just as people presenting viewpoints based on their own experience and understanding.

 

Your ex's reaction is terrible - stonewalling makes me personally only more motivated to continue. I see why you're so attached - this is a nasty passive aggressive trigger.

 

 

Do you see any common denominator's with these guys? Are they both really established and passionate in the careers? Also, how long did you stay friends with last guy(are you still)?

Yeah! They're the same guy reborn Same eyes. Met them is same age (~35 at the time of meet for each of them). Both physicists. both scattered-brained, melancholic, very passionate about their jobs but unable to move forward in their careers. Both basically broke by choice (I'm not attracted to this - just come both times in the picture). Both big dreamers, low in action. I can go on and on.

 

The other guy: we remotely work together so we talk 2-3 times per year. Chemistry never died out completely. But in the meanwhile, he divorced, remarried, had 2 kids, now divorcing again... He's not waiting in suspense :lmao:

Thank you:) Damn. Down to their looks. It's really tough when you have such a particular type. Your type sounds a bit neurotic xD I mean not in a bad way, just sort of aloof and hard to pin down. It can be hard when you find a only connection intensely with very particular men. It makes the other people sort of feel like something is missing. I understand that feeling and why you want to hang on (obviously) It just sucks.

[No_Go]

Thank you:) Damn. Down to their looks. It's really tough when you have such a particular type. Your type sounds a bit neurotic xD I mean not in a bad way, just sort of aloof and hard to pin down. It can be hard when you find a only connection intensely with very particular men. It makes the other people sort of feel like something is missing. I understand that feeling and why you want to hang on (obviously) It just sucks.

 

Bolded - exactly that. If they make it very straightforward, I'm losing interest super fast. [My ex was this type and I struggled and struggled to enjoy it - nope, it was always an uphill battle.] I guess I like quirky people and need to get used to the consequences.

...Or accept the slow burn connection and settle. I'm open to in some sense. It leaves a lot of opportunities to invest in other ventures. The intense connections are all absorbing and sometimes - too much...

[No_Go]

Ooooh sorry all for the endless rant

 

While thinking shall I reach out... he reached out - I'd update very soon!

[No_Go]

Guys, I'm reviving the thread because I'm meeting the guy from this thread again this weekend. For those I haven't updated, so far - we agreed to be friends only, he returned from his trip, we emailed a bit, tasks came on the way, but we are finally ready to meet up. I haven't pressured at all, because I know this interaction has shaky grounds, but agreed when he expressed definitive desire to go out again.

 

The question is: how to handle? I don't understand exactly what's going on in his head, he seem to be cycling between willingness to meet and reluctance in his messages (last exchange was back to willingness). He shared very positive news about his life, suggesting he'll stick around here for the next few years, which initially was questionable. If he wants to be friends, I'm game, I just don't understand why he acts like he's stepping on hot stones with every interaction we have. Am I doing something wrong? I have the gut feeling that there is something unsaid that he wants to share. How to make him more comfortable to do that? [For these that will criticize me that I'm too nice to him: it will benefit BOTH of us if he can speak up his mind. I just want clarity here, so I don't feel weird when interacting with him].

[Gaeta]

I am sure you have kept all of his messages.

 

If you re-read them and you concentrate on the part of messages where he is enthusiastic, what do all those message-parts have in common?

[Cookiesandough]

Oh god no!!!!!!! Not this guy!Deep breaths. Remain calm, cookie.

 

Okay... have you asked him why he thought it would be better to be friends?

[No_Go]

I tried that - he's usually most positive when he has something to share about himself, but there is also a definite bimodality in the timing of the responses. The slower responses absolutely reflect when he's hesitant about something (not a shocking discovery, I know ). It is almost like he needs to gain courage at times. I don't know how to help him with that (it should not be THAT hard, especially if we just hang out as friends).

 

 

I am sure you have kept all of his messages.

 

If you re-read them and you concentrate on the part of messages where he is enthusiastic, what do all those message-parts have in common?

[No_Go]

Oh god no!!!!!!! Not this guy!Deep breaths. Remain calm, cookie.

 

Okay... have you asked him why he thought it would be better to be friends?

 

I'm trying It all happened right after I just ramped up my OLD activity, duh.

 

I haven't asked him. Shall I? I mean if he thinks I'm ugly/old/boring etc, I don't need to know the details... If it is something about him - it will be informative but he'll likely not share... Is there a smart way to gather the info?

[Gaeta]

Don't ask him why he just wants to be friends, c'mon. He's not feeling it that's all AND when you ask that he's not stupid, he'll understand you're still harboring some hope for more and that could jeopardize your plan of making him your bf without his knowledge. We're not fools either eh!

[No_Go]

Don't ask him why he just wants to be friends, c'mon. He's not feeling it that's all AND when you ask that he's not stupid, he'll understand you're still harboring some hope for more and that could jeopardize your plan of making him your bf without his knowledge. We're not fools either eh!

 

Gaeta I feel so evil now ... I'm not trying to do anything against his free will, I promise

[clia]

I think he is reluctant because he knows you want more than just friendship. He likes you, hence why he sounds willing to meet up with you, but doesn't want more than friendship and is worried you do, which causes hesitation.

 

All you can do is treat this totally and completely like a friendship. The fact that you are this concerned about all of it suggests to me that you are hoping he will change his mind and start dating you again.

[No_Go]

Clia, that's NOT normal for friendship dynamics either. I do have a friend (platonic) that I met on the same site, and it has never been that awkward. Maybe just the first 2 weeks after we agreed on friendship.

 

I'm not that stupid to run against his free will. If he wants friendship only - that's what he'll get from me.

 

I think he is reluctant because he knows you want more than just friendship. He likes you, hence why he sounds willing to meet up with you, but doesn't want more than friendship and is worried you do, which causes hesitation.

 

All you can do is treat this totally and completely like a friendship. The fact that you are this concerned about all of it suggests to me that you are hoping he will change his mind and start dating you again.

[Cookiesandough]

I'm trying It all happened right after I just ramped up my OLD activity, duh.

 

I haven't asked him. Shall I? I mean if he thinks I'm ugly/old/boring etc, I don't need to know the details... If it is something about him - it will be informative but he'll likely not share... Is there a smart way to gather the info?

 

Probably better not to not because he will be ambiguous either way, but was just curious if you did. I really don't understand why you're friend zoning yourself with this guy. You seem like an awesome girl with too much to offer. FZ is a sucky place to be. Did he know you had friends from the dating app? May I ask for a brief on what the circumstances were in that case/how you came to be friends.

Edited October 19, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Probably better not to not because he will be ambiguous either way, but was just curious if you did. I really don't understand why you're friend zoning yourself with this guy. You seem like an awesome girl with a too much to offer. FZ is a sucky place to be. Did he know you had friends from the dating app? May I ask for a brief on what the circumstances were in that case/how you came to be friends.

 

Because I enjoy my communication with him... I know FZ is not the greatest place but he fits in quite well as a platonic friend as well so it's not forced.

 

He doesn't know about my platonic friend. The story with the platonic friend: he's a fairly awkward postdoc as well. We met few times (5-6), conversation was great but he never made a move, so I assumed it's time to end it. Then he came up with Valentines date invite, and I told him I don't see us romantically but I'm ok being friends. He said 'give me 2 weeks to recover', I did, then we went out as friends... And we still are meeting once every month or two platonically, just to chat, eat and discuss life. It has been 3-4 years now.

 

Cookies I don't know... I remember your story with the next year guy. I don't want to create false hopes and ask questions but this story makes me thinking.

[clia]

Clia, that's NOT normal for friendship dynamics either. I do have a friend (platonic) that I met on the same site, and it has never been that awkward. Maybe just the first 2 weeks after we agreed on friendship.

 

It worked out with your platonic friend because you weren't interested in him. All of the angst was on his side.

 

If I had a new "friend" and that "friend" seemed reluctant and hesitant to get together with me, I would probably drop it. It just seems awkward to keep pushing it so much. If he really wants to be your friend, he will make it happen.

[No_Go]

Well he (the platonic one) was interested though and it worked out for him two of us to stay just friends.

 

The guy of this thread: he is initiating. It is more that I sense the reluctance, not him expressing it. Hope I'm sort of clear.

 

It worked out with your platonic friend because you weren't interested in him. All of the angst was on his side.

 

If I had a new "friend" and that "friend" seemed reluctant and hesitant to get together with me, I would probably drop it. It just seems awkward to keep pushing it so much. If he really wants to be your friend, he will make it happen.

[olivetree]

Well he (the platonic one) was interested though and it worked out for him two of us to stay just friends.

 

The guy of this thread: he is initiating. It is more that I sense the reluctance, not him expressing it. Hope I'm sort of clear.

 

I wouldn't want to meet with any friend that sounded reluctant to hang out.

 

Keep letting him make all of the moves.

That will help you feel like he actually does want to hang out, and take pressure off him too if he's scared you still want him.

 

If the friendship isn't working for you or holding you back in any way, you can end the "friendship" at any point, including now.

[No_Go]

For those who wonder how the platonic part of the experience continued...

This was he loveliest morning in the recent history We ventured a new path in the woods that we have both never been at, besides how close it is to us. I was wondering what to expect, but after we hugged for welcome and it was all of a sudden all normal and natural, the same vibe that I have with very old friends. We played with random dogs, watched birds and fish (no insect mating this time ), discussed our recent trips and somehow conversation spins towards dancing. I'm a layman in this field so to speak. In a certain point he tells me how easy it is, takes my hand and a second later he is spinning me around. I was for a moment in shock that I lost control over my own body, but it was fun, I'm definitely very intrigued with his dancing skills. Parted ways down some random road and I'm cooling off from all the sun now.

I swear that's the most non-conformational interpersonal experience in my existence but well - no regrets. I need to collect my thoughts a bit:)

[Cookiesandough]

Glad to hear you had a good time. Interested in your further reflections on this. Seems very non-conformational but who's to say that's bad.