Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

Sadly, I'm almost 33 Gaeta I should have passed my teenage years quite a while ago but yeah, we late bloomers can be pathetic.

 

That reminds me when I was a teen girl having a celebrity crush. I'd buy all the magazines talking about Leif Garrett (hard to believe but he was hot as a teen) and I'd read the articles again and again trying to read between the lines and I'd scrutinize every pictures in search of details I may have missed. It's cute at 15, not so much at 31 No_go.

 

You suffer from having a crush on this man.

[No_Go]

Lorenza, you get me Reasoning doesn't work here because whatever it is, is very intense and yeah, addictive.

 

In a world of boring, mediocre people it's hard to meet someone so magnetic. This is it! I honestly don't care if he'll be the prince charming or a once a month friend. I crave REAL connection that beats boredom and 'rules' of mediocre existence where everyone should be cut from the same cloth and any deviation from it *must be* something wrong psychologically or some underlying mean intention. It is not that, it is not that, and I can't explain it, words sometimes fail.

 

But it would benefit you, NG, if you could call things by their names. Ok, it is indeed delusional to say I'm indifferent. It is lying to myself. I don't know what I want from him, I'm trying to answer this for myself, but what I do know is that I crave his presence. Another thing I know - because of the intensity of the connection it is tolerable only in small doses. Maybe that's why is so awkward.

 

Feels like this has to run it's course and there can be no reasoning here. What NG is feeling is highly addictive and stronger than the voice of reason. Some people attracts us to them like a magnet and we forget everything we've promised ourselves earlier on. It's not the first case and not the last one, when a moth can't stay away from the fire. And I understand that. In a world of boring, mediocre people it's hard to meet someone so magnetic. The feeling is almost euphoric.

 

But it would benefit you, NG, if you could call things by their names. Wouldn't it make you feel free to admit it to yourself that it's not friendship you're seeking? Admit that you want him, to hang out with him, to be in his presence. You try to make yourself sound indifferent, but sorry to say, you're not succeeding Let this run it's course if you have to, but don't delude yourself

[NuevoYorko]

it is a VERY pleasant feeling actually. It makes me insired and alive. I remember my ex (who was the 'traditional relationship' type) left me near energy depleted. I'd sleep 10 h per day and still be tired. Since I met this new guy: I'm up and running on 4 hour rest. It was the same with the 2008 guy. Mind can lie us, but can the body lie, that much?

 

Oh come on. You are falsely equivocating relationships where both people are into each other ("traditional") with your past soul killing experience.

 

You are now describing it like it's a fun game. As Gaeta noted it reads like a youthful obsession with a celebrity, which doesn't require participation from the object.

 

Forgive me because I am an old curmudgeon but this is my opinion, without kid gloves:

 

When this thread started, you were excited about having a relationship with this fellow. Once it was clear that he's not on that page, you appear to have adjusted yourself to a place where what you actually wanted all along is a one sided obsession - that, in fact, you disparage "traditional" reciprocal relationships.

 

I have to call it obsession. The amount of your head space that this is taking is quite disproportionate to the depth and intimacy of the relationship. By "intimacy" I'm not talking about sex. Even as a friendship this seems too unreciprocated and superficial to have this much time and energy spent on it.

 

OK, there's the opinion of an old grump. The bottom line is that clearly this is what you want and this is what you've created for yourself. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you don't venture into the "bunny boiler" realm. I sincerely hope that it remains fulfilling for you and that if / when it is not any longer, you will move on swiftly. Forgive the cliche but life is short.

 

Best of luck to you with all of this, NG.

[lana-banana]

Ok, my quotes suggest infatuation for sure, they are mostly old quotes but still. I can tell you one thing for sure - these 'obsessive' thoughts cannot , even intentionally, be created in a vacuum. Call it platonic, call it friendship, the connection is very present. I can't put my finger on it but I feel it with all my senses.

 

Probably the most unintentionally accurate thing you've said here. These feelings didn't emerge in a vacuum. There is something inside you---not him, this is entirely you---that's creating and feeding this addiction. More introspection will help you out here. What's going on with you? Why are you responding this way?

 

I think most if not all women here have been here and done this, or something very similar; the only difference is we did it at a younger age. We recognize this for what it is because we have firsthand experience. Nobody is trying to be harsh, they're just trying to emphasize the reality of the situation. JuneL and NuevoYorko had some pretty great advice.

 

I do have a pretty good working theory about what's going on but by your own admission you are beyond reason and logic. You are still very much in denial of his own statement that he is not interested in you, and until you can get a handle on this one, nothing any of us say will register.

 

But it's good that you recognize this as an addiction and you aren't fully in control of your senses. Why not try to detox? Stop thinking about this guy and stop doing things that reinforce your thoughts of him. Try to spend time with the friends and activities that keep you grounded.

[No_Go]

Thanks NY.

 

By ‘traditional’ I don’t mean reciprocal. I mean calculated. Ie first kiss by end of..., meeting parents by ..., getting engaged by .... The calculated aspect I experienced full on with my ex and I’d never ever do it again. I feel sorry for people that have to do it for one reason or another.

 

In ANY of my relationships (friendship, romantic, family etc) how the other respond to me is absolutely no correlated with how I feel about them. I’ve said that many times in my threads.

 

With this fellow I think I’m adjusting because I’m finding out new things about myself. I’m extremely grateful to him for that, otherwise I’d have done what I’ve done before: couple up with the first guy that i meet and is interested, call it a day, and live my ‘sentence’ with him until resentment becomes unbearable...

 

Oh come on. You are falsely equivocating relationships where both people are into each other ("traditional") with your past soul killing experience.

 

You are now describing it like it's a fun game. As Gaeta noted it reads like a youthful obsession with a celebrity, which doesn't require participation from the object.

 

Forgive me because I am an old curmudgeon but this is my opinion, without kid gloves:

 

When this thread started, you were excited about having a relationship with this fellow. Once it was clear that he's not on that page, you appear to have adjusted yourself to a place where what you actually wanted all along is a one sided obsession - that, in fact, you disparage "traditional" reciprocal relationships.

 

I have to call it obsession. The amount of your head space that this is taking is quite disproportionate to the depth and intimacy of the relationship. By "intimacy" I'm not talking about sex. Even as a friendship this seems too unreciprocated and superficial to have this much time and energy spent on it.

 

OK, there's the opinion of an old grump. The bottom line is that clearly this is what you want and this is what you've created for yourself. There is nothing wrong with it as long as you don't venture into the "bunny boiler" realm. I sincerely hope that it remains fulfilling for you and that if / when it is not any longer, you will move on swiftly. Forgive the cliche but life is short.

 

Best of luck to you with all of this, NG.

[No_Go]

Ok, spill the beans and tell me your hypothesis I’m really curious to know it and really will not take offense.

 

You’re right most people do what I do. You’ve done the same as you said. Then they stop. Because the pragmaticism beats romance once for good. Because life needs (social status, peer pressure, reproductive urges, financial security) override the ‘beginners mind’.

 

It can’t be entirely me. I have some ideas for my own contributions but it just can’t be entirely me. If it is I’d consider having divine powers I mean the external factor (in him) is feeding it, otherwise it would have died out for good.

 

My intuition is a fabulous asset that I’ve ignored for long. Big mistake, it is our primal survival sense, it should be used. Now my intuitive sense is on fire - I’m seeking why.

 

Btw it is NOT that I am not spending time with friends or in activities- ever since I met him I ramped up my activities 300%. Mainly solitary stuff (which I enjoy most), but stuff with friends as well .

 

Oh, and I'm not in any denial - as I've proven over and over here and elsewhere - I have zero trouble with criticism and/or rejection. I actually love it - it motivates me further. Remember your own experience - you know exactly wat I'm talking about - our gut is VERY powerful in telling us when to back off and when to keep going. I just promised to myself to trust my gut, that's it

 

Probably the most unintentionally accurate thing you've said here. These feelings didn't emerge in a vacuum. There is something inside you---not him, this is entirely you---that's creating and feeding this addiction. More introspection will help you out here. What's going on with you? Why are you responding this way?

 

I think most if not all women here have been here and done this, or something very similar; the only difference is we did it at a younger age. We recognize this for what it is because we have firsthand experience. Nobody is trying to be harsh, they're just trying to emphasize the reality of the situation. JuneL and NuevoYorko had some pretty great advice.

 

I do have a pretty good working theory about what's going on but by your own admission you are beyond reason and logic. You are still very much in denial of his own statement that he is not interested in you, and until you can get a handle on this one, nothing any of us say will register.

 

But it's good that you recognize this as an addiction and you aren't fully in control of your senses. Why not try to detox? Stop thinking about this guy and stop doing things that reinforce your thoughts of him. Try to spend time with the friends and activities that keep you grounded.

Edited October 23, 2017 by No_Go

[Gaeta]

 

It can’t be entirely me. I have some ideas for my own contributions but it just can’t be entirely me. If it is I’d consider having divine powers I mean the external factor (in him) is feeding it, otherwise it would have died out for good.

 

I am afraid, Yes it's entirely you:

 

 

Crushes come from your limbic brain, which is the part we share with animals. It’s responsible for basic functions, like your heart beating and breathing in and out, but over the years humans developed a middle brain and a cortex on top,’ explains Dr Blumberg. Basically, a crush comes from the limbic brain – the same part that gets addicted to drugs – so curing a crush is like curing an addiction. Hard.

 

[No_Go]

You got me here Love it, I'll investigate.

 

I am afraid, Yes it's entirely you:

 

 

Crushes come from your limbic brain, which is the part we share with animals. It’s responsible for basic functions, like your heart beating and breathing in and out, but over the years humans developed a middle brain and a cortex on top,’ explains Dr Blumberg. Basically, a crush comes from the limbic brain – the same part that gets addicted to drugs – so curing a crush is like curing an addiction. Hard.

 

[Cookiesandough]

YAY - I wish more posts were decomposing his behavior (I'm pretty aware on my side/contribution to the story but clueless for his).

 

I think things are getting overblown and harsh, but that's not usual here at all. I think people think there is one right way to be, irrespective of the goals of thread starter and other parties involved. I understand reading between the lines, but it's often unhelpful when it feels too off the mark. I also notice though it may begin from a place of concern, one idea begins to snowball into a grotesque caricature by the end as people contribute their own. You are eventually turned into some trainwreck of a person(in your case a 'bunny boiler').

 

I don't see any sign of you being a psycho and out of touch. Actually, at first I thought you may be in denial and the friendship might hurt you, but I admit I was wrong. I could not imagine being a guys friend, especially if I thought there were unreciprocated feelings, but I am not you. You don't seem unhappy with it.

 

This man said that he doesn't see a great match for a serious relationship. It might be an incompatibility or it might be a lack of chemistry, but something he is not feeling. What is anyone's guess.

 

There's also a chance that it has nothing to do with you and it's about where he's at right now. Perhaps he's not in a position for anything serious. But in that case, it would have been better and more honest to say that he wasn't at the place. Not that he doesn't see a match

 

I will say what I do believe about male-female romantic relationships based on things I've read. Women do appear to be more malleable as far as romantic or sexual attraction developing. I think it's very unusual for that to develop later for men.

 

If your goal is to get this guy to develop these feelings after this stage, and you will be very disappointed if that doesn't happen, it is better to bow out now. If you believe there's even a chance you might regret not spending this time working on your goal of 3.5 kids instead of lackadaisical moments with him - abort mission. But you seem perfectly rational, and if you are enjoying the moments with him for what they are and you're fine with whatever outcome, then the more power to you.

 

I think it's a little odd how he is navigating this, too. VERY odd, considering he's not dating people and emphasized it repeatedly on the last outing.

I'm interested in the context in which he said this

He should have at least an inkling you are romantically interested in him If not, I assume he must be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, which is possible but unlikely.

If you say it's unlikely, it's probably not significant enough to be contributing to his behavior. You've spent a great deal of time with him. You must be able to tell some of his social-emotional functioning. If he is that emotionally unaware? I can usually tell from an hour or two of deep conversation with someone at the most.

Maybe there is a very strong intellectual connection, Absolutely, big time. We also share ton of common hobbies, some of which are super awkward even to talk about with someone not into them

Excellent!!

even getting a little flirty

Oh not little, we share food, lie next into each other in a pillow talk position, basically edge it to near kiss and then it never happens. It was incredibly frustrating initially, now it makes sense because we agreed being platonic.

It's very intimate. I could not see myself doing this with a friend. However, depending on individual or culture it's not necessarily flirty/sexual. Not sure here..

Does he like the attention? I doubt it, he has plenty of female friends, so it is not that he really needs my attention. Maybe he likes it in a way of course.

This makes sense. He keeps many female friends. Of course he enjoys your company.

Maybe the more you hang out with him the more you can unravel about it.This makes sense, I guess that's the only real way to solve the puzzle.

 

I think everyone is just worried you will get hurt. Yeah, I know, it is the same IRL, my friends all warn me. BUT right now, right now I prefer to feel alive rather than

 

vegetating in a LTR sucking my energy out (as I did continuously in the past 5 years with my 3 'real' bfs...).

 

 

I will say I've never regretted not getting into a relationship. I most regret not spending more time sticking around and studying people who interested me. I regret not sticking around and finding out what some people were about. I've learned more about myself and found more joy by doing than my relationship gave me. My failed relationship hang up is an obsession....a sick malignancy that offers me no joy unlike your relationship with this dude.

Edited October 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Thanks! I told you Cookies you may have great insights because you have similar vibe to my guy - i.e. intuitive feeler (I'm sorry to go to MB again but that's the most simplistic way to put it out).

 

I think things are getting overblown and harsh _ I always read it that way: people reflect through the prism of their own wills and wishes, and skew based on personal experiences and especially disappoinments. So nothing written here I take literally or personally- however, I do take a note of every opinion. But I'm old enough and confident enough in myself - I can imagine how for an younger user the 'bunny boiler' accusations could have been devastating.

 

I don't see any sign of you being a psycho and out of touch. - Thanks - I sincerely hope you're right I usually try to keep very grounded by iterating thoughts in few different medias, which of course can be taken as obsessive as well Jokes aside - You don't seem unhappy with it. - I haven't been happier in some time. I don't think it's him per se - it is the fact that I'm slowly but surely getting in touch with myself.

*** Some may remember my struggles with introducing my ex to family - it was big time because it was all rushed, calculated, and not reflective of me as a person. Just like I was acting in a movie taking someone else role... Now I feel myself.

 

This man said that he doesn't see a great match for a serious relationship. Glad you cited it - I didn't want to because of privacy, exact wording was 'more serious relationship'. I shared it in private with a bunch of folks here and out of here: if fascinated me how people read lines that are not even there. For example - romance was never in discussion. What 'more serious' means was never in discussion. I have insight on these though based on my exchanges with him, and yes, it makes sense only in the specific context of his definition. Doesn't make it a lesser of rejection - but it just has nothing to do with romance.

 

There's also a chance that it has nothing to do with you and it's about where he's at right now. It very well could be this. I'm not asking questions because he's doing the work in the background. Some was discussed on our last meet. There is an ego component.

 

I think it's very unusual for that to develop later for men. That is spot on as well. High testosterone individuals (primarily men) develop chemistry immediately or never. I'm the same way. I don't know if it is there or not for him - and right now - not pushing to find out. If it is not there - it will never be (*** although I think he has a very developed feminine side which complicates things a bit, but let's ignore this for now for simplicity).

 

If you believe there's even a chance you might regret not spending this time working on your goal of 3.5 kids instead of lackadaisical moments with him - abort mission. But you seem perfectly rational, and if you are enjoying the moments with him for what they are and you're fine with whatever outcome, then the more power to you. This is very complicated because there are factors - biological and societal, that are almost out of my control. Almost. I'm cooking a plan to beat the system on that. It has to do with medicine (egg preservation), not anything to do with him for these that will get worried

 

I'm interested in the context in which he said this - he was reminiscing on our past experiences. He's exremely good at retrospecting because he records his thoughts daily.

 

You must be able to tell some of his social-emotional functioning. If he is that emotionally unaware? No, he's extremely emotionally aware, although he's also a bit self-focused. But yeah - he's too aware, he's taking a note of nearly every event, emotion, thought and time stamps it.

 

However, depending on individual or culture it's not necessarily flirty/sexual. He has atypical response to intimacy. It is hard to read,. For example, nudity for him (as for me as well) is not sexual, just natural.

 

He keeps many female friends. He emotes better with females from what I can tell.

 

I will say I've never regretted not getting into a relationship. I most regret not spending more time sticking around and studying people who interested me. I regret not sticking around and finding out what some people were about. I've learned more about myself and found more joy by doing than my relationship gave me. Me too. Relationship state is stagnant, singlehood is dynamic. We need both in different phases of our lives. I enjoyed and hopefully will enjoy again existing in a couple, but I grow when I'm single. It is not unlike season change: couple=fall, harvest, single=spring, renewal.

 

 

I think things are getting overblown and harsh, but that's not usual here at all. I think people think there is one right way to be, irrespective of the goals of thread starter and other parties involved. I understand reading between the lines, but it's often unhelpful when it feels too off the mark. I also notice though it may begin from a place of concern, one idea begins to snowball into a grotesque caricature by the end as people contribute their own. You are eventually turned into some trainwreck of a person(in your case a 'bunny boiler').

 

I don't see any sign of you being a psycho and out of touch. Actually, at first I thought you may be in denial and the friendship might hurt you, but I admit I was wrong. I could not imagine being a guys friend, especially if I thought there were unreciprocated feelings, but I am not you. You don't seem unhappy with it.

 

This man said that he doesn't see a great match for a serious relationship. It might be an incompatibility or it might be a lack of chemistry, but something he is not feeling. What is anyone's guess.

 

There's also a chance that it has nothing to do with you and it's about where he's at right now. Perhaps he's not in a position for anything serious. But in that case, it would have been better and more honest to say that he wasn't at the place. Not that he doesn't see a match

 

I will say what I do believe about male-female romantic relationships based on things I've read. Women do appear to be more malleable as far as romantic or sexual attraction developing. I think it's very unusual for that to develop later for men.

 

If your goal is to get this guy to develop these feelings after this stage, and you will be very disappointed if that doesn't happen, it is better to bow out now. If you believe there's even a chance you might regret not spending this time working on your goal of 3.5 kids instead of lackadaisical moments with him - abort mission. But you seem perfectly rational, and if you are enjoying the moments with him for what they are and you're fine with whatever outcome, then the more power to you.

 

I'm interested in the context in which he said this

 

If you say it's unlikely, it's probably not significant enough to be contributing to his behavior. You've spent a great deal of time with him. You must be able to tell some of his social-emotional functioning. If he is that emotionally unaware? I can usually tell from an hour or two of deep conversation with someone at the most.

 

Excellent!!

 

It's very intimate. I could not see myself doing this with a friend. However, depending on individual or culture it's not necessarily flirty/sexual. Not sure here..

 

This makes sense. He keeps many female friends. Of course he enjoys your company.

 

 

 

I will say I've never regretted not getting into a relationship. I most regret not spending more time sticking around and studying people who interested me. I regret not sticking around and finding out what some people were about. I've learned more about myself and found more joy by doing than my relationship gave me. My failed relationship hang up is an obsession....a sick malignancy that offers me no joy unlike your relationship with this dude.

[olivetree]

I think it comes down to this:

 

You're having a good time.

Until it is a bad time / detracting you from your relationship / family life goals, there is no reason to stop.

 

Put another way, if you can keep having a good time AND simultaneously work towards your goal of having a life partner (ie. keeping yourself emotionally available to other men), there is nothing to worry about.

[Cookiesandough]

my apologies no_go, i didnt know you didnt want it to be cited because of privacy. I will be more careful next time. But yes, it's vague and I see exactly what you mean. Sorry.

[No_Go]

my apologies no_go, i didnt know you didnt want it to be cited because of privacy. I will be more careful next time. But yes, it's vague and I see exactly what you mean. Sorry.

 

No worries- it was short enough segment and makes for a good discussion.

[No_Go]

Yep - and this is fully in my control - that’s why he gave me the freedom message I believe.

 

I think it comes down to this:

 

You're having a good time.

Until it is a bad time / detracting you from your relationship / family life goals, there is no reason to stop.

 

Put another way, if you can keep having a good time AND simultaneously work towards your goal of having a life partner (ie. keeping yourself emotionally available to other men), there is nothing to worry about.

[olivetree]

You said you want more people to decompose his behaviour.

 

Here is my take:

 

He has some degree of attraction to you.

Otherwise he wouldn't have asked you out in the first place.

He enjoys your company.

But something is missing for him.

I actually think because he doesn't quite know what he's looking for, every relationship feels like something is missing, but he doesn't know why.

It's like when you go shoe shopping, but you don't really know the style you want, so you can't find anything.

 

As a fellow MBTI fan, INFP's value being genuine and authentic, and you seem to have picked up on that too.

It's best to believe him when he said he wants to be friends.

He meant what he said, at least in that moment.

 

He is also affectionate and loving by nature.

So now that he doesn't have to worry about leading you on / no pressure of romance, he can be more affectionate and expressive.

Again, there is going to be some of that towards you whether or not he sees this going anywhere, because he still is attracted to you.

 

I have no idea if any of this will change, or if he will warm up to you like some people (mostly women) do.

But your best bet for any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise, is to have no expectations and to keep dating other men.

[Cookiesandough]

You said you want more people to decompose his behaviour.

 

Here is my take:

 

He has some degree of attraction to you.

Otherwise he wouldn't have asked you out in the first place.

He enjoys your company.

But something is missing for him.

I actually think because he doesn't quite know what he's looking for, every relationship feels like something is missing, but he doesn't know why.

It's like when you go shoe shopping, but you don't really know the style you want, so you can't find anything.

 

As a fellow MBTI fan, INFP's value being genuine and authentic, and you seem to have picked up on that too.

It's best to believe him when he said he wants to be friends.

He meant what he said, at least in that moment.

 

He is also affectionate and loving by nature.

So now that he doesn't have to worry about leading you on / no pressure of romance, he can be more affectionate and expressive.

Again, there is going to be some of that towards you whether or not he sees this going anywhere, because he still is attracted to you.

 

I have no idea if any of this will change, or if he will warm up to you like some people (mostly women) do.

But your best bet for any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise, is to have no expectations and to keep dating other men.

 

I agree with Olive as always!

[Gaeta]

I think it comes down to this:

 

You're having a good time.

Until it is a bad time / detracting you from your relationship / family life goals, there is no reason to stop.

 

Put another way, if you can keep having a good time AND simultaneously work towards your goal of having a life partner (ie. keeping yourself emotionally available to other men), there is nothing to worry about.

 

That's a nice theory on paper but I have never come across a woman that was able to accomplish that with a man she's crazy about.

[olivetree]

That's a nice theory on paper but I have never come across a woman that was able to accomplish that with a man she's crazy about.

 

I did say IF.

[olivetree]

I agree with Olive as always!

 

Thanks Cookies, your posts are on point too.

 

/End circle jerk.

[No_Go]

Yep, I agree with most.

 

But something is missing for him. I may be speculating here. He needs freedom. We had endless discussions about cats and freedom, I'm a cat person and I know where he's heading He was in suffocating relationships before. I'm very settled in my life now. He saw it when he was over here. But he's still into the nomad stage (I was there not long ago - so get him perfectly), he is maybe looking for someone who is more free spirited and will dive in adventure with him. However - on our last meet - he had a long convo with me how he's slowly but intentionally changing on that. He's not *changed* - just in process. As a friend, I should NOT by any means crush his spirit. He wants to reach the stars - I let him. He do not think as lovers he'd have had the same freedom - maybe he's right. I can't tell for sure. He wants to be friends because that's what he can offer, and he doesn't want to mislead me. I want to be friends because I enjoy his presence, and I want the best for him. If could be misinterpreting - but I'm VERY intuitive.

 

I'll do what is best for him. I can take care of myself. It takes me zero effort to get into *some* LTR because I'm very low-key/adaptable. It takes a lot of effort to find someone that gets me though.

 

I have no expectations, except to be keep the communication going. I'd give you the parallel example (my other big crush). After his divorce, he started dating long distance a woman that he later married. My heart was bleeding (I was much younger, virgin, emotionally inexperienced), but I actually assisted his relationship. He was going to see her and was taking surplus of 'business trips' to visit her. I was covering him up from the rest of the team, nobody else knew.... I'd do exactly the same for this guy if need be. Btw, I also dated other men during this other crush. So I didn't spend the 7 years waiting for him, this would have been foolish. But he left the impact, not the guys I have dated, slept with, and lived with. Go figure.

 

 

 

You said you want more people to decompose his behaviour.

 

Here is my take:

 

He has some degree of attraction to you.

Otherwise he wouldn't have asked you out in the first place.

He enjoys your company.

But something is missing for him.

I actually think because he doesn't quite know what he's looking for, every relationship feels like something is missing, but he doesn't know why.

It's like when you go shoe shopping, but you don't really know the style you want, so you can't find anything.

 

As a fellow MBTI fan, INFP's value being genuine and authentic, and you seem to have picked up on that too.

It's best to believe him when he said he wants to be friends.

He meant what he said, at least in that moment.

 

He is also affectionate and loving by nature.

So now that he doesn't have to worry about leading you on / no pressure of romance, he can be more affectionate and expressive.

Again, there is going to be some of that towards you whether or not he sees this going anywhere, because he still is attracted to you.

 

I have no idea if any of this will change, or if he will warm up to you like some people (mostly women) do.

But your best bet for any kind of relationship, friendship or otherwise, is to have no expectations and to keep dating other men.

[JuneL]

OP:

 

You were comparing your dysfunctional mutual relationships to your obsessive crushes in the previous few posts. Based on your threads, you've gotten into mutual relationships with a con man, a religious fanatic weirdo and another who stole from you (?), respectively — not even because you were attracted to them in the first place, but because you were simply going with the flow. No wonder for you, mutual relationships seem so forced and pragmatic, because you were the one who took such a forced and pragmatic approach. It's also not surprising that you could still be dating and getting into relationships easily (with guys whom you are not even attracted to and whom most women would avoid like a plague), while you were having your obsessive crushes simultaneously. So far, all the guys you are genuinely attracted to have been one-sided obsessive crushes. Btw, I have no doubt you have over-romanticized these crushes since, after all, they are not available to you romantically and you don't even have a clue about what sort of a person they actually are on a daily basis. In my eyes, those dysfunctional mutual relationships and those obsessive crushes are essentially the same thing — they are the outcome of a woman with very low self-esteem and who is desperately craving for love.

 

I can't speak for all posters, but I think many of us are trying to encourage you to seek a fulfilling mutual romantic relationship with some desirable man whom you are attracted to.

[JuneL]

Oh come on. You are falsely equivocating relationships where both people are into each other ("traditional") with your past soul killing experience.

 

[...]

 

[Y]ou disparage "traditional" reciprocal relationships.

 

 

OP admitted at a few places in her past threads that she was not romantically attracted to those guys with whom she got into a relationship: it almost sounds like she was forced into a relationship with each of those pushy guys.

[No_Go]

JuneL: my self esteem is just fine thank you Craving for Love: not quite

 

I have no idea what other women avoid like plaque, I avoid like plaque boring men.All these men in my life (disfunctionsl crushes and horrible relationships in your words ) were having something major in common: they were VERY interesting people. Weirdos - sure, but at least they were different. They were people out of the box. That’s what I’m going for consciously or subconsciously.

 

Also, I feel no need to hide the negative sides of me and my partners/crushes which some ladies here desperately try to do. Therefore the more negative tone of my threads. My self esteem does not correlate with the dude I’m mating/dating/crushing on, which is very common for women, so I can see how it is confusing.

 

I read here stories for women that go for a man because he ‘treats her like a queen’ or something in that line. I find this not desirable, I find it repulsive. I want an individual. I hope I’m clear. I think a few people in this thread actually got what I’m talking about because they experienced it themselves, which is fantastic

 

Let’s be more tolerant and get back to the thread subject - who is, for better or worse, one of the most inspirational people that one could imagine.

 

OP:

 

You were comparing your dysfunctional mutual relationships to your obsessive crushes in the previous few posts. Based on your threads, you've gotten into mutual relationships with a con man, a religious fanatic weirdo and another who stole from you (?), respectively — not even because you were attracted to them in the first place, but because you were simply going with the flow. No wonder for you, mutual relationships seem so forced and pragmatic, because you were the one who took such a forced and pragmatic approach. It's also not surprising that you could still be dating and getting into relationships easily (with guys whom you are not even attracted to and whom most women would avoid like a plague), while you were having your obsessive crushes simultaneously. So far, all the guys you are genuinely attracted to have been one-sided obsessive crushes. Btw, I have no doubt you have over-romanticized these crushes since, after all, they are not available to you romantically and you don't even have a clue about what sort of a person they actually are on a daily basis. In my eyes, those dysfunctional mutual relationships and those obsessive crushes are essentially the same thing — they are the outcome of a woman with very low self-esteem and who is desperately craving for love.

 

I can't speak for all posters, but I think many of us are trying to encourage you to seek a fulfilling mutual romantic relationship with some desirable man whom you are attracted to.

[lana-banana]

Also, I feel no need to hide the negative sides of me and my partners/crushes which some ladies here desperately try to do. Therefore the more negative tone of my threads. My self esteem does not correlate with the dude I’m mating/dating/crushing on, which is very common for women, so I can see how it is confusing.

 

This is a profoundly offensive thing to say about women on these boards, many of whom are active in this thread and have tried to give you helpful advice. You are usually very respectful and kind to other posters, but this is a heck of a statement to make.

 

I read here stories for women that go for a man because he ‘treats her like a queen’ or something in that line. I find this not desirable, I find it repulsive. I want an individual. I hope I’m clear.

 

These aren't mutually exclusive. You can treat your partner very well without having a codependent relationship.

 

Let’s be more tolerant and get back to the thread subject - who is, for better or worse, one of the most inspirational people that one could imagine.

 

This is quite the hyperbole about a guy you hardly know. Even if he's the world's most inspirational human, he doesn't want to date you, and that doesn't change your situation one bit. It's still more helpful to talk about you and why you're developing these kinds of one-sided crushes, and how you choose to handle them.

[greymatter]

JuneL: my self esteem is just fine thank you Craving for Love: not quite

 

I have no idea what other women avoid like plaque, I avoid like plaque boring men.All these men in my life (disfunctionsl crushes and horrible relationships in your words ) were having something major in common: they were VERY interesting people. Weirdos - sure, but at least they were different. They were people out of the box. That’s what I’m going for consciously or subconsciously.

 

Also, I feel no need to hide the negative sides of me and my partners/crushes which some ladies here desperately try to do. Therefore the more negative tone of my threads. My self esteem does not correlate with the dude I’m mating/dating/crushing on, which is very common for women, so I can see how it is confusing.

 

I read here stories for women that go for a man because he ‘treats her like a queen’ or something in that line. I find this not desirable, I find it repulsive. I want an individual. I hope I’m clear. I think a few people in this thread actually got what I’m talking about because they experienced it themselves, which is fantastic

 

Let’s be more tolerant and get back to the thread subject - who is, for better or worse, one of the most inspirational people that one could imagine.

 

Serious question (asked with concern, not judgement), based on your wording, incorrect spelling and departure from your usually more coherent writing style in this post - do you drink, NG?