Quenching the fire?

[Gaeta]

Let’s be more tolerant and get back to the thread subject - who is, for better or worse, one of the most inspirational people that one could imagine.

 

Why is he all that in your eyes?

[No_Go]

This is a profoundly offensive thing to say about women on these boards Why it's offensive? It is just an observation that many people (particularly women) do not like to share here negative stuff about their partners. It could be out of fear they're reading, it could be image building, whatever. Or you meant it's offensive that ladies tend to built their slef-esteem on their partners? Again, I don't see it as anything more than neutral observation - ladies tend to speak in 'we'-statements after they mate with someone, and also take pride in their mate physical appearance, social status, financial status etc. For me, personally, this is all pretty irrelevant because i operate more as a 'single mind' even when coupled. I hope this explains better what I meant.

 

These aren't mutually exclusive. You can treat your partner very well without having a codependent relationship. No doubt about that. I'm all for treating/being treated very well. What I'm NOT for is preferential treatment ("oh she threats me like a king" or "he treats me like gold"). The man for me is someone treating all (friends, lovers, enemies) equally. I do this myself. I'm also NOT into mushy lovey-dovey expressions. To the guy in question: one thing that grabbed me about him is that he wrote he's completely indifferent to ILY statements. Me too.

 

he doesn't want to date you, and that doesn't change your situation one bit.

I'm not getting tired to repeat it: I don't care, this do not build my opinion about him or anyone else. He IS inspirational because of who he is, NOT because of what he wants or doesn't want to do with me. That's a completely irrelevant tangent.

 

This is quite the hyperbole about a guy you hardly know - Well, you can't quite possibly know the amount of information that we've exchanged. Again, that has nothing to do with our interpersonal relationship - t is about him as an independent entity.

 

why you're developing these kinds of one-sided crushes - you alluded you have a hypothesis but you don't want to share it? Once again, I have very healthy self-confidence and I'd hardly be disturbed from whatever hypothesis you have, so feel free to share it

 

 

This is a profoundly offensive thing to say about women on these boards, many of whom are active in this thread and have tried to give you helpful advice. You are usually very respectful and kind to other posters, but this is a heck of a statement to make.

 

 

 

These aren't mutually exclusive. You can treat your partner very well without having a codependent relationship.

 

 

 

This is quite the hyperbole about a guy you hardly know. Even if he's the world's most inspirational human, he doesn't want to date you, and that doesn't change your situation one bit. It's still more helpful to talk about you and why you're developing these kinds of one-sided crushes, and how you choose to handle them.

[No_Go]

Serious question (asked with concern, not judgement), based on your wording, incorrect spelling and departure from your usually more coherent writing style in this post - do you drink, NG?

 

Nope, trying to type fast from my phone while doing something else

 

For drinking - I've never finished a glass of wine (or another alcohol) in my lifetime. I've never used any brain-altering substance in my life and I have a profound fear of doing so (family baggage), so I'd likely never will.

[No_Go]

Why is he all that in your eyes?

 

He is one of the most introspective people that I know. He writes down his thoughts every single day - he has been doing it for 15 years! He's not afraid to admit his shortcomings. He's not afraid to be alone. He is smart but not arrogant. He builds his own rules but he's respectful to the rules that other's have. He lives a life connected to nature, senses and his inner self without following any organized religion. His soul is pure and it shows.

[Gaeta]

He is one of the most introspective people that I know. He writes down his thoughts every single day - he has been doing it for 15 years! He's not afraid to admit his shortcomings. He's not afraid to be alone. He is smart but not arrogant. He builds his own rules but he's respectful to the rules that other's have. He lives a life connected to nature, senses and his inner self without following any organized religion. His soul is pure and it shows.

 

Oh! for a moment there I thought he was an exceptional beings for devoting hours to volunteer work in hospitals, or for his involvement against animal-cruelty, or his years of participation to green peace movement.

 

I would be in admiration in front of someone devoting his life to others and to the good of a community, someone selfless, but in admiration in front of someone that's turned inward?

 

I think you give him way too much credit and he doesn't deserve the pedestal you've put him on.

[No_Go]

Oh! for a moment there I thought he was an exceptional beings for devoting hours to volunteer work in hospitals, or for his involvement against animal-cruelty, or his years of participation to green peace movement.

 

I would be in admiration in front of someone devoting his life to others and to the good of a community, someone selfless, but in admiration in front of someone that's turned inward?

 

I think you give him way too much credit and he doesn't deserve the pedestal you've put him on.

 

As much as I'll totally respect and admire someone doing good for the community, it is not what I am admiring in this particular person.

 

What inspires me in him is as said, the fact he's the master of introspection. Understanding yourself is a skill that very few people have... he's just artfully good at it. And he's doing it without losing the ground under his feet and being respectful to others - a very unique combination of traits.

[lana-banana]

I'm not getting tired to repeat it: I don't care, this do not build my opinion about him or anyone else. He IS inspirational because of who he is, NOT because of what he wants or doesn't want to do with me. That's a completely irrelevant tangent.... Again, that has nothing to do with our interpersonal relationship - t is about him as an independent entity.

 

So this thread is no longer about your connection to this guy in any way but just about him, period, and how perfectly amazing he is? Am I reading this right?

[Kellens]

Hi No_Go,

 

Reading your posts about this guy makes me remember how I felt about a couple of guys in my past. I have also gotten the same crazy excitement, about the guy and just life in general after meeting him. I'm slightly jealous but also glad that I don't have that feeling right now too!

 

I appreciate your way of thinking and the fact that you don't get offended easily when dealing with the posters who may seem a bit rude when giving you their advice. Whenever someone exhibits behavior that is different than the norm, people are offended because they don't understand it. Suggesting that you may be inebriated was offensive in my opinion?

Not everyone is going to think like you, act like you, react like you. I don't get why that's such a big deal for some people? Which is the reason for a lot of problems in the world, but I digress .

 

I am one of those women whose self-esteem can be lifted up or brought down by a partner, I wish it weren't true but it is. I wasn't offended at all that you said you weren't like us "typical folks" I've always liked guys who were different. Not typically attractive, weird, and they just have that special something that I'm drawn to. I relate to you in a way because of this, but I don't think I'd be able to handle being around someone whom I found so special that doesn't want to be with me. I applaud your strength for this but at the same time, realize that he's not magically going to change and want more than a friendship.

I just wouldn't want you to close yourself off to other options that may be out there. Whether it be now or in another year, if this guy decides to string you along. I'm sure I've said this to you in a previous post but just be careful! We all know how it feels to have a broken heart and wasted time, don't do it to yourself again.

 

Good luck!

[Gaeta]

Whenever someone exhibits behavior that is different than the norm, people are offended because they don't understand it.

 

It's nothing like that. Many of us have been posting here regularly for a few years along No_go. We've seen and supported No_go through her last break up and we care a great deal for her. Our tough-love comes from genuine concerns. We want for her what she deserves, and she deserves the very best because she's a terrific girl!

[Kellens]

It's nothing like that. Many of us have been posting here regularly for a few years along No_go. We've seen and supported No_go through her last break up and we care a great deal for her. Our tough-love comes from genuine concerns. We want for her what she deserves, and she deserves the very best because she's a terrific girl!

 

I wasn't speaking of you Gaeta I almost always agree with your posts. Some people can be more mean than helpful though or they're just thinking of how they would react to things without really reading what No_Go is saying and realizing that she's a bit different. This is an online forum though and I understand there will be an array of opinions and personalities. I'm just adding mine to the mix.

[lana-banana]

I think it's very offensive to suggest women in these threads are motivated by a desire to appear perfect or to have perfect relationships, or that they're insecure and their relationships determine their self-esteem, and that's why the threads can be negative. No_Go is unique in many wonderful ways, but I think most of us are honest about ourselves and the places we're in. I have encountered dozens of intelligent and independent women on this site. It's why I stick around.

 

It struck me as particularly offensive because earlier in this thread No_Go flat-out lied about me and my husband in an extraordinarily unkind way. She apologized later and was really considerate and thoughtful about it, which I appreciate, and it's part of why she has been one of my favorite posters for years. While some of us here may seem harsh or brusque, we don't descend into personal attacks. We can disagree while remaining civil and considerate of each other.

Edited October 24, 2017 by lana-banana

[clia]

Again, I don't see it as anything more than neutral observation - ladies tend to speak in 'we'-statements after they mate with someone, and also take pride in their mate physical appearance, social status, financial status etc. For me, personally, this is all pretty irrelevant because i operate more as a 'single mind' even when coupled. I hope this explains better what I meant.

 

Maybe you should care more about those things, though, since two of your long term relationships were with guys who were financially unstable. One of the guys was a total mooch, if I recall correctly, and it was a total mess? And the other guy was essentially a man-child?

 

It's strange, because you seem like an intelligent person, yet you seem to rush headlong into things, and once you've decided you are going after it, that's it. You go. Go-Go, not No-Go. You ignore any red flags that pop up (and there were tons in at least two of your past relationships, if I recall) and just keep plugging away. You tell us you are independent, have high self esteem, etc., but then you end up in these situations that seem to contradict that. And with this guy, the thrill of the chase seems to invigorate you and you've convinced yourself that he's so special that he deserves to be chased by you. I guess I'm not convinced. I guess I don't feel that most women with high self esteem would chase after a guy who rejected her and try to convince him to be friends. It seems desperate. I hope you don't get hurt by this friendship, but since you keep insisting you can handle it, I'll take your word for it.

 

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think you've dated much? You tend to fall into relationships with the first or second guy who comes along? Do I have that right? Because I tend to feel like your actions here and extended analysis of this guy seems very teenager-like and inexperienced.

 

You seem like a good person, so I want the best for you. Are you continuing OLD and dating other men?

[Els]

Wow, I totally missed this thread. Could we get cliffs' notes for the last 55 pages, please?

[No_Go]

So this thread is no longer about your connection to this guy in any way but just about him, period, and how perfectly amazing he is? Am I reading this right?

 

No, it is about my experiences with him or my perception of him. It is not about dating him from 25 pages or so, therefore I have no idea why you keep pinging on the dating aspect which is not currently in discussion. And I'd reiterate - how much I am inspired by him has ZERO connection with his relationship status with me - he could be a friend, enemy, lover, stranger - what I think *about him* is independent and reflects *him* not *me and him*. Clear?

[lana-banana]

Huh? Three days ago you were talking about dancing with him and "learn about his body control" and seeking ideas for how to get closer to him without him thinking you were violating his desire for platonic friendship. If you've decided you're 100% over that, that's great news, but it seems hard to believe.

[No_Go]

Thank you Kellens!

 

"I have also gotten the same crazy excitement, about the guy and just life in general after meeting him" I looooove the bolded part of this statement. This is it!

 

Whenever someone exhibits behavior that is different than the norm, people are offended because they don't understand it. Another awesome quote. I personally take no offense because people come from a good place, and want to help, in most cases.

 

Suggesting that you may be inebriated was offensive in my opinion? - to me this was hilarious statement considering the fact I was writing this in prime commute time (time stamps ) and also the few 1,000s posts on here explaining that/why I have never had alcohol in my lifetime.

 

I am one of those women whose self-esteem can be lifted up or brought down by a partner It is normal to seek approval especially when you're younger. I've needed approval as well, not from partners, but from professors and other people in my life I've admired. With age, I think we start needing it less and less. In my family, I had a slightly unusual upbringing - they kind of stuck in my head that a partner may stagnate my development (for better or worse that's what they believed) - so up to date I'm more comfortable being single and do NOT consider being partnered as something positive... Well, I'm working to change the latter.

 

I applaud your strength for this but at the same time, realize that he's not magically going to change and want more than a friendship. - Absolutely, I neither expect it to happen nor want to impose it on him.

 

Whether it be now or in another year, if this guy decides to string you along. He'll not - this is in my hands. He was gracious enough to give me out when he saw our goals may not align and that makes me respect him even more.

 

Hi No_Go,

 

Reading your posts about this guy makes me remember how I felt about a couple of guys in my past. I have also gotten the same crazy excitement, about the guy and just life in general after meeting him. I'm slightly jealous but also glad that I don't have that feeling right now too!

 

I appreciate your way of thinking and the fact that you don't get offended easily when dealing with the posters who may seem a bit rude when giving you their advice. Whenever someone exhibits behavior that is different than the norm, people are offended because they don't understand it. Suggesting that you may be inebriated was offensive in my opinion?

Not everyone is going to think like you, act like you, react like you. I don't get why that's such a big deal for some people? Which is the reason for a lot of problems in the world, but I digress .

 

I am one of those women whose self-esteem can be lifted up or brought down by a partner, I wish it weren't true but it is. I wasn't offended at all that you said you weren't like us "typical folks" I've always liked guys who were different. Not typically attractive, weird, and they just have that special something that I'm drawn to. I relate to you in a way because of this, but I don't think I'd be able to handle being around someone whom I found so special that doesn't want to be with me. I applaud your strength for this but at the same time, realize that he's not magically going to change and want more than a friendship.

I just wouldn't want you to close yourself off to other options that may be out there. Whether it be now or in another year, if this guy decides to string you along. I'm sure I've said this to you in a previous post but just be careful! We all know how it feels to have a broken heart and wasted time, don't do it to yourself again.

 

Good luck!

[No_Go]

Huh? Three days ago you were talking about dancing with him and "learn about his body control" and seeking ideas for how to get closer to him without him thinking you were violating his desire for platonic friendship. If you've decided you're 100% over that, that's great news, but it seems hard to believe.

 

Ok, show me a quote where this relates to dating him or willingness to date him. Yep, I want to get closer to understand him better, and yep, I'm intrigued by his exceptional body control. So? How is that supporting your hypothesis?

[No_Go]

I think it's very offensive to suggest women in these threads are motivated by a desire to appear perfect or to have perfect relationships, or that they're insecure and their relationships determine their self-esteem, and that's why the threads can be negative.

 

Just to make clear - this was not targeted towards you. Just a general observation for forums, social media etc. Of course I could be wrong, but I've heard statements in that line from women (close friends) in one-on-one honest conversations.

[Cookiesandough]

No_go's assessment of other's motives is offensive but everyone's criticism of her motives are not. "Teenager-like" and all this other stuff not offensive. It just seems like some people here are here are unhappy for some reason and purposefully jump for any opportunity to critical. I don't think it's coming from a place of constructiveness anymore. Just my own assessment.

[No_Go]

Yes, I've been involved with financially unstable guys. Let me explain here: if they have similar lifestyle to mine - i.e. modest, and do not speculate, I'm fine being the main breadwinner. In some senses I'd actually prefer it that way.

 

You go. Go-Go, not No-Go. You ignore any red flags that pop up (and there were tons in at least two of your past relationships, if I recall) and just keep plugging away. :lmao: Because I feel like I can make a lemonade out of lemons. Plus my partners are not a source of self-esteem for me - they are just people I enjoy interacting with and digging deeper to understand what they are about.

 

I guess I don't feel that most women with high self esteem would chase after a guy who rejected her and try to convince him to be friends.

Well if a couple of e-mails I initiated in the past month are chasing, call it that way Dating/mating is not the end all be all of human interactions.

 

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think you've dated much? You tend to fall into relationships with the first or second guy who comes along? Do I have that right? Because I tend to feel like your actions here and extended analysis of this guy seems very teenager-like and inexperienced. Correct. I'm a late bloomer, started dating in my late 20s and since then - I've been on ~10 (11-12?) first dates, 3 of which resulted in relationships that totalled at ~ 4 years of 'relationship time'. I lived with 2 of them. Maybe I'm reliving my teens when I never even thought of dating

 

 

Maybe you should care more about those things, though, since two of your long term relationships were with guys who were financially unstable. One of the guys was a total mooch, if I recall correctly, and it was a total mess? And the other guy was essentially a man-child?

 

It's strange, because you seem like an intelligent person, yet you seem to rush headlong into things, and once you've decided you are going after it, that's it. You go. Go-Go, not No-Go. You ignore any red flags that pop up (and there were tons in at least two of your past relationships, if I recall) and just keep plugging away. You tell us you are independent, have high self esteem, etc., but then you end up in these situations that seem to contradict that. And with this guy, the thrill of the chase seems to invigorate you and you've convinced yourself that he's so special that he deserves to be chased by you. I guess I'm not convinced. I guess I don't feel that most women with high self esteem would chase after a guy who rejected her and try to convince him to be friends. It seems desperate. I hope you don't get hurt by this friendship, but since you keep insisting you can handle it, I'll take your word for it.

 

I'm trying to remember, but I don't think you've dated much? You tend to fall into relationships with the first or second guy who comes along? Do I have that right? Because I tend to feel like your actions here and extended analysis of this guy seems very teenager-like and inexperienced.

 

You seem like a good person, so I want the best for you. Are you continuing OLD and dating other men?

[No_Go]

No_go's assessment of other's motives is offensive but everyone's criticism of her motives are not. "Teenager-like" and all this other stuff not offensive. It just seems like some people here are here are unhappy for some reason and purposefully jump for any opportunity to critical. I don't think it's coming from a place of constructiveness anymore. Just my own assessment.

 

Ha! Indeed! Let's jump back to the topic - what is this guy about. I know what I am about so psychoanalyzing my motives is fruitless albeit fun....

[lana-banana]

I think you are obsessed with this man. It isn't a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person (you're obviously awesome!), it's just an observation.

 

I keep emphasizing his lack of romantic interest because you seem to have a very hard time accepting it. Even now you say "oh no, he never said the word romance, he only said we weren't a good fit for anything serious" as though it makes any difference. You are parsing his every word and every breath to an obsessive length.

 

I haven't shared my thoughts about you because I don't think you want to hear them. Despite claiming to love criticism and be very open, you have shot down every single person in this thread who suggested perhaps this crush has more to do with you than it does him.

 

It is evident this thread is getting really upsetting for you, and I'm sorry if I said or did anything that hurt. I know this place can feel like a pile-on when you go against the conventional wisdom. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just pointing out that this is an obsession.

[No_Go]

Wow, I totally missed this thread. Could we get cliffs' notes for the last 55 pages, please?

 

I met a guy on dating site - I was extremely fascinated by him, we went on 5 dates including a house date but no physical contact happened, then he went on a month-long trip and e-mailed me he wants to stay friends but not get more serious. I agreed and we went this past weekend on an awesome hike together. The posters are dissecting what's wrong with me that I'm enjoying this interaction because it is not leading to a relationship in a traditional sense. In the meantime, I'm trying to understand this guy better because he's an awesome human being with unique traits. That's it in short

[Cookiesandough]

Ha! Indeed! Let's jump back to the topic - what is this guy about. I know what I am about so psychoanalyzing my motives is fruitless albeit fun....

 

I butchered what I was trying to say but I'm glad you understood it lol. I need sleep. I think you know what you want better than any of us. So when are you meeting up again

Edited October 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I think you are obsessed with this man.

Could be, but as one poster said - it is something that needs to be experienced in full to move forward.

 

I keep emphasizing his lack of romantic interest because you seem to have a very hard time accepting it.

Again, I'm not. Why it's hard to believe it? I specified word romance wasn't used because it was not. What's the point to go towards a random interpretation that doesn't reflect the facts?

 

It is evident this thread is getting really upsetting for you, and I'm sorry if I said or did anything that hurt. Thanks, I'm not hurt but I think it will be more helpful to stay on topic. I know myself. Share your thoughts if you want. I don't know if I'll follow them but I'll be very interested to see your viewpoint.

 

 

I think you are obsessed with this man. It isn't a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person (you're obviously awesome!), it's just an observation.

 

I keep emphasizing his lack of romantic interest because you seem to have a very hard time accepting it. Even now you say "oh no, he never said the word romance, he only said we weren't a good fit for anything serious" as though it makes any difference. You are parsing his every word and every breath to an obsessive length.

 

I haven't shared my thoughts about you because I don't think you want to hear them. Despite claiming to love criticism and be very open, you have shot down every single person in this thread who suggested perhaps this crush has more to do with you than it does him.

 

It is evident this thread is getting really upsetting for you, and I'm sorry if I said or did anything that hurt. I know this place can feel like a pile-on when you go against the conventional wisdom. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just pointing out that this is an obsession.