Quenching the fire?

[Versacehottie]

I had 3 LTRs and in all these cases I wasn't nervous at all. But guys were super pushy so they didn't give me the space to become nervous, last one introduced me to his extended family 5 states away within 8 weeks of dating...

 

I freaked out for one guy I went on 2 dates with (my first thread in this forum), and long before then - 9 years ago - for a guy that I never actually managed to date.

 

So in short, I haven't been THAT anxious in the beginning before... with 2 exceptions that didn't work out...

 

Well that seems to be what's going on if you ask me> you don't get anxious when you don't have the space to breathe bc the bf's were pushy. And when you don't have that dynamic, you stress out and don't give the guy the space he might need. It is pretty common actually. Maybe understanding that is likely what is happening will give you some relief to manage the anxiety.

[JuneL]

You asked me before why I always dated these type of guys - now you see why :lmao:

 

It's okay if you were nearly as attracted to them compared to this guy. The thing is, you didn't seem to be that attracted to begin with, but was simply going with the flow.

[Miss Spider]

Well that seems to be what's going on if you ask me> you don't get anxious when you don't have the space to breathe bc the bf's were pushy. And when you don't have that dynamic, you stress out and don't give the guy the space he might need. It is pretty common actually. Maybe understanding that is likely what is happening will give you some relief to manage the anxiety.

 

Completely agree. That's probably what's happening!

 

Btw Versace I love your new siggy. Still love that jam

[No_Go]

Ok- -I did it. Not looking at my phone for the night.

 

Bets - yes/no?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ok- -I did it. Not looking at my phone for the night.

 

Bets - yes/no?

 

Yes

[thefooloftheyear]

Ok- -I did it. Not looking at my phone for the night.

 

Bets - yes/no?

 

I'd have to reserve my bet until I read how you asked....If it was something to the effect of "hey.....how do you think things will be going with you in the next few days"?

 

Then I vote no.....:laugh:

 

 

TFY

[No_Go]

I'd have to reserve my bet until I read how you asked....If it was something to the effect of "hey.....how do you think things will be going with you in the next few days"?

 

Then I vote no.....:laugh:

 

 

TFY

 

I was a bit more direct

 

Agreed immediately.

[No_Go]

Yes

 

You guessed! I'm now not a virgin in asking men out any more Saturday it is.

[No_Go]

Any ideas how to gauge level of interest on the next date? Since I initiated this time, I wonder am I just dragging him along with me...

 

I feel like it will be inappropriate for me to initiate physical stuff on the date because then I'm taking the whole lead.

[thefooloftheyear]

Any ideas how to gauge level of interest on the next date? Since I initiated this time, I wonder am I just dragging him along with me...

 

I feel like it will be inappropriate for me to initiate physical stuff on the date because then I'm taking the whole lead.

 

 

Sounds like you may not have a choice....Unless buddy hugs are all you need...

 

TFY

[No_Go]

Sounds like you may not have a choice....Unless buddy hugs are all you need...

 

TFY

 

You think he won't step up himself? I wonder what is he getting out of it as well... Maybe he's waiting for exclusivity? Or is just low-libido type?

[JuneL]

You think he won't step up himself? I wonder what is he getting out of it as well... Maybe he's waiting for exclusivity? Or is just low-libido type?

 

Is it outside or at your place? How about just creating some sexual tension? Touch his arm/hand? Look him into his eyes and smile and lean forward? Actually all this should come naturally when you guys are attracted to each other physically.

[No_Go]

Is it outside or at your place? How about just creating some sexual tension? Touch his arm/hand? Look him into his eyes and smile and lean forward? Actually all this should come naturally when you guys are attracted to each other physically.

 

Outside. I thought the pressure will be less that way. I know for myself these things do not come naturally for me... Especially if I'm attracted for me it is very hard to maintain eye contact... If I put some effort though I can do it:)

[Miss Spider]

Hard to maintain eye contact, awkwardness, coyness, yes...but there should still be Lots of tension and "moments"

[JuneL]

I'm pretty shy myself. So when he looks you into your eyes, you might turn away with a shy smile. That in itself is a signal for him (assuming he's not dense ) I would have laughed at those flirting signals like playing your hair and biting your lips. But, alas, I found myself doing exactly those things, all naturally and unconsciouly, in that situation

[Eternal Sunshine]

I'd have to reserve my bet until I read how you asked....If it was something to the effect of "hey.....how do you think things will be going with you in the next few days"?

 

Then I vote no.....:laugh:

 

 

TFY

 

I win.

[Gaeta]

omg I finally made it through this tread!

 

No-go: I have been on here since 2014 and I have NEVER seen you this excited about a man!! lol, I had a blast reading this thread you had so little faith in meeting someone.

 

You like dating the introvert and highly intellectual kind of men so all that is happening here comes with the territory. I think everything is just fine for the type of man he is. My only concern is his lack of interest in introducing 'physical touches' to this, after I read he put something in his profile about not liking the highly-sexual women, I am suspecting he has a very low sex-drive, maybe some ED so he will delay sex as much as possible, or he is simply asexual.

 

You did a good thing by initiating the next date. A woman of your caliber should never be worried to show interest.

[WaitingForBardot]

You like dating the introvert and highly intellectual kind of men so all that is happening here comes with the territory.

Although obviously your experience has been different, my own has been that it doesn't (necessarily) come with the territory. I am from the same cohort as No_Go and throughout my schooling and career I can't remember more than a few introverted and highly intellectual men that would have behaved as she described with an obviously willing women in whom they were interested. And I worked with a lot of them.

 

Unless...

My only concern is his lack of interest in introducing 'physical touches' to this, after I read he put something in his profile about not liking the highly-sexual women, I am suspecting he has a very low sex-drive, maybe some ED so he will delay sex as much as possible, or he is simply asexual.

...with which I strongly agree. Or he has some sort of crippling social anxiety, which it actually doesn't sound like based on your narrative.

[No_Go]

Yay Gaeta - glad that you chimed in!

 

Yeah... I haven't been *that* excited in quite a while (winter of 2008-2009 to be exact OMG I have terrible overactive memory for dates and stuff)

 

And yeah, I was looking for a highly intellectual, analytical, not superficial type and this man is getting above and beyond of my expectations on that front! It is also coming with all the related negatives of dating such a guy - I have worked most my life among science/tech people and I am acutely aware of the drawbacks that come with it (e.g. no connection to reality in certain trivial situations... phasing out... being impractical... etc). This is also a very slow career path in terms of compensation which doesn't bother me a notch but I feel like this may cause friction because I'm supposedly living on a higher standard (tbh, coming from a country with average annual income lower than my monthly paycheck, i find it laughable and ironic that someone may think I'm used to 'high standard of living'...)

 

Sex drive - yes, I'm concerned as well. I'd be ultimately relieved if it is just an issue with ED/performance anxiety because in most cases these are things that can very easily be worked on. Asexuality... this will be a tough situation, but for now this is just extrapolation...

 

Let see how it goes next time, I'm not a natural flirt so I think I may be giving wrong impression (I flirt 'my way' but most people take it as 'cold' behavior...)

 

omg I finally made it through this tread!

 

No-go: I have been on here since 2014 and I have NEVER seen you this excited about a man!! lol, I had a blast reading this thread you had so little faith in meeting someone.

 

You like dating the introvert and highly intellectual kind of men so all that is happening here comes with the territory. I think everything is just fine for the type of man he is. My only concern is his lack of interest in introducing 'physical touches' to this, after I read he put something in his profile about not liking the highly-sexual women, I am suspecting he has a very low sex-drive, maybe some ED so he will delay sex as much as possible, or he is simply asexual.

 

You did a good thing by initiating the next date. A woman of your caliber should never be worried to show interest.

[No_Go]

Ok, I can 99% guarantee it is not physiological ED - as said my peripheral vision is usually good enough... That much for that.

 

Lack of interest is possible. Also awkwardness is possible. I used to work with physicists and I think they come above my fellow life scientists and even engineers and programmers on awkwardness in social situations... Not saying they didn't get any - sure they did, just the courtships were atypical. I shared here before my own sexual past was highly unusual - I started very late in life and ramped up from 0 to 100 within literally 3 days. So talking about weirdness .. who am I to judge. Lack of interest is a whole other topic, it is possible and I should figure this out. I'm usually very intuitive (unless too nervous at the moment).

 

Although obviously your experience has been different, my own has been that it doesn't (necessarily) come with the territory. I am from the same cohort as No_Go and throughout my schooling and career I can't remember more than a few introverted and highly intellectual men that would have behaved as she described with an obviously willing women in whom they were interested. And I worked with a lot of them.

 

Unless...

 

...with which I strongly agree. Or he has some sort of crippling social anxiety, which it actually doesn't sound like based on your narrative.

[Bastile]

I suppose I'll chime in. I like NG, think she is a high-quality woman, and I wish her the best.

 

I would be described as an introverted, intellectual type, that long since got over it. I spent my early sexual years sometimes behaving like this fellow, and it best attracted more extroverted dominant women.

 

The times I went introvert/introvert whilst under this sort of dynamic didn't work out the best for women, deep down.

 

I think you are capable of better, tbh. You have a very strong feminine vibe, and this guy can't hang. He even said he was gay lol.

 

Come now. At 30+, we don't need this s**t. The guy sounds well off from even beginning to understand who he even is as a man.

 

But then you had a boyfriend who was a virgin, so maybe you think this guy is fixable? I'm not a woman, and I struggle to understand sometimes.

 

But I don't think this guy quite cuts it. And I think that you have likely cut out other options far too soon. This is not the best that you can do, Mrs.

[JuneL]

You know what, I would have said some of the same thing, but had to remind myself that people have different tastes. That's why I told the OP this guy is very lucky to meet her!

 

I suppose I'll chime in. I like NG, think she is a high-quality woman, and I wish her the best.

 

I would be described as an introverted, intellectual type, that long since got over it. I spent my early sexual years sometimes behaving like this fellow, and it best attracted more extroverted dominant women.

 

The times I went introvert/introvert whilst under this sort of dynamic didn't work out the best for women, deep down.

 

I think you are capable of better, tbh. You have a very strong feminine vibe, and this guy can't hang. He even said he was gay lol.

 

Come now. At 30+, we don't need this s**t. The guy sounds well off from even beginning to understand who he even is as a man.

 

But then you had a boyfriend who was a virgin, so maybe you think this guy is fixable? I'm not a woman, and I struggle to understand sometimes.

 

But I don't think this guy quite cuts it. And I think that you have likely cut out other options far too soon. This is not the best that you can do, Mrs.

[WaitingForBardot]

Ok, I can 99% guarantee it is not physiological ED - as said my peripheral vision is usually good enough... That much for that.

 

Lack of interest is possible. Also awkwardness is possible. I used to work with physicists and I think they come above my fellow life scientists and even engineers and programmers on awkwardness in social situations... Not saying they didn't get any - sure they did, just the courtships were atypical. I shared here before my own sexual past was highly unusual - I started very late in life and ramped up from 0 to 100 within literally 3 days. So talking about weirdness .. who am I to judge. Lack of interest is a whole other topic, it is possible and I should figure this out. I'm usually very intuitive (unless too nervous at the moment).

I'm sure you're right about the physiological aspect, as I may have alluded to in an earlier post I'm in the lack of interest camp, either in you in specifically, or sex in general. My gut feeling is it's just a basic sexual incompatibility. I know when I mentioned that before you asked how would you know when you haven't had sex yet, but sexual incompatibility encompasses the general drive beforehand too, not just after you've gotten started.

 

I think you just need to push out of your comfort zone and make some sort of move. Thinking outside the box, I remember in the movie Annie Hall (I think), when Woody Allen meets his date for the first time he just grabs her and kisses her, and said something like great, now we've gotten that first kiss out of the way.

 

Maybe anywhere with a modicum of privacy, even on a walk or the like, when you're close enough you just need to steal a quick kiss on the lips. I think this would tell you a lot. If that's too much for him I think you need to think carefully about what he actually means by overtly sexual women.

[thefooloftheyear]

Ok, I can 99% guarantee it is not physiological ED - as said my peripheral vision is usually good enough... That much for that.

 

Lack of interest is possible. Also awkwardness is possible. I used to work with physicists and I think they come above my fellow life scientists and even engineers and programmers on awkwardness in social situations... Not saying they didn't get any - sure they did, just the courtships were atypical. I shared here before my own sexual past was highly unusual - I started very late in life and ramped up from 0 to 100 within literally 3 days. So talking about weirdness .. who am I to judge. Lack of interest is a whole other topic, it is possible and I should figure this out. I'm usually very intuitive (unless too nervous at the moment).

 

Just because you think he had a boner, doesn't mean he doesn't have other physiological sex hangups....Maybe he goes limp before getting his fly down, maybe he's a two pump chump...among other things..

 

There is no way to be sure...But I guess you'll find out soon enough...

 

As for lack of interest...I know this is a subjective question, but do you think you present what a guy would consider a "sexually attractive package"??

 

TFY

[No_Go]

Eh guys, all I can say is that attraction doesn't work in rational ways... Actually anything rational IMO is not attraction/chemistry/love but something else. Not necessarily bad but I've had the rational for a while and I'm at the moment sick and tired from it.

 

Also, sexually I believe people adapt to each other. I've had very few partners but encompassing the spectrum (mid 30s near/virgin religious type, mid40s very experienced but 'mechanistic' type of sex guy, late20s very kinky likely bisexual man)... I'm just saying nearly nothing will surprise me or stop me if we get there Firm believer in biology here. Well... there are exceptions but I'm trying to stop my mind from spinning.