Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

I am starting to wonder if he has some madonna/whore thing going on, where he really does like NG but doesn't want to ruin the purity of their relationship with sex. Or something like that.

 

At this point, I can't imagine even thy shyest guy not having gone for at least a kiss.

 

Could be... Because of the nature of the dates I acted a bit child-like.

 

I've got this feedback from a guy that dropped me before (although there was lots of making out, he didn't proceed with sex. Funnily he married the next girl so I think he was sincere with his initial intentions. He'd tell me 'you don't have vices' and I'll respond - 'I do, I drink too much soda' hahah this was another nature man)

[No_Go]

Guys, I am failing in playing it cool. We're still communicating on random topics... Although the cool off is visible, he's not gone. It is so minimal now though that I'm afraid to jump the guns asking where we stand... As Gaeta said the connection is on life support. He's also off work (sick) so it is a bit tricky situation... Weekend will be an impasse most likely (expected/uncertain travel, we spoke about it so he knows), so we're left with few week nights...

 

I'm sitting on my hands today and trying to keep busy but it is really hard, yesterday I exhausted myself with physical exercise to keep my brain from overfiring

[Gaeta]

Guys, I am failing in playing it cool. We're still communicating on random topics... Although the cool off is visible, he's not gone. It is so minimal now though that I'm afraid to jump the guns asking where we stand... As Gaeta said the connection is on life support. He's also off work (sick) so it is a bit tricky situation... Weekend will be an impasse most likely (expected/uncertain travel, we spoke about it so he knows), so we're left with few week nights...

 

I'm sitting on my hands today and trying to keep busy but it is really hard, yesterday I exhausted myself with physical exercise to keep my brain from overfiring

 

So basically now you are like a hunter hiding in the bush trying to catch a scared deer. Not fun. Would you like to get him in a relationship without his knowledge too? lol

 

You need to go back to the fishing pound and tease a new fish. I don't think you are into this guy, I think you are into the 'idea' of having this type of man as a boyfriend. He's not the only Sheldon Cooper out there. Go back fishing.

 

As for him, do n-o-t-h-i-n-g. If you ask him where you stand he will answer something useless like 'we're getting to know each other' or 'I like to take things slow', etc.

[No_Go]

LOL I am not generally into Sheldon Coopers, I rejected a few over the years because I *thought* I need an extroverted partner to balance me out. [i even put it in my previous thread that I like ENFPs, this one is INFP]. But there is SOMETHING about him that keeps me from getting back fishing. And I really want HIS feedback/knowledge before getting him into a relationship with me ...... So I just wait? I mean it is a retoric question...

 

So basically now you are like a hunter hiding in the bush trying to catch a scared deer. Not fun. Would you like to get him in a relationship without his knowledge too? lol

 

You need to go back to the fishing pound and tease a new fish. I don't think you are into this guy, I think you are into the 'idea' of having this type of man as a boyfriend. He's not the only Sheldon Cooper out there. Go back fishing.

 

As for him, do n-o-t-h-i-n-g. If you ask him where you stand he will answer something useless like 'we're getting to know each other' or 'I like to take things slow', etc.

[JuneL]

Maybe he was giving you the hint to bring him some soup Kidding aside, this dating thing between the two of you seems to be decaying naturally...

 

Guys, I am failing in playing it cool. We're still communicating on random topics... Although the cool off is visible, he's not gone. It is so minimal now though that I'm afraid to jump the guns asking where we stand... As Gaeta said the connection is on life support. He's also off work (sick) so it is a bit tricky situation... Weekend will be an impasse most likely (expected/uncertain travel, we spoke about it so he knows), so we're left with few week nights...

 

I'm sitting on my hands today and trying to keep busy but it is really hard, yesterday I exhausted myself with physical exercise to keep my brain from overfiring

[No_Go]

Nothing natural about the decay... I think he's masterfully doing it on purpose (the slow down) and I can't put my finger why. In contrast, he acts very engaged every time I see him, I mean overly chatty and overly attentive if this makes any sense...

 

Maybe he was giving you the hint to bring him some soup Kidding aside, this dating thing between the two of you seems to be decaying naturally...

[JuneL]

Nothing natural about the decay... I think he's masterfully doing it on purpose (the slow down) and I can't put my finger why. In contrast, he acts very engaged every time I see him, I mean overly chatty and overly attentive if this makes any sense...

 

Can you elaborate the bolded?

 

I dunno, since I saw many parallels between this guy and the casual friend I mentioned earlier, I have my own speculation:

 

Guys like him are not good at multitasking: putting the effort into moving this toward a relationship on the one hand, and putting the effort into his postdoc work at the same time;

 

It could be that he lacks the social ability to understand that he needs to put much more effort for this thing not to die out.

 

But all this speculation is irrelevant now, as why would you want to get into a relationship with someone so passive.

Edited August 21, 2017 by JuneL

[No_Go]

Yes - he referred to stories that I casually mentioned a month ago when we met, he'd sit down to draw to me something that he was trying to explain but I wasn't getting it completely, delayed the ending by an hour at least to when we sat down to after the walk, was paying attention to any and every small thing on the way...

 

The weird part is his passiveness is actually ok for me if we were defined as a couple. Right now I have my stuff together so I don't need someone to work with e.g. to get a house as it was in my last RL, because I've already done it myself. I've done a lot of traveling etc in the past and I'm really not into going out too much. I crave his quiet presence. It fits the bill of what I need in life in the moment.

 

I am willing to give it time - my personal circumstances will not allow me to date others by at least mid-September anyway, but for me it is critical to distinguish is this the *slow fade* or just natural hiccup for external reasons. He's not clear - he was apologetic for the lower contact last week, which made me think he's at least not ready to fully eject, but he's consistent with the low-grade contact which brings me back to the fade hypothesis...

 

Can you elaborate the bolded?

 

I dunno, since I saw many parallels between this guy and the casual friend I mentioned earlier, I have my own speculation:

 

Guys like him are not good at multitasking: putting the effort into moving this toward a relationship on the one hand, and putting the effort into his postdoc work at the same time;

 

It could be that he lacks the social ability to understand that he needs to put much more effort for this thing not to die out.

 

But all this speculation is mood now, as why would you want to get into a relationship with someone so passive.

[clia]

I don't think it's a good sign that he hasn't set up your next date yet, especially if your schedules are limited to the next few weeknights for availabiity. That indicates low interest to me. IMO, this is dead and you should just move on.

 

Out of curiosity, though, why did you set up a morning date for Saturday as opposed to a Saturday night date? It seems like the latter would've been more conducive to romance.

[No_Go]

He was quite nervous on our night time date last time (albeit it lasted over 6 hours) so I wanted to mix it up with something more low-key / outdoors.

 

I don't think it's a good sign that he hasn't set up your next date yet, especially if your schedules are limited to the next few weeknights for availabiity. That indicates low interest to me. IMO, this is dead and you should just move on.

 

Out of curiosity, though, why did you set up a morning date for Saturday as opposed to a Saturday night date? It seems like the latter would've been more conducive to romance.

[Gaeta]

Yes - he referred to stories that I casually mentioned a month ago when we met, he'd sit down to draw to me something that he was trying to explain but I wasn't getting it completely, delayed the ending by an hour at least to when we sat down to after the walk, was paying attention to any and every small thing on the way...

Maybe it's just part of his personality and not necessarily because he wants to treat you special.

 

but for me it is critical to distinguish is this the *slow fade* or just natural hiccup for external reasons. He's not clear - he was apologetic for the lower contact last week, which made me think he's at least not ready to fully eject, but he's consistent with the low-grade contact which brings me back to the fade hypothesis...

 

Did he give a reason for his lower contact of last week?

 

Is it really important why he has become inconsistent and distant? No matter the reason it's not satisfying as a relationship for you.

 

And lets say he'd told you he's crazy about you but keeps on being passive, absent, inconsistent....it's still not a satisfying relationship.

[No_Go]

Absolutely could be part of his personality and I'd strongly prefer that (treating everyone so respectfully than some special treatment for me or whoever he dates).

 

He said he didn't feel well in the second part of the week, which I think was true (he just looked tired). But I think this is just part of the picture, I'm sure there is more and it is likely not something favorable (my guess is either he's dating someone else and can't make is mind, or he's purely not interested moving forward).

 

Maybe it's just part of his personality and not necessarily because he wants to treat you special.

 

 

 

Did he give a reason for his lower contact of last week?

 

Is it really important why he has become inconsistent and distant? No matter the reason it's not satisfying as a relationship for you.

 

And lets say he'd told you he's crazy about you but keeps on being passive, absent, inconsistent....it's still not a satisfying relationship.

[JuneL]

He was quite nervous on our night time date last time (albeit it lasted over 6 hours) so I wanted to mix it up with something more low-key / outdoors.

 

Sounds like you've become the man in the relationship in many aspects.

 

Btw, have you had any dinner dates in a restaurant? If yes, who

paid? Just wanted to gauge how platonic your activities are

[No_Go]

We had one restaurant dinner (2nd date). He paid.

 

P.S> I'm very nervous when accepting someone paying for me - I'm sure he noticed.

 

Sounds like you've become the man in the relationship in many aspects.

 

Btw, have you had any dinner dates in a restaurant? If yes, who

paid? Just wanted to gauge how platonic your activities are

[Miss Spider]

Ugh... so no date has been set up yet...

 

When he set up the last few dates was he direct about it or sort of passive and how quickly after did he do it?

[No_Go]

Yup.

Except the second one that he scheduled the next day, he was slowish with the other 2... Especially with the 4th he was very slow.

 

Ugh... so no date has been set up yet...

 

When he set up the last few dates was he direct about it or sort of passive and how quickly after did he do it?

[No_Go]

He's not disappearing though - ramped back up, but heck - nothing yet planned... I'm VERY tempted to make a suggestion for something but maybe it's a bad idea...

[Miss Spider]

He's not disappearing though - ramped back up, but heck - nothing yet planned... I'm VERY tempted to make a suggestion for something but maybe it's a bad idea...

 

 

Think it's a bad idea. You're trying to gauge his interest level at this point. A good way to make that determination is to sit back and wait for him to ask to see you.

[BluEyeL]

If he's not setting up next date in a couple of days, this is really dead. Don't beat on a dead horse, just move on! Even if he's texting.

[NuevoYorko]

I feel like this guy really does / did like you; things between you were progressing well, everything going swimmingly - but he can't or won't actually function within the context of a relationship, even on a pretty casual level. He can't / won't get physical in any way because that will be a lead-in to more attachment and maybe responsibilities. I'd be surprised if he knows this about himself. From what you've posted, he is or was very sincerely drawn to you, your connection is / was legit, but the next step is just not possible for him.

 

I have a family member who is definitely gay but was not able to even self identify as such until he was almost 50 years old, so strong is his cultural stigma concerning it. Reading your thread reminded me of him and that's why I mentioned the "gay" thing earlier. He used to "ghost" on women regularly when it was time for their relationships to move into the sexual realm. Women with whom he obviously shared a very strong connection and chemistry, just not of the sexual nature. He'd bring them to family gatherings and everything, just like real girlfriends.

 

It doesn't really matter. It's pretty obvious that your fellow is not going to take the steps that lead into a committed relationship. I am quite certain that it has nothing to do with you, who you are or what you did or didn't do during this confusing dating experience.

 

Maybe I am wrong and he will have a revelation that he needs to make decisive moves towards a relationship, and do it. I would like that.

 

Whatever happens, I think this thread is a cautionary tale about letting "the fire" take hold very early in getting to know someone. It can make it much more painful and confusing if it doesn't go.

[JuneL]

I feel like this guy really does / did like you; things between you were progressing well, everything going swimmingly - but he can't or won't actually function within the context of a relationship, even on a pretty casual level. He can't / won't get physical in any way because that will be a lead-in to more attachment and maybe **responsibilities**. [...] It's pretty obvious that your fellow is not going to take the steps that lead into a committed relationship

 

 

I actually agree with your analysis. Guys like this are not very good at taking up extra responsibilities, even if these are just the usual responsibilities in

life.

[No_Go]

Nuevo, I could be naive but I think that's why he's delaying the next date, and also was so nervous on the in-house date (although he suggested it)... he's unable to step it up and getting internally frustrated. [My now-platonic friend hat I met under similar circumstances was kissing the air in front of me but never initiated hand shake or anything... I don't know how to even describe it here].

 

I mean I don't think he's sexually confused (I have a close friend who has dated many women but ended up confessing he's gay in his mid-30s after meeting a guy he was very drawn to; also in the same science field if it matters)... My guy does NOT show signs of being gay, although I'm certain he thought about it... He always postpones the final goodbye on the dates with at least an hour, I really think something stops him from stepping it up but it is not the sexual orientation.

 

Also, last time he asked casually for confirmation that 'he'll see me again' as if I was pulling away (I was not)? And said something cute that he 'doesn't understand little things' referring to me most likely (it was another insect conversation that I don't want to transcribe here )...

 

It is very confusing and I like him as is... I'm so tired of 'goal-oriented' dating that I find this very difficult situation somewhat reviving, as contradictory as it sounds...

[Dis]

Hey girl

 

I've been following the lastest updates. Here is my take....

 

First off, I'm so sorry things arent progressing the way you hoped for. You seem like such an awesome person and you deserve the best

 

Second, I think you're really over analyzing and pushing and twisting around in hopes this will work out. I cant blame you one bit as I've done that type of thing countless times

 

What I think would be most helpful here is for you to take a few steps back and really clear your head. You're too immersed in him and the progression (or lack thereof) you cant see the forest from the trees. Your head is spinning (again, been there). I think you either need to plan some dates with some new guys (which I realize is tough to do, I'm not a multidater either) or just jump into work or a hobby or something else. I think you're intensity in this situation is clouding your judgement and maybe is making you see things that arent there.

 

From my point of view, I think you guys have a great connection...but I dont see it going anywhere. Like a lot of situtations on OLD, things stall and fade and disappear. Thats par for the course. IME, guys that really liked me and wanted something genuine with me never made me guess where they were at or if they were going to text/call, plan the next date etc. They moved things along and I felt good. I wasnt guessing, I didnt feel like I was on a rollercoaster. No push/pull type of nonsense. It seem like you're steering the ship and that really should be his job.

 

At the end of the day its up to YOU to decide if its going somewhere or not. But until you clear your head...I dont know that you can really make that call

 

Just a side note on multidating. I've never been able to do it but if I do OLD again, I think I'd multidate. It prevents this kind of worrying and hyperfocusing. Connections on OLD are fleeting anyway. So having a few prospects in the race would be beneficial in the long run

 

I really hope everything works out for you girl. Whether its with this guy or not. The right one is out there

[No_Go]

Dis, thanks for your thoughts! I tried multi-dating: when I met him I had scheduled dates next day and day after with other men. First one (coffee date) I went to and I was miserable because I couldn't switch my thoughts to this person, I was thinking for 'my' guy. Next one - I just cancelled - it was a dinner date and made me nauseous to stay late in the evening with someone else. This was just one date in. Now... I'm sure it will be much worse.

 

Time will take its course if we don't step it up by end of the month. I won't be stuck forever. But I absolutely agree I should clear my head. I have tons of difficulties focusing on work, hobbies, friends - this is taking my mind.

 

I have the gut feeling that I'll have a resolution by tomorrow - not sure it will be a good one but... If I was religious I'd say a prayer... spell for a wish... concentrate energies... Whatever people do:) Now I realize the power of hope - because I'm losing it, for this situation.

[Gaeta]

Dis, thanks for your thoughts! I tried multi-dating: when I met him I had scheduled dates next day and day after with other men. First one (coffee date) I went to and I was miserable because I couldn't switch my thoughts to this person, I was thinking for 'my' guy. Next one - I just cancelled - it was a dinner date and made me nauseous to stay late in the evening with someone else. This was just one date in. Now... I'm sure it will be much worse.

 

Time will take its course if we don't step it up by end of the month. I won't be stuck forever. But I absolutely agree I should clear my head. I have tons of difficulties focusing on work, hobbies, friends - this is taking my mind.

 

I have the gut feeling that I'll have a resolution by tomorrow - not sure it will be a good one but... If I was religious I'd say a prayer... spell for a wish... concentrate energies... Whatever people do:) Now I realize the power of hope - because I'm losing it, for this situation.

 

No_go dear, you are speaking like someone infatuated. Heavily infatuated. You have seen him a total of 5 times, he's still a stranger, and here you are talking about 'losing it' and in a previous couple of posts you were talking about accepting him as he is with his passiveness and sexual hang ups and all. It's heading toward an unhealthy infatuation.