Quenching the fire?

[lana-banana]

No, I mean the lovey-dovey dudes that call me all the time, write me love letters, are pawing all over me like a lovable puppy, can't stop looking at me - overboard, disguisting, likely fake, never again.... Just not my style. I prefer to be single over this.

 

I don't want to be put above everyone else - I don't suffer from goddess complex or something I just want a man to inspire me and be inspired by me. If he has other priorities in life - that's expected, and admirable.

 

This guy was texting me a lot, kind, complimentary, attentive etc. Maybe just not into me which is fine, no mean feelings except that he wasn't upfront and honest with me to say that. That I don't understand and don't respect

 

No one is saying anyone is going to make you their #1 life priority. It's just about a steady stream of attention that communicates "hey, I don't want to multi-date, I'm not interested in just playing around, I really like you".

 

You need to go ahead and block this guy's number/profile/any other means of contact, because otherwise I would bet my mortgage that this thread is updated around noon with "OMG he texted a vague thing that could totally mean he's into me if you flip it sideways and squint, what now???"

 

And don't be dismissive of romantic gestures, either. I am not a sappy person, but the love letters my fiancé and I exchanged in the first few months are still near and dear to my heart. I have no doubt you would have eventually been overjoyed to get a love letter from this guy. When the person is right, everything else feels right too.

[No_Go]

I doubt he'll contact ever again ;(

 

But you're right about romantic gestures - if they come from a person you want, it is different ... My experiences were with guys that I just tolerated and that's why they look ridiculous now Like the guy that would leave me crazy 60s articles on my desk. Or the one that wrote me a letter I got so weirder about I buried it in a book (one day I'll probably find it and laugh : ) ). Or the one highlighted the map between our houses. Or my ex who was bringing me coffee in bed every morning... All meaningless gestures in absence of true connection...

 

No one is saying anyone is going to make you their #1 life priority. It's just about a steady stream of attention that communicates "hey, I don't want to multi-date, I'm not interested in just playing around, I really like you".

 

You need to go ahead and block this guy's number/profile/any other means of contact, because otherwise I would bet my mortgage that this thread is updated around noon with "OMG he texted a vague thing that could totally mean he's into me if you flip it sideways and squint, what now???"

 

And don't be dismissive of romantic gestures, either. I am not a sappy person, but the love letters my fiancé and I exchanged in the first few months are still near and dear to my heart. I have no doubt you would have eventually been overjoyed to get a love letter from this guy. When the person is right, everything else feels right too.

[JuneL]

Just to clarify: He didn't contact you yesterday as he had promised? This seems worse than rejecting you directly.

[No_Go]

Just to clarify: He didn't contact you yesterday as he had promised? This seems worse than rejecting you directly.

 

Indeed. I'd 100% prefer direct rejection

[JuneL]

Indeed. I'd 100% prefer direct rejection

 

What are you going to do if he contacts you today (e.g., agreeing to meet but explaining that he was "busy" yesterday)? I'm with Blue Eye: he'll be in touch again with some half-a$$ed effort.

[No_Go]

What are you going to do if he contacts you today (e.g., agreeing to meet but explaining that he was "busy" yesterday)?

 

I don't know. I don't really hold hope I'll hear from him ever again ;(

[Lorenza]

"Courting" doesn't mean a guy has to kiss the ground you walk on and shower you in rose petals...I think you're going into extremes as you only associate it with fake interest and aggressiveness. An introverted, intellectual and shy man can be a pursuer just as well as a masculine macho man. It's about putting a bit of that extra effort to make sure he ends up with the woman he really likes and wants for himself. The woman doesn't have to be a damsel either, but fighting for a man's interest has never been considered attractive.

[BluEyeL]

"Courting" doesn't mean a guy has to kiss the ground you walk on and shower you in rose petals...I think you're going into extremes as you only associate it with fake interest and aggressiveness. An introverted, intellectual and shy man can be a pursuer just as well as a masculine macho man. It's about putting a bit of that extra effort to make sure he ends up with the woman he really likes and wants for himself. The woman doesn't have to be a damsel either, but fighting for a man's interest has never been considered attractive.

 

As someone who married a shy man, I totally agree with this.

[No_Go]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

Ok, now back to processing it, work and life that I have severely neglected been obsessed to him, back to nights in which I can sleep and meals that I can finish. Dating: on hold for the next moth or two, and then I'll find my boring man that will court me and get exclusive at 3-4 dates like it was in the past ;( Not everyone is meant to live in a fairy tale but everyone can convince themselves that the mundane boring relationship they're in is right for them. I'm 99% sure I'll soon do the same, so... for now I'd enjoy my month of being single and free. And alone.

[lana-banana]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

Ok, now back to processing it, work and life that I have severely neglected been obsessed to him, back to nights in which I can sleep and meals that I can finish. Dating: on hold for the next moth or two, and then I'll find my boring man that will court me and get exclusive at 3-4 dates like it was in the past ;( Not everyone is meant to live in a fairy tale but everyone can convince themselves that the mundane boring relationship they're in is right for them. I'm 99% sure I'll soon do the same, so... for now I'd enjoy my month of being single and free. And alone.

 

 

This is obviously not coming from a healthy place. It might be a good idea to get away from these boards for a while or at least keep yourself otherwise occupied until you are feeling level headed again. Feel free to PM if you ever need anything and be kind to yourself. This isn't a travesty, this isn't a tragedy, and dating doesn't have to be miserable. This is just one of many experiences you'll have along the way to a truly good partner. Lots of hugs and love to you---amd seriously don't hesitate to reach out.

[clia]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

Ok, now back to processing it, work and life that I have severely neglected been obsessed to him, back to nights in which I can sleep and meals that I can finish. Dating: on hold for the next moth or two, and then I'll find my boring man that will court me and get exclusive at 3-4 dates like it was in the past ;( Not everyone is meant to live in a fairy tale but everyone can convince themselves that the mundane boring relationship they're in is right for them. I'm 99% sure I'll soon do the same, so... for now I'd enjoy my month of being single and free. And alone.

 

If the thrill of the chase and ambiguity are what excites you and that is what you want in a relationship, no one is forcing you to date a "boring" guy who courts you, shows clear interest, and wants exclusivity. It's totally your choice.

[Gaeta]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did.

 

Don't fall into self-flagellation.

 

This guy is the same as any other guys, he is NOT any more special or any more complicated than any man out there.

 

When a man says *he wants to take things slow* it's because he's got another fish on his line. It doesn't have any complicated meaning because he's gay or bi, or asexual, or shy, or hurt or anything else. Stop trying to find a logic reason to why he did this, there isn't any. You had a couple of good dates and then it was like pulling teeth with him.

 

Men are simple. The most simple explanation is always the right explanation.

[No_Go]

Sorry but not buying it for this guy. He has been single for years and years. He could have easily had a one night stand with me and go on his way with the other 'fish'. He's special, different, and unavailable. That's that. As said I 'look forward' to getting entrapped by my attentive gentlemen who will swing his tail in joy every time when he sees me and I'll be dying slowly from inside. Blah.

[BluEyeL]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

Ok, now back to processing it, work and life that I have severely neglected been obsessed to him, back to nights in which I can sleep and meals that I can finish. Dating: on hold for the next moth or two, and then I'll find my boring man that will court me and get exclusive at 3-4 dates like it was in the past ;( Not everyone is meant to live in a fairy tale but everyone can convince themselves that the mundane boring relationship they're in is right for them. I'm 99% sure I'll soon do the same, so... for now I'd enjoy my month of being single and free. And alone.

 

I know you're hurting, many hugs, I hope you get over this quickly. You didn't do anything wrong, he just wouldn't have worked out anyway.

 

It's not really true though that everyone convinces themselves of anything, it's just everyone is different and different things makes them happy.

 

If a relationship with someone emotionally available and who wants to build something real with you seems boring, I think you indeed are better off single, because indeed, after a few years, you'll not be in the height of emotion all the time, even if it starts on the fantasy of cloud 9, it's not sustainable. It's deep love, in a good relationship definitely deeper than in the beginning, but not the same feelings of excitement and anxiety you have at 3 months of dating. For example, I feel I'd do anything for my partner, that's how love feels, it's full in my chest, I'd run in front of a car to protect him. I know I want to spend the rest of our lives together. But I don't have the anxiety and I'm not fantasizing like I did initially.

 

If you want to always be in the honeymoon stage, it is better to date and once that's over, go to for another round with someone new.

[SwordofFlame]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

Ok, now back to processing it, work and life that I have severely neglected been obsessed to him, back to nights in which I can sleep and meals that I can finish. Dating: on hold for the next moth or two, and then I'll find my boring man that will court me and get exclusive at 3-4 dates like it was in the past ;( Not everyone is meant to live in a fairy tale but everyone can convince themselves that the mundane boring relationship they're in is right for them. I'm 99% sure I'll soon do the same, so... for now I'd enjoy my month of being single and free. And alone.

 

Just like relationships that move "too fast" often fail, so do relationships that move "too slow".

[No_Go]

As said - last ones were 2008-2009, and a short blip in 2014, then now in 2017.

 

I can have a committed partner easily (still getting cold chills that I almost engaged one of these) but I'd probably find one that I'm excited about in 2026. Maybe a short blip in 2023, if lucky.

 

Ugh.

 

 

If you want to always be in the honeymoon stage, it is better to date and once that's over, go to for another round with someone new.

[JuneL]

Just like relationships that move "too fast" often fail, so do relationships that move "too slow".

 

Couldn't agree more!! You lose momentum that way.

[JuneL]

So sorry....

 

I wish you the best..

 

TFY

 

Welcome back

[BluEyeL]

As said - last ones were 2008-2009, and a short blip in 2014, then now in 2017.

 

I can have a committed partner easily (still getting cold chills that I almost engaged one of these) but I'd probably find one that I'm excited about in 2026. Maybe a short blip in 2023, if lucky.

 

Ugh.

 

You don't know that. Hope the next one is sooner rather than later.

[JuneL]

He actually said 'he wants to take it very slow' and 'experience all the steps'. I messed it up guys. My impatience did. I'm not crying a river over it but I'm pretty sure that I suffocated him because of how impatient I have been.

 

 

How is asking him on another date that's going to be a week away from the last one suffocating? Did he not initiate dates only half as much time apart from each other at the beginning? It's not like you're blowing up his phone. He doesn't even know you intend to talk about this non-relationship, does he??

[No_Go]

How is asking him on another date that's going to be a week away from the last one suffocating? Did he not initiate dates only half as much time apart from each other at the beginning? It's not like you're blowing up his phone. He doesn't even know you intend to talk about this non-relationship, does he??

 

But hey, I'm a woman so I better not lift a finger initiating because guys like to lead (even when the woman is 3 steps ahead in getting her sh*t together she still need to be coy and act like a damsel in distress, right?)

 

Eh June, you're right, I'm just upset.

[Gaeta]

As said - last ones were 2008-2009, and a short blip in 2014, then now in 2017.

 

I can have a committed partner easily (still getting cold chills that I almost engaged one of these) but I'd probably find one that I'm excited about in 2026. Maybe a short blip in 2023, if lucky.

 

Ugh.

 

Spoken like a true victim of destiny.

 

No_go you don't believe that really, you are an amazing young woman, love is out there for you, you just need to believe it.

[JuneL]

As said - last ones were 2008-2009, and a short blip in 2014, then now in 2017.

 

I can have a committed partner easily (still getting cold chills that I almost engaged one of these) but I'd probably find one that I'm excited about in 2026. Maybe a short blip in 2023, if lucky.

 

Ugh.

 

The way to meet someone with real chemistry/connection sooner than later is not to waste time on someone whom you are only meh about (like your two ex'es: the con man and the religious man).

 

p.s. You probably remember I asked you in another thread why you would get into a relationship very quickly with someone you're not even that attracted to to begin with.

Edited August 24, 2017 by JuneL

[No_Go]

The way to meet someone with real chemistry/connection sooner than later is not to waste time on someone whom you are only meh about (like your two ex'es: the con man and the religious man).

 

p.s. You probably remember I asked you in another thread why you would get into a relationship very quickly with someone you're not even that attracted to to begin with.

 

Oh true - and the Latin guy that was physically abusive and will occasionally steal from me but I entertained dating with him for 18 months. I'm definitely picking winners

 

why you would get into a relationship very quickly with someone you're not even that attracted to - because they'll push and I'm spineless to say 'no', maybe I'm not that different from the guy in this thread...

[olivetree]

Hey NG,

 

I read the last bit of your thread.

Sorry to read it's ended in disappointment

 

You mentioned he is an INFP.

So am I, but a woman.

 

I'm not going to pretend to know this guy based on 1 of 16 types, but reading about that type might help you make sense of it all.

 

Like the fact that INFP's are super romantic at heart, but can be very slow to warm up emotionally, especially if we are unsure about a person.

We slowly unfold like flowers, revealing sides of us you don't expect even months later, like childlike silliness, limitless affection, and devotion.

 

So the fact that he went out with you 5 times and didn't kiss you suggests to me that he was taking a friends first approach (the first step he didn't want to miss) without actually telling you that.

 

And btw, as an introvert, I am most happy with another introvert (my guy is an INFJ and it is amazing) so don't think you need to swing back to extroverts!