Quenching the fire?

[Gaeta]

I think we should stop putting people in category and then excuse their bad behavior because they are a certain set of letters.

 

Being and INFP or IXHE or OILJ is not a pass to treat people with disrespect, to ignore their communication and to hurt their feelings. This man is 36 years old, he's not from out of space and completely unaware of what hurts, what is polite and what is honest.

 

I guarantee you even if this guy is an INFP when his boss calls he picks up!! He doesn't ignore his boss and if he tells his boss he'll show up at work he does! Being a nerd is not an excuse to treat people poorly!!

[olivetree]

I think we should stop putting people in category and then excuse their bad behavior because they are a certain set of letters.

 

Being and INFP or IXHE or OILJ is not a pass to treat people with disrespect, to ignore their communication and to hurt their feelings. This man is 36 years old, he's not from out of space and completely unaware of what hurts, what is polite and what is honest.

 

I guarantee you even if this guy is an INFP when his boss calls he picks up!! He doesn't ignore his boss and if he tells his boss he'll show up at work he does! Being a nerd is not an excuse to treat people poorly!!

 

I didn't mean what I wrote to come off as an excuse for anything.

 

I agree that you deserve better, NG!

 

I can't relate to this guy on a lot of points, because I would be way more honest and upfront than he is being, because I care about others' feelings.

[No_Go]

Lots of emotions, some things progressed as predicted I think I need a week or so to rethink and maybe get to a new thread but I'd try not to post further (or that much) in this one because it is cursed I guess

 

Thanks all for the input though! Some things learned and a lot more to be learned about love&life

[Miss Spider]

Sorry, I know you don't want anyone to write here anymore, No_Go, but I just wanted to add one more thing and what I have thought would probably be the death of this thing early on, but I didn't want to plant seeds of doubt. I know you said you bond with drama/anxiety, but think may have shown through and caused him to lose interest.

 

This clickbait article says it better than I can, so I will pull pieces from the article I think are pertinent to what happened in this situation

 

The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest

 

 

 

[...] During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with him and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company. After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.

 

When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem. You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.

 

You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.

 

Most guys can intuitively sense when a woman is reacting to them as an object rather than a person, when she is using him as a means to fill a void within herself.

 

[...]

When you meet a guy who makes you feel OK, your need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully. You may not even realize you’re doing it; it’s not something you express outright. But it’s there and it comes across, even in the slightest ways. It changes your vibe and your energy and guys feel this.

The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest

 

 

Ok, so while the article is not specifically about this, I think it is very close. You anxiety and negativity concerned many people who followed the thread. You said you are just an "intense" person. That's okay, but most people aren't at the beginning and when that emotional intensity is negative it can be troublesome. You also reassured us "he doesn't know" what you're feeling. He may not know the specifics, but I find it hard to believe you can compartmentalize that. I feel like the anxiety/needy might have slipped through when you spend time together or in your interactions. The feelings you get when you meet a guy who makes you think this guy is the only guy who has made me this good in 9 years can make you act in ways you normally wouldn't. It can be imperceptible to you and sometimes even hard to pin-point for the guy. Usually, it comes off as slightly too eager/try-hard. Basically, hiding those emotions will probably make you come off as unnatural and I think it shows in your interactions with the person.

 

 

This thread is 'cursed' only in the way that most LS threads are cursed- they are written by a person who is anxious and way more emotionally invested than the other. That doesn't bode well for the rship. Getting invested so quickly and deeply you ignore or find ways around red flags, having the mindset that finding the right person will be nearly impossible for you (scarcity), needing another person to really feel "alive" - The 'whys' of that may be something you want to explore. I didn't write this to be critical. I apologize if it came off that way. I also don't think you should change a bit unless you want to. You are so lovable the way you are. Just wanted to add as much info as possible as to what may have happened so your next thread will be filled with more positivity.

[No_Go]

Thanks Cookies - I think this is it! You don't have PM? Too bad...

[Miss Spider]

Do now:D:D:D

[Miss Spider]

wrong spot delete

[No_Go]

Ok, I can't stop myself apparently

 

He reappeared, we rescheduled and mid-way of making concrete plans - he drops contact AGAIN.

 

Options:

1) Slow fade - too scared to tell me he is not interested

2) Personality type - can't keep up pressure

3) Decided to take his time to make sure he won't leave me hanging again

4) Abducted by aliens

 

I don't believe the busy excuses... And yes, I'm that persistent/naive to keep wondering. Let's not discuss that feature of mine. Just the situation.

[Gaeta]

Options:

1) Slow fade - too scared to tell me he is not interested - When someone wants to leave your life, let him.

 

2) Personality type - can't keep up pressure - He's Weak - He's at the bottom of the food chain and a bigger dinosaur will eat him up soon so don't wast your time anymore.

 

3) Decided to take his time to make sure he won't leave me hanging again - Wait! - he disappears to make sure next time he won't disappear! How do you make sense out of this, you a science girl with a super brain!

 

4) Abducted by aliens - God I hope so !!

[thefooloftheyear]

Ok, I can't stop myself apparently

 

He reappeared, we rescheduled and mid-way of making concrete plans - he drops contact AGAIN.

 

Options:

1) Slow fade - too scared to tell me he is not interested

2) Personality type - can't keep up pressure

3) Decided to take his time to make sure he won't leave me hanging again

4) Abducted by aliens

 

I don't believe the busy excuses... And yes, I'm that persistent/naive to keep wondering. Let's not discuss that feature of mine. Just the situation.

 

 

Why don't I just send you a hammer and you can smash your finger every few days.....

 

TFY

[No_Go]

:lmao: He's making my logical brain go off function. I mean for 3) I though he didn't want to commit to details before 100% sure that he'll follow through... But I still hope is 4) because the rest is qualifying him as 'undateable at the moment' blah

 

Where can I find similar dude that is more consistent?? I'm literally brainstorming on this already which suggests my interest towards him is dropping rapidly... I couldn't think about this 2 days ago...

[No_Go]

:lmao: I think that may help! I need to get kicked a bit to detach from this madness...

 

Why don't I just send you a hammer and you can smash your finger every few days.....

 

TFY

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just out of curiosity as this has happened to me many times:

 

Why would a guy ask for a date or suggest to see you but then drag his feet when it comes to firming up the plans like date/time? It really makes no sense to me.

 

I was in a situation where there was a fluid flow of conversation and then when it comes to "let's meet at place x time y" the guy would slow down responses or change the topic to some random chit chat.

[No_Go]

Why would a guy ask for a date or suggest to see you but then drag his feet when it comes to firming up the plans like date/time? - my guess will be throw a bite to make sure you're still interested but then start questioning himself "Do I really want to see her?", "Will she start chasing me after?" something in that lines.

 

I'm thinking this whole situation is double bitter because the guy effectively declined sex. Now, am I unappealing? Maybe it is the getting older part but it is still hard to swallow... I think I can't be THAT repulsive unless my mirror is lying to me

[Miss Spider]

Just out of curiosity as this has happened to me many times:

 

Why would a guy ask for a date or suggest to see you but then drag his feet when it comes to firming up the plans like date/time? It really makes no sense to me.

 

I was in a situation where there was a fluid flow of conversation and then when it comes to "let's meet at place x time y" the guy would slow down responses or change the topic to some random chit chat.

 

I feel like the answer to this is that he really doesn't know if he wants to or if something he would prefer doing won't come up. Most of the time, he doesn't know if he wants to, but he doesn't want to completely shut the door. When it comes time to nail down details or firm things up, **** gets real and they get quiet. Classic string-a-long.

[Miss Spider]

BlueeyeL was right awhile back. From what I've read, the guys usually come back. Ghost, resurrect, ghost, resurrect. Men seem notoriously good at not burning any bridge until absolutely necessary. You probably need to be the one to cut the cord >.<

Edited August 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I had one that ghosted me and sent a sappy explanation a week after. Never heard from him after that though.

Most come back - true (my exes were notorious with that, the last one we were breaking up for... I think 8 months or so, and he continued sending me 'feeler' angry messages after...). Of course the ones that I like are the one who ghost for good :/

I feel like giving up dating whatsoever.

 

BlueeyeL was right awhile back. From what I've read, the guys usually come back. Ghost, resurrect, ghost, resurrect. Men seem notoriously good at not burning any bridge until absolutely necessary. You probably need to be the one to cut the cord >.<

[JuneL]

I vote for 2), including Gaeta's conclusion. This guy's passiveness would have turned me off big time. On the other hand, it's not fair to say that he disappears and resurfaces, as every time the OP was worried that this guy might be ghosting her, it was because the guy had not replied to her previous message for a few hours.

 

 

 

Options:

1) Slow fade - too scared to tell me he is not interested - When someone wants to leave your life, let him.

 

2) Personality type - can't keep up pressure - He's Weak - He's at the bottom of the food chain and a bigger dinosaur will eat him up soon so don't wast your time anymore.

 

3) Decided to take his time to make sure he won't leave me hanging again - Wait! - he disappears to make sure next time he won't disappear! How do you make sense out of this, you a science girl with a super brain!

 

4) Abducted by aliens - God I hope so !!

[SevenCity]

[/Quote: Cookiesandough]

 

The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest

 

 

 

[...] During the first few dates with a new guy, your vibe is typically pretty laid-back and easygoing. You want to explore the possibilities with him and see what he’s all about. It starts out light and fun, it’s about connecting and enjoying each other’s company. After a few great dates with a seemingly great guy, most women can’t help but get excited about the possibilities. They think of where the relationship might go and they start to invest in a fantasy future.

 

When this happens, you are no longer in the here and now, seeing the situation for what it is. Instead, your mind is focusing on what it could be and that’s when it becomes a problem. You become attached to this fantasy future and then you can’t help but stress over it and worry about losing it (even though it’s not something you ever really had!). Then your fears and insecurities rise to the surface and seep into your interactions with him.

 

You begin interacting with the thoughts in your head rather than with the person in front of you. Rather than trying to learn who he is and what he’s about, you look at his behavior and the things he says as a means to measure how he feels about you… and whether you’re getting closer or further away from your goal of having a relationship with him.

 

Most guys can intuitively sense when a woman is reacting to them as an object rather than a person, when she is using him as a means to fill a void within herself.

 

[...]

When you meet a guy who makes you feel OK, your need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully. You may not even realize you’re doing it; it’s not something you express outright. But it’s there and it comes across, even in the slightest ways. It changes your vibe and your energy and guys feel this.

 

.

 

Funny, this is the exact advice given to men how not to push away women.

 

Perhaps it is true for both genders but when two people are on the same page it tends to go fine.

 

It's hard not to get excited when you have finally found someone you click with. It's a learned skill.

[Miss Spider]

Yeah, sometimes they do not. The ones that are 100% certain that it won't work out, but if a guy is like 60% it won't work out and there isn't a other prospects on the horizon then get ready for it to be dragged out.The biggest turn off to me here was that she asked him to come over for a date andhe said he would get back to her the next day and he disappeared that whole day... (???) then he said because he's busy. Don't buy it. Even a shy guy is not going to ignore his crush's date offer ?? I don't buy whole passive thing.

[Miss Spider]

Funny, this is the exact advice given to men how not to push away women.

 

Perhaps it is true for both genders but when two people are on the same page it tends to go fine.

 

It's hard not to get excited when you have finally found someone you click with. It's a learned skill.

 

 

I think it's healthy to feel excited about someone you started seeing, but ppl don't always move at the same pace. I don't think it is healthy to need someone you just started seeing to feel "ok". That is desperation and easy to smell.

 

 

Anyway, no_go. I will keep my mouth shut about this from now on. You know I think you should kick him to the curb I could be completely wrong about all this and hope I am. I'm gonna keep up with your thread, though. I really hope it works out for you

Edited August 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

No kicking him anywhere, but I won't wait for him in desperation. I wasted too much time thinking about him so I need to catch up with work and responsibilities. Dating can wait right now. If he comes back and have a good/believable story to tell, I'll welcome him back, but will define terms before investing further.

[SunnyWeather]

No kicking him anywhere, but I won't wait for him in desperation. I wasted too much time thinking about him so I need to catch up with work and responsibilities. Dating can wait right now. If he comes back and have a good/believable story to tell, I'll welcome him back, but will define terms before investing further.

 

 

weak.

 

If I were you, I'd block him and move on. The longer you waste time on this bozo the less likely you will make room for someone more suitable.

 

good luck

[No_Go]

Weak or not, I just can't be an a**hole to him - he didn't do anything malicious. He's a great person, which doesn't mean I won't meet another great person - but not right now:)

[Gaeta]

Weak or not, I just can't be an a**hole to him - he didn't do anything malicious. He's a great person, which doesn't mean I won't meet another great person - but not right now:)

 

What do you call ignoring you 3 times if not more?