Gaeta Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 Let say it is what it is, I can't back off at that stage, it will be rude plus leaves 'what ifs'. But: 1) I'm extremely nervous - it is like taming a wild horse that is ready to run away... I need to conceal my anxiety - any tips how to do it?? 2) He's like a scared deer - any tips how to make it less painful for him?? I'm deep in the mud right now, but I guess with some good strategy I won't lose face haha. No expectations besides to survive the night for those who wonder:) I understand it has become a challenge for you and you get all the thrill and enjoy the drama of 'taming' this man. My question is are you up to having a relationship with such a man? The type of man that never tells you what's wrong, never expresses his likes and dislikes, a man that bottles up instead of opening up, a man that chooses silence instead of sharing and a man that 'runs away' like a scared deer instead of facing head on situations at hand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 I understand it has become a challenge for you and you get all the thrill and enjoy the drama of 'taming' this man. My question is are you up to having a relationship with such a man? The type of man that never tells you what's wrong, never expresses his likes and dislikes, a man that bottles up instead of opening up, a man that chooses silence instead of sharing and a man that 'runs away' like a scared deer instead of facing head on situations at hand. I have assumed any attraction (of the OP to this guy) left is long gone given what the guy has done (or not done). His acting passive, rude and childish would make the blood of the majority of women boil. Chances are, though, he may not realize how unacceptable his behavior is. I know someone exactly like him, and had to demote him from a casual friend to an acquaintance; just can't stand him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 (edited) @June: I've dealt with much worse in my non-romantic life working with people in the same field I used to cover up a coworker all the time because when he is stressed he will just stop responding to vendors and collaborators and occasionally disappear for few days! I was young and shocked back then and then realized - it is a personality type like any other. I admit I'm still attracted although I don't think we are going to be a good match considering what I want in life. @Gaeta: that's a bit of exaggeration, we don't know enough to judge him so harshly. But yeah, he's probably not a relationship material (as he said himself in his profile), which is ok. I don't think he mislead me intentionally. He's his own scared animal, and indeed so am I Lots of history behind that I don't plan to reveal to him nor expect him to reveal his history at the time being. Now - help me to get through tomorrow!! How to conceal my anxiety and cool down his nervousness? Edited August 30, 2017 by No_Go Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted August 30, 2017 Share Posted August 30, 2017 But yeah, he's probably not a relationship material (as he said himself in his profile), which is ok. Curious, No_Go, if you want a relationship, why was that okay with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 30, 2017 Author Share Posted August 30, 2017 Curious, No_Go, if you want a relationship, why was that okay with you? Some things are hard to explain:) - something subconscious. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Curious, No_Go, if you want a relationship, why was that okay with you? Because she doesn't actually want a relationship. Seeking to continue with someone who clearly is not wanting a relationship is her form of emotional unavailability. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Because she doesn't actually want a relationship. Seeking to continue with someone who clearly is not wanting a relationship is her form of emotional unavailability. I want one - seriously. Not so sure that I want it right now but ultimately I want one. But I'm not that desperate to put it as my main criteria of selection of mates - I tried that before and I was pretty miserable . It was my baby instinct kicking - then I though - egg freezing works wonders Is it contradictory? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I want one - seriously. Not so sure that I want it right now but ultimately I want one. But I'm not that desperate to put it as my main criteria of selection of mates - I tried that before and I was pretty miserable . It was my baby instinct kicking - then I though - egg freezing works wonders Is it contradictory? Well yes it's contradictory. You want a mate but not the relationship that comes with it. Mate definition:Partner, life partner, husband, wife, spouse, lover, live-in lover, significant other, companion. Mate = relationship Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I personally think the OP deserves someone much better. On the other hand, we should really give her some slack. Since the OP was super attracted to the guy, I understand why she needed to see him one last time to get some form of closure. It's also good timing to do this, as they will be apart for almost a month right after the meeting this evening. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I want one - seriously. Not so sure that I want it right now but ultimately I want one. But I'm not that desperate to put it as my main criteria of selection of mates - I tried that before and I was pretty miserable . It was my baby instinct kicking - then I though - egg freezing works wonders Is it contradictory? Y'know....I still hope things work out for you, but sometimes it sounds like you are treating him(and defending his actions), like a doting mother would with a little boy who is acting out or is socially inept... But hey, If that floats your boat, then who is anyone to say *shrug*?? TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I want one - seriously. Not so sure that I want it right now but ultimately I want one. But I'm not that desperate to put it as my main criteria of selection of mates - I tried that before and I was pretty miserable . It was my baby instinct kicking - then I though - egg freezing works wonders Is it contradictory? I would much, much rather be with someone who I'm attracted to and whose company I enjoy. Being with men that wanted relationships but I felt "meh" about made me so unhappy. I could be in a relationship with a decent guy tomorrow if those were my standards. It's actually really hard to find both. I'm sure NG woild be over the moon if this guy ended up wanting a relationship. IMHO the true sign of emotional unavailability is if you change feelings about someone you have previousluly liked when they wanted to get serious. Otherwise it's just called having standards. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Y'know....I still hope things work out for you, but sometimes it sounds like you are treating him(and defending his actions), like a doting mother would with a little boy who is acting out or is socially inept... But hey, If that floats your boat, then who is anyone to say *shrug*?? TFY But that's exactly the reality when this type of guys get into a relationship with a woman who has her $hit together. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I call it infatuation. No_go needs to emotionally grow and learn to identify what it is she is experiencing and needs to put words on it. She needs to reflects on what is actually attraction compared to infatuation, what is real compatibility and what is wishful thinking from an infatuated woman. I would rather wait and be with the *right* man for me and experience a *real* relationship than be forever chasing some unavailable god, hoping he'll throw some crumbs at me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 But that's exactly the reality when this type of guys get into a relationship with a woman who has her $hit together. God help us.... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Well yes it's contradictory. You want a mate but not the relationship that comes with it. Mate definition:Partner, life partner, husband, wife, spouse, lover, live-in lover, significant other, companion. Mate = relationship So at the very moment I want 'companion, lover' from your list. Maybe I'm 6 months or an year it will be 'life partner, husband' but right now is not. But it is still a need to get a mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 But that's exactly the reality when this type of guys get into a relationship with a woman who has her $hit together. Well he's not unemployed loser, he's just chasing this dreams. And I just traded mine for better salary and a house... But none of us is immature. Or are we ? Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 OP, are you open to just having a fling with this guy? I think you already know he isn't relationship material. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 I call it infatuation. No_go needs to emotionally grow and learn to identify what it is she is experiencing and needs to put words on it. She needs to reflects on what is actually attraction compared to infatuation, what is real compatibility and what is wishful thinking from an infatuated woman. I would rather wait and be with the *right* man for me and experience a *real* relationship than be forever chasing some unavailable god, hoping he'll throw some crumbs at me. I tried Gaeta. I dated my ex for near 2 years with the mission to settle down, marry and start a family. He was serious about it. 8 weeks in and I met his extended family. 8 months in and we were living together. 18 months in and he was putting it 'engagement now or never'. He was on agenda and it was awful. Oh - he was also browsing dating sites - if the agenda with me fails. Btw all bad aside - he was high earner, educated, smart, professional, easy to live with, taking care of our home, committal. And I was still miserable. The current story is different. There is no agenda. Maybe no resolution on sight. A bit of infatuation, yes. But where you see immaturity? We don't engage in risky behavior. I'm not chasing him. He's not using me. If he leaves I'll live. Ehst would you define as *right* man or real relationship? I just don't know what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 OP, are you open to just having a fling with this guy? I think you already know he isn't relationship material. If you mean FWB - no. Link to post Share on other sites
greymatter Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I personally think the OP deserves someone much better. On the other hand, we should really give her some slack. Since the OP was super attracted to the guy, I understand why she needed to see him one last time to get some form of closure. It's also good timing to do this, as they will be apart for almost a month right after the meeting this evening. I hear what you are saying June. NG, it may not have come through in my posts but I want the best for you also and I don't think the guy has the same goals but I understand you are attracted. Actually I think you'll be grateful later on that it didn't work out with him, if it keeps not working. I have dated some people who I really, really wanted it to work out with at the time, and can see clearly now that I am not emotionally invested that it's a good thing we are not together. It's hard to see that when you are in it. Just wanted to say that I'm conpletely empathetic. You are learning along the way just like I have been. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Well he's not unemployed loser, he's just chasing this dreams. And I just traded mine for better salary and a house... But none of us is immature. Or are we ? Maybe he's "gilding the lilly" with you about his path in life at this point??.....How much do you really know about him? The reality is that he's in his 30's, likely broke, and sharing an apartment, right?.... I'm learning a lot of things about relationships and how women view men with this thread...I always thought a guy like this...(meek, indecisive, weak willed, low drive, low enthusiasm, low career trajectory, etc) would be near the bottom of the list in terms of desirability, right above convicted felons... TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 Well he's not unemployed loser, he's just chasing this dreams. And I just traded mine for better salary and a house... But none of us is immature. Or are we ? I think you have totally misunderstood me. I also admire a struggling painter, struggling actor, struggling scientist, or struggling whatever making the minimum wage in order to chase his dream. But this guy is acting like a peter pan, no offense. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author No_Go Posted August 31, 2017 Author Share Posted August 31, 2017 Nah, he was completely open and honest about where he stands, and more importantly - why. His career path is something that I understand because I spend a long time going through the same path... Just got greedy, impatient and bailed His living situation... I'd be more concerned if he was living in a mansion to show off and cranking up credit card debt. This will be the guy next to convicted fellons on my list . Plus I own my home so I don't really care - we can always date, if not later live, in my house, so who cares where he lives now. I secretly hope whoever I end up with in long term will be willing to move in in my house because I put so much sweat and effort in it that I don't want to get into someone else's home in the future. In my profile I said financial stability, no debt etc is important to me. It is - except in circumstances like his, that are actually justified. I'm sure though he read it and is on the fence because he may think your way... Maybe he's "gilding the lilly" with you about his path in life at this point??.....How much do you really know about him? The reality is that he's in his 30's, likely broke, and sharing an apartment, right?.... I'm learning a lot of things about relationships and how women view men with this thread...I always thought a guy like this...(meek, indecisive, weak willed, low drive, low enthusiasm, low career trajectory, etc) would be near the bottom of the list in terms of desirability, right above convicted felons... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 I think you have totally misunderstood me. I also admire a struggling painter, struggling actor, struggling scientist, or struggling whatever making the minimum wage in order to chase his dream. But this guy is acting like a peter pan, no offense. I am sorry I might be biased, because I know someone exactly like him. That guy I know got a million of degrees and went on to become a perpetual postdoc, not because he's particularly bright or because he's chasing his dream, but because he has/had no other options. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2017 Share Posted August 31, 2017 The current story is different. There is no agenda. Maybe no resolution on sight. A bit of infatuation, yes. But where you see immaturity? We don't engage in risky behavior. I'm not chasing him. He's not using me. If he leaves I'll live. Ehst would you define as *right* man or real relationship? I just don't know what you mean. Of course you don't engage in risky behavior, you'd have to actually spend time together for that Right man or real relationship means a mutually fulfilling relationship. Right now he's fulfilled and you're in constant craving mode. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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