Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

Does it count that I'm very excited he's getting back? I'm absolutely never going to ask for anything beyond friendship, but I admit I'm super curious about what happened (not saying I will ask) and also I'm very much looking forward to go to nature together again.

 

So L, I can't really answer to your question even for myself. Only thing I know is that my brain is firing up when I think about it.

 

I feel like things will calm down if we meet as friends, kind of to seal the deal in that respect - but I feel silly to initiate. He didn't respond my last message (confirming friendship) but keep popping up as visitor in profiles of mine...

 

NG, you don't have to answer this to me, but ask yourself very very honestly and look for an answer within - are you 100% sure you don't want to meet him hoping that he'll change his mind?

 

In other cases I'd say go for it, if there never was anything physical between two people, they still have a possibility to build a solid friendship, but in your case... You were massively infatuated with this guy and I think you're lying to yourself. You might be in for a wild ride or this "friendship" will prevent you from truly moving on with your dating life.

[Cookiesandough]

It's a really bad idea to be friends. I think this is how your male orbiters mindsets are. It's a way to keep someone you have feelings for in your life somehow and deep down there is some hope. That you can't answer Lorenza question says a lot.

 

Do you have an activity planned for when he returns? Do you know if his offer was genuine or it was to"soften the blow?" I just believe if he genuinely wants friendship the onus is on him to get that ball rolling. But like I said, I'm almost certain it's not a good idea. It may even keep you from giving 100% to a new guy.

Edited September 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Yeah you're right. I can't get away from my nagging intuition that this is not finished. I'm thinking in person friendly meeting will kill this but it could backfire of course.

 

This person is so unclear that it hurts. It could be 'softening the blow' strategy but he keep on 'stalking' me - wth if he wants nothing to do with me? Or maybe he wants to work together ? That's the last option we haven't explored.

 

No specific plans - which btw was alllllways that way when we were dating as well. He'd never commit to specific location/time unless I ask 1000 times and then select it for him. Arggghhh ... I want to reach out asap to put this to rest but I'm so uncomfortable that he may misinterpret it. I'd NEVER initiate anything beyond friendship of course if that's what he wants, so I don't get why all the games.

 

It's a really bad idea to be friends. I think this is how your male orbiters mindsets are. It's a way to keep someone you have feelings for in your life somehow and deep down there is some hope. That you can't answer Lorenza question says a lot.

 

Do you have an activity planned for when he returns? Do you know if his offer was genuine or it was to"soften the blow?" I just believe if he genuinely wants friendship the onus is on him to get that ball rolling. But like I said, I'm almost certain it's not a good idea. It may even keep you from giving 100% to a new guy.

[Gaeta]

When is he coming back? (I need to put this in my agenda.)

[No_Go]

When is he coming back? (I need to put this in my agenda.)

 

Tonight......

[Cookiesandough]

Perhaps you should finish it. This guy seems to have issues. He has admitted that he needs massages before he can even go to a date. He has also been single for a long time and is comfortable being single. Perhaps you feel like you can change his mind or be there when he does? Or perhaps just be two singles together. But he remains on a dating site. I don't know. I just think he's got issues and he's seeking an elusive something that may not even exist. You should leave him behind

[No_Go]

Or perhaps just be two singles together - I guess that's where this is headed to

 

I think he craves closeness but when it gets real he has the urge to run away. That's why the extremely contradicting behavior (like being on dating sites with opening sentence that he likes being single )

 

After him I just completely lost interest in dating. I'm scrolling my dating profiles but it only makes me laugh. Not because I'm waiting for him, I'm not, just because dating feels like going through motions. Perhaps Ill stay single for a long while or just partner with one of my orbiters and call it a day - at least I know them and I don't need to go through the pain to meet people .

 

But back to my friend: I need to seal the friendship if we'll have that. But I'm super annoyed to reach out first - he can't fail me as a platonic friend... or can he??

 

Perhaps you should finish it. This guy seems to have issues. He has admitted that he needs massages before he can even go to a date. He has also been single for a long time and is comfortable being single. Perhaps you feel like you can change his mind or be there when he does? Or perhaps just be two singles together. But he remains on a dating site. I don't know. I just think he's got issues and he's seeking an elusive something that may not even exist. You should leave him behind

[Lorenza]

Friendship is when you can reach out whenever you want, write whatever you think, not feel anxious if you haven't talked for some time and then reconnect as if nothing. It's when you can't imagine being anything else and you don't wonder about their intentions.

 

Oh and you definitely don't need to "seal the deal", it should feel natural.

 

I get an impression that you just want to see him again and keep hoping that spending more time with you will help him realize that you two should be together.

 

But he doesn't sound like a good partner. Neither a good friend. What can he bring into your life besides for chaos?

[No_Go]

You are absolutely right about the bolded. He never responded to my friendship confirmation, that's what I wanted to seal.

 

What does he bring? Someone that I can talk to about old hobbies and old pursuits that I've abandoned years ago but now I am in a position to rekindle. He's like a mirror image of me in my past. Literally going through the same ordeals that kept me alive and kicking in the past... So in that sense, he could be a great friend, if he allows that to happen of course. We don't need to go beyond platonic, I anyway lost interest at the moment of having anything beyond platonic with anyone... I guess I'm getting old and tired and have my life set in a way that I just can't let someone flex.

 

Friendship is when you can reach out whenever you want, write whatever you think, not feel anxious if you haven't talked for some time and then reconnect as if nothing. It's when you can't imagine being anything else and you don't wonder about their intentions.

 

Oh and you definitely don't need to "seal the deal", it should feel natural.

 

I get an impression that you just want to see him again and keep hoping that spending more time with you will help him realize that you two should be together.

 

But he doesn't sound like a good partner. Neither a good friend. What can he bring into your life besides for chaos?

[SwordofFlame]

He already sounds like one of those friends who you'll have to push and prod if you want them to hang out with you. Are you prepared to be the friend that will always have to initiate and make plans with him?

[No_Go]

Eh I've been on the reverse side for so long that I guess it's karma

 

He already sounds like one of those friends who you'll have to push and prod if you want them to hang out with you. Are you prepared to be the friend that will always have to initiate and make plans with him?

[Cookiesandough]

[...]

After him I just completely lost interest in dating. I'm scrolling my dating profiles but it only makes me laugh. Not because I'm waiting for him, I'm not, just because dating feels like going through motions. Perhaps Ill stay single for a long while or just partner with one of my orbiters and call it a day - at least I know them and I don't need to go through the pain to meet people .

 

 

 

 

[...]I anyway lost interest at the moment of having anything beyond platonic with anyone... I guess I'm getting old and tired and have my life set in a way that I just can't let someone flex.

This is largely because of him and this whole situation. You emotionally invested so much. Months and pages and pages of investment. And still. This wasn't a relationship in the formal sense, but it should be treated in similar way as one because of all the feelings involved. Cut him off. No contact. You were excited about dating before. Now you are destined to live your life alone? Just no! Take some time and space from this -- and him.

[No_Go]

Do you think so? I'm doubting my own thoughts. Looking at the starting post of my previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629702-old-beginnings-selection-process, I was meh about dating even before meeting him...

 

For no contact and/or blocking... I never managed to sustain it even with abusive exes. I've always left friendship door - somehow I feel responsible for their well being?! So I don't think I can do it.

 

This is largely because of him and this whole situation. You emotionally invested so much. Months and pages and pages of investment. And still. This wasn't a relationship in the formal sense, but it should be treated in similar way as one because of all the feelings involved. Cut him off. No contact. You were excited about dating before. Now you are destined to live your life alone? Just no! Take some time and space from this -- and him.

[Cookiesandough]

'Excited' was probably poor choice of word But you were ready to take the bull by its horns. You were seeing some potential. See here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629702-old-beginnings-selection-process-3.html#post7370510

 

I remember you finding 4 guys or so you could see something with. It was a matter of narrowing it down.

 

 

This is probably a terrible question to ask, but just out of curiosity, which guy here is the topic of this thread?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629702-old-beginnings-selection-process-3.html#post7370353

Edited September 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Yeah - he was guy N 2 :lmao:

 

I actually met guy N 1 over coffee but I was already completely shut down after meeting guy 2 - I barely remember how guy 1 looked like, I probably never even attempted eye contact because I was already fully focused on guy 2. Cancelled on guy 3 for that reason. Guy 4 ... just didn't respond to his last message because i completely lost interest.

 

I don't know cookies, I was 100% sure from the moment I've seen guy 2 (the guy of this thread)... My other thread reflects that. Too bad he wasn't sure, but as of now - god, can't we really be platonic friends without pulling teeth at very least...

 

'Excited' was probably poor choice of word But you were ready to take the bull by its horns. You were seeing some potential. See here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629702-old-beginnings-selection-process-3.html#post7370510

 

I remember you finding 4 guys or so you could see something with. It was a matter of narrowing it down.

 

 

This is probably a terrible question to ask, but just out of curiosity, which guy here is the topic of this thread?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/629702-old-beginnings-selection-process-3.html#post7370353

[Gaeta]

No_go: You remind me of a moth that's attracted toward a bright light. They feel attraction, they don't know why, it's burning them each time they approach but they don't care, they will just obey to that attraction till it kills them.

[No_Go]

No_go: You remind me of a moth that's attracted toward a bright light. They feel attraction, they don't know why, it's burning them each time they approach but they don't care, they will just obey to that attraction till it kills them.

 

Cool analogy G- except I've been extremely flat emotionally in the past decade or so (except the discussed story and 1-2 exceptions). I'm pretty much overly rational - keep xsl spreadsheets of everything :/ Here I just think I'm losing my mind - maybe something hormonal or aging... But seriously I'm good if we're friends only for good - just not this extremely anticlimactic unfinished ending.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah - he was guy N 2 :lmao:

 

I actually met guy N 1 over coffee but I was already completely shut down after meeting guy 2 - I barely remember how guy 1 looked like, I probably never even attempted eye contact because I was already fully focused on guy 2. Cancelled on guy 3 for that reason. Guy 4 ... just didn't respond to his last message because i completely lost interest.

 

I don't know cookies, I was 100% sure from the moment I've seen guy 2 (the guy of this thread)... My other thread reflects that. Too bad he wasn't sure, but as of now - god, can't we really be platonic friends without pulling teeth at very least...

That's not at all unusual. Especially for women who are accustomed not to multidating. I don't think this guy is special. It's just tunnel vision that occurs. All eggs get put into the basket of the first guy who ticks the right boxes, shunning the rest. The mind fills in the gaps with all positives and artificially props up 'Guy 1' while downplaying the rest.I think it's a psychological mechanism, probably with genetic roots for evolutionary purposes( I'm a materialist, so I always pin things back to that). Monogamy and mate choice dahdahdah.

 

If you look at Dis's thread she does the same thing. She absolutely couldn't multidate after she found a guy she liked enough even though that was the topic of her thread I think that's what happened here. I really do. I think if you close this chapter, take a bit of time off, or even go back and start talking to guys in the meantime, you will slowly begin to forget this man and your 'heart' will start clearing so that you can see the appeal of another man.

 

I fear being friends(if that even will happen and for however long it goes on ) will halt this mending process. You wanted a life partner. This guy is not a match for you. Leave him.

Edited September 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

You're right I absolutely can't multi-date - but it's not the tunnel vision - it's a feeling of extreme guilt. I don't know where is this coming from - some moral code that I have in my head from ever since I can remember.

 

But seriously with this guy it wasn't typical. The click was instant in the second I spotted him - i didn't even had the time to focus to see what he looked like - I had 'Game Over' flag in my head. While I was sitting there in shock, he approached me with his first message.

 

Anyway, I recently attempted answering two guys and felt so meh (although both were extremely thoughful in their messages - that's what I'm mostly looking for) - that I never managed to force myself to follow up let alone agree on a date.

 

I guess it's sad because I have made space for life with a partner: I have their dresser empty, a kid room furnished and what not. I guess I'm extreme over-planner :lmao: I enjoy being alone to be happy enough that way as well. And I can't take another uninspiring relationship as with my ex. It just left me so deflated I've thrived being single after him.

 

But back to this guy - I promise I'd be fine with one friendship meeting. It is more to evaluate the current - and prove to myself it is a bad idea haha

Edited September 27, 2017 by No_Go

[Cookiesandough]

I understand the guilt..but I think you do get tunnel vis as well and I tthink you are still in the tunnel with this guy. I think you are very hard-wired for monogamy and you don't distribute your feelings. You're in or out:.

 

I have noticed that when I like someone and there is a smidgeon of possibility, I can't detach(my ex cough cough). . The only way to move on would be to put it to rest myself. If the doors just a little bit open it's hard. .

 

Anyway! Regardless of all that, I know you will feel excited about someone again and I don't believe it will take years if you are open to it x

[No_Go]

With the risk to sound pathetic - the guy that I felt similarly about in 2008/2009 stayed on my mind up to... Maybe 2015? I didn't even laugh about looking at another guy up to 2012. We never had anything beyond platonic with him. So my future is doomed unless I take action........ Maybe after meeting him things will quench?

 

Btw I admire you for making efforts to getting over with your ex... It is hard... Are you friends or in NC now?

 

I understand the guilt..but I think you do get tunnel vis as well and I tthink you are still in the tunnel with this guy. I think you are very hard-wired for monogamy and you don't distribute your feelings. You're in or out:.

 

I have noticed that when I like someone and there is a smidgeon of possibility, I can't detach(my ex cough cough). . The only way to move on would be to put it to rest myself. If the doors just a little bit open it's hard. .

 

Anyway! Regardless of all that, I know you will feel excited about someone again and I don't believe it will take years if you are open to it x

[Cookiesandough]

With the risk to sound pathetic - the guy that I felt similarly about in 2008/2009 stayed on my mind up to... Maybe 2015? I didn't even laugh about looking at another guy up to 2012. We never had anything beyond platonic with him. So my future is doomed unless I take action........ Maybe after meeting him things will quench?

 

Btw I admire you for making efforts to getting over with your ex... It is hard... Are you friends or in NC now?

 

Thanks NG �� I get a lot of flack for my behavior on here and I guess some is deserved. I actually have a date tonight I have a bad feeling about. No ones ever under any illusion about me, though. I lay it all out there and never lead anyone on so they are free to run.

 

I tried to reach out to my ex last week and he stonewalled me. But I swear I have not given up hope of communication and we will be together some day. Like even if it takes us both failed marriages. Wanna talk about pathetic.

 

Do you see any common denominator's with these guys? Are they both really established and passionate in the careers? Also, how long did you stay friends with last guy(are you still)?

Edited September 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

Don't get the negative feedback here personal C, take it just as people presenting viewpoints based on their own experience and understanding.

 

Your ex's reaction is terrible - stonewalling makes me personally only more motivated to continue. I see why you're so attached - this is a nasty passive aggressive trigger.

 

 

Do you see any common denominator's with these guys? Are they both really established and passionate in the careers? Also, how long did you stay friends with last guy(are you still)?

Yeah! They're the same guy reborn Same eyes. Met them is same age (~35 at the time of meet for each of them). Both physicists. both scattered-brained, melancholic, very passionate about their jobs but unable to move forward in their careers. Both basically broke by choice (I'm not attracted to this - just come both times in the picture). Both big dreamers, low in action. I can go on and on.

 

The other guy: we remotely work together so we talk 2-3 times per year. Chemistry never died out completely. But in the meanwhile, he divorced, remarried, had 2 kids, now divorcing again... He's not waiting in suspense :lmao:

 

Thanks NG �� I get a lot of flack for my behavior on here and I guess some is deserved. I actually have a date tonight I have a bad feeling about. No ones ever under any illusion about me, though. I lay it all out there and never lead anyone on so they are free to run.

 

I tried to reach out to my ex last week and he stonewalled me. But I swear I have not given up hope of communication and we will be together some day. Like even if it takes us both failed marriages. Wanna talk about pathetic.

 

Do you see any common denominator's with these guys? Are they both really established and passionate in the careers? Also, how long did you stay friends with last guy(are you still)?

[JuneL]

For no contact and/or blocking... I never managed to sustain it even with abusive exes. I've always left friendship door - somehow I feel responsible for their well being?!

 

I see the above as one of the core issues for your dating life. If you recall, I stated a few pages back that you seem to gravitate toward those guys who need you to act like a doting mother in some vital aspect of life.

[JuneL]

 

Both big dreamers, low in action.

[\QUOTE]

 

I'm all for dreaming big, as long as it's backed up by action. I still can't comprehend how you can stand someone like him.