Quenching the fire?

[No_Go]

Glad to hear you had a good time. Interested in your further reflections on this. Seems very non-conformational but who's to say that's bad.

 

I don't know girl. The whole experience was very interesting, including the fact that he, this extremely non-commital person, selected the location for the next meet before ending the hike today. Also reminding me things from his dating profile (which is kind of awkward since we're not dating now??), and telling me very specific details about our previous meets.

 

I'm not getting what's the deal here. It's not shyness - the whole dancing episode confirmed it to me. It's not lack of respect - he shared details about his recent life and asked for my opinion. It's not that he wants to move: he told me precisely his plans for the next year(s). It's not that he's dating someone- he implied he's not. And I think it is a bit too much for a platonic friendship - I mean the things we share with each other. He steered away from work discussions, which I usually use for neutral conversation with platonic friends.

 

I'm just confused. What is your impression? I think he is similar to you in a way.

[JuneL]

He has given me a Peter Pan vibe since a while back; now, I'm seriously detecting a gay vibe as well. Maybe you see this as something sweet or romantic. I don't know, but this dancing thingy would have totally creeped me out.

 

For those who wonder how the platonic part of the experience continued...

This was he loveliest morning in the recent history We ventured a new path in the woods that we have both never been at, besides how close it is to us. I was wondering what to expect, but after we hugged for welcome and it was all of a sudden all normal and natural, the same vibe that I have with very old friends. We played with random dogs, watched birds and fish (no insect mating this time ), discussed our recent trips and somehow conversation spins towards dancing. I'm a layman in this field so to speak. In a certain point he tells me how easy it is, takes my hand and a second later he is spinning me around. I was for a moment in shock that I lost control over my own body, but it was fun, I'm definitely very intrigued with his dancing skills. Parted ways down some random road and I'm cooling off from all the sun now.

I swear that's the most non-conformational interpersonal experience in my existence but well - no regrets. I need to collect my thoughts a bit:)

[No_Go]

:lmao: Why gay vibe June? He's very articulate in his gestures but besides that I don't feel the gay vibe and I have several gay guy friends so I'm kind of familiar...

 

For the dancing, it's a hobby of his. He was basically demonstrating how easy is to follow the dance if the lead is good. That's what i got from it.

 

He has given me a Peter Pan vibe since a while back; now, I'm seriously detecting a gay vibe as well. I don't know, this dancing thingy would have totally creeped me out.

[Miss Spider]

You did not just say I kind of remind you of Peter Pan guy!!!!! That's just cruel. No, I am just as confused. It's funny what June said. He comes off super odd by your description . No music, just grabs you and starts to dance? Wut

[No_Go]

In a good way Cookie I mean you're kind of push-pull with some of your guys, I mean mainly the next-year guy. And Peter Pan is cool so its a compliment

 

No no, I'm bad at descriptions. It was just to explain me how something works. My shock is because this was our first hand grab .. Is that the 'first base' or subfirst base?

 

You did not just say I kind of remind you of Peter Pan guy!!!!! That's just cruel. No, I am just as confused. It's funny what June said. He comes off super odd by your description . No music, just grabs you and starts to dance? Wut

[No_Go]

Ok, so my idea is to go dancing with him if he lets me. Not immediately, a couple of weeks from now maybe. I want to see what the heck it is about, how good he is in his body control, and what kind of people are in there (this is a group thing). But how to ask him without violating the platonicity and without appearing like being a creepy lady stealing his hobby ideas?

[NuevoYorko]

Asexual, or gay. I don't believe that any man who was interested in a sexual relationship with a woman (any woman) would be spending his time this way with a woman.

[Miss Spider]

Asexual, or gay. I don't believe that any man who was interested in a sexual relationship with a woman (any woman) would be spending his time this way with a woman.

 

They're supposed to be friends now. That was the agreement

[No_Go]

Asexual, or gay. I don't believe that any man who was interested in a sexual relationship with a woman (any woman) would be spending his time this way with a woman.

 

As Cookies said this is part of what we agreed on. Otherwise I would have taken his clothes off and we'd have had some outdoors sex right there and then on the grass. Just kidding of course .

[NuevoYorko]

As Cookies said this is part of what we agreed on.

I got that, but you said you feel that it's more than platonic friends.

 

I may have missed it, but do you know why he is not dating anyone? Why is he available to spend time like this with a woman he met on a dating site?

 

Does it matter to you at all whether he is gay or asexual?

 

I better go back and make sure I have not missed something in this thread. I just have the strong impression that you have a giant crush on a guy who is not interested in or available for a relationship with any woman - if he were, and the woman is not you, he'd be dating, looking.

 

I do believe that men and women can be friends, but note the title of your thread and even what you just jokingly posted about outdoors sex. Not pure friendship.

[Springsummer]

Or perhaps just be two singles together - I guess that's where this is headed to

 

I think he craves closeness but when it gets real he has the urge to run away. That's why the extremely contradicting behavior (like being on dating sites with opening sentence that he likes being single )

?

 

um...seems like me...I afraid of getting close to anyone and being close to someone is unnatural to me. yet, in my mind, I do long for closeness with someone. I know to why either.

[No_Go]

He could be dating someone, not to my knowledge though. He asked me to pick time so I guess he's pretty open on the weekends, otherwise I'd have come to your conclusion.

 

If he's gay (I doubt it) or asexual - obviously it doesn't affect the platonic friendship, which is what we have now.

 

I've had a giant crush initially but since he said he wants to keep it platonic - I' going with that. We have a lot in common for platonic friendship and I'm learning things from him which I like.

 

Is he not available for any woman? This will be strange, otherwise why would he be on a dating site? I assume he is just taking it very slow if he's looking for something specific. I guess he was in a kind of an awkward spot job wise but now he shared things are progressing well for him, and he's extending his contract.

 

We've never been physical, that's why I thought friendship is ok. Yep, I've had a crush on him but I'm taking very seriously his wills and wishes and so far - he asked to be friends only, so I'm doing exactly what he asked for (and that's why my surprise there was some physical contact today - there was non when we were trying to date).

 

I got that, but you said you feel that it's more than platonic friends.

 

I may have missed it, but do you know why he is not dating anyone? Why is he available to spend time like this with a woman he met on a dating site?

 

Does it matter to you at all whether he is gay or asexual?

 

I better go back and make sure I have not missed something in this thread. I just have the strong impression that you have a giant crush on a guy who is not interested in or available for a relationship with any woman - if he were, and the woman is not you, he'd be dating, looking.

 

I do believe that men and women can be friends, but note the title of your thread and even what you just jokingly posted about outdoors sex. Not pure friendship.

[No_Go]

um...seems like me...I afraid of getting close to anyone and being close to someone is unnatural to me. yet, in my mind, I do long for closeness with someone. I know to why either.

 

Spring, what would make you feel more natural around someone? Do you have close friends and/or relationship partner that you feel natural with & close in the same time?

[JuneL]

 

We've never been physical, that's why I thought friendship is ok. Yep, I've had a crush on him but I'm taking very seriously his wills and wishes and so far - he asked to be friends only, so I'm doing exactly what he asked for (and that's why my surprise there was some physical contact today - there was non when we were trying to date).

 

Do you still remember that little cutie boy holding your hand in grade 1? My gut feeling is that your guy feels comfortable with physical touch only when it's not romantic or sexual. Go figure...

Edited October 22, 2017 by JuneL

[lana-banana]

Didn't he specifically say he believes you are "not a romantic match"? Not just that he wants to be friends, but that he doesn't think you're a good fit romantically? It's not clear what's going on here but it's not romantic in his mind, and you could end up really hurting if you expect more.

[JuneL]

Ok, so my idea is to go dancing with him if he lets me. Not immediately, a couple of weeks from now maybe. I want to see what the heck it is about, how good he is in his body control, and what kind of people are in there (this is a group thing). But how to ask him without violating the platonicity and without appearing like being a creepy lady stealing his hobby ideas?

 

I tried hard to think that you only wanted to know why he didn't pursue you romantically, but it's pretty obvious you're a little too obsessed. Would you be as obsessed about another platonic friend?

[No_Go]

Do you still remember that little cutie boy holding your hand in grade 1? My gut feeling is that your guy feels comfortable with physical touch only when it's not romantic or sexual. Go figure...

 

This could very well be. I’ve had stages like this myself in the past. I’m the last person to judge here: had my first kiss etc at 27 just because the guy didn’t leave me a chance to run away.

[No_Go]

Didn't he specifically say he believes you are "not a romantic match"? Not just that he wants to be friends, but that he doesn't think you're a good fit romantically? It's not clear what's going on here but it's not romantic in his mind, and you could end up really hurting if you expect more.

 

No - I can pull you on PM the exact wording but he never used the word romantic. Something in lines we are not a fit for something serious. I know he’s using a very specific language in his descriptions, like safe-made expressions.

 

I don’t see how I could get hurting here - but for sure I’m ending up confused

 

I’ve probably didn’t make it clear enough but in this moment I’m not entirely sure myself what I’m looking for from friendships and dating. I’m only sure that I’m NOT looking for artificial speedy escalation and scripted relationship as with my last ex. I never caught my breath there and ended resenting my ex for that.

[No_Go]

I tried hard to think that you only wanted to know why he didn't pursue you romantically, but it's pretty obvious you're a little too obsessed. Would you be as obsessed about another platonic friend?

 

I’m just interested to understand what drives him? Think collecting information. Plus he was so good at his description that he made me intrigued. Another option is to go checkout the group myself when he’s not there.

[lana-banana]

No - I can pull you on PM the exact wording but he never used the word romantic. Something in lines we are not a fit for something serious.

 

He says you aren't a match. You have to believe him unless he specifically tells you otherwise---which is unlikely to happen until you ask.

 

I know he’s using a very specific language in his descriptions, like safe-made expressions.

 

Not sure what this means, but it sounds like you are trying to justify his reasoning for pushing you away. He explicitly said he doesn't think you are a good match. Don't forget that.

 

I don’t see how I could get hurting here - but for sure I’m ending up confused

 

You are already crazy about this guy, who has told you he doesn't want to date you, and you are desperate to make him want you. You don't think it'll hurt when he has to reject you again?

 

I’ve probably didn’t make it clear enough but in this moment I’m not entirely sure myself what I’m looking for from friendships and dating.

 

This isn't honest. You have said in other recent threads that you are looking for a serious, stable relationship that will lead to children relatively soon (you have emphasized the importance you place on children multiple times). You are only saying this now because you want to convince yourself you're okay with what this guy is offering---namely, some fun and company that never progresses beyond platonic friendship. Many of us have been there and done that. It's fine if you're willing to waste time and don't care about getting hurt, but you are lying to yourself about this being what you really want.

 

I just hate to see you waste your time on a man who has told you he doesn't want to date you. He is fine hanging out with you now because he believes you've accepted being friends, but you are being dishonest with yourself (and him!) with all this scheming to "get to know him better". That's not friendship, that's playing games.

Edited October 22, 2017 by lana-banana

[No_Go]

You’re right that he’d never tell me unless I ask. And I’m ok with that.

 

Read my other thread: besides wanting children I have zero urge to change my lifestyle for a date/mate. Btw for children I’m making my strides to postpone it medically: 99% (1% is due to potential medical counterindication) I’ll freeze eggs in the next year or two. At 32/33 that’s my time left and since I’m not married I’m not taking chances.

 

Playing games - I can only laugh on that. I can (and have spent in the past) a decade easily in a friendship with a huge crush and to never act on it. I’m painfully persistent on things but whatever is agreed on - I follow it to the T. I stayed to my past crush through a divorce, memarriage, and soon to be a second divorce.

 

Specific expressions I mentioned because it is hard to explain (but please take it as is) that not everyone speaks in literal terms. In this case I love his writing style but it has 3 layers of depth in each sentence that on intuitive level are readable but will sent a CBT specialist pulling their hair and crying.

 

He says you aren't a match. You have to believe him unless he specifically tells you otherwise---which is unlikely to happen until you ask.

 

 

 

Not sure what this means, but it sounds like you are trying to justify his reasoning for pushing you away. He explicitly said he doesn't think you are a good match. Don't forget that.

 

 

 

You are already crazy about this guy, who has told you he doesn't want to date you, and you are desperate to make him want you. You don't think it'll hurt when he has to reject you again?

 

 

 

This isn't honest. You have said in other recent threads that you are looking for a serious, stable relationship that will lead to children relatively soon (you have emphasized the importance you place on children multiple times). You are only saying this now because you want to convince yourself you're okay with what this guy is offering---namely, some fun and company that never progresses beyond platonic friendship. Many of us have been there and done that. It's fine if you're willing to waste time and don't care about getting hurt, but you are lying to yourself about this being what you really want.

 

I just hate to see you waste your time on a man who has told you he doesn't want to date you. He is fine hanging out with you now because he believes you've accepted being friends, but you are being dishonest with yourself (and him!) with all this scheming to "get to know him better". That's not friendship, that's playing games.

[JuneL]

I’m just interested to understand what drives him? Think collecting information. Plus he was so good at his description that he made me intrigued. Another option is to go checkout the group myself when he’s not there.

 

When you are curious about something about your platonic friend, don't you just ask instead of playing private detector to find out in a convoluted way?

[JuneL]

This could very well be. I’ve had stages like this myself in the past. I’m the last person to judge here: had my first kiss etc at 27 just because the guy didn’t leave me a chance to run away.

 

I'm not judging him in this aspect. It's just an observation in case you mistake his physical touch as something sexual or romantic.

[No_Go]

Yeah. That's where it should be. I know we're on a shaky ground still, I mean the friendship hasn't solidified enough to ask directly. Or I'm just a coward, could be.

 

 

When you are curious about something about your platonic friend, don't you just ask instead of playing private detector to find out in a convoluted way?

[No_Go]

Ok, got your point.

 

I'm trying to remember my old days when I had this issue but it blurred.

 

I'm not judging him in this aspect. It's just an observation in case you mistake his physical touch as something sexual or romantic.