Need Advice

[southernman]

I need your input. I have been married 20 years and have two kids who are GREAT. The problem is over the last 12 years my wife has had several different episodes of some type of mental illness. She has seen several Doctors and the doctors have called it everything from depression to bi-polar disorder. The problem now is she will not go back to the doctor, she thinks everyone has a problem but her. Her temper gets out of control over the smallest things such as the way a towel is left or she may just remeber something from the past and go off like a rocket. She will leave and we have no way of knowing where she is going. She has just left for a 300 mile beach trip by herself. We tried to stop her but she just went anyway. The biggest problem is that now the kids (17 & 14) are afraid of her and don't want to stay in the house with her. They don't want to go anywhere with her because they are afraid she will do something to embarrasse them. She can have a very mean spirit when she is like that.

We all love her but we can't stand to be around her if that makes sense.

[whichwayisup]

She has no choice here, her moods and obviously depression is getting out of hand, interferring with life and family.

 

She may not be ready to "hear" that she has a very serious problem...Until she can see things won't be better unless she gets help. Try to convince her to talk to someone...And confirm your love for her, tell her it's not HER, it's the depression and negative thoughts that she needs help with. I'm sure her frame of mind is not healthy and she's probably very negative.

 

It's rough and an emotional rollercoaster.

[Sal Paradise]

She's probably cheating on you as well. The beach trip is the perfect way to do it and get away with it.

 

 

I feel bad for people suffering from depression but I feel people are still responsible for their actions regardless. And you don't have to put up with it. Especially considering many times the person suffering refuses to get help. If she won't get help you should leave her.

[thegoodhubbie]

This sounds like a VERY serious problem. It is my humble opinion that you contact a mental health professional and ask him/her what you should do. People who are as mentally ill as it SOUNDS like your poor wife is can be dangerous, and if your kids are afraid of her, that says a lot. They are your primary responsibility and need all the support and reassurance you can give them.

 

Good luck to you.

[New_Wife]

I'm coming from a different perspective & it's taken me all night to compose this post (in my own head - that is). I've got Bipolar2. Basically that means I go through long stretches of depression followed by brief & sometimes destructive mania. Yippe, right? Not really. It's a huge prison to feel so out of control and not know why. I am being medicated for it, but the coctail changes frequently and can have some bizarre side effects as well. Even so, I'm glad for the medical advances that allow me to function normally enough that most folks would never notice.

 

Anyway, if I ever got to a point where my kids were afraid of me, I'd like to be put into inpatient. My husband knows this. He's got a medical power of attorney should the need ever arise, but I'm hoping it never will. It doesn't really sound like she's in a place where she can reasonably make much of any decisions - but when she's not cycling, is she a good mother? If you can think back to a time when she was normal - did she take good care of your family? If yes, I would suggest that you look into some involuntary inpatient options for her.

 

She'll be madder than a wet cat while she's cycling, but if they can get her chemicals adjusted, it's the kindest thing you could do. Good luck to you and your family - you're in my thoughts.

[Mz. Pixie]

New wife is right- it sounds like she's manic depressive. Did you ever see Sally Fields character on ER??? When I read your post that is exactly what went through my mind.

[Jolene]

Bi-polar mood disorder is rarely diagnosed without a dual-diagnosis of a type of personality disorder (i.e. schizophrenia, sociopathic personality, borderline personality, narcissistic personality and so on).

 

The trick is getting a loved one to take the medication. If you can get her to be honest and take the meds, you may have some stability back, but it will always be difficult to live with a bi-polar.

 

My ex husband was diagnosed and would not take the meds. I almost lost my child (not his, thank god) to child welfare because of my exhusband's non-compliance with taking the meds. That was scaaaary! They take it really seriously. I guess my ex was only in the early stages in his early thirties, but man did he want that confrontation. He was manic a lot, and very belligerent and demanding when he wasn't getting what he wanted which was usually sex, money, a new car, attention...whatever! He became violent more than once, and that's when it went from bad to really really bad.

 

I left him. We are divorced. I am glad.

 

You, on the other hand, have had a long life with this woman and two grown children and I perfectly understand your yearning to salvage the relationship.

 

It is very very difficult to have a family doctor fill out a "FORM 1" to have a personal committed. Doctors don't want to be liable later on when everyone is back together and blaming the system for a faulty diagnosis, or so they would wish to claim. A diagnosis is a diagnosis and psychiatrists today know what it's all about. They don't make such a diagnosis without good reason.

 

I am sorry to tell you this, but like in my case, you have a moral obligation to your children to protect them, and that includes their emotional safety and physical safety. Do so or you may find that you get caught up in the system one day, and trust me, it's hard to become free once you've entangled in the web.

 

Good Luck, and I think I've felt a bit of the heartache you have on your plate. It's complicated. You need help. Definitely see your family doctor and have it all down on paper somewhere that you're trying to get help for yourself and your kids. If your wife is in denial, you are in for a big ride.

 

Cheating? What? Perhaps, as it comes with the territory in some types of mania, but if that's all you had to worry about, thank your lucky stars.

[southernman]

To give a little more light to the subject. Yes there were times she was a great mother and I know she still loves the kids deeply. That is one thing she seems to be struggling with is the fact the kids are growing up and have other interest other than hanging out with Dad & Mom.

This time though she has completely quit doing anything for anyone but herself. She don't have a job outside the home and still nothing. I work 10 - 11 hours a day then go home and myself and the kids fix something to eat cleanup the mess while she does whatever.

I guess my question really is how much can the kids take? They are by far my biggest concern. Is it worse to live in this or break it off?

Thanks for everyones input on this please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

[New_Wife]

Southernman,

 

I don't think it has to be all or nothing. If you decide that you can't live like this right now, and ask your wife to please find another place to stay until & unless she is ready to deal with what ails her - that will keep you and the kids safe from the emotional swings. If she realizes what she has to lose, maybe her sphinchter will release the head long enough for her to get help. It can be a really tough thing to admit, because it feels like a character defect to have it. Intellectually, I know I inherited from my mom just as sure as my fine hair and dimples - but emotionally, it feels like I've somehow failed to control my own mind.

 

But while I sympathize with your wife's likely emotions, I do not sympathize with putting the children at risk. This may be one of those situations where some tough love is in order. It's ironic too, because tough love sounds like it's going to be hard on the recipient, but it's nearly always harder on the person delivering it.

 

If it were me, and I went off my meds and made my kids' lives intolerable - I would want myself committed. I know, the paradox there is odd. But normal me would want manic me put away. How's that?