Everything you need to know about moving on

[Altair0770]

Hello folks, been awhile. I've achieved something I never thought I would have. I spent many months here at Loveshack, hitting refresh for some form of hope to get me off my laptop and out of bed, keeping my head held high. I spent many hours in therapy. Missed work to go to my appointments. Not to mention the costs.

 

Now, I have moved on from my ex, and am happily with someone new. Do I still think about my ex? Occasionally, but it could be because she's chasing me as discreetly as possible. I've been told by a few of you that she realizes she made a mistake, but she's too afraid and stubborn to approach that. After all, I'd feel pretty embarrassed and miserable if I decided to let someone like me go, and realized their potential. I do have to say, the chase scene is quite interesting when you're the mouse.

 

I wrote a guide on how to handle a breakup, called "Everything you need to know about exes". It quickly became a very popular thread here. I wrote it to help my fellow Loveshackers going through a depressing time in their life, but I also wrote it to myself. To stick to my guns and accept the process, and ultimately trust it.

 

I am now writing you a guide on not how to get your ex back, but to move on from your ex and live a happily life. Because trust me, the person you're focusing on now after a heartbreaking break-up, will become a minor memory when you're with someone new.

 

Let's begin.

 

The No Contact Rule is the best Method

 

As someone who only thinks about their ex when she's trying to get my attention, I can assure you the No Contact rule works. You will be curious. You'll want to stalk their social media accounts. You'll want to know who they are dating, if they are. You'll want to know if they're starting to feel as miserable and depressed as you do.

 

My first experience with No Contact was a failure. I stalked my exes social media daily to see if she would eventually crumble into depression and tears as I was after she so mercilessly broke my heart. She did. I won't lie, I'd have preferred that much more so than seeing her dating someone new. It led me to believe I had the golden opportunity to come back and win her back, and live happily ever after with the person I so dearly loved. I came back, proved to her I can make her happy. She was crying every single night but then was happy and feeling like herself. Those that know my story knows what happens next. She used me to fix all her problems and started flirting with someone else, and chose that person over me. Jokes on her though, that person wanted nothing to do with her romantically.

 

My point is that it doesn't matter what your ex posts on social media. Social media is quite often a lie. My 2nd no contact, I broke it again in which I decided to peek at her social media to see my progress. I felt rather indifferent, but she didn't post anything sad. In fact she posted a lot less, because she assumed I'd be watching. I guess she was right for that moment. But, the games were already started by that point. Trying to get my attention at any opportunity she could find. She knew the game I was playing, pretending to be happy in a placebo way, despite being fairly miserable. Except for me, it wasn't a game. I wanted to believe that I was happy, as that would lead me to happiness. It did.

 

So, to tally up about the No Contact rule.

 

- Don't check social media. It often can be quite the lie. If your ex is spying on yours, which they likely are, they'll assume you're doing the same.

 

- If you do use social media, post things that make you happy, and only things that make you happy. Nothing about feeling sad, nothing about feeling lonely. Nothing negative. Post happy, and you'll start to realize how much happiness you do indeed have.

 

- Go No contact. Not only does it help, but it gives you the opportunity to reflect on everything. The relationship and the breakup. Any type of contact of any type (knowing what they're doing, who they're talking to, ect) will start to cause you to focus on the present, the aftermath. You need to take this time to reflect on what went wrong. What they did wrong. What you did wrong. What you can do to improve on yourself. Dumpers aren't always the innocent ones. And having read many stories, including my own many times, I can see that there are a lot of good men and women that treated their SO with a lot of respect and that dumper hurt them because of boredom, gigs, or immaturity. Not every breakup is that way. Not every dumpee is innocent. But both sides made mistakes to lead to a breakup.

 

- No contact isn't about getting your ex back. Despite it being a very powerful tool that will shift a lot of the pain onto the dumper, it's ultimately for you to heal. In my current situation, I have righted my wrongs. Knowing my breakup was inevitably going to happen, I got clingy. I now am at the point where I don't care about my ex, and even when she's trying to get my attention, it just shows me how indifferent I've become. If I were to ever have a chance at a relationship with this girl again, I'm at the point where I could have a successful one. I just don't want to anymore. I have found someone that wants to be with me, and I want to be with her. Plus, my ex has many more years of therapy and growing up to do to have any relationship with anybody that's romantic.

 

- Trust the process of No Contact. No Contact is *NOT* an instant cure. It's difficult as HELL to follow. You will get curious. You will start wondering if it's the best method. You will start wondering if they're hurting as much as you and you will start having curiosity flood your mind. But I do believe it is the best method, as I stated earlier, because it gives you a chance to reflect on what broke your heart, and doesn't open up new wounds if you have any knowledge of your ex. You wouldn't do a research paper on plants when you're writing one about animals. Don't reflect on anything new while still trying to heal from the past. Trust the process. It will take a lot of time to recover, but ultimately its for you to regain yourself back. Everything you lost of yourself when the breakup occurred.

 

Don't blame yourself

 

It's easy to put your ex on a pedestal, because you want nothing more than for them to come back wanting you to take them back and begin a new relationship. You start thinking about what you loss, rather than what you're free from.

 

It could have been easy for me. My ex is a narcissist with PTSD that threw me through emotional and psychological abuse. After all I was diagnosed with PTSD because of this relationship and it still haunts me to this day and may for the rest of my life. My ex is not a good person. She uses people and abuses them. But I still, early after the breakup, focused on what I lost, not what I was free from.

 

There is someone out there that will appreciate you for you, and that's the person you need to be with. Unless you cheated on your ex, in which you got exactly what you deserved, you do deserve better. Most cases, your ex left you for green pastures, or because of other reasons that may not have much to do with you. Getting into a relationship is always a roller coaster, and too many times do people enter one thinking it'll be that honeymoon stage for the rest of their life.

 

It will cause anger, but anger often can lead to forgiveness. I had my moments of anger and that eventually lead me to forgiving someone that doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But I had to in order to move on and get where I am today.

 

You will go through a roller coaster ride of emotions after a breakup, especially one you didn't want. But that's okay. There is no instantly getting over someone you loved that broke your heart. Don't hate yourself for how long it takes, or what emotions you go through. It is perfectly normal. You can speed it up, by realizing that you aren't worthless, and that you ex isn't perfect. Because no one is.

 

Do things that make you HAPPY

 

In order to truly move on, you need to find happiness within yourself. I often say that the best relationships aren't about making your SO happy, but about sharing your happiness together. If you like sports, participate in sports.

 

It's best to do things that get your body moving as well. I found long walks playing freaking Pokemon GO has been great for me. It got me excited about a game that I use to play as a little kid long ago. Catching those critters focused my thoughts on that activity, rather than my ex. I did have thoughts about her, but I was moving my body and finding peace in something that made me happy.

 

The key is to find a hobby and create a goal for yourself. Something that focuses your attention on completing that goal rather than focusing on your ex. Even something simple as writing or exercise, or taking walks. Hanging with friends. Coming up with jokes.

 

Remember when Trump said, "And if my hands are small, something else might be small. Trust me there's no problem there"? Just remember that when he tried comparing his crowd size to Obama's.

 

That one got a few laughs. The point is to do things that make you smile. Make you laugh. Make you want to get up in the morning and live life. Again, not an instant cure, but you'll realize you start caring more about what you're doing in the NOW rather than what may happen in the future, or what happened in the past.

 

Talk about it

 

You have Loveshack. You have friends, family, and the option of therapy. A lot of people got tired of me talking about my ex, but those that listened helped me grow the most. They helped me start believing everything that I actually was saying. That I am a good person, that I did do things right in the relationship. That anyone would be lucky to have me. That she made a mistake whether she knows it or not. I started really believing those things, and sure enough, her actions show she's in agreement with me.

 

Don't hold your emotions in. Don't suppress your feelings. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Even if it's the same thing over and over again. Talk about it. Say it out loud. Write a million letters to your ex (but don't send them) and then burn them while you're meditating (just be safe). Weakness isn't what you reveal to others. It's what you hide from yourself.

 

Don't rush into a relationship

 

Give yourself time to heal. Getting into another relationship, or a rebound, may cause your ex to get jealous and react. That's possible. But you're using someone in the process, and your ex will be coming back only for jealousy, not for you. Heck, they might not even come back. They might just wish you well and go with someone else.

 

Give yourself time to heal until you truly believe you can see yourself with someone else. We will always miss the feelings. The cuddles, the kissing, the sex, the compliments, the pet names. But you need to give yourself time. Remember, the best relationships aren't making someone happy, it's sharing both your happiness with each other.

 

 

I know it seems easy, having it all written down. It's a tough process. I know, and I wish I didn't know.

 

But once you get to the point of where you don't care what you ex is doing, has been doing, or is thinking of doing, then you'll know you're ready to start dating someone. And then you'll see that there is someone that will make you feel great again, and make you glad the breakup happened because it gave you an opportunity to meet someone new that now loves you for who you are.

 

 

As for getting an ex back, my tip is simple - do no contact and focus on YOU. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do after the relationship ended to change their mind. All that needed to be done while in a relationship. But it's 100% up to the dumper to realize what they lost. And they will. Often when it's too late.

 

Keep your head up my fellow LoveShackers, and thank you so much for helping me heal and overcome this. I hope I never have to see any of you again, but only because I hope I never have a need to log into these forums again. I wish you all well in your lives, and remember - You will find happiness in your life.

 

-Altair

[fieldoflavender]

Thanks for the post. I agree with most of it except that I don't think she needs to be "wrong" or that she needs to try to get you back for you to validate all those feelings. To be honest, at this stage, sure it would be nice if he could be sorry for the bad things he did, but I actually don't really want anything to do with him.

[loverboy69]

Did a therapist really diagnose you with PTSD over a breakup? That's pretty incredible as I was unaware it could be applied to relationships too? My brother was diagnosed with PTSD after coming back from war overseas in the Middle East.

 

Good write up and thanks for sharing your experience.

[SSun]

My friend was diagnosed with PTSD following his breakup by his medical doc and a psychologist.

 

 

Did a therapist really diagnose you with PTSD over a breakup? That's pretty incredible as I was unaware it could be applied to relationships too? My brother was diagnosed with PTSD after coming back from war overseas in the Middle East.

 

Good write up and thanks for sharing your experience.

[FenixRising]

Thanks for a very helpful post. I'm going to save this and keep coming back to it on good days and bad ones.

[guest569]

Have tried everything again and again. 14 months out and it still haunts me

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hi Altair,

 

Thank you for your summary. I found it very true and well written.

 

I like you believe my ex was a narcissist. I experienced what was close to PTSD, PTRS my therapist referred to it as. It's usually in situations when a relationship in it's course was emotionally or physically abusive, coupled with the compound trauma from it ending... creates a mental trauma similar to that of PTSD (panic attacks/insomnia/constant flashbacks, attachment similar to stockholm syndrome etc).

 

I'm not belittling our heroes that have seen and done horrorful things which requires years of treatment for PTSD, i'm just saying it can be similar if not as bad as real life trauma.

 

Altair - it'd be good if we could communicate privately. I think there's a lot of similarities in our stories and I'd be interested in hearing from you ... somehow...

[Littlebird95]

That was a great post for most break up, but what if I still have to see my ex for the next 3 years of University?

 

I mean, I'm straight NC for the last 3 months and will temain the another one, but after that, school will start and I'll have to see her everyday as we have all he same classes and share the same friends at university.

 

I have felt great and working a lot on myself the past 3 months. Those commons friends have noticed it and told me it was wonderful. Few members of my family even looked at me once and told me, you look peaceful, is there something new making you happy this way? My mom even joked that I cant date anymore, as I'm way nicer and better single.

 

But for the last 2 weeks, I've had a rough time. My ex is haunting me everyday and I dont know why. Maybe I'm just scared of how its going to be in one month, on how she'll act towards me, etc. I just feel like every progress I've made so far will just disappear soon.