Seperarion after ltr child commits suicide

[Chris's problem]

I have recently been in a 31/2 year relationship with a girl. We got along great never had a single argument. She has two kids that don't live with us. Her son committed suicide and it changed everything. She felt like I wasn't supportive enough if her because I was angry at the son for how he hurt his mom. It was obviously devastating to her and I said he was wrong todo theirs to his mom and she didn't deserve it. She moved out and now will not have anything to do with me. She is still grieving the loss obviously but I want her back should I just let her go if she can't forgive me for not being sad as much as pissed at how much it affected and hurt her.

[PegNosePete]

Wow, you really messed that one up, didn't you?!

 

The best you can do is apologise unreservedly and hope she gives you another chance.

 

If she doesn't then accept her decision gracefully.

[basil67]

wow, you couldn't have handled that more poorly if you tried.

 

Google 'circle of grief - ring theory' to see the correct way of managing a situation such as this. In a nutshell, th person suffering the grief is the centre of a ring of circles. They are allowed to deal with the grief however they need to. As a partner, you are in the next circle layer out. Your job is to support her in whatever way she needs. You Do Not burden her with your emotions. If you are upset,angry, overwhelmed, you vent to someone in the outer of the circles, not inwards.

 

You owe her one hell of an apology for burdening her with your emotions and anger towards her son. She may forgive you, but I wouldn't lay money on it because you can't unsay the terrible things you've said about her beloved son.

Edited July 25, 2017 by basil67

[somanymistakes]

Maybe someday when she's finished grieving the loss she will be able to deal with you again, but not any time soon.

[preraph]

I'm so sorry you got caught up in the middle of this. Look, she will eventually go through an anger stage about her son, because you are right, suicide is usually the most selfish thing a person can do if they're still full of life and able-bodied, you know. Kids' brains aren't developed to fully understand consequences until around the mid-20s.

 

I have to just tell you, you need to just leave her alone. There is nothing anyone can do here. This isn't something she is ever likely to really get past. it will always be the biggest thing in the room. There is no way you will ever have her full attention and full love because that was her son, and he is gone now. Losing a child isn't something you really ever get over and she will be down and depressed probably the rest of her days unless she is an exceptionally determined strong and naturally uplifted person going into this.

 

I advise you just tell her if there's ever anything you can do, to call, but stop trying to date her.

[ayoung73]

Mistakes are not the end of the world, moving out was a reaction to ‘not understanding your reaction’ to her son’s suicide. What I would do, research suicide and learn why someone does it, a lot of times the person is suffering from depression and a mixture of other mental health issues which come to a head and the person is overwhelmed beyond rationality. Regardless, you need to understand the act, her response to it, I would imagine she also feels guilty, ‘I wasn’t there for him, why didn’t he call me I could have helped, or why didn’t I spot it during that last phone call/visit etc.’ Guilt and unjust feelings of responsibility often accompany suicide survivors. In addition to these feelings, she has lost her son!

 

She needs to understand your feelings, your reaction to her son’s death. My advice, write it out and mail it to her. If there is anything left, she’ll read it and contact you. But first understand her positon and then write to her. Your reaction is also normal, being angry and defensive when someone has hurt the person you love, but your responsibility is to take care of her. Don’t wait too long and at the very least, she’ll know your feelings are motivated by love for her.