Trusting a very absurd situation

[dixon123]

So, I don't have many people to talk to about this so I decided to try this forum out.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. The first year was a bit rocky, to say the least. When I met him we were initially very romantic but he told me off the bat that he didn't want to be in a relationship. Time passed, he fell in love with me(as I did very early on) and decided to commit to me. In that year, he still wasn't ready and cheated on me twice. After my finding out, and after he realized how much he regretted those decisions, he changed. The past 2 years he has been loyal to me. There was a stint where we broke up and we each saw someone new for a few months. That didn't work, and we got back together to be in eachothers' lives.

 

He is now in a platonic friendship with this girl who he had previously been intimate with, and I have become friends with her as well, though I still feel a bit of mistrust. I feel like it is my own insecurity and I have a problem with holding on to our dark past. But is it?

 

ANYHOW, sorry for the elongated history. Here's the real sticky situation. He is going out of town with his bestfriend and his girlfriend for an event for a few days. His platonic friend, who he was previously intimate with was also going to go with some other friends. Those friends bailed on her and she already had bought her way to this event and now is hoping to stay in the same hotel room with my boyfriend,his friend and his girlfriend. So essentially, my boyfriend and his formerly intimate friend will be sharing a bed. I want to trust him and her, but it is really ****ing hard to based on our past. I know this is a huge test in trust for me, but I also think this is an unfair position that I am in. I don't know how to react. I don't want to control his decisions and I know it would be hard for them to even be intimate in a situation like this, but still.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Am I a complete naive fool for even being with him???

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

At a minimum, everyone in this traveling foursome needs to all be on the same page that nothing will happen with these two. Meaning, the boyfriend/girlfriend should be willing to keep the former lovebirds accountable.

 

Is there a reason one of them can't just get their own hotel room?

[dixon123]

Thank you. That's a fair point, but we are all quite young and I know they are on a tight budget. So I'd say the only reason is finances.

 

Aside from that, it gives me relief to say that this gal reached out to him about it first asking if that would make me uncomfortable. Obviously it does, but I want to be able to trust her as she is my new friend.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you. That's a fair point, but we are all quite young and I know they are on a tight budget. So I'd say the only reason is finances.

 

Aside from that, it gives me relief to say that this gal reached out to him about it first asking if that would make me uncomfortable. Obviously it does, but I want to be able to trust her as she is my new friend.

 

Well, that's nice, but if they must share a room, your boyfriend needs to sleep on the floor or get a cot. NO exceptions.

[hippychick3]

There is absolutely no way in h*** I'd be comfortable with that arrangement.

 

Budget or no budget, she needs to be in a separate room.

[smackie9]

He didn't want a relationship-red flag

He claimed he fell in love with you, but cheated twice anyways-red flag!!

He bs'ed that he regretted fooling around on you TWICE

You broke up, he enjoyed fooling around and hooved you back when he was done-red flag

He is still friends with his fling-red flag

Going on a trip (without you) taking this "friend" -red flag

 

Sorry but he's still slammin her, don't kid yourself. You are so gullible and he knows this, you can be easily swayed, he play you like a fiddle. Girl you are taken for a damn fool.

[Zahara]

He knows you are naive and gullible.

 

He's cheated on you twice and you took him back twice. You taught him that you will tolerate bad behavior.

 

There is no way in hell anyone would be okay with a partner sleeping in the same bed with another that they've been intimate with -- again, you teaching him you have no boundaries and will allow just about anything to appease him.

 

If he knows he can get away with cheating, he'll just do it again.

 

Enforce that he needs to get a separate room. In any case, if they wanted to sleep together, they could do it anywhere. All this smells bad.

[Try]

we are all quite young and I know they are on a tight budget. So I'd say the only reason is finances.

So if a woman that has had sex with your boyfriend in the past is tight on finances, she gets to literally spend the weekend with and sleep with your boyfriend?

 

Aside from that, it gives me relief to say that this gal reached out to him about it first asking if that would make me uncomfortable. Obviously it does, but I want to be able to trust her as she is my new friend.

So when a new friend that has a romantic history with your boyfriend asks if you were OK with her spending the weekend partying with and sleeping with your boyfriend, you feel that you must lie to her and tell her that you are OK with it when "Obviously" you are not (and rightfully so)? Of course when you were asked, it was clear that your boyfriend and his friends were OK with it, so you are being pressured. Also, in having her supposedly be your hero, and the only one that cared to ask about your feelings, although it makes her look good, does it not show that your boyfriend does not care about your feelings?

 

Tell them that you are not OK with this. Then tell them that you and your boyfriend should help her out by buying the ticket from her and having you go instead. Their reaction to that plan will be very telling.

[Space Ritual]

Thank you. That's a fair point, but we are all quite young and I know they are on a tight budget. So I'd say the only reason is finances.

 

Aside from that, it gives me relief to say that this gal reached out to him about it first asking if that would make me uncomfortable. Obviously it does, but I want to be able to trust her as she is my new friend.

 

Had the "reach out" been genuine she would have insisted on separate lodging arrangements. But she didn't and it's all tied up neat and with a nice bow to boot.

 

Oh yeah, this has "On The Up and Up" written all over it...

 

There is a difference between voicing your concerns and acting upon them. I think you should be acting toward letting your boyfriend know this is a bit too much and should his former FWB share the room with him, that your relationship will be seeing i'ts last sunrise.

 

What's the worst that could happen? Plenty

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The fact that he thinks you will be ok with him staying in a hotel bed with his ex just shows how little respect he has for you. It is beyond inappropriate and disrespectful. He is being so shameless about it, I wouldn't be surprised if you find condoms in his luggage.

 

You're right, you can't tell him what to do. These are his choices, and are a reflection of his own character. However, what you do have control over is what you will and won't tolerate in a relationship.

 

Look around this forum and see the damage that results from prolonged exposure to cheaters. It can impact your self esteem, cause extreme stress and anxiety, and cause trust issues that will follow you into your next relationship.

 

Sometimes you need to take a step back and consider whether a relationship will be more damaging long term.

 

It's up to you.

[I AM HERE]

Tell him the truth of how you feel about it, leave it to him. Pay attention if they decide to sleep together (in the same bed) or not and how they behave afterwards. Do the smart thing afterwards.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I wouldn't stay with a guy who has decided to share a bed for any reason with any other female at all. Wouldn't even talk with him about it. That is so disrespectful. I'd just say, "Sure." And when he returns from his trip I'd be unavailable, permanently.

[healing light]

Why is this even a question? He should have put a stop to this immediately without the query even reaching you.

 

Completely ridiculous and disrespectful. This is not a matter of trust. This is a blatant boundary violation in any monogamous relationship.

 

What a dick.

[The411]

So, I don't have many people to talk to about this so I decided to try this forum out.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. The first year was a bit rocky, to say the least. When I met him we were initially very romantic but he told me off the bat that he didn't want to be in a relationship. Time passed, he fell in love with me(as I did very early on) and decided to commit to me. In that year, he still wasn't ready and cheated on me twice. After my finding out, and after he realized how much he regretted those decisions, he changed. The past 2 years he has been loyal to me. There was a stint where we broke up and we each saw someone new for a few months. That didn't work, and we got back together to be in eachothers' lives.

 

He is now in a platonic friendship with this girl who he had previously been intimate with, and I have become friends with her as well, though I still feel a bit of mistrust. I feel like it is my own insecurity and I have a problem with holding on to our dark past. But is it?

 

ANYHOW, sorry for the elongated history. Here's the real sticky situation. He is going out of town with his bestfriend and his girlfriend for an event for a few days. His platonic friend, who he was previously intimate with was also going to go with some other friends. Those friends bailed on her and she already had bought her way to this event and now is hoping to stay in the same hotel room with my boyfriend,his friend and his girlfriend. So essentially, my boyfriend and his formerly intimate friend will be sharing a bed. I want to trust him and her, but it is really ****ing hard to based on our past. I know this is a huge test in trust for me, but I also think this is an unfair position that I am in. I don't know how to react. I don't want to control his decisions and I know it would be hard for them to even be intimate in a situation like this, but still.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Am I a complete naive fool for even being with him???

 

If I were a cheater (I'm not) I'd love to have a girlfriend like you. Cheating is often a two party problem especially when the relationship continues after the first time the cheater is caught. You aren't responsible for his choices, but you are enabling him.