Anxiety after infidelity

[TrinityP]

I'll try to keep this brief, to avoid losing anyone -

 

I've been married to my wife for almost 5 years, together for almost 15. After only about 8 months of marriage, we were having problems, we weren't communicating, we weren't intimate, we were like house mates rather than a married couple. Neither of us wanted to talk about it though, and our heads were firmly in the sand.

 

I began, I think it's referred to as, an emotional affair. It was with a friend of my best friends fiancé. We emailed almost every day, and we flirted. There was never anything physical, nor was there ever any plans to do so. She was engaged and I think we both just enjoyed the attention. I've only ever been in the girls company 2 or 3 times, and never alone. I'm not saying that makes me guilt free, I shouldn't have been doing it, and I'm sorry I did.

 

Later on I did something else, on a night out with friends I went home with a random girl. I came to my senses before "going all the way", but still massively crossed the line. I went home and immediately told my wife what happened.

 

We went to counselling, two different sets of counselling. It got us speaking about our problems, and helped us so much. I think the conclusions were more or less - our relationship wasn't good, I looked for attention/affection in other places, but although the relationship was the same for my wife, she didn't do anything like that. We talk a lot more now, and we'd never get into the same rut we did before.

 

Now...almost 4 years on, this is the reason I'm writing this, I've been asked to be best man at my best friends wedding. It isn't until 2019, but the girl I had the "emotional affair" with, will be there, and my wife is so anxious about it. She doesn't want me to go. I've purposefully avoided the other girl since back when we were emailing. If she's going to be somewhere, I don't go. I have to go to the wedding though!

 

I don't want to be the guy who yells "just get over it, it's been 4 years, and all we did was email". I genuinely know it's not as simple as that, but I feel like I'm almost at my wits end. It seems we're talking about it all the time now. I just don't know what to do.

[knabe]

My first question is will this former OW just be a guest, or will she be participating in the wedding?

[TrinityP]

Just a guest. She's a friend of the bride to be, but not a best friend.

 

The wedding is abroad, so it'll be 90ish people together for about 2-3 days.

[Lisam44]

That is difficult, unless the trust is totally rebuit which apparently it isnt due to your wifes anxiety i say you shouldnt go. However, if you can reassure her that there is totally nothing there and alleviate her fears by then, then go. It doesnt matter if it has been 4 years or 4 days deep down the hurt and mistrust will always be there. I am in a scituation of infidelity right now and i get the tears and the i love yous and i dont know what i am doings but i need to take charge and move on. Im glad you could work it out....but if you love her, you need tou respect her feelings on this one! Good luck

[lolablue17]

Pass this dilemma to your wife (I assume she's invited too). Tell her that it is her decision and if she says don't go, you're not going. But it is very important for you to go to the wedding, and if you miss it, it will also track a lot of attention from everybody to this past emotional affair (She probably doesn't want that to happen).

 

If you give her the power, it might surprosongly calm her down with this matter.

[waterwoman]

I would advise you do not go unless your wife can go with. A trip abroad, a celebration, possibly with alcohol thrown in, without her and with someone you has any form of emotional relationship? That is not a good idea.

 

When my H cheated with a work colleague I had to accept they would be working together for a few weeks until the end of term but there was no way I would have been happy with them being together in a social environment. Luckily H was more than happy with that proviso. Even now, even though I am indifferent to his OW now (I've come across her a few times) I would expect him to refrain from going to an event of this nature with her present and me absent - purely out of respect to me.

 

Sorry

[TrinityP]

My wife is obviously invited, and coming, to the wedding as well. Sorry, I know I didn't write that already.

[TrinityP]

Pass this dilemma to your wife (I assume she's invited too). Tell her that it is her decision and if she says don't go, you're not going. But it is very important for you to go to the wedding, and if you miss it, it will also track a lot of attention from everybody to this past emotional affair (She probably doesn't want that to happen).

 

If you give her the power, it might surprosongly calm her down with this matter.

 

Can't do that, I am 100% certain that if I left it up to my wife, she'd say we're not going.

 

I'm the best man, I'm going to the wedding.

[Chi townD]

 

Now...almost 4 years on, this is the reason I'm writing this, I've been asked to be best man at my best friends wedding. It isn't until 2019, but the girl I had the "emotional affair" with, will be there, and my wife is so anxious about it. She doesn't want me to go. I've purposefully avoided the other girl since back when we were emailing. If she's going to be somewhere, I don't go. I have to go to the wedding though!

 

No you don't! Do not go! You were in the wrong. And if this bothers your wife and you have any value for your marriage, then you respect her wishes. I would go to this friend and respectfully decline and send a wedding gift. Your wife stayed when she had every reason to leave. So, you need to respect that.

[central]

IMO, go to the wedding, be Best Man. Your wife should go, and being there, she can be SURE that nothing happens with this other woman. What more assurance can she expect, than to be present. Besides, as part of the wedding party, you have very little interaction with guests, other than a receiving line, where absolutely nothing can happen. Just don't treat this woman differently than any other guest.

 

 

If indeed there was nothing more than some inappropriate emails in the past, then this should work out fine. If not, then it is your wife's problem - although she may make it a problem for you anyway. I would be attentive, reassuring, but firm - and let the chips fall where they may. If she freaks out, let her - she'll either get over it or you can split up, which isn't necessarily a bad outcome. She feels what she feels, and that's legitimate, but not necessarily reasonable. You can't live the rest of your life walking on eggshells around your wife.

[Chi townD]

IMO, go to the wedding, be Best Man. Your wife should go, and being there, she can be SURE that nothing happens with this other woman. What more assurance can she expect, than to be present. Besides, as part of the wedding party, you have very little interaction with guests, other than a receiving line, where absolutely nothing can happen. Just don't treat this woman differently than any other guest.

 

 

If indeed there was nothing more than some inappropriate emails in the past, then this should work out fine. If not, then it is your wife's problem - although she may make it a problem for you anyway. I would be attentive, reassuring, but firm - and let the chips fall where they may. If she freaks out, let her - she'll either get over it or you can split up, which isn't necessarily a bad outcome. She feels what she feels, and that's legitimate, but not necessarily reasonable. You can't live the rest of your life walking on eggshells around your wife.

 

I wouldn't quite call being at a wedding and having his EA partner at said wedding as him walking on eggshells. As a matter of fact, nothing in his posts gives the impression that he is on a short leash that is strangling him at all.

 

Let the chips fall where they may?!?!? I'm not suggesting that he is a cuck beta, but be respectful of the woman that stayed when she didn't have to.

 

If his wife has a problem with it, then it's a legitimate problem THAT HE CREATED! But, you make it sound like "Meh...okay so you had an emotional and a physical affair. But if she can't handle it then that's her problem, not yours"

[TrinityP]

No you don't! Do not go! You were in the wrong. And if this bothers your wife and you have any value for your marriage, then you respect her wishes. I would go to this friend and respectfully decline and send a wedding gift. Your wife stayed when she had every reason to leave. So, you need to respect that.

 

I respect it plenty. For almost 4 years I've missed umpteen birthday parties, engagement parties, nights out, days out. I know my wife doesn't want me around the girl, and I've obliged that with zero complaint.

 

This isn't a birthday party, this is the wedding of the guy who's been my best friend for about 25 years. It's not up for debate. I'm going to the wedding. I want my wife to come with me.

[TrinityP]

She feels what she feels, and that's legitimate, but not necessarily reasonable. You can't live the rest of your life walking on eggshells around your wife.

 

That's kind of where I'm at. Although, I know I suffer with a lack of empathy at the best of times, and having never been cheated on before, it's difficult for me to know how she's feeling.

[elaine567]

This isn't a birthday party, this is the wedding of the guy who's been my best friend for about 25 years. It's not up for debate. I'm going to the wedding. I want my wife to come with me.

 

I know I suffer with a lack of empathy at the best of times

 

 

Its showing...

[Chi townD]

I respect it plenty. For almost 4 years I've missed umpteen birthday parties, engagement parties, nights out, days out. I know my wife doesn't want me around the girl, and I've obliged that with zero complaint.

 

This isn't a birthday party, this is the wedding of the guy who's been my best friend for about 25 years. It's not up for debate. I'm going to the wedding. I want my wife to come with me.

 

Well, if you're that miserable, then get a divorce. Seems like you regret missing out on all of those things.

 

Of course you'll tell me that I'm not helping matters. Because I'm telling what you DON'T want to hear.

[BaileyB]

If I was your wife, I would go with you to the wedding. I would hope that I could be the stronger person and allow you to be present at the wedding of your best friend.

 

However, if I was your wife... I'm not sure that you would still be my husband after seeking the affection of two different women during the marriage. So, it would probably be a moot point!

[somanymistakes]

Honestly I think that if you REALLY HAVE behaved yourself and done everything that your wife has asked to avoid this girl without complaint, it's a little unfair for her to demand that you skip the wedding. HOWEVER - my opinion doesn't matter here. It doesn't matter if everyone in the thread says your wife is wrong. What matters is how your wife feels. She's not going to be won over by "well, someone on an internet forum said I was right!"

 

So your actual options are:

 

Try to convince her to go along with it and offer compromises where you can. Promise that you won't be out of her sight at any time, skip the bachelor party, whatever.

 

Disregard her feelings, go anyway, and try to make it up to her later. Don't be surprised if this leads to a massive fight.

 

Try to convince your friend to uninvite the other woman because it's you or her.

 

Skip the wedding.

 

Break up with your wife.

 

 

 

Are there any other options I'm missing here?

[knabe]

Pass this dilemma to your wife (I assume she's invited too). Tell her that it is her decision and if she says don't go, you're not going. But it is very important for you to go to the wedding, and if you miss it, it will also track a lot of attention from everybody to this past emotional affair (She probably doesn't want that to happen).

 

If you give her the power, it might surprosingly calm her down with this matter.

 

Yep, and I also agree with the poster that says if she can't go, you don't go.

[knabe]

Can't do that, I am 100% certain that if I left it up to my wife, she'd say we're not going.

 

I'm the best man, I'm going to the wedding.

 

This post lets me know you don't really understand what you did, you don't actually have any empathy for your wife, and you really just plain don't care.

 

So why even ask....just to get strangers to back you up so you can bulldoze your wife?

[Superchicken]

Trinity, so, your wife asked you NOT to go.

 

 

Really ?, do you want an answer ?.

What the heck do you think you should do ?.

I mean after having an emotional affair, almost another physical affair (And I'm sure heaps of online crap you would have done as well), what do you think you should answer your wife when she asks you NOT to go.

 

 

I will fall short of calling you some "Silly" name (Oh, its not really silly !).

 

 

Make your decision based on your wife's feelings on the whole thing.

Sorry, but don't care if he's your best friend and his getting married, or what ever.

You stuffed it all up, and not your wife, so YOU fix it.

Further, keep fixing it until your wife forgives, and "Trusts" you again.

 

 

Here's a new word for you, "Trust".. I'm sure they mentioned it in your ceremony. You were there weren't you ?. Look at your wedding photos and let me know who was standing next to your wife at the alter .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ted.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Superchicken

[DKT3]

Ask yourself is going worth losing your marriage? I'm not saying she will leave you if you go, I don't know her. What I'm getting at is this maybe a dire situation for her, it could be that final straw.

 

BTW, all those things you missed, well that's the price you pay for what you did. It also sounds like you're keeping score.

 

Talk to your wife, find where her head is, if she is adamant about you not going than it's best you don't go, or at least see if your best friend would ask the OW to not attend since she is the only a guest.

[Cymbeline]

You summarily dismissed an earlier posters suggestion that you tell your wife you feel very much that you want to be there (together) but that she can veto it and you will abide by her decision.

 

It is the cleverest suggestion that has been made. Truly. Chances are , if given control, she will feel heard, acknowledged, loved and capitulate. And then you will be very careful to consider her feelings throughout the celebrations of course.

 

In the unlikely event she does veto your attendance, (and if she does, I think it may be due to your admitted lack of empathy) I think you suck it up. If you go when she really doesn't want to, it will do dreadful damage to your marriage for years to come.

 

Honestly, being wholeheartedly (not meagrely) given the responsibility of saying yes or no, I'd bet she would be flooded with warmthh, feeling that perhaps you do really value her after all.

 

But you have to be genuinely willing to give it up and not be playing a game.

[lolablue17]

It's not up for debate. I'm going to the wedding.

 

Well, you may regret this attitude. I don't judge you about your decision, you have all the right to decide what ever you want. But you risk something. You're gambling with your marriage. Maybe you have the urge to do so.

 

If I were you I'd choose the "hand over the decision to her". You underestimate her, and her ability to think. She knows that preventing you from going to your best friend wedding is a huge issue.

 

By telling you not to go, she's giving away a great advantage she has over you after the affair. Right now it's "You owe her". If she cut you from that wedding, there's a major change in that status. It's more like "she owes you" from now on. And it may cause an endless battle of who owes who, which van kill your marriage.

[Ahurtgirl]

Your wife is holding your EA over your head because she is feeling insecure and also being selfish. No offense but the guy you have been friends with for many years trumps your wife on this one, especially since she will be coming along. She needs to let it go and realize you stayed with her. Husbands leave wives to be with the other woman often times. You chose to stay with her. Does she not realize that? You picked her.

Tell her she needs to stop acting like a victim and either let it go or you are done. If she isn't able to heal and move on, how healthy is it for either of you to stay in the marriage?

[Overtaxed]

No you don't! Do not go! You were in the wrong. And if this bothers your wife and you have any value for your marriage, then you respect her wishes. I would go to this friend and respectfully decline and send a wedding gift. Your wife stayed when she had every reason to leave. So, you need to respect that.

 

Wow. This thread takes the cake for July, at least for me.

 

Dude (OP). You had some level of inappropriate relationship with someone who's going to be at the wedding. If your wife is uncomfortable with you going, YOU DON'T GO. It's that simple. Let me tell you, your friends there, even the guy getting married; he'll be upset for a minute, and then it will pass. You being there does not matter to him NEARLY as much as you not being there matters to your wife. If you don't go, but somehow could be a fly on the wall, you'd probably hear your name mentioned about 3 times the entire night. "Man, wish he could have been here". Yup, that's it. All there is to it, you'll be missed by a few people for a short period of time and the celebration and festivities will continue without you. Your friend, and the other people there don't care that much, they really don't. And your wife does care that much, trust me, as a BS, I can tell you, she really does.

 

Send in "your regrets" for the wedding. Tell your buddy the truth if you really want to, he'll understand (or uninvite the ex affair partner if it's really that important to him). But don't even consider going in the situation you've outlined. It's cruel, even if your wife "permits it", it's just wrong.