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Anxiety after infidelity


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Starswillshine

Your posts here make it very obvious why your wife still has anxiety.

 

You likely would have won some points had you given her the option of not going... she likely would have given thought into the rational side and put forth some boundaries and nervously go with you to this wedding.

 

But your attitude towards it? No wonder after 4 years she is still stuck.

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Get some counseling so that you can take steps/action to repair that damage you caused - every word and action should be focused on providing your wife security and trust on a silver platter.

 

It's up to you to do this FOR her peace of mind.

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IMO, go to the wedding, be Best Man. Your wife should go, and being there, she can be SURE that nothing happens with this other woman. What more assurance can she expect, than to be present. Besides, as part of the wedding party, you have very little interaction with guests, other than a receiving line, where absolutely nothing can happen. Just don't treat this woman differently than any other guest.

 

 

If indeed there was nothing more than some inappropriate emails in the past, then this should work out fine. If not, then it is your wife's problem - although she may make it a problem for you anyway. I would be attentive, reassuring, but firm - and let the chips fall where they may. If she freaks out, let her - she'll either get over it or you can split up, which isn't necessarily a bad outcome. She feels what she feels, and that's legitimate, but not necessarily reasonable. You can't live the rest of your life walking on eggshells around your wife.

 

Sorry but this advice may well lead to divorce.

 

op,

If going to the wedding is really important to you, then talk to your wife. explain why it's really important for you to go, as he is a really good friend an you want to be there for him. Ask her what she needs from you to feel "safe" at the function. It may be as simple as staying close to her and not being alone with this other woman at all.

 

You might also have some luck if you frame it in a way that it will show you both how far your marriage has come.

 

one more thing, the reason she may not want to go is because she knows she's going to have to see your "ow", and she may not want to have to socialize with her. Once again, you can help by reassuring her that won't happen, and let her know that you admire her ability to have so much class that she can keep a lid on her feelings. Give her time and space to vent when the function is all over and done with.

 

Keep in mind that if you do go, even though you are "best man", your wife will need to take top priority, given the circumstances. Normally, I wouldn't say that, but your situation is a little unusual.Your wife may well be feeling hurt all over again, embarrassed at having to see this woman and angry too. if the roles were reversed, you might well feel the same way. It also sounds like this will be the first time she has seen this woman since the EA ended. It's bound to be a huge trigger for her.

 

If it's just too difficult for her, is there any way you could politely skip the wedding and throw a huge party for him ( sans your ex- ea partner) and his new bride when they get home?

 

you've got a tough balancing act here, but it sounds like you are willing to do what you can to make it comfortable for your wife.

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Honestly I think that if you REALLY HAVE behaved yourself and done everything that your wife has asked to avoid this girl without complaint, it's a little unfair for her to demand that you skip the wedding. HOWEVER - my opinion doesn't matter here. It doesn't matter if everyone in the thread says your wife is wrong. What matters is how your wife feels. She's not going to be won over by "well, someone on an internet forum said I was right!"

 

So your actual options are:

 

Try to convince her to go along with it and offer compromises where you can. Promise that you won't be out of her sight at any time, skip the bachelor party, whatever.

 

Disregard her feelings, go anyway, and try to make it up to her later. Don't be surprised if this leads to a massive fight.

 

Try to convince your friend to uninvite the other woman because it's you or her.

 

Skip the wedding.

 

Break up with your wife.

 

 

 

Are there any other options I'm missing here?

 

I can understand where his wife is coming from. He not only had an emotional affair he also had a one night stand with a girl he picked up as well ( though here was no full on intercourse), and this was after a night of drinking.

 

Op, it sounds like you have worked really had and will never ever do this again, but put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel in this situation?

 

How woudl you feel about attending a wedding abroad if your wife had been the one who had an affair an her ex-om was going to be at the wedding? I'm not saying you shouldn't go if it is really important to you, just that I can understand why she might not want to go.

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Your wife is holding your EA over your head because she is feeling insecure and also being selfish. No offense but the guy you have been friends with for many years trumps your wife on this one, especially since she will be coming along. She needs to let it go and realize you stayed with her. Husbands leave wives to be with the other woman often times. You chose to stay with her. Does she not realize that? You picked her.

Tell her she needs to stop acting like a victim and either let it go or you are done. If she isn't able to heal and move on, how healthy is it for either of you to stay in the marriage?

 

If the op follows this hate on for bs, it may well also lead to divorce.

 

And yes, is wife most certainly is a "victim" here of the unintentionally callous behavior of her husband and ow. I don't think that either one of them wanted to hurt her, but they did. Actions in life have consequences. After all his crappy, the op stepped up to the plate, went to counseling with his wife and they are both putting in an effort to make it work.

 

That is wonderful, and I really want to commend the op for doing this. He has taken responsibility for his actions, and has done a lot of heavy lifting. This being said, I can understand why his wife wouldn't feel comfortable going.

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As you are the best man, it is going to be a very awkward situation for your wife as the best man tends not to spend a lot of time with his partner as he has duties to perform.

Your poor wife is going to be spending a lot of time on her own and partner less at the wedding, and as she will no doubt be seriously triggered by the presence of the OW and the absence of yourself, then this will be a disaster for her and for your marriage too I guess.

Add in a bit of alcohol into the mix, and this could be explosive.

This may put your reconciliation back a long way.

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op, if you talk to your wife, maybe you can both use this as a way to show off "the new you two". Your wife has been through tough time, so tell her he should go with you, hold her head high and proud, and on the night of the wedding, you an she can tear up the dance floor together and give living proof that two people who love one another can overcome so much.

 

If she agrees to go and you really want to wow her and show her how far you both, and your relationship, has come, is there any way that you could work a comment about that into your best man's speech ( if you give one)? Something along the lines of how two people can really grow in a marriage, and us you and your wife as living proof. I'm not saying you should strut up to the podium and talk about the ea and one night stand, just that you can make this comment and both you and your wife will know what you mean.

 

On the wedding day, if you are helping the groom get ready, treat you wife to a morning at a spa and getting her hair etc. done for the wedding. It's a lovely gift, and it will help her relax too.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Can your friend getting married not invite this OW?

 

If not, then don't attend the wedding.

 

His wedding doesn't need to cost you your marriage... just decline if needed.

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OP

 

Who matters more to you: your BW or your BF?

 

Looks like that's what it's coming down to.

 

You say you're going to the wedding - so I'm guessing you value your BF more than your BW. Fair enough, it's your choice to make - but be aware that it is a choice, one that you're making, and that the consequences (which many here have spelled out) will be the results of that choice.

 

It's sad that it's come down to a choice, but sometimes life is like that. Just make sure you're happy with the consequences. It looks like your previous choices (the EA, the ONS) weren't informed by much considerations of the consequences (this situation). Make sure this choice is.

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Again, put yourself in her position.

 

What a lot of men ( and women too) don't understand about an affair is that is can really do a number on a bs's self esteem and also shake them right to their foundation, especially if you really care for and trust your spouse.

 

It comes down to having the one person in the whole world that you should be able to trust to not intentionally engage in acts that will hurt you. It takes a lot of work for a bs to be able to turn off that inner voice of self preservation.

 

Also, in your bs's mind, she may look at the ow as the woman, even if only for a period of time, who you chose over her That can be really hurtful.

 

Also, if this is the first time she would have had an occasion to see the ow, then it can bring back all of the hurt, anger, sadness, etc. This is a completely normal human reaction to a painful situation.

 

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel guilty,as you sound like a decent guy who made some bad choices but has done his best to try to learn and move forward. You are also accepting responsibility and not blaming your wife or your ex emotional affair partner or one night stand woman. I can't begin to tell you how impressed I am with that. :):):)

 

If you do decide to got o the wedding, can you talk to your friend first, explain the situation and that you might need to spend some extra time with your wife, and this will be a difficult time for her? I mentioned treating her to a morning of pampering on the wedding day so she can look her best and feel confident and relaxed, but is there any way that you could add a couple of extra days to the trip as sort of a surprise romantic getaway for you two? This way, you can show her how much you care and turn what could be a difficult situation into a positive one? This might sound a bit nutty, but could you go all out and arrange a simple renewal of your vows with your wife for sometime ( maybe he next day) after the main event? It wouldn't have to be anything big, just the two of you. If that's not possible, can you arrange some sort of special gift for her? not one that's expensive, but one that shows you care? My husband and I will have been married 20 years next month and he gave me a book he had printed for me that was funny but gave all the reasons he is happy we are together. I think the price tag was maybe 20 dollars, but it was sweet, funny and I really liked it. You might try something that would be meaningful to the two of you,and give it to her on the flight over? There's lots of thing you could do, and you sound like the type of guy who can come up with an idea that could be really meaningful for both of you.

 

I know of one couple where the husband had been in an affair and they reconciled. It was kid of similar to your situation, and they made up a code word that they could use, even in conversation when others were around, to let their spouse know they loved them. It was a private joke between the two of them, and as silly as it might sound, it created a real bond between them.

 

These examples may sound corny, but after all, isn't love, in and of itself, pretty corny? I think that when you've been married a long time you can forget that. You get bogged down in all the day to day minutiae and concerns that you forget your spouse isn't there just for the serious things, they are also there for the silly and fun things as well.

 

I know this may be an obvious statement, but an affair can really rock a marriage, but, conversely, if the aftermath is handled well afterwards, and both spouses are willing to work as you two have, then it can become a situation of taking lemons and making lemonade.

 

Whatever you do, the most important thing to do is talk with your wife. Ask her how she is feeling, really listen and let her know you understand why she might be apprehensive. Ask her what she needs most from you, and what you can do to make the wedding a happy event for her too.

 

Once again, I want to let you know that you are on the right track, but have hit a bump. That's normal, and if handled well, it can actually strengthen your relationship. Given the work you have already put in, I think you are someone who can take this situation and make it really positive.

 

by the way, for what it is worth, my spouse had an affair ( full blown but short) about a decade ago. We were able to get through it all because it was the right choice for us. You made a similar choice, and there will be lots of bumps on the road on your journey through life together. This is just my experience and opinion, but I really do believe that you and your wife, if you handle this well, can actually turn it around and make it something that brings you together instead of driving you apart.

 

Sorry for being so long winded, and I hope this helps you out a bit. You sound like a decent guy, and I wanted support you in your marriage.

Edited by wmacbride
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I mentioned treating her to a morning of pampering on the wedding day so she can look her best and feel confident and relaxed,

Sounds like a good idea but I guess she wants to keep her eye on on the OP every minute he is there, just in case he happens to run into or arranges to see the OW and they share "a moment".

She will not be able to have a relaxing time at the pampering session, if she even remotely suspects that her husband and the OW have arranged to get her out of the way for a while, will she?

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Sounds like a good idea but I guess she wants to keep her eye on on the OP every minute he is there, just in case he happens to run into or arranges to see the OW and they share "a moment".

She will not be able to have a relaxing time at the pampering session, if she even remotely suspects that her husband and the OW have arranged to get her out of the way for a while, will she?

 

You make a good point, but it does depend on why she is so anxious.

 

Is she anxious because she thinks he's going to rekindle his affair, or is she embarrassed at the potential of having to be around the ow? It could be she's nervous about having to be polite to her, maybe it's just that she's a painful reminder of all you two have been through.

 

op, you obviously know your wife better than any of us do. Why do you think she is apprehensive? It's just my opinion, but the reason she feels the way she does may be so jumbled up even she doesn't understand them fully. this is why I keep stressing how important it is for you to talk to her.about it.

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For your wife, don't go. Let her know you choose her. Maybe next time she'll feel more comfortable.

 

Your wife is the most important thing you should be thinking about.

 

Give your friend an excuse why you can't be there.

 

This wound is too deep for her.

 

She may change her mind. But you need to let her know she's number one.

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Vincentstreet

I seem to get in trouble when I speak my mind here but going to anyways.

I would say this... you ... need to choose between being the best man at your friends wedding or your wife. I think explaining to your friend why you cannot do it is far less complicated... and you will show your wife that she means more to you.

Seeing someone who you had an emotional connection with is NOT a good idea. You will most likely open up the "do not open" box and leave your wife feeling insecure again. Sure she should trust you.. but she is human.. and she is allowed to be in this situation. Better to score some big points with her.. and tell her she means more to you.. who knows she may even say " don't be silly.. hes your friend" and let you go!

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Better to score some big points with her.. and tell her she means more to you.. who knows she may even say " don't be silly.. hes your friend" and let you go!

 

OK but she is already "letting him go" and he is not going alone he is taking her with him.

 

There is no point in saying now he won't go if he is not firm in his resolve and has made up his mind that he will not go.

If he is going to just to emotionally blackmail her and manipulate her into letting him go alone, then that will negates the whole " I am doing this because I love you" statement.

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OK but she is already "letting him go" and he is not going alone he is taking her with him.

 

There is no point in saying now he won't go if he is not firm in his resolve and has made up his mind that he will not go.

If he is going to just to emotionally blackmail her and manipulate her into letting him go alone, then that will negates the whole " I am doing this because I love you" statement.

 

I am 100% certain that if I left it up to my wife, she'd say we're not going. I don't read this as her "letting him go". I read this as them at complete stalemates over this.

 

Is this really worth ending your marriage over, dude? Unfortunately when you have an affair, even a non-physical affair, this is the shlt you need to put up with for an indeterminate amount of time. It's one of many reasons that reconciliation is super hard.

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Perhaps your wife has lost trust in you, and if she has, it will take time for the trust to return. I'm reminded of thankfulness. Someone once wrote that we should be thankful for all things. It is so easy to get caught up in the negativity of life. However being thankful for the little things can go along way towards mending some brokeness and some hurt.

Sometimes us men need a bit of humility to make things right in a marriage. I have asked my wife (more than once) how I can be a better husband. I must say, listening without defending myself causes me to be humble. For for my wife, she clearly sees that I want to meet her needs, even putting her needs ahead of mine. Maybe that can be a place where your wife can continue to develop a trust with you. I came across this list of articles. Is Your Marriage Built on a Solid Foundation? | A Listly List I thought you may want to read #5 and #10. Hope this helps.

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travelbug1996

You are gonna have temptation wherever you go from now on in life. You can't run from it- you face it. Go to the wedding. Don't listen to the insecure people here talking about you owe it to your wife not to go. Your wife stayed because she wanted to. She is responsible for that trust meaning she will either trust you or she won't. Ou can't make her secure but you can be honest and keep her in mind while moving about.

 

If she forgave you and you mess up again, you're a fool. I don't think you're a fool. Go to the wedding have fun with your friends and your wife. Don't exchange numbers or have any small talk with the lady.

Edited by travelbug1996
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You are gonna have temptation wherever you go from now on in life. You can't run from it- you face it. Go to the wedding. Don't listen to the insecure people here talking about you owe it to your wife not to go. Your wife stayed because she wanted to. She is responsible for that trust meaning she will either trust you or she won't. Ou can't make her secure but you can be honest and keep her in mind while moving about.

 

If she forgave you and you mess up again, you're a fool. I don't think you're a fool. Go to the wedding have fun with your friends and your wife. Don't exchange numbers or have any small talk with the lady.

 

Although you do have a very valid point, you seem a bit too harsh on the people here. People here became victims of emotional trauma you will never understand or fathom. Have a bit of tact.

----------------

 

For OP,

 

If I am your wife, these might be the things that I will think about. Consider this when you choose what to do:

 

1.) Our marriage has been rocky and unstable. It's both our fault for not working on our marriage but it's pointless to blame and point fingers. We both wanted to stay and work on our marriage.

 

2.) My Husband is susceptible to temptation. This has been proven twice. Even though, both of us suffered in our marital problems, he is the one who caved in first. These incidents proved to be a wake-up call for me to do something because I don't want to lose my husband and I still want my marriage. And work must be done.

 

3.) As much as I want to trust my husband fully, since he told me about his "almost" indiscretion, I can never be so sure if what he says is the complete truth. Friends who I confide with will start giving their opinions and advice and I will be confused and things will start going to my head, the longer I think about it. I might overthink, and doubt will set in. Eventually, what I want will be complete assurance from my husband that things are okay.

 

 

4.) My husband would like to attend his best friend's wedding where the "almost" other woman will also be present. Although, I do understand that his presence there is a must, I still can't help but feel nervous and anxious about the whole situation. Yes, I am threatened. I am still threatened. I shouldn't be because my husband and I already talked about this, but I can't help it. This is the woman who once had my husband's interest when our marriage showed a slight sign of a problem. He emotionally connected with this woman, and even if I shouldn't feel insecure, I can't help it. What if they see each other again? What if he finds her more attractive and compatible? Are we truly okay?

 

Wait, what if we just don't go since I am not yet confident that our marriage is strong enough? I really don't feel secure for it. I think I should tell my husband about what I feel.

 

5.) My husband says that he will come to the wedding no matter what. He says, he is his long-time best friend and he will come. As much as I understand his point, I can't help but feel hurt. I don't know what to think anymore.

 

........

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