Ex wants to reconcile [UPDATED]

[Riot21]

So this January I broke up with my ex because I felt his heart wasn't in it anymore and that he wasn't giving the relationship the same attention as he used to and there were many other reasons for ending this seven year relationship.

 

I tried to make it work with him after because I wanted him to appreciate what we had. He didn't want to come back after. We broke up in January and now it is July. My ex and I had been in contact this whole time, as we are good friends. But there would be times when I would cut contact to give myself a break.

 

All the sudden my ex talks about this phase of him not wanting to get together is ending quickly. Turns out he had a one night stand a couple of days before saying he wanted to reconcile. He now says he doesn't want to lose his best friend and appreciates what we have.

 

Last year he said the same thing about not wanting to lose his best friend after he broke up with me after I confronted him about coming home at 4 am and taking an Uber with another woman to his university from downtown.

 

Does he actually care or am I just being used? Should I move on? I am so invested I feel I have lost perspective on this.

 

He went from not caring about speaking to me and not reaching out (for about five months) to wanting to speak to me Daily and consider therapy together.

 

Seems very very odd to me but I don't know what to make of it. Also his good friend is moving to another country in a month.

 

Thank you.

[salparadise]

Nobody can tell you anything definitively. How old are you (and he)? Seven years is a long time. There seems to be an awful lot of drama... breaking up/making up. He has said that he wants the relationship and is suggesting counseling. After seven years you should have a pretty clear understanding as to whether this is the guy you want to spend your life with. If he's not, don't waste any more time. If he is, don't waste any more time. If the relationship is characterized by perpetual drama, don't waste any more time.

 

When you say, "...because I felt his heart wasn't in it anymore and that he wasn't giving the relationship the same attention as he used to and there were many other reasons...", what exactly were the many other reasons?

 

If you believe that after seven years a relationship should feel the same as it did in the beginning, you need to get a better grasp on reality. If you've been with this guy since your were twelve, you need to experience life separately.

 

Ultimately, you need to understand how you feel in the larger context, not just as a response to whether today is a push day or a pull day.

Edited July 15, 2017 by salparadise

[Riot21]

Nobody can tell you anything definitively. How old are you (and he)? Seven years is a long time. There seems to be an awful lot of drama... breaking up/making up. He has said that he wants the relationship and is suggesting counseling. After seven years you should have a pretty clear understanding as to whether this is the guy you want to spend your life with. If he's not, don't waste any more time. If he is, don't waste any more time. If the relationship is characterized by perpetual drama, don't waste any more time.

 

When you say, "...because I felt his heart wasn't in it anymore and that he wasn't giving the relationship the same attention as he used to and there were many other reasons...", what exactly were the many other reasons?

 

If you believe that after seven years a relationship should feel the same as it did in the beginning, you need to get a better grasp on reality. If you've been with this guy since your were twelve, you need to experience life separately.

 

Ultimately, you need to understand how you feel in the larger context, not just as a response to whether today is a push day or a pull day.

 

 

Well he also suggested counseling after he had a fling with someone else while we were together. He had kicked me out and uninvited me to his graduation after I inquired as to why he was home so late after being with another girl. He never did anything towards counseling after that. I just am afraid of living on hopes for the future and setting hope for the future based on promises of change. I am happy with him because he tells me all these great things will happen in the future and when they are not fulfilled I get disappointed. Guessing it may be time to move on. I don't want him to change his mind again about being with me and test out other options it's to come back to my wide open arms.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well he also suggested counseling after he had a fling with someone else while we were together. He had kicked me out and uninvited me to his graduation after I inquired as to why he was home so late after being with another girl. He never did anything towards counseling after that. I just am afraid of living on hopes for the future and setting hope for the future based on promises of change. I am happy with him because he tells me all these great things will happen in the future and when they are not fulfilled I get disappointed. Guessing it may be time to move on. I don't want him to change his mind again about being with me and test out other options it's to come back to my wide open arms.

 

Ugh, don't date low-quality men like this.

 

Seriously. This won't end well.

[salparadise]

I just am afraid of living on hopes for the future and setting hope for the future based on promises of change. I am happy with him because he tells me all these great things will happen in the future and when they are not fulfilled I get disappointed.

 

^ There you go. This is straight thinking.

 

Making decisions based on promises to change, esp. after it was tried and failed before, is living in denial. You said, "I am happy with him because he tells me all these great things will happen in the future..." That may not be unrealistic with someone you know to be consummately reliable, but I think what I hear you saying is that he is not, correct? After seven years you should know.

[SammySammy]

Does this feel like settling to you?

[Riot21]

What dits hard to know if I settled. We have a great time together and laugh a lot but I don't think I can trust him again to do the right thing. To follow through with what he says and to stay loyal to me even when other options are feasible. I chalked this up to lack of sexual experience but when does wanting to be other women sexually override having a healthy relationship. Everyone thinks of having sex outside of their relationship at times. But he says my behavior made him want to cheat on me in the past. Like what if it happens again? What do I tell him or do moving forward when I'm so hesitant?

[ExpatInItaly]

But he says my behavior made him want to cheat on me in the past.

 

I would kick his sorry butt to the curb just for that comment! What a hurtful, disrespectful and immature thing to say. That is a warning that when he cheats again, he will find a way to blame it on you.

 

He's not going to be your Happily-Ever-After. Free yourself to find a guy who would never even dream of uttering those words to you. They're out there. Stop wasting your time with this dud.

[Riot21]

Yeah. He said he always had to walk on eggshells with me and was unhappy and that led to him cheating because he couldn't take it anymore. I was like wow I had no idea you were so unhappy. I wasn't even given a fair shake to make things right again.

[SammySammy]

What dits hard to know if I settled. We have a great time together and laugh a lot but I don't think I can trust him again to do the right thing. To follow through with what he says and to stay loyal to me even when other options are feasible. I chalked this up to lack of sexual experience but when does wanting to be other women sexually override having a healthy relationship. Everyone thinks of having sex outside of their relationship at times. But he says my behavior made him want to cheat on me in the past. Like what if it happens again? What do I tell him or do moving forward when I'm so hesitant?

 

Do you really feel that you made him cheat?

 

Like ... he didn't want to, but he had no choice because you were forcing him to.

 

Is that true?

 

Or did he decide to cheat?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yeah. He said he always had to walk on eggshells with me and was unhappy and that led to him cheating because he couldn't take it anymore. I was like wow I had no idea you were so unhappy. I wasn't even given a fair shake to make things right again.

 

I believe this relationship is lost and I am not taking his side, but why would he make the comment that '...he always had to walk on eggshells...' and you had no idea? That demonstrates a clear divergence in your perspectives and how you both considered the relationship. I wonder if your relationship may have always been like this? Not on the same page, but tolerating enough to make believe it was fine? Perhaps? The fact that you say that you were not given a 'fair' shake at making things right leads me to believe that you had, in the past, at least talked about the difficulties?

[Riot21]

He never confronted me about anything. He would withdraw and I would ask him what's wrong and he would say nothing. So I never had any idea what was bothering him, what specific behaviors made him upset because he never showed the negative emotions. He just stopped showing all emotions and blamed depression for it. He didn't tell me until after he kicked me out when I asked him at length about what happened when he came home at 4 am. He got upset and said I can't take it anymore and broke up with me.

 

After a month he said he didn't want to lose his best friend and we got back together. Eight months later he began to be unhappy and quiet again and withdrew. I asked and he blamed being too busy to really spend time with me. I could see he just wasn't into me and we broke it off. He didn't want to get back together for like five months then out of the blue after a one night stand he said this phase of wanting to be single was ending. That I was his best friend. That it would be a shame if he lost that. The same story as before.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You say you two were together 7-yrs. Dating the entire time? Were you ever best friends w/o the romantic component?

 

I am wondering if this shutting down was something you had seen prior to dating him or early on. How was your physical relationship?

 

It sounds like to me that he was getting a bored with the relationship as is. When he went out to have his flings, he was probably trying to exploring the possibility of ending things IF the flings had worked out and was as he expected it could be. Once he realized that they were not, he 'found' his way back to you. To the woman who love him and was there for him. His 'best friend.'

 

He sounds too passive aggressive. A poor communicator from what I can tell.

[kendahke]

I guess you need to find out what psychological work has he done on himself to where whatever issues it was for him that broke you two up have been resolved because if he has done nothing in this respect, then you will be repeating whatever it was that set the first break up in motion.

 

I think having a realization that after mediocre sex, he suddenly doesn't want to lose you is flimsy, because what happens if he meets someone new who he has great sex with? Is he going to throw you over once again and use the line about not wanting to lose your friendship?

 

He's only coming back because it's familiar to him and he doesn't want to go without until he finds someone new to leave you over. I vote for not giving him a second chance to do the same thing to you--at least not without him going in for some therapy to resolve whatever it was that made him dump you the first time.

 

And curb your interaction with him--that is doing more to cloud your judgment than anything else.

[kendahke]

The same story as before.

 

Apparently, that story works like a charm on you.

 

Time to write a new chapter and burn the book.

[Riot21]

I mean honestly I just didn't feel appreciated. He always made it seem like he had to put in so much effort to make me happy. I mean I think I wanted normal stuff after seven years. I wished he would try to act excited to go to my family gatherings (I stopped inviting him because I saw how uncomfortable he was and he didn't seem to care about that at all), ask me to go on vacation with his family like we had always done in the past, he would come over and get upset at me for being upset he was constantly late to see me (yet I told him to come to my place thirty minutes before I anticipated being there- of course his is the one night he was on time and he pouted for a while that I made him wait), he didn't seem interested in planning things with me (I always made the plans because he said he is just lazier than me), and he always always talked about marriage and kids in the far future and how it would be great but never made any sort of plans towards a proposal or thinking of any kind of wedding things despite him always saying he'd wanna marry me in the future.

 

I'm just pissed why would someone string someone along for so long, tell them they love them, lie to them, make excuses for behavior, but claim they love this person even though they can see their behavior upsets the person!? Like why would someone voluntarily put themselves in a situation like that?? Like he could have changed behaviors or try to work through problems with me to make for a happier relationship or just left!! He resents me because he didn't get to go wild in college because he had a girlfriend, and he NEVER told me this in college. I thought he was happy and thought he was a lucky guy. This is absolutely bull that someone would do that, I feel like I was lied to for year. How can someone fake a relationship and love even though the other person is clearly in love with you but you don't feel the same way. That is so incredibly cruel to do to anyone. Are other people like this?

[kendahke]

I mean honestly I just didn't feel appreciated. He always made it seem like he had to put in so much effort to make me happy. I mean I think I wanted normal stuff after seven years. I wished he would try to act excited to go to my family gatherings (I stopped inviting him because I saw how uncomfortable he was and he didn't seem to care about that at all), ask me to go on vacation with his family like we had always done in the past, he would come over and get upset at me for being upset he was constantly late to see me (yet I told him to come to my place thirty minutes before I anticipated being there- of course his is the one night he was on time and he pouted for a while that I made him wait), he didn't seem interested in planning things with me (I always made the plans because he said he is just lazier than me), and he always always talked about marriage and kids in the far future and how it would be great but never made any sort of plans towards a proposal or thinking of any kind of wedding things despite him always saying he'd wanna marry me in the future.

 

Based on all of this, I'm wondering why you didn't have him on block?

 

As to this, let's switch this up a bit:

I'm just pissed why would I allow myself to be strung along for so long, when they tell me they love me, lie to me, be ok with them making excuses for behavior as they claim they love me even though their behavior upsets me!? Like why would I voluntarily put myself in a situation like that?? I already knew he could have changed behaviors or try to work through problems with me to make for a happier relationship or just left!! I am ok with him resenting me because he didn't get to go wild in college because he had a girlfriend, and he NEVER told me this in college by virtue of the fact that I tolerated it then after we broke up, decided to go back in for another round. I thought he was happy and thought he was a lucky guy. This is absolutely bull that I would allow him to do that, I lied to myself for year. How could I give myself permission to be part of faking a relationship and love even though I was clearly in love with him but it was clear for a long time that he don't feel the same way. That is so incredibly cruel to do to myself.

 

This is more the case here. Take responsibility for what you allowed to happen. Doesn't matter what your intentions where--the fact is he had to have your express permission to proceed the second time he popped up.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

 

It's not like you didn't know what he was capable of when the phone notified you that he was contacting you again. He should not have been able to ring through in the first place. You let the fox into the chicken coop--he didn't let himself in.

 

Are other people like this?

 

Yes. You have to be ruthless in guarding your boundaries and to not let someone back in who has already done emotional damage to you. You have a laundry list of reasons why it was a bad idea to try with him again and at the end of it, the person who 'greenlighted' this was you. It would help immensely for you to get to the root of why and to pull that weed out once and for all.

Edited July 19, 2017 by kendahke

[Riot21]

I feel guilty because I feel this is my fault. I was over emotional. I was too needy. I was too attached. I drove him away in my mind. But I think he is a good guy because he stood by my side because he loved me and didn't want to see me be unhappy even though he was unhappy. i feel stupid because I put so much pressure on him to see him and hangout and do stuff because he wouldn't do it on his own and I feel he had to lie to me because he said "you don't handle the truth well"

 

It sucks because I feel I am screwed for future relationships and that I lost a decent guy even though he did mean things to me at times but it's my fault he acted that way because I drove him away but he was nice and loving and loved me so he stayed even though he want happy.

 

It's so confusing and I keep beating myself up about it.

[Cookiesandough]

No, it's not worth it to go back. You, like me, are a victim of the force dump. While you dumped him, you are still somewhat a dumpee because he made the rship so unbearable that you were forced to leave. He is the one who checked out first, but you are still blaming yourself for ending it. What's happening now is he's realize the grass isn't so green on the other side and throwing out bread crumbs in the typical dumper fashion. You would probably get better responses in the breakup section. The commenters there are much more versed in this situation and can explain it better.

[Riot21]

Reposting this in the appropriate category:

 

So this January I broke up with my ex because I felt his heart wasn't in it anymore and that he wasn't giving the relationship the same attention as he used to and there were many other reasons for ending this seven year relationship. He seemed uninterested and Not excited. I would try to talk to

Him but past issues would come up and he would say life is too short to be upset and I still haven't forgiven him after he left for someone else last May 2016 and came back after saying I was his best friend and that he wanted things to work and go to therapy.

 

I was horribly mean after our breakup because I haven't let go of all the lies he has told me in the past. He says I do not take the truth well. We met up after the breakup and things seemed to go well and I thought he had changed (a month later) when I asked him to consider working things or together. He wanted us to mature but not be together. To grow as people but not separately and to not date. We broke up in January and now it is July. My ex and I had been in contact this whole time, as we are good friends. But I told him he needs to make up his mind as I won't wait for him and begged the question of what the rush was when I told him I'm trying to move on and find someone else.

 

All the sudden my ex talks about this phase of him not wanting to get together is ending quickly. Turns out he had a one night stand a couple of days before saying he wanted to reconcile. He now says he doesn't want to lose his best friend and appreciates what we have.

 

Last year he said the same thing about not wanting to lose his best friend after he broke up with me after I confronted him about coming home at 4 am and taking an Uber with another woman to his university from downtown.

 

Does he actually care or am I just being used? Should I move on? I am so invested I feel I have lost perspective on this.

 

He went from not reaching out (for about five months) to wanting to speak to me Daily and consider therapy together, just like he said after I found out about that other girl. I'm still not over it and it has been a year.

 

Also his good friend is moving to another country in a month.

 

I feel guilty because I feel this is my fault that this relationship didn't workout. I was over emotional. I was too needy. I was too attached. I drove him away in my mind. But I think he is a good guy because he stood by my side because he loved me despite these shortcoming and he claims he didn't want to see me be unhappy even though he was unhappy. i feel stupid because I put so much pressure on him to see him and hangout and do stuff because he wouldn't initiate it on his own because he says he is lazy. I feel he had to lie to me because he said "you don't handle the truth well"

 

Yet, I feel he is dishonest as a person in his normal life too. For example. This summer his lease was up at his apartment and was up for renewal. He found a great deal at another apartment but he would have to pay a higher rent for a few months since he didn't give a sixty day notice. The apartment complex was taken over by a new company in the previous year. He then wrote a handwritten note stating he would move out by like May 7th 2017 and gave it to the leasing office and said the old company must have lost the original copy of this document but thankfully he had made a copy. He got out of his lease with no issues. He was very proud of this when he told me. I know this is very clever But it just plays into the narrative of me not trusting him.

 

It's so confusing and I keep beating myself up about It and how if I had only shut my mouth more and been more and been more accepting of things and forgiving everything would be great.

[Been]

You have to let him go. Because if you don't and you take him back the same problems that occurred in the past will surface. And even if they don't you will never trust him again fully-he broke that trust.

And you will always be questioning every thing or doubting yourself.

Don't put yourself through that. It really isn't worth it.

[BluesPower]

This is simple...

 

If someone will lie about the little things (the lease) they will lie about the big things (loving you or cheating).

 

It is called character, and he does not have it. He has cheated on you, what twice that you know of? And you are not married and you choose to stay with him?

 

You are not married and you have no children so really, just move on.

 

Why do you want to stay with your "Best friend". Wouldn't you rather be with someone that is madly in love with you? Someone that can't live with out you? Someone that chooses you above all others?

 

Yeah, it is time to move on...

[guest569]

It sounds to me that you might be trying to convince yourself that it was all your fault and that the issues that led you to break things off were insignificant. After a breakup it can be hard to hold your ground as you're feeling all sorts of crazy emotions. Has he done anything that has demonstrated that he has changed and the problems are not there anymore?

[ExpatInItaly]

I have read and participated in your other threads about him.

 

In my opinion, this relationship died a long time ago but he knows he can come back whenever he feels like it. But he will more than likely leave you again.

 

I think it is time for you to truly move on and leave this broken relationship in your past.

[guest569]

 

It's so confusing and I keep beating myself up about It and how if I had only shut my mouth more and been more and been more accepting of things and forgiving everything would be great.

 

You mean like a doormat? How did you feel during the demise of the relationship and when you found that he had lied to you?

 

"You can't handle the truth " is a good reason to repeatedly lie to someone?? No way! Why are you doubting yourself? You blame yourseld for not trusting..How could you trust a liar?