Ex wants to reconcile [UPDATED]

[preraph]

And he's lying now. Look chronic Liars are a special breed and they do not stop lying. They just try a different type of strategy involving more lying. There is no good future with a chronic liar so do not even consider getting back together with him. If you can't do better than a chronic liar then do without.

[Redhead14]

if I had only shut my mouth more and been more and been more accepting of things and forgiving everything would be great.

 

Said every doormat throughout time . . . pick up the mat and close the door once and for all.

[Greenhawk84]

Neither of you can let go because you allow yourselves to be "sort of kinda" forever. You both have to 100% be on board RIGHT NOW or part ways for good. No more "friends kinda thing lovers maybe."

[trustyourself]

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

I have been experiencing a similar roller coaster with my ex.

 

She has broken up with me several times over a two year period. First at 8 months, second at 18 months, and the most recent effort (after 6 months of being BU)only lasted 3 weeks, then she met someone else and dumped me to be with him.

 

Every single breakup has been due to trust issues, lying, emotional cheating all instigated by her. Apart from apologizing and saying that she loved me and needed me and missed me, she never did ONE THING to change, or make an effort. As soon as it would get serious or there would be an issue from the situations she created, she dumps me.

 

I truly believed we could make it work, but I now understand that I was the one working on fixing everything, and she did nothing and just wanted to have fun.

 

My relationship, and yours, is toxic.

 

There is no fixing who they are.

 

Be strong. I am trying to be.

[Riot21]

So doesn't he seem that he is just an untrustworthy person in general or did I make him that way with our relationship dynamics?

 

Are people who lie just liars in general and will do what they can to benefit themselves even under the guise of "not wanting to hurt others" or to "keep the peace"

[trustyourself]

So doesn't he seem that he is just an untrustworthy person in general or did I make him that way with our relationship dynamics?

 

Are people who lie just liars in general and will do what they can to benefit themselves even under the guise of "not wanting to hurt others" or to "keep the peace"

 

Listen, I have been going through something similar. And I feel your confusion and pain.

 

But... I have realized that my exes actions show that she does not want to be with me. Be it because she thinks there might be something better out there, or what we had was not exciting enough, or that she loves me, but is just not that into me. So I am a backup.

 

She lies about stuff to make it look like I am being crazy, but in reality, she does it so she doesn't feel guilty, and when she breaks it off or disappears, it is never with full closure, which leaves me hanging on.

 

This looks like what is happening to you, and I am telling you to cut the cord now. I did not, and she did it over and over, and then met someone else and bam! She didn't even have the balls to tell me. Mutual friends told me a couple of days later.

 

Don't set yourself up for that kind of hurt.

 

Don't give him all the power. You will be miserable walking on eggshells when you are with him, and it will just be even more painful when he pulls the plug again.

 

You deserve better than that.

[Riot21]

So all in all do y'all think this is just another ploy and he is a scammer? Does he actually love me? I love him and he is my best friend but he seems distant most of the time!! And this is twice now he has said he doesn't want to be with me only to come back after being with another woman! We weren't dating when he was with the second woman but it was strange he came back to me saying this phase of him wanting to be single was over right after the other woman.

[marky00]

Most of the time, this sort of behaviour is just them dealing with guilt.

 

 

He sounds a little narcissistic and narcs need to preserve their image at all costs, even if that means them trying to dump a boat load of guilt at your doorstep (which only helps them and does nothing for the dumpee).

 

 

I don't think he's scheming and I don't think it's planned. It's just the way dumpers act once the decision has been made. Narcs make it worse by pretending to care but it really all about them. Someone who cared about you, would leave you alone completely so that you can heal.

 

 

People often ask how do you know if the dumper wants to reconcile. After posting on here for several years, I think I can give a clear answer to that question now.

 

 

If they are only asking about your life and not divulging much about their life, then they are not interested in a reconciliation. Essentially, they show a vulnerability (which basically equates to them divulging stuff about their life and their feelings). Think about someone you once loved, all you want to do is tell them how your day went etc. Asking the dumpee about their life but not divulging anything about their's is a one-sided dynamic that is unhealthy and will never turn into anything more substantial.

Edited July 28, 2017 by marky00

[Riot21]

But I broke up with him. We started talking again and he said he wanted time for us to mature and be apart and for us to work on eachother and the relationship but still be single. I asked is he was seeing anyone or dating anyone and he said no. Turns out he was dating girls and slept with one and that's when he came back saying this phase of wanting to be single was ending quickly.

 

I am so confused because last year he broke up with me and kicked me out of his apartment and uninvited me to his graduation after I confronted him about deleting my contact info and number in his phone after a night out and after coming home at 4 am and claiming he helped his female friend find her car for four hours and he wanted to help her cause he wasn't just going to leave her there alone. He then said the same things as he is now. He doesn't want to lose our friendship. He was frustrated with the relationship. He wants it to work and go to therapy.

 

I feel like i can see his side since he lost his virginity to me and I have voiced my concern about this and he said he only wanted me yet has done all this stuff behind my back to be with other women. It's so strange and confusing and I don't want to be hurt yet again.

[trustyourself]

But I broke up with him. We started talking again and he said he wanted time for us to mature and be apart and for us to work on eachother and the relationship but still be single. I asked is he was seeing anyone or dating anyone and he said no. Turns out he was dating girls and slept with one and that's when he came back saying this phase of wanting to be single was ending quickly.

 

I am so confused because last year he broke up with me and kicked me out of his apartment and uninvited me to his graduation after I confronted him about deleting my contact info and number in his phone after a night out and after coming home at 4 am and claiming he helped his female friend find her car for four hours and he wanted to help her cause he wasn't just going to leave her there alone. He then said the same things as he is now. He doesn't want to lose our friendship. He was frustrated with the relationship. He wants it to work and go to therapy.

 

I feel like i can see his side since he lost his virginity to me and I have voiced my concern about this and he said he only wanted me yet has done all this stuff behind my back to be with other women. It's so strange and confusing and I don't want to be hurt yet again.

 

At the end of the day, the decision about how you proceed lies with you.

 

My ex was back and forth back and forth, and I made the mistake of taking her back twice. I regret it now.

 

I am sure he loves you, but its not the complete love you feel for him. It seems like you both have doubts.

 

Would you prefer to be hurt now and heal, or be hurt over and over? From personal experience, it hurts more each time. You need to do what is in your best interests.

[marky00]

You were the official dumper but for all intensive purposes, your are the dumpee here.

 

 

At Loveshack, we call it the Forced Dump. You ended it but felt forced to do so because your instinct was telling you he was not as invested as he should be.

 

 

A few very strong minded people (who were victims of the forced dump) will know they made the right decision and leave it there. But, the majority will struggle with the fact they made a decision that they had no desire to make. To make matters worse, the dumpee walks away quite easily, making the forced dumper regret their decision even more.

 

 

It took guts for you to dump in this case but there is a hidden lesson here. Unless you sure you can dump and walk away, then you probably shouldn't do it. That takes a lot of mental strength and sometimes you have to be honest with yourself if you don't think you can totally follow through with it.

 

 

Sure, letting things drag out more and letting him end it would have sucked as well but you would not have had the burden on your mind that you ended something that you didn't want to end.

 

 

Either way, its a crap situation... you just have to know which of the two is lesser of the two evils.

[Riot21]

I definitely contributed as I was so so broken by him making me move out and seeing another woman while we were dating. I tried so hard to make things work but my confidence was ruined. I didn't trust him. I didn't feel content with him after at all. What hurt the most was that I didn't even know he was unhappy. We never discussed it. He just withdrew like a weenie and sex stopped and I asked him everything and tried to get him to open up.

 

I want things to work. We understand each other and grew up together which is beautiful but the lack of communication and lies about feelings and such will haunt me.

 

Am I correct in me being upset he lied about seeing others for months after we broke up and I was asking for reconciliation?

 

I feel so much guilty but he LITERALLY WAS ON DATING SITES TWO WEEKS AFTER WE BROKEUP. And he lied about that too to me when I asked. I get it we are broken up but he really wanted to be friends after and I wanted reconciliation because I left for him to appreciate what he had and I guess it turns out he was happier alone but wanted to keep an open line of communication for us to talk after we mature.

 

I know both parties are responsible I just don't wanna be screwed around. He is such a nice guy and has never hit me or called me a mean name or done anything malicious so this behavior is confusing to me!!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

How does this:

I was so so broken by him making me move out and seeing another woman while we were dating.

 

Line up with this:

He is such a nice guy and has never hit me or called me a mean name or done anything malicious

 

Your standards are far too low, OP. Yes, it's good he's never hit you or called you names, but that should be the norm anyway. Just because he's never struck you or called you a nasty name does not mean this was an otherwise healthy and sustainable relationship.

 

Growing up together is also not a good enough reason to stay with someone who clearly does not love you anymore.

 

This is over and has been for quite some time. You need to preserve your remaining dignity and move on. He isn't the one you're going to wind up with forever.

[marky00]

Your missing the point.

 

 

He is NOT INVESTED in the relationship and this has been the case for quite a while.

 

 

Stop feeling guilty. It's a wasted emotion because he does not care.

 

 

Regarding his lies and cheating, again, it doesn't matter. Once your partner starts lying and cheating, the relationship was already over. Victims of cheating tend to latch on to that since they feel they can use it as ammunition against their cheating partner.

 

 

The reality is but, he was cheating because his feelings for you were no longer strong. Cheating is just one of the symptoms of a relationship that wasn't working.

 

 

If it was a once off, his cheating could have been just a silly horny mistake. But the way you describe it, he was cheating on you because he wasn't invested in your relationship. It's a hard pill to swallow but until you do, you won't get over him and the failed relationship.

[Riot21]

I told him now I'm not waiting for him. I will no longer contact him unless he says he is one hundred percent committed to make this work. He responded with "why are you putting so much pressure on this?" And why do you want to be in a relationship again so quickly? He says he has no intentions of trying to start another relationship with someone else because it is too stressful. I told him I'm not waiting for him to be ready. I am moving on and doing what is best for me we have different goals. He said it would be hard to see each other because I work 2-10 pm but I said we could see each other on weeks and he responds with "but people do stuff on weekends"

 

He also said that he has this male need to have sex with lots of women which I understand because I took his virginity. He said that fact pales in comparison to a fulfilling committed relationship though and suggested a threesome potentially and sex toys to make things more exciting if we do get back together. I already have done so many crazy sex things with him. Public sex, clamps, buttplugs, costumes, going to strip clubs togehter, watching porn together, penis rings, vibrators, role play. I don't know what else he could want me to do. I have done everything and been open to everything he asks of me sexually and it's still not enough. I am in amazing shape and workout five days a week and many people on Instagram follow me as body inspiration. It just sucks working so hard and it's still not appreciated.

[Riot21]

Why is he inquiring as to why I want another relationship so quickly? Even though he doesn't want to be in one with me? He was like making me feel weird for wanting to try to date others and find someone who appreciates me.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP - just stop. This guy is a clown. He meant why do you want a relationship with him so quickly. I don't think he'd care all that much if you found someone else.

 

He is treating you like his doormat. And you are enabling it. You can keep going back for more if you want, but you're going to keep getting the same result: heartbreak.

Edited August 2, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Riot21]

Sorry meant to say he emphasized why I was in such a rush to meet someone else!! Like it's my right to be happy and I told him if he can't commit then that is fine. If he wants to be single and meet new women then that's fine but I said I'll be moving on and open myself up to dating new people.

[marky00]

OP, I notice you ask a lot of questions but then don't even read the answers.

 

 

Your going down the rabbit hole here.

[Riot21]

Was upset with my ex who I dated for seven years because he said he wants to make things work yet he spends all his free time away from me. He spends it with his family who he works with everyday or his brother who is his roomie.

 

I told him I was upset that he doesn't prioritize seeing me and told him things aren't going to work if he continues to not try and make plans with me. He of course said he was just always too busy to see me in his free time and was always trying to do his best.

 

I basically told him people find time for the people who they care about. And haven't talked to him in six days and he hasn't even attempted to reach out. What does this mean?

[d0nnivain]

It means that he took your conversation as you breaking up with him & he didn't care enough to persuade you to do otherwise.

[Zahara]

Why do you keep holding onto this relationship? You've created thread after thread about the mistreatment that you've felt while with him.

 

Now that you have placed a boundary and an expectation, he's decided he does not care to deal with it and is taking your terms seriously. You need to do the same.

[Riot21]

Why do you keep holding onto this relationship? You've created thread after thread about the mistreatment that you've felt while with him.

 

Now that you have placed a boundary and an expectation, he's decided he does not care to deal with it and is taking your terms seriously. You need to do the same.

 

It is hard for me to let go because I feel partially responsible for his ****ty behavior. That my actions caused him to do what he does and if only I had been a nicer and better girlfriend he would still be the same nice guy he was when we first met. But, due to me acting certain ways he has told me it made him act poorly. It just is so sad thinking that another girl will get the version of this guy that I always wanted him to be if she is a nice and decent person.

[Redhead14]

It means he realizes that you have finally gotten the message that you are not a priority to him and is now trying to move on.

 

I basically told him people find time for the people who they care about. -- And . . . ???? You're right people do find time for the people they care about . . . he doesn't have time for you.

 

Sorry to be harsh, but the writing is and has been on the wall for a long time. You just didn't like what you've been reading. It sounds to me like you've been stringing yourself for a long time. I'm being harsh because you seem to be slow on the uptake here. Even if he does contact you, he's not going to change.

 

You don't have to do this anymore so you should be relieved. Get focused on YOU and your life and find someone who does make time for you on a regular basis.

[Zahara]

It is hard for me to let go because I feel partially responsible for his ****ty behavior. That my actions caused him to do what he does and if only I had been a nicer and better girlfriend he would still be the same nice guy he was when we first met. But, due to me acting certain ways he has told me it made him act poorly. It just is so sad thinking that another girl will get the version of this guy that I always wanted him to be if she is a nice and decent person.

 

You both are incompatible and dysfunctional.

 

You keep creating thread after thread -- no amount of going back to him will change the dynamics of your relationship. No matter how many times you bang your head against the wall. You both trigger each other's issues and it's a vicious cycle.

 

You can keep reiterating to him over and over again you want ABC, you are not going to get ABC. It's time to accept that the relationship is broken and end it.

 

Just as he will meet someone new, so will you and maybe the future holds much better prospects for you both than what you two have with each other now.