Wife is overly sensitive & hurt often

[newwed]

I just got married, and my wife gets easily offended and hurt. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. She's very sensitive. I'm looking for advice on how to best keep the peace. Please help me understand and how to better react. I get exhausted and emotionally drained. Then she get's angry and insists that I'm angry, when I'm not. I'm simply drained and tired.

 

Some things that have happened:

 

1) She needed to change her cell phone number so I asked if she wanted to keep her old phone or get a new phone. She said that we had already agreed that we would give her mom her old phone. I said, "oh sorry, that's right, I forgot. Yes, well do that." But she went silent on me for an hour, and kept saying she's fine, she's fine. Finally after an hour of patiently and gently coaxing her to express herself to me, she started crying and said, "I can't believe that you forgot that we had previously agreed to give my mom my phone." (Now we were not inconveniencing her mom, in fact we didn't even change her number yet. She was just hurt because I forgot for 5 seconds that her mom was getting her phone.)

 

2) Another instance today: We needed to return a package and she asked me if I wanted to feel the fabric we were returning. (It was already packed up and she wanted to buy the exact same fabric, just bigger.) I asked her not to open it, because it was sealed up with sticky tape. She proceeded to open and close, open and close, and told me, "Don't tell me what to do". After about 3 times, she left it close. I expressed to her that the item was used, and I just wanted to make sure the tape held and looked almost new. She said, "It's already used, so what's the difference". After this, we went to measure something 6 inches strait. She asked me why was I using a ruler, instead of a tape measure. I said, thank you for telling me what to do. (In an even, quiet tone) She got very defensive and asked me, "What do you think you're saying?" I expressed that I was sharing her own experience with her. She got extremely angry and stomped off.

 

I could go on, but I think this is enough.

Edited July 26, 2017 by newwed

[basil67]

I assume you knew her and her emotions before you married her. Has she changed or has she always been this way?

 

Oh, and regarding the measurement thing, she asked you a question (albeit a dumb question), she didn't tell you what to do. Why did you answer in such a rude manner? You could have simply said that each measures equally well.

[Bufo]

Are her parents still together? If so observe their interaction. If MIL treats FIL in the same domineering way, you have a movie of your future. BTDT with the first gal I thought about marrying. But i saw too many similarities between mother and daughter.

 

Unless you move to Stepford which I think is somewhere in CT you are not going to change her basic personality. Hoping for change is a fool's errand.

MC is more than likely a waste of time and money here. Maybe an MC can help her see that her habit of perpetually instructing you and questioning you is unacceptable to you, but that doesn't guarantee a change of ingrained behavior.

 

I have been wrong before. But carefully evaluate your situation now before house, mortgage, kids, etc.

[knabe]

I was set to scold you....but yeah, she really seems...immature? You forgot for 5 seconds about the phone arrangements and she gives you the silent treatment? She pulls a temper tantrum and opens and reseals something repeatedly because you ASKED her not to open a sealed package? That's like when you tell a 3 year old not to touch something, and he puts his finger right up to it over and over. How old is this girl? She's gonna need to get a grip if she's going to weather adulthood.

 

I'll ask what the first responder asked, has she always been this way? Also, did you move far away from her family, and could she be missing them? Could she unknowingly be pregnant and having hormone shifts? If the answer to these is no, I have no idea what is going on, but I feel for you.

[somanymistakes]

I was set to scold you....but yeah, she really seems...immature? You forgot for 5 seconds about the phone arrangements and she gives you the silent treatment? She pulls a temper tantrum and opens and reseals something repeatedly because you ASKED her not to open a sealed package? That's like when you tell a 3 year old not to touch something, and he puts his finger right up to it over and over. How old is this girl? She's gonna need to get a grip if she's going to weather adulthood.

 

On the other hand context is everything.

 

Just for argument's sake, it's also possible to imagine it this way:

 

"What are we doing with the phones?"

"I already told you we were doing X"

"Oh right, sorry."

"*sigh*"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"C'mon, what's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

 

Cue an entire hour of badgering by the OP demanding that she tell him what the problem is, after which, tired and frustrated, she bursts into tears and complains about him having forgotten about the phone thing... because she has to complain about something in order to get him to stop pestering her, when if he'd left it alone it might have been nothing more than a "sigh... you always forget the things i tell you."

 

Did it happen this way? I certainly wouldn't know, I wasn't there. I just know that this kind of thing is totally possible with an overly sensitive person, and it's the kind of miscommunication a frustrated spouse might easily misunderstand.

 

As for the tape, again if I'm trying to be generous and find an explanation from the side of a sensitive person:

 

"Hey, would you like to feel this fabric? It feels pretty neat."

"(snaps) Don't open that! I already taped it!"

 

so not only not answering her question, but snapping at her like she's a misbehaving child, might indeed prompt her to behave in a slightly bratty manner.

 

Again, I have no idea if this is how it went down from her perspective or any other, just demonstrating how events CAN look very different depending on the context they're being viewed through.

 

I'm guessing she probably is fairly young, though.

[mikeylo]

Marriage is a different ball game and takes time to get used to to each other even if you've dating for a while.

 

Did you not know before that she was sensitive? It's normal for them to feel more than others.

[elaine567]

On the other hand context is everything.

 

Exactly.

 

We need more answers.

How old is this woman?

What are the circumstances of the marriage?

Is this a love match or an arranged marriage?

Has she always been a sensitive soul or is the way the marriage is going atm making her so?

 

etc. etc.

[wmacbride]

I can't offer any advice, because you have taken two instances out of context. I don't know what was going on when she said these things, or what went on beforehand.

[SammySammy]

Emotionally manipulative. She's skilled at using her emotions as a weapon. To get a certain response or to control your behavior.

 

The answer is ... don't respond. Just ignore her. She'll soon stop when it can no longer be used as a tool to "make you walk on eggshells". Yeah, she's doing that on purpose.

 

Of course you should be kind and considerate of people's feelings. Just don't participate when they weild their emotions negatively.

[knabe]

I think basing advice on agenda-driven suppositions of the husband's actions is not necessarily objective.

 

When I was in my early 20's I was pretty sensitive. I've learned over the years that when people forget something temporarily or ASK me not to do something, it's really NOT a big deal.

 

It's pretty easy to tell when a highly sensitive person is upset. If a concerned person asks what is wrong and they do the silent, distant "fine" thing for hours, it's because they are stewing. It's not rocket science.

 

I agree that this seems like passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

[olivetree]

When someone seems to make a big deal out of nothing, that nothing is not usually what the person is upset about.

I suspect she is feeling a lack of love in the relationship with you.

[wmacbride]

I think basing advice on agenda-driven suppositions of the husband's actions is not necessarily objective.

 

When I was in my early 20's I was pretty sensitive. I've learned over the years that when people forget something temporarily or ASK me not to do something, it's really NOT a big deal.

 

It's pretty easy to tell when a highly sensitive person is upset. If a concerned person asks what is wrong and they do the silent, distant "fine" thing for hours, it's because they are stewing. It's not rocket science.

 

I agree that this seems like passive aggressive behavior and manipulation.

 

Actually, I do this sometimes too but it's not emotionally manipulative.

 

I do it because I really haven't crystallized my feelings into words and sometimes, I don't tell him because I know my feelings about the issue in question may come off as petty, so it's better to be silent. If I told him, at that point in time, how I was feeling, he might not be too impressed with the answer ;D . I will say that my husband used to badger me like that. He wasn't trying to pester, and he really thought he as helping me. I explained why I am like that sometimes, and it really helped. Now, I just tell him I need some time before I can talk about it, and he's fine with that.

 

I said it's impossible to give specific advice in this situation, as they are taken out of context. We don't know their marriage, we don't know what was going on before these two incidents, we don't know the op's personality or any of the history involved. The op could be a great guy or he could be a heel.

 

op,

can you provide any more details? When do these sorts of events tend to occur? Do they seem to happen at certain times, or do they occur randomly? Is she really stressed about something in her life?

 

Lastly, have you ever told her how much this bothers you? If not, you should. It's pretty unfair to blame someone for upsetting you if they don't know they are, especially if she was like this before you married her.

 

I do want to commend you for seeking help, and I hope you and your wife can work though it. If you two handle it well, you can actually turn this into something that builds your marriage up instead of breaking it down.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I need more details to answer properly.

[ayoung73]

Those are very frustrating examples, I can see why you have reached out for advice. Without knowing more, it seems as if there is a lack of communication between the two of you and something may be bothering her. Withdrawing may be her way of collecting herself and actively working through the issue before coming out and entering into a conversation. The bottom line, something is amiss and you both need to find a way to work on the marriage.

 

As someone else in this thread remarked, marriage isn’t easy, like any relationship it takes work, and daily upkeep. Show her what for better or worse really means, dig deeper and try to find out the problem, and there is no shame in seeking professional help, like a marriage counselor. Everything you described is indicative of another issue, but nothing that isn’t too large to tackle.

[hammyy2k]

its your choice to marry her, now stop complaining