Insecure sexually after wife's affair

[GavinM]

My wife and I are going through a reconciliation after her affair. I have forgiven her, still love her dearly and we have two young children. For the most part things are going well between us.

 

Her affair was not emotional, it was almost purely physical, so in most ways this has made our reconciliation easier. However, in others this is more difficult. Previously, I acknowledge our sex life wasnt great, hence the reason for her affair. I found evidence of the affair, as well as I insisted on certain details so I know that she had the type of sex with him that we both have wanted in our marriage. Knowing what I am compared against along with my longstanding insecurities have made my performance in the bedroom even worse. She has been very patient and affectionate but its obvious to me that her actions are all for me.

 

So i have many concerns. I worry that my insecurity is causing other negative impacts in our relationship, that my performance is even worse now. I worry that my wife is missing out on something that is very important to her and finally that the reasons that drove her to her affair will resurface. Although she has promised me she wont.

 

I would be interested in hearing from others who have been through this and how you dealt with the the insecurity. Especially if there was a sexual mismatch between expectations or past experiences of one partner and the reality of your sex life.

Thanks

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to MLP

[BetrayedH]

How long ago was Dday? It takes a long time before your triggers are more manageable. And sex will certainly be a major trigger for you since her affair was (in your mind) primarily sexual.

[BluesPower]

It is pretty hard to help... you if you don't give us some details.

 

How long was the affair?

 

How long ago was DDay?

 

What are your sexual problems?

 

What was it about the affair sex that was so great.

 

We have heard it all so don't be shy.

[4fin]

There was a guy on here recently who by all accounts (especially his) was a great lover. His thread is something like how important is great sex to women. The vast majority of women put being a great lover way below other factors in importance. This guy in particular could not maintain a long term relationship. We are all package deals. I'd rather be a less competent lover than a cheater and many women feel the same way. I haven't experienced what you're going through and may have the same feelings you do but if you read up on it there's a reason. I think if most wives looked back on past partners one may/will stick out but she didn't pick him. It's not the be all end all.

[WilyWill]

Haven't been through what you went through, but I'm in a marriage that was sexless for a very long time, while I waited for my wife to be "ready". It takes its toll on you, feeling like you're not man enough for your wife. I love my wife, but it did permanent damage to my ego and my marriage. I can definitely related to the "mismatch" aspect of which you speak.

 

You should not be blaming yourself for her affair. If she had problems with the marriage, she should have presented them to you. If the problems could not be solved, she should have divorced you before taking up with another man. This is all on her, and I hope she's apologized adequately and taken full responsibility. And, as strange as it sounds, I hope you've been sufficiently hard on her to make her recognize how intimidating you can be and how you're not someone to be trifled with. Many wives need to see this side of their husband in order to respect and love him.

 

If anything, you need to work on being more independent from her, believing in your own masculinity and power regardless of how you think she views you. Some guys go to the gym, take up hobbies, etc. that give them this sense of self-worth that comes from within. Then, in turn, this makes them more attractive to women. The wife often takes notice and steps up her game. Many men have found two books very helpful: Married Man's Sex Life Primer and No More Mister Nice Guy, often abbreviated as MMSLP and NMMNG, respectively. These can be found online as PDFs for free.

 

Are you sure you want to stay with her after the damage she's done to you though? There are billions of women in this world. Many of them would make loving and passionate wives for a guy who is decent and caring (these personality traits of yours are already apparent from what you've written so far). Nice guys don't always have to finish last. To value you fully, she needs to understand that she could lose you tomorrow.

 

Frankly, I'm not sure I could ever get over it if my wife cheated on me. Many men believe they've gotten over it, only to have the issue resurface 10-20 years later. That's when it usually destroys the marriage. But at that point, 10-20 years have been wasted. I know it's tough when you have kids. But a happy, fulfilled father makes a better role model.

 

Although she has promised me she wont.

 

Yeah, that's actually something she promised on your wedding day as well. So don't put a lot of stock in her promises, ever again.

Edited July 26, 2017 by WilyWill

[lolablue17]

I understand where you're coming from, but you know it's all in your head, right?

 

I can assure you - My wife is not even close to satisfy all my sex drive, or needs. I'm very attracted to her but she is just one woman. SHe had a lot of sex buddies + boy friends before me, and i don't imagine that my skills can compete every one of them in every aspect.

 

Even if you were the best lover on earth, you cannot thrill her like someone new and fresh. You just can't compete that.

 

But still, I'm commited to mu wife and she is commites to me. If eveni desire for sex with other women (and if my wife is not Ok with that ), I will not cheat! What kind of a sick person put in your mind this insight that some lacks in marriage are an excuse to cheat? If your wife cannot hold herself, she has the right to divorce you.

 

Do you know how many times i had a definit chance to cheat? Millions... And some of them I can assure you could have given me things my wife can't. So what? I have a friend that all he needs in order to cheat is an erection.

 

So don't involve cheating with some regular marriage problems. No no no... These are two totally different things. You forgave her because you accept that she made a mistake and won't do it again. But if you blame yourself, or think she might do it again, if she's that kind of a woman, just divorce her and that is that.

 

Does she make some hints about it?

Edited July 26, 2017 by lolablue17

[Buckeye2]

Even if you were the best lover on earth, you cannot thrill her like someone new and fresh. You just can't compete that.

 

The above is so true and even extends to complements. A husband telling his wife that she is beautiful doesn’t have the impact of a stranger saying the same thing. Let’s say your mother went to your high school football game and told you that you played great. Then a stranger says the same. Which one would impress you more?

 

Do a search for a TED Talk by Helen Fisher. Why we love why we cheat. I think it will help you.

Edited July 27, 2017 by Buckeye2

[Ahurtgirl]

Much of what happens in the bedroom isn't about performance but more about what is said to a woman in the moments of passion. Speaking seductively to her and seeing how wet she is from your words may help you gain confidence.

 

Your wife loves you. Simple. Don't worry about the rest.

Edited July 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Simple Logic]

My wife and I are going through a reconciliation after her affair. I have forgiven her, still love her dearly and we have two young children. For the most part things are going well between us.

Her affair was not emotional, it was almost purely physical, so in most ways this has made our reconciliation easier. However, in others this is more difficult. Previously, I acknowledge our sex life wasnt great, hence the reason for her affair. I found evidence of the affair, as well as I insisted on certain details so I know that she had the type of sex with him that we both have wanted in our marriage. Knowing what I am compared against along with my longstanding insecurities have made my performance in the bedroom even worse. She has been very patient and affectionate but its obvious to me that her actions are all for me.

So i have many concerns. I worry that my insecurity is causing other negative impacts in our relationship, that my performance is even worse now. I worry that my wife is missing out on something that is very important to her and finally that the reasons that drove her to her affair will resurface. Although she has promised me she wont.

I would be interested in hearing from others who have been through this and how you dealt with the the insecurity. Especially if there was a sexual mismatch between expectations or past experiences of one partner and the reality of your sex life.

Thanks

 

If she had the same type of sex you both wanted in your marriage, what stopped you before the affair? Instead of worrying about the other guy, it is time to show your wife she made the right choice by sticking around.

[GavinM]

Thanks for all the advice and feedback. Its all helpful.

I'll try to provide some more information.

 

DD was about nine months ago and she was having sex with him for about a year. It was her who described her affair as "purely physical". She did this to try to reassure me that she didnt have feelings for him and still loved me. I still love her and am definitely committed to staying in the marriage. I know I could be more aggressive/dominant in our relationship but that has never been my personality and has never been how we relate to each other.

 

Ive have had problems with premature ejaculation. Not always terrible problems but its been a issue. Prior to her affair it was much better; I never had terrific stamina but it was probably within the normal range? She always said she didnt mind. Since her affair Ive struggled with both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation! At times when Im with her i'll just lose my erection, so then I worry about this and on the times I can do it I get anxious and rush. Yeah me. When Im alone i have none of these issues, even when the triggering thoughts of her affair pop into my head (which I cant keep out of my head even when alone). So I know its all in my head and feel like I'll be able to get a handle on this I just havent been able to yet.

 

The OM was physically build much different than me. Tall, athletic build, dominant personality. He was also much more experienced sexually than I am. She was also able to have orgasms with him from intercourse, something we've never done. This shocked me and its something I think about regularly. She had always lead me to believe that she wasnt able to have orgasms from sex (although as she pointed out she never explicitly said this). Through our talks she has also admitted that she was able to climax in other relationships. Our sex life was always pretty limited and plain vanilla. She is now willing to do whatever I would like now sexually but with my issues its tough. Also, I can tell she is just suggesting doing these things for me and in many ways I dont want to do these things that she only did for the first time with him (in other ways I definitely would like to try them, but this stuff is way outside my comfort zone).

 

I have never expected to be my wife's best lover. I know its unrealistic to the best of everything in any relationship (best looking, funniest, smartest, most successful, best lover etc). Even now I know I feel confident that I will be able to ultimately get through this but it is still a struggle. She has also been clear that while sex has been important to her its no where near as important to her as all the other factors in our marriage and family. She reminds me of this even time we have this 'talk', which is weekly now.

Thanks

Gavin

Edited August 7, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[BetrayedH]

You and I experienced similar scenarios. My wife's affair was about a yearlong and was clearly sexual since they used hotels about twice a week.

 

We tried to reconcile and made it about 9 months before things blew up. I didn't suffer PE but I definitely had ED issues otherwise, after her affair. My wife was also suddenly more willing to experiment. The result for me was that I somewhat consistently envisioned the OM in our bedroom coaching me on what I was doing wrong and what she really liked. You can imagine that this is quite a distraction.

 

The reality here is that the problem isn't you. It's not likely something you'll really believe anytime soon but it's the truth. You are trying to live up to fantasy-level sex. One of the previous posters is absolutely correct that affair sex is different. You are a husband. She has to negotiate with you everyday over finances, the kids, schedules, and every other priority in the world. There's a near constant power dynamic. While she might fantasize about being submissive, her husband is not the one to do it with because it may spill over into an expectation that she's submissive or vulnerable in all of those other negotiations. With an affair partner, there is no such concern. By it's very nature, they know it won't last forever. It is temporary. There's no introducing him to friends or family. And if you're going to take such huge risks for that bit of excitement, it's going to be no-holds-barred. Add in the excitement of the illicit nature, the build-up that occurs because they can't just get together anytime and a husband has no chance of keeping up with this.

 

I would also add that almost all wayward partners have an excessive need for external validation. The love and care from one person isn't enough. And they want it so much that they're willing to risk dropping a nuke on their life and family to get it. That's excessive and that's about her. Again as the other poster suggested, validation from you hardly measures up. You are contractually obligated to have sex with her and no one else. You may show desire for her but it doesn't make her feel desired or desirable because you're not even allowed to get it from somewhere else. So your advances do nothing to make her feel validated, attractive, or desirable. You get categorized as just wanting sex. Whereas, that new coworker down the hall giving her an extended glance suddenly makes her feel desirable again. And if he's willing to risk his career, wife/kids, etc in order to be with her, then she must really be something special. This all feeds her need for external validation in ways you can't possible compete. Of course, you also aren't aware that you're in competition for your wife (nor should you be). This was about something being broken within HER. A decision to have an affair is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

I'm also very skeptical about this being a purely physical affair. By and large, women want an emotional connection and they are willing to give up sex in order to get it. Conversely, men want sex and are willing to offer an emotional connection to get it. There are exceptions but they are exceptions to the rule. Betrayed women are (generally) more concerned about the potential emotional connection that their wayward husband may have had with the AP. Betrayed husbands are (generally) more dismayed about the sex. But because women most fear the emotional aspect, they can also try to downplay their emotional connection in an affair and to say, it was just sex, in an effort to reassure you. This backfires because men have a tendency to almost dismiss the emotional component and just worry about the sex. I suspect that your wife's affair was much more about getting emotional validation from this OM and being willing to do whatever he wanted in order to get it. And now she is doing the same with you.

 

I think you need to accept that sexual triggers are going to happen for a good while. They will be more manageable over time but it's going to be more like a few years rather than months. But a big part of it is also to stop blaming yourself. This wasn't about you or sexual inadequacy on your part. This was about her. Take some pressure off of yourself. You can't compare with fantasy sex and never should have to try.

 

From a logistical standpoint, you might want to consider Cialis so you can eliminate the challenge with erections. That did a lot for me as it eliminated one major anxiety. It also can have a tendency to delay ejaculation. I'd chat with your doctor.

 

But do your best to get out of your own head. You didn't create this. She did. If she's truly remorseful and you feel good about deciding to reconcile, then great. But don't put all of the pressure on you to resolve the bedroom issues. You didn't ask for this and I suspect that no one wants you to be "over it" more than you do.

 

Lastly, I might encourage you to consider embracing a more dominant side of yourself. Consider being a bit less concerned about her pleasure and be a little more selfish in the bedroom. And don't feel bad about it. She's trying to offer it up. You may just feel a bit more liberated than you ever have before. But this last suggestion isn't for everyone and it's not the priority. For me, it was just one more step in taking the pressure off of myself. I'd previously always been more concerned about her pleasure, always attended to her first, etc.. But I've found that (generally) for the woman it's more about your emotions during sex. If you're so overwhelmed that you just can't help but "take" her, that really makes her feel desirable. Of course, we're only talking about purely consenting scenario but I think you get my drift.

 

Again, just my $.02 and worth the paper it's printed on. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

If she tells you that she had great physical orgasmic sex for a year with her lover but did not have any feelings for him then I have a bridge to sell you. You would have to be delusional to believe this.

 

Why are you attempting to reconcile? If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting, forgiving after allowing herself to have been so totally humiliated and disrespected as you have been?

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[WilyWill]

My feeling is that a woman who really loves her husband would not do this to him. This kind of damage is permanent. You don't run over your spouse's knee just because you want the thrill of driving a sports car.

 

Yes she "loves" you now because she needs you to stick around. You're the father of her children and probably the provider as well. Was she doing this while you were toiling away at work to make a better life for her?

 

If you intend to stay with her, one of the conditions should be that she has some serious therapy to get to the bottom of her issues. Do you know whether this was her first rodeo or not? Have you done a DNA test on the children to see if they are really yours?

Edited July 27, 2017 by WilyWill

[Maraud3r]

If she tells you that she had great physical orgasmic sex for a year with her lover but did not have any feelings for him then I have a bridge to sell you. You would have to be delusional to believe this.

I have some high grade w-lan cables and gluten free fat free water to add to this.

 

She had an affair for AN ENTIRE YEAR till you seem to have found out. She then went into damage mitigation mode. From what you are saying she had been less than honest with you before and afterwards only slowly admitted to various things including your sex life.

 

You say your "sex life" has always been fairly vanilla, that she did not orgasm with you etc. She appears to have since admitted that neither was the case for other relationships and her affair. Which is a huge insult to you to begin with. Ask yourself, if she loves you, if you are the man she has decided to marry why was she so keen on limiting sexual activities with you and had these problems only with you. There is a good chance this wasn't your fault to begin with.

 

This might sound harsh but right now it seems like you were the "safe and secure" type she settled for after "she got things out of her system" to let take care of her. Except she slipped up and you found out a lot of things she did prior keep a secret from you.

 

Ask yourself, why are you trying to reconcile. Because of the children? Because you truly love her or are you more afraid that you won't find a new partner (you said you had very little prior experience)?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gavin, you are the man in the hot seat and it is very hot. Can you tell us how long you have been married and how long did you and your wife date before getting married? How old are your children? If, as you say, your wife was having orgasms with her present marital partners and then came across you and assuming you dated a while before getting married you two must have had adequate sexual experience with each other. Your wife would have been quite aware of your sexual deficiencies( in her eyes) and she should have known she would never be satisfied with you as a sexual partner. Also, since sex is so important to her then with the knowledge she had about your sexual deficiencies why did she choose to marry you? After all for most people sex is an important and indispensable component of marriage and she knowingly married you fully aware that you would not meet her sexual needs. In other words she perpetrated a fraud on you knowing very well in advance that if she was dissatisfied with her situation she would seek sex outside the marriage. As subsequent events show she did exactly that.

 

I wanted to ask you as to how or under what circumstances did she meet her AP? Is she a SAHM or dies she work too? If she does work then was her AP a coworker? Also is her AP married or in a relationship? Lastly, what made you decide to reconcile with your WW? Has she shown even the remotest signs of remorse? Or is it that you have just rolled over, forgiven her and decided to reconcile unilaterally without making her face any consequences at all? How do you know that her affair has ended? She might have taken it deep underground and you would not be aware of it at all. After a year of getting mind blowing sex she is not going to just let it die down just because her ineffectual husband discovered her affair. She probably does not respect you at all which is why her affair was probably in your face. After you 'discovered' it she must have become more careful and just taken it underground. Her AP seems to be an alpha type and per your own statement you do not compare favourably with him. If shove comes to push he could probably beat you up and leave you somewhere all by yourself to make your way back to civilization. He and your wife would then have a good laugh at your discomfiture. As BryanP has said 'If you do not respect yourself who will'? The only advice I can give you is to contact a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Your wife never lived you and does'nt now. Warm wishes.

[usa1ah]

Thanks for all the advice and feedback. Its all helpful.

I'll try to provide some more information.

DD was about nine months ago and she was having sex with him for about a year. It was her who described her affair as "purely physical". She did this to try to reassure me that she didnt have feelings for him and still loved me. I still love her and am definitely committed to staying in the marriage. I know I could be more aggressive/dominant in our relationship but that has never been my personality and has never been how we relate to each other.

 

Ive have had problems with premature ejaculation. Not always terrible problems but its been a issue. Prior to her affair it was much better; I never had terrific stamina but it was probably within the normal range? She always said she didnt mind. Since her affair Ive struggled with both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation! At times when Im with her i'll just lose my erection, so then I worry about this and on the times I can do it I get anxious and rush. Yeah me. When Im alone i have none of these issues, even when the triggering thoughts of her affair pop into my head (which I cant keep out of my head even when alone). So I know its all in my head and feel like I'll be able to get a handle on this I just havent been able to yet.

 

The OM was physically build much different than me. Tall, athletic build, dominant personality. He was also much more experienced sexually than I am. She was also able to have orgasms with him from intercourse, something we've never done. This shocked me and its something I think about regularly. She had always lead me to believe that she wasnt able to have orgasms from sex (although as she pointed out she never explicitly said this). Through our talks she has also admitted that she was able to climax in other relationships. Our sex life was always pretty limited and plain vanilla. She is now willing to do whatever I would like now sexually but with my issues its tough. Also, I can tell she is just suggesting doing these things for me and in many ways I dont want to do these things that she only did for the first time with him (in other ways I definitely would like to try them, but this stuff is way outside my comfort zone).

I have never expected to be my wife's best lover. I know its unrealistic to the best of everything in any relationship (best looking, funniest, smartest, most successful, best lover etc). Even now I know I feel confident that I will be able to ultimately get through this but it is still a struggle. She has also been clear that while sex has been important to her its no where near as important to her as all the other factors in our marriage and family. She reminds me of this even time we have this 'talk', which is weekly now.

Thanks

Gavin

 

What was it about the affair sex that was so great.

 

We have heard it all so don't be shy.

 

 

If sex wasn't so important then why did she have sex for over a year wife someone you could never complete with?

 

Do you make good money?

 

Do he make good money?

 

Was he an ex?

 

My guess is she married you for your money and that you would be a "good" husband. She knew you would not leave if she got caught. When she does it again she is going to ask for your approval since you know that you can not take care of her needs. But remember, she loves you. right.......

[QuietDan]

Wow, tough and painful situation. Are you, have you, do you plan to see a sex therapist who specializes in the areas you two are having problems as a couple? I hope so. Other wise, you two have a lot of prpblems that will probably continue to have problems with.

Talk about taking a serious relationship problem and making it a whole lot worse for both of you two....

Otherwise l, it sounds like it will be sympathy and duty sex untill she gets bored with it. Once the guilt and fear factor fades a bit... How long will it take before her sexual frustations send her wondering again? Will you end up giving up on sex if the anxiety, fear, depression, and frustration stays? The chances of your situation drifting into a sexless marriage seems to be potentially fairly high...

Then what?

No easy solutions....

A sex therapist might be very helpful in creating ways and working through challenges that ends up with both of you two enjoying a sex life with each other.

As it is... She temporarily fixed her problems for herself with someone else at the expense of the marraige relationship.

I hope the best for you and your marraige.

Good luck with this.

[Vincentstreet]

"She has also been clear that while sex has been important to her its no where near as important to her as all the other factors in our marriage and family. She reminds me of this even time we have this 'talk', which is weekly now. "

Does anyone else find that ironic? Yes she valued your family alright.. for a whole year!

 

Gavin.. for the sake of your sanity.. wake up! You are the "safe" guy she has NO passion for. Get some and kick her out!

 

I have said it before... and will again: People cheat cos they feel like they wont get caught.. or they plain don't care.. which is it in your case? Are you the man in the house? These are questions you should be asking yourself. She has emasculated you.. and you need to get your manhood back. You have to risk losing her in the process... if you didnt have kids or I'd say kick her out.

[RecentChange]

If she tells you that she had great physical orgasmic sex for a year with her lover but did not have any feelings for him then I have a bridge to sell you. You would have to be delusional to believe this.

 

 

Well, most LS'er say I am a unicorn, a freak, an outlier. But for me, yes it was very possible.

 

I knew I never had feelings for HIM, I liked the way he made me feel about myself (for all the reasons some have laid out here, flattery, validation etc), but honestly had very few thoughts about him that weren't sexual. I didn't imagine dinners and long conversations... No, our relationship was one dimensional as were my feelings for him. He stroked my ego, and gave me good sex.

 

Yes many women connect love with sex, but there really are some of us that compartmentalize, and see sex, as sex.

[BetrayedH]

Well, most LS'er say I am a unicorn, a freak, an outlier. But for me, yes it was very possible.

 

I knew I never had feelings for HIM, I liked the way he made me feel about myself (for all the reasons some have laid out here, flattery, validation etc), but honestly had very few thoughts about him that weren't sexual. I didn't imagine dinners and long conversations... No, our relationship was one dimensional as were my feelings for him. He stroked my ego, and gave me good sex.

 

Yes many women connect love with sex, but there really are some of us that compartmentalize, and see sex, as sex.

 

I find it really interesting that while you say it was about sex, you also acknowledge that it was about flattery, validation, and ego. Please understand that I'm not trying to counter your position; I think we concur with one another. I think you're quite honest about it. But even in your case where it was about sex, it still seems to be that it was about how the sex made you feel emotionally. The sex in your affair (at least, a lot of it) was about how it made you feel about yourself. In short, it was about you. Is that fair to say?

 

I'm not sure a husband has a great shot at providing that kind of validation, for the reasons listed in my other post. In my case, I think my wife just wanted "more" than a marriage typically provides. The marriage dynamic provides obstacles that an affair circumvents. It's an unfair comparison and I don't think it's realistic for the OP to fight to aspire to that level, at least not in the immediate aftermath of an affair. Can his sex life with his wife be that satisfying for both of them? Eventually, yes. Right now, unlikely.

[Cephalopod]

So she said that while sex is important to her, it isn't as important to her as aspects of her family and marriage?

 

Uh huh...

 

And yet she was fully willing to risk her family and marriage for sex.

 

Reexamine your logic here Gavin.

[Friskyone4u]

Gavin,

 

I may have missed it, but what makes you so absolutely sure that this was her only affair and that it is really over.???? Because she told you so????

 

Women very rarely have sex with someone for a year and for no emotional connection. If you said she was banging random guys and had no emotional connection that would make more sense.

 

The other issue is that you have already committed to forgive her regardless of her long term actions, yet you now feel she is faking it to make you feel better.

 

Affai sex is always better because it is naughty, new, and forbidden, and the BS can rarely compete with that.

 

Your posts do. Not say what she is doing to make you feel safe other than giving you typical wayward "cheater 101" slogans. Your sex life will not improve until you get out of the mindset that you need to make the adjustments to satisfy her.

She needs to do the heavy lifting my friend. It appears it is the other way around here.

[Overtaxed]

Well, most LS'er say I am a unicorn, a freak, an outlier. But for me, yes it was very possible.

 

I knew I never had feelings for HIM, I liked the way he made me feel about myself (for all the reasons some have laid out here, flattery, validation etc), but honestly had very few thoughts about him that weren't sexual. I didn't imagine dinners and long conversations... No, our relationship was one dimensional as were my feelings for him. He stroked my ego, and gave me good sex.

 

Yes many women connect love with sex, but there really are some of us that compartmentalize, and see sex, as sex.

 

And there are some men (unicorns like you, IMHO) who are more like women and connect love with sex. But a lot of A's would not happen, and a lot of hearts would stay unbroken, if women realized that most men are much more like you.

[Chi townD]

I'll keep this plain and simple. You need to go to counseling and you need to find one that specializes in infidelity. Don't just look in the phonebook and pick a run of the mill Counselor. Any regular counselor (which I like to call Orpah/Dr. Phil Counselors) will tend to make it your fault. What YOU did or what YOU didn't do that caused your wife to stray. Here's the deal, this wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. And a counselor that specializes in infidelity will make her own up to her own sh*t. So, do your homework.

 

Then, you might want to think about you two going to a sex therapist. He/She will give you homework and exercises that will help the two of you to reconnect. Or even re-invent your sex life.

[Try]

When Im alone i have none of these issues, even when the triggering thoughts of her affair pop into my head (which I cant keep out of my head even when alone). So I know its all in my head and feel like I'll be able to get a handle on this I just havent been able to yet.

 

The OM was physically build much different than me. Tall, athletic build, dominant personality. He was also much more experienced sexually than I am. She was also able to have orgasms with him from intercourse, something we've never done.

The issue is that throughout your marriage your wife has been letting you know that although she loves you, she is not in love with you. Deep down inside you know this to be true, and you are thus justifiably insecure sexually with her. This is the reason that sexually "none of these issues" happen accept when you are with her. Knowing that your spouse does not find you attractive is a sexual deal killer, especially when you know that she found you lacking in every sexual category when she rated you against another man that she cheated with. Unbelievably, when caught cheating, she actually has you acknowledging that she cheated because you suck so bad in bed.

 

Bottom line, the issue is not with you. The real issue is that your wife married a man that she was not attracted to because she thought that you would be a loyal husband that she would be safe with. This cannot be fixed. If you stay in this marriage, she will never make you feel desired, and this will forever hurt your self confidence as a man. Somewhere there is a woman that will find you sexually desirable, and that will wake up every morning thanking God that she was lucky enough to have you in her life. That woman is not your wife, and never will be.

 

2 years ago I told this same exact thing to a good friend who had a wife that cheated on him for the same exact reasons that your wife gave. She always subtly attacked his self confidence, and made him feel that no other woman would have him. When he took my advice to leave his cheating wife so that he could look for a woman that would consider herself lucky to have him, he was shocked at how much better for him the new love of his life turned out to be. She is much more attractive than his ex, and is openly crazy about him; if I showed you photos comparing his ex to the new love, it would not even be close. The fact that she is wealthy, makes more money than him, and just paid his way for a first class vacation overseas is just icing on the cake. The end result is that he feels confident again as a man, and all of the sexual performance issues that he had with his ex are gone. This is a true story. If you read any of my other posts to this site, you will see that I do not often make claims like this, but your story compelled me to tell you this. One other thing that I told him, "if you are not happy, the only one responsible for fixing this is you".

Edited July 29, 2017 by Try