Can't keep eyes off other women is it a red flag?

[confused2020]

cant keep eyes off other women is it a red FLAG

Hello,

 

Me and my wife have been discussing separation for years but we are having trouble making the final step. We are close but i have ambivalence and her biological clock is really ticking we are both in later thirties and i feel i can not talk about children when relationship is not great and dysfunctional.

 

But anyways one of the things that i am wondering if is a red flag is my fantasizing of being with another women who mainly would have more confidence and intelligence.

 

I will give a couple examples where the other women intruding thought is hard to push away.

 

1. for the past three years we have been thinking of moving to florida and my wife asked if I would ever leave her because of being in a new world living by the beach she was bothered or jelous that i may be looking at other women and maybe see someone better.

 

She said what would you do if that happened and I always give an honest answer I said if I ever wanted to be with someone I would not have an affair I would get a divorce. That me sound like a mean answer but its the truth and she did not like that answer. but I could not say oh honey I would never look at other women.

 

I have never cheated but now with this move I imagine going by myself and starting a new life. I really am scared of going down there and living in a different environment what if i do meet someone that I like better. I am a beach person my wife is very introverted and not outgoing what if i do meet somone really out going.

 

Another example is I am in between careers but if i go back to my old career in banking there are a lot of powerful confident women and I am attractive to that I feel I have been putting off going back to the bank and one of the reasons is I am scared i will meet someone I like better than my life.

 

 

Along with many other problems do you think these issues of obsessing over other women but never cheating is a red flag that my I should leave my wife. I feel she deserves better.

[somanymistakes]

Thinking about other women occasionally isn't a big warning sign.

 

Desperately trying to find something to 'prove' that you need to leave, on the other hand, might be.

[confused2020]

Thinking about other women occasionally isn't a big warning sign.

 

Desperately trying to find something to 'prove' that you need to leave, on the other hand, might be.

 

i think about other women daily and when I am out i am checking out oyther women and I have been caught and my wife is really upset about it she feels like she does not even want to go to some places with me and my wandering eyes.

 

I have never cheated but on a couple occasions i want on POF just to see who is out there but did not talk to anyone.

 

 

It is hard for me to imagine not ever sleeping with another women. My wife does not have a huge sex drive and with our relationship problems we only had sex twice in past year.

 

My wife also does not like oral sex we have been together for six years zero oral sex. Sometimes i remember in past relationships being with women that didn't want to have sex or were not in mood but would give oral sex.

 

Do you think I need someone that has a higher sex drive like me? I am really going crazy I still will not cheat but i am thinking of seperating.

 

My wife said she does not care if i go to florida by myself and and she can come down in 10 months when lease is up. She said if I meet someone else we can divorce but i feel guilty to leave my wife but if she is offering should I take this oppurtunity to live seperate for 10 months and possibly divorce?

[confused2020]

Hello,

 

I habe a lot of mental health diagnosis and have been having trouble in my marriage of five years always worrying about everything if my wife was the right person, is she smart enough, is she good looking enough.

 

 

One big one that is almost the frosting on the cake for our seperation is me and thinking of other women. I have never cheated but i am always thinking of other women and is there someone that is a better fit.

 

I am always looking at other women even on the street and thinking they are better than my wife just in the way they laugh and present themselves i see confidence which i think my wife is lacking. My wife was introverted when I met her and is not very intelligent and she is shy. I thought it would go away,

 

 

I am really goofy and my wife scolds me if I act goofy in public and iys unnaceptable to her. An example of my goofiness could be breaking out into singing while walking down street or in store really bothers her.

 

My question is is all of my thoughts about being with another women has anyone ever seen any studies that these can actually be intrusive thoughts or compulsive thoughts and maybe my wife is the one for me but my mental health is making me think about being with other women?

 

thank you

[Redhead14]

If that is a pervasive, uncontrollable thought-process it is likely a compulsive issue and part of at least one of your diagnoses. There is some evidence (breaking out in song randomly - albeit there are worse things you could do that you have impulse control issues as well which can go hand in hand. If you have been officially diagnosed, you need to bring this up with the psychiatrist/psychologist(s) who gave you those diagnoses.

 

I also wouldn't say that your thoughts are about other women per se, it could be more about sexual impulsivity and perhaps a little bit of an addiction. Again, it would be good idea to bring this up in therapy. There's too much going on for you.

[confused2020]

Not sure where to post this but it is a deep secret and I wanted some insight to why i think in a way I do and if it could be a symptom of some type of mental health condition. I have anxiety, bi polar but been depressed and OCD tendencies obsessive thoughts.

 

I have this recurring thing with my wife's nose we have been together 6 years and I do not think it bothered me until the last three.

 

Her nose is kind of like one of those big gumballs you get out of the gumball machine and she is attractive but not her nose. I have fears of when she is old having one of those big pickle noses that some old people get.

 

1. I would never mention this to my wife she would be really upset we may have been talking once about plastic surgery as a what if if we could have something done and she did not mention her nose.

 

2. I would never ask her to get plastic surgery she would be highly offended and would not do it. I actually have heard her mention she likes her nose and she thinks she looks like a model but i am not sure with the nose.

 

So anyways we are thinking about separation for more serious reasons but i was wondering how to you get over something so foolish or is it foolish? If it makes you not attracted what do you do? Is it something I would have to talk about in therapy? If I am shallow how do I become un shallow? I am not a perfectionist and wish I could think differently. I fear that if I stay in marriage other simalar problems will come up and if i divorce i may never find anyone because I am in my late 30's I am not going to be fing a model.

 

I do have a type and it is nothing like my wife my wife is tall very thin hair big ears big head but she is attractive. My type is something like reese witherspoon something about her facial features do something to me like her pointy chin. I am not sure if this is a fetish or just normal attraction. I have never masturbated and thought of reese weatherperson its just if i see a women like that I am automatically attracted. I am also attracted to niomi watts to give you an idea. If we have these particular attractions should i have tried to marry someone that looks closer to what I am attracted?

 

 

I know this is messed up that is why i titled it shallow hal

[SammySammy]

See ... this is why I decided long-term committed relationships are not for me.

 

Stuff like this is so unfair to a SO. Unreasonable. Even ridiculous.

 

But, what do you do when you're obsessive?

 

You KNOW it's unfair. KNOW it's not right, but ... smh.

[confused2020]

sometimes i think maybe i should just be single i really think it has to do with mental illness but no way soon I can fix my thinking patterns.

[confused2020]

Me and my wife have been married 6 years and for three years I have been experiencing severe relationship ambivalence I am not sure if anyone has had this but I have racked my brain read books like to good to leave to bad to stay, the road less traveled. One minute I want to stay one minute I have an overwhelming feeling I made a mistake and need to leave and it is driving my wife insane she wants children or just a kid at this point we are almost 40.

 

I cannot say after therpay and years of racking my brain if i want to stay or I want to go. Sometimes i think there is someone better out there for instance me and spouse are not alike I am an artist what if i found and dated an artist I never did would I be happier? I am intellectual my wife is simple. She is a very good person.

 

My wife said I can leave for up to a year and date and if she still whats to be with me and i still want to be with her we can get back together. I cant make my mind up ob this. Since I am so undecided should I do it? I feel bad with my wife's age leaving.

 

I left a year ago for three months but we talked everyday and hung out on the holidays and I ended moving back in after three months but when I moved in the feelings came back anxiety thinking it was a mistake.

 

Should I take advantage that my wife is ok with me leaving again? She does not want to divorce just separate and even let me date if I am ready so she knows if I came back I am sure I am where i want to be.

[SammySammy]

One way I differ from most is I've never considered myself to be mentally ill.

 

I just ... have my ways. Which makes it difficult to be in a relationship with me. But, are extremely beneficial in other areas of my life.

 

Work, for example. The extreme attention to detail and insistence upon getting things right and right the first time has made me much better than most over time.

 

I'm not really sure what the answer is to your situation. Medication? Counseling? Which would be hypocritical for me to suggest because I don't have a lot of faith in either.

[confused2020]

One way I differ from most is I've never considered myself to be mentally ill.

 

I just ... have my ways. Which makes it difficult to be in a relationship with me. But, are extremely beneficial in other areas of my life.

 

Work, for example. The extreme attention to detail and insistence upon getting things right and right the first time has made me much better than most over time.

 

I'm not really sure what the answer is to your situation. Medication? Counseling? Which would be hypocritical for me to suggest because I don't have a lot of faith in either.

 

 

i have way less faith in counseling a lot of un qualified people out there playing psychologist even if they are qualified on paper.

 

Although I do feel lithium that I have been on has improved my life.

 

I do not know what to do either, do I do what i want to do what is in my gut leave my wife start a new life or do i go with my heart and stay with my wife who i care about and try to be succesful as a team with her which will be a lor of hard work.

 

Plus I have to deal with the fact I look at other women and get caught by my wife. But I would never cheat behind my wifes back i do not want to hurt her

[Jagged100]

You don't want to be with her, not really anyways. You're afraid of what life will be life without her but that's not a reason to stay. Let her find someone who she'll be happy with and the same for you. In a loving relationship you don't tell your partner go find someone else for a while and then we'll get back to together. She's doing that because it's her misguided attempt to save a failing relationship. Move on, you know you want to.

[confused2020]

You don't want to be with her, not really anyways. You're afraid of what life will be life without her but that's not a reason to stay. Let her find someone who she'll be happy with and the same for you. In a loving relationship you don't tell your partner go find someone else for a while and then we'll get back to together. She's doing that because it's her misguided attempt to save a failing relationship. Move on, you know you want to.

 

i know, but do you think that there is a small chance because i moved out once before and came back after three months that after I work on my self and issues and she lives her life we could get back together? I am totally prepared that she may meet someone and move on and I would be happy for her.

 

DO we need to call it a separation and say there is no chance of getting back together if I move out or is leaving that small chance ok to do?

 

My wife may be making a unhealthy selfless choice for me but she said she wanted me to go so I can chase my dreams which may be living the artist life and I may move to a different city. It feels like she is trying to do me a favor but maybe she had enough and wants me out also I cant tell.

[SammySammy]

Whatever you do, don't tell her you obsess about her nose. Just keep it to yourself. That would be cruel and harmful. Would make her self-conscious.

 

I will tell you this, I wish I had stayed with my wife. Found a way to fight for our marriage a little longer. I was trying to work on myself - too little, too late - but, I wish I had redoubled my efforts and tried harder. At least, if it still ended I would know that I gave my all toward making it work.

 

Ending relationships is too easy for me. It shouldn't be that way when you're already married. Especially if you have a child like I did. All I know is if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't leave without knowing I had given my absolute best.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What are the other reasons for which you are separating? Sometimes when things are "bad" even the little things like noses become a way bigger issue than normal.

[confused2020]

What are the other reasons for which you are separating? Sometimes when things are "bad" even the little things like noses become a way bigger issue than normal.

 

that is a good question I have to get going my wife is going to be home any minute and i do not want her to know I am on here.

 

But there are many reasons things are bad I am going to think about the bad and how many little things are cause by big things and I need to think what the bad things are like the major ones.

 

But me and my wife are spending the next couple weeks trying to make a decision we cant just pull the bandiad off and seperate been going on for years.

 

Sorry to not answer ingyour question but my brain is swirling just thinking what are the bad things. But your question did maybe think maybe i should use that way to try and knock out small things that can be caused by big things and work on the big thing. But we are very close to separating and our plan is to divorce if we both agree after about six months of seperation. No time limit in our state,

[Jagged100]

i know, but do you think that there is a small chance because i moved out once before and came back after three months that after I work on my self and issues and she lives her life we could get back together? I am totally prepared that she may meet someone and move on and I would be happy for her.

 

DO we need to call it a separation and say there is no chance of getting back together if I move out or is leaving that small chance ok to do?

 

My wife may be making a unhealthy selfless choice for me but she said she wanted me to go so I can chase my dreams which may be living the artist life and I may move to a different city. It feels like she is trying to do me a favor but maybe she had enough and wants me out also I cant tell.

Of course there is a chance but realistically life does not work that way. Unless you're taking time out to focus on yourself in order to be a better partner I can't see that idea working. Mate honestly if you can see her with someone else and be happy for her you're not in love with her anymore. That thought should crush you. .

 

You need to decide what seperation is for as a couple.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself. What do you want? It sounds like you want to be free but also want the safely of being able to go back. Maybe she does want this to be over, but it's something you both need to talk about.

[MuddyFootprints]

It's not about her nose. If you had a daughter who inherited that trait, you'd kiss it every day.

[Cookiesandough]

It sounds like your OCD . It is not uncommon for those who have OCD to worry about things in this manner.

[confused2020]

What do you do if the fear of regretting leaving is equal to the fear of what you will find in life if you leave.

 

In this situation do you pick your wife and not hurt her or do you pick your self and go your own way.

 

It crushes me the pain I will cause my spouse do I keep working since niether has cheated and no physical abuse would it be more manly to stay in a marriage and fix it or leave so wife can have a chance to meet someone .

[avvril3000]

Yuck. there is nothing more unattractive than an indecisive man. a man who doesn't know what he wants, esp at around the age of 40. yuck yuck yuck. SHE should move on, and find someone who knows what he is doing and who he is and who he wants.

 

Get yourself sorted, man. This is not cool. You're not 20 anymore.

[avvril3000]

You definitely are shallow. strong noses can be a beautiful european feature. Some top models have big noses like gisele bundchen.

 

I'm sure you're not perfect either. I'm sure you dont have the best body or facial features.

 

My question is that why is this only mattering now, 3 years into the relationship? Why wasn;t it an issue before? i don't get it.

[confused2020]

I was thinking maybe part of the reason some of us may be having trouble working things out in marriage is because we have no one to talk to that can give the proper advice and we are turning to this site but it does not always help.

 

For me I have no friends except for friends out of state and I feel bad calling them just when I need advice.

 

Therapist cannot give advice when it comes to if you should divorce or not they only tell you what to do if there is abuse and maybe chronic cheating.

 

My family I cannot get advice from my mom says stay together for selfish reasons like wanting another grandkid. Grandma thinks I will never find anyone again and tells me to stay in relationship I am unsure about.

 

One friend I talked to out of state on phone said have kids then you will be happy they will be your focus not your wife.

 

So this is the kind of advice I get.

 

My psychstrist actually gave some advice and said he thinks my severe anxiety is effecting my marriage and to keep trying they never give advice but he did my psychatrist of six years at the VA.

[confused2020]

Can I talk to a priest if I am agnostic? Whenever I read religious material they are really anti divorce saying it's the easy way out. Should I join mgtow ? Need someone to talk to.

[confused2020]

Yuck. there is nothing more unattractive than an indecisive man. a man who doesn't know what he wants, esp at around the age of 40. yuck yuck yuck. SHE should move on, and find someone who knows what he is doing and who he is and who he wants.

 

Get yourself sorted, man. This is not cool. You're not 20 anymore.

 

 

I feel I can't help it like it is something of mental illness I have severe generalized anxiety and ocd I do not have borderline personality disirder or anti social dusirder it pains me what I am putting my wife through .

 

Who are you to say yuck not very helpful from an established member this is the advice I get fit being bluntly honest? Looking for something more constructive . Your yuck !