JAJ2017 Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 My husband and I are divorcing and I am moving out next week. He has all his family and friends around him, while all my family is out of state. I do have some friends locally. My question is: How do I react to and deal with his family? We've always gotten along, but they are being VERY distant to me now. I get it. I wanted the divorce, not him. But, to that end, I feel lonely in a way and like a pariah now...Make sense? Advice? Should I reach out to them? Let it rest a bit? Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 It's normal for them to be distant. You will also see division of mutual friends. That too is normal. Not saying that is right but divorce charges people's loyalty! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I realized going in that when I was divorcing my husband I'd be divorcing his family too. I even told those that I was closest to how I'd be handling it. They accepted and respected my decision. It would have been too much drama otherwise, which unfortunately you're already seeing. I'd just resolve myself to know that your divorce will include all of them too. This way it's your choice and you'll have zero expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 How do I react to and deal with his family? You don't. You're divorcing him. His family are a part of the deal. You're divorcing them, too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 His family would be doing the right thing by standing by him. It is time for you to create your own support system and circle of friends. Have you thought of moving back to your home town? Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 My husband and I are divorcing and I am moving out next week. He has all his family and friends around him, while all my family is out of state. I do have some friends locally. My question is: How do I react to and deal with his family? We've always gotten along, but they are being VERY distant to me now. I get it. I wanted the divorce, not him. But, to that end, I feel lonely in a way and like a pariah now...Make sense? Advice? Should I reach out to them? Let it rest a bit? I'm not sure of the reasons behind your divorce, but people who leave a marriage / RL often don't think of all the ramifications of their decision. Losing his family is part of the deal. You have to live with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I know plenty of divorced couples (especially those with children) who have managed to keep things amicable and have attended to weddings and funerals of their ex's relatives so I don't think it's true that you divorce the family when you divorce your spouse. The problem here, imo, is that the situation is still very fresh (you haven't even moved out yet) and your reasons aren't kosher (you are feeling lonely) - that's why you shouldn't go. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I was quite close to my father-in-law in my marriage but haven't had any contact with him in nearly two years now. It's unfortunate and I miss him and his sense of humor but there's really no way around it. He and my ex-wife are also very close and I don't want to put him in a bad spot by trying to make contact. I did run into my former mother-in-law about a year ago and she was quite embarrassed. She actually apologized for how things went down and I thanked her and walked away. Such is divorced life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eyeteachscience Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 For the first few years after my divorce, things were still quite 'edgy' between families, and I definitely lost relationships with some of the former in-laws. I let it rest and now we are 7 years later and some of those relationships have 'returned'. However, that being said, I think those relationships really only stayed at all because of my daughters. Divorce is devastating to all relationships involved and certainly changes our world in ways we may not have expected. Quite sincerely, I am so sorry for your loss, as there is a ton of it. Keeping you and all involved in my prayers. Go slowly and be gentle to yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 I know plenty of divorced couples (especially those with children) who have managed to keep things amicable and have attended to weddings and funerals of their ex's relatives so I don't think it's true that you divorce the family when you divorce your spouse. Well, yes. If you're amicable with your ex then it's certainly possible to be amicable with their family and included in their family events. They are your children's grandparents, aunts and uncles after all. But if your ex doesn't want anything to do with you, then staying in touch with their family is inappropriate and could cause pain and conflict all around. Could you imagine turning up to your ex's brother's wedding, if you weren't speaking to your ex? How awkward would that be? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 Hi JAJ, why are you divorcing your husband and how long were you two married? Do you have any children? All these are factors which will weigh in when you consider your future relationship with your stbx husband's family. Is your divorce proceeding amicably? On another note I would think that divorce, by it's very nature is a breaking down of a relationship and therefore any extended family would also be getting divorced in the process. Why would you expect to keep up with your stbx husband's family if you are divorcing him? This is something that you should have prepared yourself well in advance to accept and make adjustments for. You said that you initiated the divorce and so you must have thought long and hard about it. If that ne the case then you should be in the driver's seat as far as your divorce situation is concerned. I guess you will have to accept the consequences of your decision to divorce whatever they may be. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 (edited) Well, yes. If you're amicable with your ex then it's certainly possible to be amicable with their family and included in their family events. They are your children's grandparents, aunts and uncles after all. But if your ex doesn't want anything to do with you, then staying in touch with their family is inappropriate and could cause pain and conflict all around. Could you imagine turning up to your ex's brother's wedding, if you weren't speaking to your ex? How awkward would that be? If you're saying this is a case by case thing as opposed to your erroneous 'divorce the spouse = divorce the family' blanket statement from your earlier post, we are in agreement . It's not because it's not a good idea in some cases (like the situation presented in the OP, and only because it's still very fresh) that it is true of all cases. Edited July 31, 2017 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 No reason to communicated with his family unless you share kids and even then, he can visit them with the kids on his time with the kids. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
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