Done trying to have male friends.

[elaine567]

The other problem with opposite sex friends is the havoc they often wreak in the primary relationship.

I guess even the mere mention of close opposite sex friends will turn many off before it even gets to the first date stage.

Relationships are hard enough without having to compete for attention with exes, besties, orbiters and madly in love people masquerading as "just good friends"...

 

The OSF can innocently or knowingly occupy a huge space in a person's life and that can sometimes leave little room for the primary relationship to develop and flourish.

 

The person with the close OSF is often "oblivious" to the real damage that is being caused to their primary relationship and will often refuse to give up on their "best friend" and that tends not to end well.

Most people enter relationships to ultimately be their partner's/spouse's best friend, they want to be the most important person in that person's life.

BUT when that position is already occupied and the OSF refuses to budge and give way or the partner/spouse refuses to let go of their OSF, then chaos is bound to ensue.

[somanymistakes]

Because you have boobs. We don't hang around for the conversation. Like you said, you have more in common with other ladies. Most men are the same way.

 

I'm not sure how much 'more in common' I'm supposed to have with other ladies, other than the boobs.... and sitting around talking about my boobs all day sounds pretty boring to me.

 

I've usually had more male friends than female, precisely because of my hobbies and interests.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Heterosexual men and women being friends, it can happen......somewhere.

 

I ain't never seen it though.

 

I've had a bunch of female friends over the years.

 

It's because I value human companionship over sex and am generally a non-emotional person.

 

There was a period of years where I hung out with two of my exes countless times and never touched either of them. And all three of us were totally single. Some of my friends thought that was so weird.

 

Sex can be kind of sh@tty. But hanging out and drinking beers, and talking and singing karaoke at the top of your lungs is fun.

 

Anyway, it depends what kind of person you are. I'm like a big kid. I don't take life that seriously.

 

That said, now that I'm dating someone more seriously, out of respect to her, I have stopped hanging out with my exes. But it's not because of the threat of sex. It's because of the threat of having fun with another woman in ways that I don't have fun with her. In that sense, a less 'attractive' person can actually be more of a threat than a more 'attractive' person.

Edited July 29, 2017 by JuneJulySeptember

[road]

I hear in here often how men and women should be friends. Does that even work? It has never worked for me. Its resulted in me being stalked and sexually harassed.

 

No matter how old (sometimes up to 70) or unattractive a guy was, he always thought there was a chance. In fact,ive noticed the less attractive a guy was the more confident he seems.

 

Even just talking, being friendly, and agreeing to work out with a guy, men seem to take very, very wrong.

 

I think it could work if both people are friends who have sex with each other, but to me, thats not a friendship.

 

One of my latest attempts at friendship with a guy was with an older man of 68. He tried to get sexual with me even though hes married. I refused, and i never saw him again.

 

The last time i tried to be friends with a guy, i was on the verge of being cyber stalked. He lives far away, and we chatted on social media. He started hitting on me. I told him i wasnt attracted to him in the least. He invited himself on one of my vacations, and he even thought id go to miami beach with him. I told him if a person isnt fam, my bf, female friends, thats not happening! In true stalker fashion, he kept hitting on me and even tried calling me via social media. This is unfortunately the norm when i try to have male friends.

 

See, when i pick male friends, i dont care what they look like. In fact, they are usually very unattractive. They always seem to think im.being nice to them bc i want them. I goof when i say im single which they see as a green light. I dont think at that moment that 70 year old guy or a guy id never touch is trying to holla (projection).

 

Thats my experience. Trying to have platonic friends has caused me a lot of problems and drama over the years.If i wanted sex and drama id get a bf.

 

Ive never had a man talk to me for nothing. If a man starts talking to a woman, its probably bc hes attracted to her, even if shes 20 and hes 50,60, 70.

 

Having male friends isnt a good choice for some women...

 

You have to watch the movie When Harry Met Sally.

As Billy Crystal said: men and women can not be friends

because the sex thing always gets in the way.

 

Many women confuse a man willing to be an orbiter, that is

acting as he accepts you as just a girl friend to him when he is

waiting and working this connection to get you to be his girlfriend.

 

Did you notice the difference between girl friend and girlfriend?

 

I do not need a girl friend to talk politics, sports, hunting, fishing,

cars, firewood, camping, nothin'.

 

A man only needs one woman to talk to, his GF/wife.

[somanymistakes]

A man only needs one woman to talk to, his GF/wife.

 

This sounds seriously creepy, though, like you think women are a different species capable of nothing but having sex and going shopping. I mean, if that's what you think, then sure you'd probably only want one of them around to fulfill the necessary sex functions, but you probably wouldn't want to talk much to it either because it would bore you.

 

If you can't think of any reason to have a conversation with a female that you're not sleeping with, what does that say about you?

 

Are you trying to get into the pants of every woman on this forum you're having a conversation with?

[road]

I have never really had a female friend that actually wanted to hang out and do things together that was not interested in at least hooking up. Never.

 

These busted dudes that you are hanging out with, the moment a pretty girl (my assumption is that you are hot) says she wants to hang out with them, they immediately are gonna think you are into them. Why shouldn't they, when attractive women normally never spend time with them? Unless you are crystal clear from the beginning that you are NOT into them, they're gonna assume you are. I know I would.

 

Even if the women are up front about just friends speech.

 

They are going to work the ability for her willing to actually

talk to them into getting her to be their GF.

 

A hungry man will eat hard stale Italian bread.

 

Even though he wants a nice hot veal culet parmigiana hero

with fresh mozzarella and basil.

 

Some attention is so much better then no attention.

[road]

This sounds seriously creepy, though, like you think women are a different species capable of nothing but having sex and going shopping. I mean, if that's what you think, then sure you'd probably only want one of them around to fulfill the necessary sex functions, but you probably wouldn't want to talk much to it either because it would bore you.

 

If you can't think of any reason to have a conversation with a female that you're not sleeping with, what does that say about you?

 

Are you trying to get into the pants of every woman on this forum you're having a conversation with?

 

Point out where I said that women can not talk about the

things that I wrote?

 

If not then please do not make points based on things I did

not write.

 

Men do not need to talk to women about things period.

 

It is called protecting the relationship. Having boundaries is

the first step to affair proofing a relationship. The second step

is to maintain those boundaries.

 

Through the decades I have seen too many PA's that started as

EA's because of men and women becoming involved through

conversations through work and recreational activities.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

It is called protecting the relationship. Having boundaries is

the first step to affair proofing a relationship. The second step

is to maintain those boundaries.

 

Through the decades I have seen too many PA's that started as

EA's because of men and women becoming involved through

conversations through work and recreational activities.

 

Right.

 

I agree with that. In a sense, having too much fun with someone else of the opposite sex is a no-no. Not only because of the threat of an affair, but because, well it makes the person feel bad.

 

Now, I have another female friend who is very physically attractive who is a yuppie socialite. No threat.

 

The parameters get cloudy when you enter a relationship.

 

But the initial discussion was I believe, "Can men and women be friends when they are both single?"

 

The answer to that question for me is a resounding yes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I've had a close happily married male friend for a few years now. There is zero romantic or sexual interest from either side.

 

But yeah, most others have either blatantly tried for sex or I could sense that they wanted to.

[somanymistakes]

Point out where I said that women can not talk about the

things that I wrote?

 

If not then please do not make points based on things I did

not write.

 

Men do not need to talk to women about things period.

 

No, you didn't say that women can't talk about things, but you also say there is no reason to talk to women. This implies that women are not interesting enough to be worth your time.

 

Even if what you really meant is "I could be friends with that person, but it's too dangerous because I might catch feelings" that still ends up giving off a kind of negative vibe, in the same way as if you said you could be friends with someone but you're afraid you'll catch a disease by being near them. Because of that, it tends to provoke a strong negative/defensive reaction.

 

It is called protecting the relationship. Having boundaries is

the first step to affair proofing a relationship. The second step

is to maintain those boundaries.

 

Through the decades I have seen too many PA's that started as

EA's because of men and women becoming involved through

conversations through work and recreational activities.

 

Avoiding affairs is a separate subject from talking about the idea of men and women never being friends period.

 

 

Just got back from having lunch with a male friend (and his girlfriend). We talked about computers and sailboats, mostly. Interestingly for thread statistics, this is one male friend who I am pretty sure WOULD go for it if I hopped into his bed naked and demanded sex. He also knows that i never, ever would. We've been friends for ten years. He's not pining for me, he's just the kind of guy who would probably never say no to sex. And that's fine, we both know where we stand.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Just got back from having lunch with a male friend (and his girlfriend). We talked about computers and sailboats, mostly. Interestingly for thread statistics, this is one male friend who I am pretty sure WOULD go for it if I hopped into his bed naked and demanded sex. He also knows that i never, ever would. We've been friends for ten years. He's not pining for me, he's just the kind of guy who would probably never say no to sex. And that's fine, we both know where we stand.

 

That's because he's a guy.

 

I've never even seen what you look like and I'm guessing I'd want to have sex with you. The chances are good. Doesn't mean anything.

 

I actually think when men have had sex with a woman, it releases the sexual tension for them. It's easier for me to be friends with a woman I've had sex with. That's not uncomfortable. I don't have to worry about them saying stuff like "JJS is unattractive. Never in a million years would I have sex with him." That might be uncomfortable.

[Bastile]

I don't keep female friends - haven't in quite a while. I don't see much point. Female company and intimacy is just best whilst having sexual relations. This is just how you get the best out of them.

 

I've found with keeping female friends that I'm giving the same sort of value which is better spent on sexual options. And I don't have limitless energy.

 

Best to compartmentalize. Enjoy female energy through dating. Enjoy male energy through friends. And enjoy good time alone too (as I'm an introvert).

 

I find this to be the best of all worlds.

[somanymistakes]

what on earth is 'female energy' though? Do you feel a magical energy difference when reading forum posts when you don't know whether the author is male or female?

[Usename12]

I pretty much agree with the OP with a few exceptions. A guy can be friends with a woman if he's not attracted to her at all. Maybe she's older, overweight, homely or just not his type.

 

Also, some of my friends' wives are reasonably attractive, but I literally have zero attraction to them. My brain can't process them as anything but platonic and that's a good thing. Had I met them when they were single, maybe I would probably process them differently.

 

But if a straight guy says he is platonic friends with, for example, Hailey Clausen (SI model look her up), assuming she is single, and can spend nights with her out and about without trying for more, I would laugh hard and say "sure dude".

[hotpotato]

I never had a male friend before. The closest one I have is gay. They are more acquaintances, but not like friends where I call up and talk and have lunch and a chat. I just have more in common with women, and I noticed men friends most of the time get real weird on you if you get close enough like you have explained!!!Sorry that happened.

 

I mean I'm nice and cordial to men but I don't come at them for friendship generally. Just some small talk maxes it out.

 

It's a shame because guys are a lot more friendly to women than women are to each other sometimes. But yeah, I wonder why...

 

We need some gay male friends! I met a really cool guy who is a drag queen and also popular in the gay community.

[hotpotato]

Even if the women are up front about just friends speech.

 

They are going to work the ability for her willing to actually

talk to them into getting her to be their GF.

 

A hungry man will eat hard stale Italian bread.

 

Even though he wants a nice hot veal culet parmigiana hero

with fresh mozzarella and basil.

 

Some attention is so much better then no attention.

I was upfront with cyber stalker, and he still wouldnt quit. At some point i was in some telling him nearly everyday i didnt want him(this was right before he completely derailed).

Im to the point where i wont talk to a guy unless i want to have sex with him. Too many guys take being nice very, very wrong.

[hotpotato]

I have never really had a female friend that actually wanted to hang out and do things together that was not interested in at least hooking up. Never.

 

These busted dudes that you are hanging out with, the moment a pretty girl (my assumption is that you are hot) says she wants to hang out with them, they immediately are gonna think you are into them. Why shouldn't they, when attractive women normally never spend time with them? Unless you are crystal clear from the beginning that you are NOT into them, they're gonna assume you are. I know I would.

 

Ynfirtunately, it is the most busted guys that do this! The good looking guys often seem shy. The less attractive a guy is the more optimistic he seems.

 

I feel bad for these guys. It must be hard being 70 and sungle, but ive learned my lesson abt trying to be their friends.

[coolheadal]

I hear in here often how men and women should be friends. Does that even work? It has never worked for me. Its resulted in me being stalked and sexually harassed.

 

No matter how old (sometimes up to 70) or unattractive a guy was, he always thought there was a chance. In fact,ive noticed the less attractive a guy was the more confident he seems.

 

Even just talking, being friendly, and agreeing to work out with a guy, men seem to take very, very wrong.

 

I think it could work if both people are friends who have sex with each other, but to me, thats not a friendship.

 

One of my latest attempts at friendship with a guy was with an older man of 68. He tried to get sexual with me even though hes married. I refused, and i never saw him again.

 

The last time i tried to be friends with a guy, i was on the verge of being cyber stalked. He lives far away, and we chatted on social media. He started hitting on me. I told him i wasnt attracted to him in the least. He invited himself on one of my vacations, and he even thought id go to miami beach with him. I told him if a person isnt fam, my bf, female friends, thats not happening! In true stalker fashion, he kept hitting on me and even tried calling me via social media. This is unfortunately the norm when i try to have male friends.

 

See, when i pick male friends, i dont care what they look like. In fact, they are usually very unattractive. They always seem to think im.being nice to them bc i want them. I goof when i say im single which they see as a green light. I dont think at that moment that 70 year old guy or a guy id never touch is trying to holla (projection).

 

Thats my experience. Trying to have platonic friends has caused me a lot of problems and drama over the years.If i wanted sex and drama id get a bf.

 

Ive never had a man talk to me for nothing. If a man starts talking to a woman, its probably bc hes attracted to her, even if shes 20 and hes 50,60, 70.

 

Having male friends isnt a good choice for some women...

 

Oh your the type to have the older guy be your friend, take you out for coffee and chat with you. Etc. But really why have such a guy friend in the first place. One of my prior GF had such a Guy-Friend When I left she made two older Guy-Friends. She told me she like the attention they gave her. I think she like more than that. I couldn't see why she would if you had me then why have them too. When I left and gone back to my house she would see them for coffee and such. I had tried the same with too with older woman as Gal Friend. She was doing it why can't I do it. But she got upset with me because I had Gal-Friend she had Guy Friend. I had learned that having Guy-Friend she could be doing more than ever.

 

So why did you have all these Guy-Friends OP to look good around your girl friends. Their how to be a reason why. You didn't have to living like this waste your time with these jerks so you place yourself in your own mess. You can't tell guys they're this and that and they're looking for attractive woman like yourself. So you played them. They gone after you. Of course what the did was wrong and what you did was wrong. You should have dropped them all and forget them. Nothing wrong with guy friends if you keep it that way. Can't mix both and use them as BF or FWB. Either way you need to figure that out.

 

I have more woman friends than guy friends. I mean woman I could really date. I do have one that I can't drop off the radar. I must have did something in a way for her to always want me the way she does. I can't be with her for a a few reasons. 1 she's still married, I just told her we can be friends only nothing else. The husband is too playing around and not even in this state. He does everything a husband does.

 

But in you know what we do can cause things to happen. People take things the wrong way!

[road]

I was upfront with cyber stalker, and he still wouldnt quit. At some point i was in some telling him nearly everyday i didnt want him(this was right before he completely derailed).

Im to the point where i wont talk to a guy unless i want to have sex with him. Too many guys take being nice very, very wrong.

 

I man trying to use the friend strategy to get a girlfriend is

no where the same level as a stalker.

 

First thing a woman is to do is tell him she is calling 911

and getting a restraining order against him.

[Grumpybutfun]

Look, men and women, and men and men and women and women do a very odd dance. I have had ladies since elementary as my friends. I've also had women who have came onto me knowing I'm happily married. Big deal. You just establish your boundaries and stop foolishness in its tracks. It has been amusing and treated with compassion.

I've had many women who wanted more and I knew it, but because they knew the type of man I am, and my loyalty to my wife and kids, I've never been compromised.

Plus my wife always says that I'm clueless, but I sometimes just act that way to get away from unwanted attention. We do not have to engage.

Best,

G

[road]

Ynfirtunately, it is the most busted guys that do this! The good looking guys often seem shy. The less attractive a guy is the more optimistic he seems.

 

I feel bad for these guys. It must be hard being 70 and sungle, but ive learned my lesson abt trying to be their friends.

 

Because the good looking guys act shy because they are selective

and will not go out with just anyone. So they try not to draw

unnecessary female attention.

 

The "busted guys" aka "losers" will act optimistic because he is trying

to close the deal and get a girlfriend. He knows he has to work extra

hard because he has less to work with.

[Fair]

I would love to have male friends and have tried but it's just not possible. It's a shame because it's not easy for a woman to have women friends either... so what do you do?

[Fair]

I pretty much agree with the OP with a few exceptions. A guy can be friends with a woman if he's not attracted to her at all. Maybe she's older, overweight, homely or just not his type.

 

Also, some of my friends' wives are reasonably attractive, but I literally have zero attraction to them. My brain can't process them as anything but platonic and that's a good thing. Had I met them when they were single, maybe I would probably process them differently.

 

But if a straight guy says he is platonic friends with, for example, Hailey Clausen (SI model look her up), assuming she is single, and can spend nights with her out and about without trying for more, I would laugh hard and say "sure dude".

 

Not sure about this. Why would a man want to be friends with a homely, overweight woman? Sure there might be zero attraction, but men still don't want to be just friends with them. They have their male friends... with women it's sex or nothing.

[Grumpybutfun]

Not sure about this. Why would a man want to be friends with a homely, overweight woman? Sure there might be zero attraction, but men still don't want to be just friends with them. They have their male friends... with women it's sex or nothing.

 

To understand this go to MGTOW or Intel sites. Some men simply don't see women as human.

G

[Bastile]

Not sure about this. Why would a man want to be friends with a homely, overweight woman? Sure there might be zero attraction, but men still don't want to be just friends with them. They have their male friends... with women it's sex or nothing.

 

I agree with you, and the women here. Most guys use "friendship" as a mating strategy.

 

But also, most women use "friendship" as a provisioning strategy.

 

I really think where there is any sexuality or attraction involved at all on any side, it isn't a friendship.

 

There was one girl ages back that I was flirting with, who would subtly back away from me escalating it. I accepted it, and didn't push it further. But she kept doing things for me, and making me laugh, so I considered a friendship as fine.

 

It was a mistake lol.

 

She got really jealous whenever I was doing anything with other women, to the point of being a little sabotage. But I finally had enough when we were out drinking one night in a group, and I put my arm around her - in the same stupid manner that I do with all my mates when I'm drunk. It meant nothing, we were just at the bar ffs, but she got really weird about it. Was acting weird the rest of the night.

 

That was what made me understand how stupid it was. I'm not going to second guess myself around so-called friends. I don't need that sh*t.

 

If I'm going to put up with a woman's sulk, it should be a romantic situation. Men are more low-maintenance, and, as friends, it makes for an easier life.