He says I am So Dumb for doing this. Am I? [I’m going to meet my online lover.]

[ItsAllConfusing]

I am crazy for this guy. I can't move on from him. It's been 3 years. He doesn't give me what I want emotionally. I am just attracted to him. I want him to want me on a level other than sexual but I just know deep down it will never happen.

 

I recently told him again how I wanted him beyond just sex and he said something to the effect of that he would love to be with me but that we are in different states and that if he moved to my state I would be the one for him.

 

But still, he does not make much of an effort to learn about me. It doesn't take that much to talk to someone about other things than sex. I always ask him how he is and I give him encouragement and advice and he never does this with me. I feel like he doesn't do this because he doesn't really care. I am just there as a pastime.

 

He is 5 years younger than me(26), a different race, a different culture and childless ( I have 1). I know I am wasting my time but I am stuck on him. I have a guy who is the complete opposite of him who is willing to give me everything but I just don't feel that spark and excitement like I feel with the other guy. I hate myself for it but I can't help it. When this guy is talking to me I am thinking about him.:/ When I need to fantasize I think about him.

 

Sometimes he acts like he cares for instance when I left him for 3 months. I came back and he told me how sad it was that someone he cares about so much just leaves him. He recently told me not to disappear again. I take these as signs that he cares but I am just a blind old bat, I think. He has wanted to meet me on many occasions over these 3 years but I backed out and he has told me no commitments until he sees me.He says he is planning to visit in 2 months. I won't back out this time.

 

I have never had this feeling about anyone before. It's like I am trapped and I can't get out no matter what I try to do. Why is this? He is the first guy that I ever really sexted with. He really brought me out of my shell and helped me to express those pent up sexual urges. He was also there during a difficult time of my life (he didn't help me through this but his presence helped me greatly. I never really talked to him about my difficulties.

 

What is wrong with me?

[flowerylife]

I believe emotional and physical S P A C E will bring answers and explainations.

 

You can't find solutions in your bubble, you must step outside and look at it from the far, that can take up to 3 months of separation. But it will be essential to get your answers from within yourself. Not from people who don't know you, but the answers are W I T H I N you!

 

Sometimes we need to hit the road in order to see if we miss what we left behind.

[justwhoiam]

 

What is wrong with me?

You're caught up in a fantasy. It may turn out nice, or not. Be prepared. Meet him ASAP and see how it goes. Don't have sex with him on your first meetup.

[Zolatola]

You like drama. You like the scarcity and unavailability. "The spark" is just garbage.

 

You're not mature enough for a real relationship, so you seek out unavailable men.

[Cookiesandough]

Low self-esteem You need validation from him to feel worthy

Edited July 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

Maybe he is kind of an empty vessel. You know there are people who aren't that emotional.

[Novz]

Do something else that makes you satisfied without being with him. You need to feel good about yourself and not depend it on him.

[ItsAllConfusing]

After 3 years of online love. I’m going to meet my online lover. As bad as he makes me feel at times I’m going to do it. I need the clarity. I need to meet him to understand why I am so driven to him, why I can’t just let him go. Almost every day I have struggled with our “relationship”. I feel that meeting him will either help me break away from him or strengthen my desire for him.

 

I reserved a hotel for a night (I have not been charged yet and there is plenty of time to cancel). My online friend who actually loves me is pissed at me because I am paying the greatest portion of the hotel bill. He says that I am acting like a prostitute and asked me what woman pays to get #ucked. He said I should just be a prostitute so that I can make money. He said I am dumb and a man who loves me would pay. My online lover told me that he is strapped for cash but that he will pay something towards the bill.

 

My online friend is not a bad person. He would give me the world. I met him only 4 months ago and he says he is mad for me. He is from a different country. He’s constantly sending me nude vids and pics and wants the same from me. He gives me great advice and says he thinks of me as his wife, he is very overwhelming at times and requires so much attention. He already knew about my online lover the first day we met. He constantly compares himself to him and it’s so draining.

 

I’ve already talked to my online lover and let him know that I might not be up to being intimate and he says that is fine and it’s not the purpose of us meeting. He says that he would also handle all food, take me out to dinner etc… He’s actually coming to visit relatives and is going to stop in to see me for a day before visiting family. He already booked his flight.

 

So I am all for it. I want to meet him. I’ve been putting this off for years and now I am ready. I don’t feel bad for paying the greatest portion for the room, in fact I like taking this charge. I feel like it is my room and I am in control in some weird way. I guess my friend struck a nerve in me. He is always so inquisitive and he is probably right and so I wanted some opinions on this situation.

 

If I cancelled on my online lover he’d be stranded for a day and night in a city that he is not familiar with and I am not that callous. Lastly, I just feel guilty that I’ve upset my online friend but I can’t help it I need to do what I have to do.

Edited July 27, 2017 by ItsAllConfusing

[Imajerk17]

You ARE being dumb paying for a hotel room, especially given your financial situation...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/627060-im-43-700-dollars-debt-i-think-end

 

 

...and that you have a child who depends on you. Ma'am, with all due respect, you are being incredibly irresponsible. (And I didn't even get into how you are wasting your other online "friend" 's time.)

[ItsAllConfusing]

You ARE being dumb paying for a hotel room, especially given your financial situation...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/627060-im-43-700-dollars-debt-i-think-end

 

 

...and that you have a child who depends on you.

 

Well I worked extra so I have extra to spend.

[Gr8fuln2020]

What a mess. First of all, he is NOT your lover. He is a stranger for the most part, an online fantasy w/o substance, character, etc. until you actually meet him and start a REAL relationship worthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Over the three years, has he ever sent you something other than nude, pornographic pics of himself? Flowers, letters, gifts, etc.?

 

This is a topic that has come up many times here on LS. Meeting people you don't really know in places where, if he turns out to be a lemon, is not secure or public. He bought plane tickets, but couldn't manage less than $100 for a hotel?

 

This is all so peculiar to me. Too many people take unnecessary risks and have deluded ideas of what a relationship is.

 

It looks like you're going to do this. Make certain your other 'online' friend knows where you are, how to contact you....or better yet, just make certain your real friends and family know where you are.

[ItsAllConfusing]

You ARE being dumb paying for a hotel room, especially given your financial situation...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/627060-im-43-700-dollars-debt-i-think-end

 

 

...and that you have a child who depends on you. Ma'am, with all due respect, you are being incredibly irresponsible. (And I didn't even get into how you are wasting your other online "friend" 's time.)

 

I have caught up since then. I still have student loans but everything else has been taken care of.

[RecentChange]

Sounds like a right mess if you ask me.

 

Like they say, you can be any one you want on the internet.

 

Nothing is "real" unless you are interacting with the person in real life. Flesh and blood.

 

I would step away from the online friendships and concentrate on developing real life ones.

[ItsAllConfusing]

What a mess. First of all, he is NOT your lover. He is a stranger for the most part, an online fantasy w/o substance, character, etc. until you actually meet him and start a REAL relationship worthy of a healthy relationship.

 

Over the three years, has he ever sent you something other than nude, pornographic pics of himself? Flowers, letters, gifts, etc.?

 

This is a topic that has come up many times here on LS. Meeting people you don't really know in places where, if he turns out to be a lemon, is not secure or public. He bought plane tickets, but couldn't manage less than $100 for a hotel?

 

This is all so peculiar to me. Too many people take unnecessary risks and have deluded ideas of what a relationship is.

 

It looks like you're going to do this. Make certain your other 'online' friend knows where you are, how to contact you....or better yet, just make certain your real friends and family know where you are.

 

 

You’re right. I know I am being a fool. I felt pressured into booking the room. It’s the idea of him that I love. I probably won’t do it and on top of that I will drop my online friend. It’s the feeling of being in your 30s and knowing each year that you get older your value (towards other men) decreases. I’ll get my senses together.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Sounds like a right mess if you ask me.

 

Like they say, you can be any one you want on the internet.

 

Nothing is "real" unless you are interacting with the person in real life. Flesh and blood.

 

I would step away from the online friendships and concentrate on developing real life ones.

 

You are right. I think I need to cut technology completely or at least 95%. How do I get out of this? You can see how much of a mess I am. I seem confident in the post but now I am backpedaling.

[Zahara]

knowing each year that you get older your value (towards other men) decreases.

 

Your value isn't determined by these men. This comment alone is indicative of your poor sense of self.

[smackie9]

judging from the previous threads you act on impulse and make poor decisions. You are 30 years old with a child....grow up. Stop these online affairs and get yourself into therapy....your kid need a mother that has her head on straight, no some ding-a-ling that chases rainbows.

[ItsAllConfusing]

You ARE being dumb paying for a hotel room, especially given your financial situation...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/627060-im-43-700-dollars-debt-i-think-end

 

 

...and that you have a child who depends on you. Ma'am, with all due respect, you are being incredibly irresponsible. (And I didn't even get into how you are wasting your other online "friend" 's time.)

 

Thank you for your honest opinion without being a jerk. It is much appreciated.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You’re right. I know I am being a fool. I felt pressured into booking the room. It’s the idea of him that I love. I probably won’t do it and on top of that I will drop my online friend. It’s the feeling of being in your 30s and knowing each year that you get older your value (towards other men) decreases. I’ll get my senses together.

 

Yes, DON'T GO. CANCEL and let this guy figure out what to do with his extra day in a town where his family lives. He has family, so he has a place to go, right?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't have a problem with you or anyone finally meeting someone you've been chatting with online but I do have a problem with you meeting someone who, by your own admission, doesn't give you what you want and need and often doesn't seem to really care about you the way you do about him.

 

THAT is bigger problem here and whole bag of crazy.

 

Have you Skyped or FaceTimed at all in those 3 years? How do you know he's legit? Smells like a potential Catfish episode to me.

 

 

As for this other online 'friend' who is really just another stranger wanting more than to be just 'friends'. He's clearly jealous. He's annoyed that you're stuck on this other dude and will say whatever he feels will be most dramatic to make his point. He has his own agenda regarding you.

 

 

Personally, they both sound like trouble. Where are you meeting these men? What's with all the LDR??

 

I've read your other posts and I'm concerned that you're focusing all your time, energy and money on the wrong things.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Your value isn't determined by these men. This comment alone is indicative of your poor sense of self.

 

Come on let's be honest. I am 30 AND a mom, what guys am I going to attract? I certainly don't attract the ones that I want so yes with age my value is decreasing. It's not poor sense of self it is hard cold reality.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I don't have a problem with you or anyone finally meeting someone you've been chatting with online but I do have a problem with you meeting someone who, by your own admission, doesn't give you what you want and need and often doesn't seem to really care about you the way you do about him.

 

THAT is bigger problem here and whole bag of crazy.

 

Have you Skyped or FaceTimed at all in those 3 years? How do you know he's legit? Smells like a potential Catfish episode to me.

 

 

As for this other online 'friend' who is really just another stranger wanting more than to be just 'friends'. He's clearly jealous. He's annoyed that you're stuck on this other dude and will say whatever he feels will be most dramatic to make his point. He has his own agenda regarding you.

 

 

Personally, they both sound like trouble. Where are you meeting these men? What's with all the LDR??

 

I've read your other posts and I'm concerned that you're focusing all your time, energy and money on the wrong things.

 

You are 100% right. I meet them online on social sites. I can't meet anyone in real life. I am like nonexistent. The men that do approach me are married, really old, or homeless.

 

Honestly, I feel deep down inside that I am making the wrong choice. I know he isn't the one for me. I don't know why. I am just stuck.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I don't have a problem with you or anyone finally meeting someone you've been chatting with online but I do have a problem with you meeting someone who, by your own admission, doesn't give you what you want and need and often doesn't seem to really care about you the way you do about him.

 

THAT is bigger problem here and whole bag of crazy.

 

Have you Skyped or FaceTimed at all in those 3 years? How do you know he's legit? Smells like a potential Catfish episode to me.

 

 

As for this other online 'friend' who is really just another stranger wanting more than to be just 'friends'. He's clearly jealous. He's annoyed that you're stuck on this other dude and will say whatever he feels will be most dramatic to make his point. He has his own agenda regarding you.

 

 

Personally, they both sound like trouble. Where are you meeting these men? What's with all the LDR??

 

I've read your other posts and I'm concerned that you're focusing all your time, energy and money on the wrong things.

 

I haven't SKPYED, he has wanted to but I shied away from that. He has wanted to meet me on multiple occasions but I shied away from that too because I felt that all he wanted was sex. I have talked to him on the phone. He send me pics. I am going to part ways with this other online guy too. Yes, I am spending too much time, energy, and money on all of the wrong things.

[Zahara]

Come on let's be honest. I am 30 AND a mom, what guys am I going to attract? I certainly don't attract the ones that I want so yes with age my value is decreasing. It's not poor sense of self it is hard cold reality.

 

I read your other threads. Just as Smackie said, get yourself into therapy and focus on your child.

 

There is so much more to life than snagging a man. The hard cold reality is that you see no value in yourself therefore settle for situations like these.

 

A child and being 30 isn't what's unattractive. It's the vibe you put out there, the energy that you exude and the decisions you make for yourself that is probably what keeps you where you are.

[knabe]

Come on let's be honest. I am 30 AND a mom, what guys am I going to attract? I certainly don't attract the ones that I want so yes with age my value is decreasing. It's not poor sense of self it is hard cold reality.

 

This is what bitter PUA guys who want to cradle rob say. It's a crock. I am almost 50 and I found someone amazing. AND I have 2 kids and am not skinny.

 

Don't sell yourself short over a lie told to make women insecure.