He says I am So Dumb for doing this. Am I? [I’m going to meet my online lover.]

[Gr8fuln2020]

Come on let's be honest. I am 30 AND a mom, what guys am I going to attract? I certainly don't attract the ones that I want so yes with age my value is decreasing. It's not poor sense of self it is hard cold reality.

 

There are many single mothers out there. Many do not go to the lengths that you are going to to find someone and as tough as it is, ladies in your demographics do find someone, but your efforts and current testimony sounds very desperate. Why would the interest of a specter of a man from online have interest in you, but not someone local? Have you tried getting out, seeing local men? Your relationship with the other 'online' friend also seems telling. I don't know your history, but it sounds like you need to get out more.

 

I understand you have a child. Think about what you are risking.

[ItsAllConfusing]

judging from the previous threads you act on impulse and make poor decisions. You are 30 years old with a child....grow up. Stop these online affairs and get yourself into therapy....your kid need a mother that has her head on straight, no some ding-a-ling that chases rainbows.

 

Ok. Thank you but I haven't made any impulsive decisions besides this one and maybe one other one. I think and think about things that I want to do but I never do it because I am always so cautious. It felt good to make such a spontaneous decision and reserve that room because I always play it safe. I always have my kid's best interest in mind in fact I am like a servant to my kid, honestly. I love my kid and I know what I need to do as a parent but I am also a regular person with needs too. I am not perfect.

[Michelle ma Belle]

You are 100% right. I meet them online on social sites. I can't meet anyone in real life. I am like nonexistent. The men that do approach me are married, really old, or homeless.

 

Honestly, I feel deep down inside that I am making the wrong choice. I know he isn't the one for me. I don't know why. I am just stuck.

 

Sweetie, you're stuck because you're choosing to be stuck. You have all the power but you're trying to romanticize something that is clearly not in your or your child's best interest.

 

If you want to actually meet and date someone then get on a legit dating site! Even if you have to drive to the next town, it's a lot better than these men online from God knows where.

 

Stop trying to make something out of nothing with men you meet on social networks! Seriously. There are better ways to meet men.

[ItsAllConfusing]

There are many single mothers out there. Many do not go to the lengths that you are going to to find someone and as tough as it is, ladies in your demographics do find someone, but your efforts and current testimony sounds very desperate. Why would the interest of a specter of a man from online have interest in you, but not someone local? Have you tried getting out, seeing local men? Your relationship with the other 'online' friend also seems telling. I don't know your history, but it sounds like you need to get out more.

 

I understand you have a child. Think about what you are risking.

 

I don't get out. I work, come home and take care of my child. That is what I do every Monday through Friday. That is my life. I went for a decade without trying to find anyone.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ok. Thank you but I haven't made any impulsive decisions besides this one and maybe one other one. I think and think about things that I want to do but I never do it because I am always so cautious. It felt good to make such a spontaneous decision and reserve that room because I always play it safe. I always have my kid's best interest in mind in fact I am like a servant to my kid, honestly. I love my kid and I know what I need to do as a parent but I am also a regular person with needs too. I am not perfect.

 

Okay. Let's begin by firming your decision not to meet this guy. That's a start.

 

Your being cautious does not mesh with what you were about to do. Have you canceled yet? Do it now.

[smackie9]

If you have a good attitude by being confident, independent and live your life in a positive manner (having interests, good social life) you will attract good men.

[ItsAllConfusing]

I read your other threads. Just as Smackie said, get yourself into therapy and focus on your child.

 

There is so much more to life than snagging a man. The hard cold reality is that you see no value in yourself therefore settle for situations like these.

 

A child and being 30 isn't what's unattractive. It's the vibe you put out there, the energy that you exude and the decisions you make for yourself that is probably what keeps you where you are.

 

Thank you. This is actually eye opening. I never cared about snagging a man this much before. I have only been in one relationship (with my child's father). This is helpful thank you.

[ItsAllConfusing]

This is what bitter PUA guys who want to cradle rob say. It's a crock. I am almost 50 and I found someone amazing. AND I have 2 kids and am not skinny.

 

Don't sell yourself short over a lie told to make women insecure.

 

Thank you. I am happy for you. It seems like you are in a loving relationship. That's beautiful.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Okay. Let's begin by firming your decision not to meet this guy. That's a start.

 

Your being cautious does not mesh with what you were about to do. Have you canceled yet? Do it now.

 

Yes that's the thing because I am always cautious, I've decided not to be and just go with it but yes I am going to cancel and I will most likely make a follow up thread.

[ItsAllConfusing]

If you have a good attitude by being confident, independent and live your life in a positive manner (having interests, good social life) you will attract good men.

 

That is a start. Thanks.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Do you have family or friends to help with your child so that you can get out some? Perhaps a sitter?

[Imajerk17]

Please cancel your hotel reservation (if you already made it) ASAP. Like, now before you post again. You want to get the hold off your credit card. Then after you take care of that financial matter, cut BOTH of your online contacts loose, they are both just a drain on your emotional energy.

 

Meanwhile, you still have needs as an adult and no one is judging you for that. Many MANY people your age are single parents, you have the advantage that your child is a bit older--lower maintenance. Anyway, you can keep meeting guys from online but LOCAL guys. You can screen these guys out over coffee or lunch or whatever at a public place a short drive over.

Edited July 27, 2017 by Imajerk17

[knabe]

Thank you. I am happy for you. It seems like you are in a loving relationship. That's beautiful.

 

I'm not a unicorn. You can have that too. Focus on you and being the best and most healthy you can be. Be a great mom. There are men out there who value that.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you won't behave like a responsible adult for yourself, do it for your child.

 

This is a terribly foolish idea and your online friend is a complete creepshow.

[normal person]

Do yourself a favor and stop talking to both of these guys immediately. You act like being in a relationship with a strange man you've never met is somehow better than not being in a relationship with a strange man you've never met. It's not. If you want to meet someone, I'm sure there are plenty of avenues available that are much, much, safer.

 

You say you haven't even Skyped with the guy. So consider this -- even if he is who he says he is, he can't even be sure you're who you say you are and he still wants to meet you. That's just lunacy on his part. It represents terrible judgment, and that should be terrifying to you. I would never travel out of the city to meet someone who wouldn't FaceTime me. Not FaceTiming to begin with should be a red flag for him to see, and the fact that he ignored that red flag and wants to come see you anyways should be just as big of a red flag for you. Do not meet this guy or talk to him ever again.

 

Also, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but a guy in his 30s who can't afford a hotel room for one night is probably not worth sending a second message to, let alone expending this much mental energy over. There is "bad news" written all over this. You need to stop romanticizing this for your own sake, he's not your "online lover" he's a strange guy you've never met, without $200 to his name, who's willing to travel to meet someone whose identity he can't confirm. Not quite the beginning of a Harlequin romance novel here.

 

 

If I cancelled on my online lover he’d be stranded for a day and night in a city that he is not familiar with and I am not that callous.

 

But at what price to you? Cancel right now while there's still time to avoid feeling bad about it and don't talk to him or the other guy ever again. Please, you'd be doing yourself (and your daughter) a favor.

[Gr8fuln2020]

He’s actually coming to visit relatives and is going to stop in to see me for a day before visiting family. He already booked his flight....

 

If I cancelled on my online lover he’d be stranded for a day and night in a city that he is not familiar with and I am not that callous.

 

Normal_Person reminded me of the above...

 

He's actually going to visit relatives, but you feel that he will be stranded? How does this make sense? He has family in the city, so you should NOT be feeling guilty AT ALL. You said yourself that he was visiting relatives anyway.

[Versacehottie]

Ok, not going to comment on all the other stuff (have to read whole thread & sounds like there's some history). I will just say to disregard what your online friend says about the situation. If he has romantic feelings (or wants to hook up with you), he can't really be neutral. Not to mention, you really shouldn't be filling him in on this stuff if you know he likes you but you don't feel the same (it's just needy without regard for his feelings). You need distance from the online 'friend'.

 

I think the other stuff is pretty messy. I'm not aware of your other threads, etc but that said, I can somewhat see wanting to "see" what there is between you and the other guy. Maybe some baby steps, like a date rather than a hotel room excursion would be better? After all, he really is a stranger.

 

I also skimmed the part where you seemed to have a really low opinion of yourself. Idk, just a thought, but it's stuff like a low opinion that will keep leading you into situations and people that are less than good for you. You owe yourself more. Good luck

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm mostly curious how you make it ok in your mind to meet someone in person you've been talking to online for 3 years and never video chatted with! Do you not watch MTV's Catfish??

 

Is this guy married?

[ItsAllConfusing]

I'm not a unicorn. You can have that too. Focus on you and being the best and most healthy you can be. Be a great mom. There are men out there who value that.

 

 

Thank you for this advice, I will surely take it.

[ItsAllConfusing]

If you won't behave like a responsible adult for yourself, do it for your child.

 

This is a terribly foolish idea and your online friend is a complete creepshow.

 

I will behave my best for my child. I agree with the online friend. I just sent my goodbye message.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Normal_Person reminded me of the above...

 

He's actually going to visit relatives, but you feel that he will be stranded? How does this make sense? He has family in the city, so you should NOT be feeling guilty AT ALL. You said yourself that he was visiting relatives anyway.

 

He was going to visit family the next day in another state which is only 30 minutes away so I didn't know if he could rearrange his plans and come earlier. I cancelled everything and he said not to worry and that it was ok. Thank you much for your advice.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Do yourself a favor and stop talking to both of these guys immediately. You act like being in a relationship with a strange man you've never met is somehow better than not being in a relationship with a strange man you've never met. It's not. If you want to meet someone, I'm sure there are plenty of avenues available that are much, much, safer.

 

You say you haven't even Skyped with the guy. So consider this -- even if he is who he says he is, he can't even be sure you're who you say you are and he still wants to meet you. That's just lunacy on his part. It represents terrible judgment, and that should be terrifying to you. I would never travel out of the city to meet someone who wouldn't FaceTime me. Not FaceTiming to begin with should be a red flag for him to see, and the fact that he ignored that red flag and wants to come see you anyways should be just as big of a red flag for you. Do not meet this guy or talk to him ever again.

 

Also, I'm not trying to sound like a jerk, but a guy in his 30s who can't afford a hotel room for one night is probably not worth sending a second message to, let alone expending this much mental energy over. There is "bad news" written all over this. You need to stop romanticizing this for your own sake, he's not your "online lover" he's a strange guy you've never met, without $200 to his name, who's willing to travel to meet someone whose identity he can't confirm. Not quite the beginning of a Harlequin romance novel here.

 

 

 

 

But at what price to you? Cancel right now while there's still time to avoid feeling bad about it and don't talk to him or the other guy ever again. Please, you'd be doing yourself (and your daughter) a favor.

 

 

You are right about all of this. I knew it was bad news, in the beginning, to even talk to him but I will admit I kept it up out of loneliness. I don't have success in meeting men locally as I've said the ones that approach me are much older like old enough to be my dad, are homeless or have some sort of dependency. I am really going to try to distance myself from men and the dating world. I guess it's just not meant for me right now. It will be tough but I will figure it out.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Ok, not going to comment on all the other stuff (have to read whole thread & sounds like there's some history). I will just say to disregard what your online friend says about the situation. If he has romantic feelings (or wants to hook up with you), he can't really be neutral. Not to mention, you really shouldn't be filling him in on this stuff if you know he likes you but you don't feel the same (it's just needy without regard for his feelings). You need distance from the online 'friend'.

 

I think the other stuff is pretty messy. I'm not aware of your other threads, etc but that said, I can somewhat see wanting to "see" what there is between you and the other guy. Maybe some baby steps, like a date rather than a hotel room excursion would be better? After all, he really is a stranger.

 

I also skimmed the part where you seemed to have a really low opinion of yourself. Idk, just a thought, but it's stuff like a low opinion that will keep leading you to situations and people that are less than good for you. You owe yourself more. Good luck

 

There is this little voice deep inside of me that says go for it, you never know what can happen but then the voice of reason which is much louder is saying are you serious? You can do much better. It is the thought of him that I love but even from basic conversations I can tell he's not from me. I just keep denying what's in front of my face but all of the comments here have really opened my eyes and the fact that I was going to spend almost $300 to meet him really opened my eyes.

 

It's better to wait than to make foolish decisions like this. There are many personal things that I really should work on before even considering being with someone so I am going to try to work on those things.

 

Thank you.

[ItsAllConfusing]

It's done. I've cut ties and I've cancelled the reservation. He told me that it was ok if I didn't want to meet and that he would stay with friends. Thank you to everyone who commented. This is the first message board that I have ever posted on where people didn't bash me but actually gave me solid advice. I appreciate it. Thank you.

[ItsAllConfusing]

Do you have family or friends to help with your child so that you can get out some? Perhaps a sitter?

 

Yes I do but that won't help because I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to go with.