Female friend has been hurt before, is it possible to help her heal?

[Tiredofbeingalone]

I posted in these forums a few months ago with concerns about one of my female friend's (who I happen to have feelings for) predicaments. Basically she started hanging out with my group of guy friends because she was attracted to one of us, but didn't reveal her feelings until more than 8 months after she began to hang with us (she didn't actually REVEAL her feelings, the rest of us picked up on her signals and figured it out). The good news for all of us came when the two of them actually started dating (I know, sounds weird that I call that good news when I like the girl myself, but I was more concerned with what COULD have happened that would have prevented their relationship i.e. the guy's brother who ALSO liked her). Less than two weeks later, though, they broke up on good terms because she, and I quote, says she is "scared and confused about what she wants in a guy." She says she was attracted to him because he has a future (he's a college student, she's a high school senior, like myself), and that he was a good guy who would listen to her and not hurt her.

 

I wouldn't normally think any further into this situation, but I have reason to believe that this girl may have been seriously hurt in a previous relationship (she's emotionally sensitive, it may have been only emotional abuse she recieved from her last b/f, or physical abuse, I don't know for sure). That seems to me to be a good reason why she would be afraid of getting into another serious relationship, right?

 

If that is indeed the case (which I'm at least 99% sure it is, in every other respect she is a normal teenage girl, except that she hasn't dated anyone for more than 2 weeks in the last year and a half), is there any way that I can help her to overcome that past trauma? I obviously don't want to be too direct with her (she doesn't actually know I have feelings for her, if she did I don't think she would allow herself to be friends with 'the guys' anymore, that would be 3 of the 4 who liked her, kinda awkward), and I would be willing to forego any chance of having a relationship with her if it would achieve the end goal of allowing her to have a love life again.

 

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated, I am really at a loss for ideas as I can't discuss this problem with any of my friends because almost all of them know the girl personally, and I don't think many of them know very much about her history.

[thrillseeker]

Well... If you do like her and care about her you can get her to talk about what's scaring her (do this as a friend, and dont expect to get into her pants). Be her friend and help her let go of her fears. The one danger I see is that if she looks to you for help in this capacity, you'll be drawn in as she opens up to you and you can get hurt. I think that's why they say therapists have a rule about getting attached to their patients...One way of going about it is if you've ever been hurt before, you can talk to her why you personally felt it was worth it to try again, and to let people in. Its important for her to feel like you understand why she feels afraid. If you can come across as someone who has had that identical fear and have overcome it, it may serve as a catalyst and help her overcome her own fear. We ALL risk getting hurt. I think that the more a person is content and satisfied by themselves, the less likely they'll get hurt because they are less likely to need a relationship to complete them (codependence is a bad thing). I wish you the best amigo ;-)

 

Originally posted by Tiredofbeingalone

I posted in these forums a few months ago with concerns about one of my female friend's (who I happen to have feelings for) predicaments. Basically she started hanging out with my group of guy friends because she was attracted to one of us, but didn't reveal her feelings until more than 8 months after she began to hang with us (she didn't actually REVEAL her feelings, the rest of us picked up on her signals and figured it out). The good news for all of us came when the two of them actually started dating (I know, sounds weird that I call that good news when I like the girl myself, but I was more concerned with what COULD have happened that would have prevented their relationship i.e. the guy's brother who ALSO liked her). Less than two weeks later, though, they broke up on good terms because she, and I quote, says she is "scared and confused about what she wants in a guy." She says she was attracted to him because he has a future (he's a college student, she's a high school senior, like myself), and that he was a good guy who would listen to her and not hurt her.

 

I wouldn't normally think any further into this situation, but I have reason to believe that this girl may have been seriously hurt in a previous relationship (she's emotionally sensitive, it may have been only emotional abuse she recieved from her last b/f, or physical abuse, I don't know for sure). That seems to me to be a good reason why she would be afraid of getting into another serious relationship, right?

 

If that is indeed the case (which I'm at least 99% sure it is, in every other respect she is a normal teenage girl, except that she hasn't dated anyone for more than 2 weeks in the last year and a half), is there any way that I can help her to overcome that past trauma? I obviously don't want to be too direct with her (she doesn't actually know I have feelings for her, if she did I don't think she would allow herself to be friends with 'the guys' anymore, that would be 3 of the 4 who liked her, kinda awkward), and I would be willing to forego any chance of having a relationship with her if it would achieve the end goal of allowing her to have a love life again.

 

Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated, I am really at a loss for ideas as I can't discuss this problem with any of my friends because almost all of them know the girl personally, and I don't think many of them know very much about her history.

[Tiredofbeingalone]

Thanks thrillseeker, that's just about what I was thinking of doing and exactly what I wanted to hear right now. I have been hurt in the past, in fact she is the first girl I've let myself care about since my last relationship (when I was hurt by deception, lies, etc.). I'll wait a few weeks to take action, of our group of 5 friends she and I are the only ones still in high school, one will be shipping off to boot camp, the one she was most recently dating will move back to college, and the other one will be going back to work full time, so I'll be able to have some time alone with her.