Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I was wondering if anyone had any input... I met a guy on OKcupid last year. We had 1 coffee date. He was nice, very intelligent, handsome, tall, really great job. Everything great except no click/connection. After coffee he wanted to get dinner at this place down the street. I agreed at first but as we were walking over, I changed my mind. I pretended my friend texted me and I told him my friend needs me immediately. I have to run. He texted me shortly after asking if everything was alright and for a 2nd date. At first I said yea, sounds good, but decided I didn't want to date anymore, so I stopped responding and eventually blocked him. I realize how immature this was and I don't do this anymore, I came back to the site and we matched up again now months later. I initiated contact, "Hey, how've you been?"He said it's been a long time blah blah. He thought it's been *years* but it was last year. I know because I only started OLD last yr. He asked me if I was free to go to dinner with him this weekend or next weekend. I said next weekend is good. The problem is that I ghosted him awhile back and we haven't even addressed it. I don't know if he still feels a little annoyance about me for that, like how I should excuse it if it comes up, or just avoid it and hope he's forgotten about it. Another issue is that the reason I ghosted the first time still remains. I didn't feel immediate spark with him, but close enough, maybe I could be swayed. I don't know. I am not sure he or I want anything more than a casual relationship now anyway. I've been playing a lot of Overwatch lately and just enjoying singlehood), so a date wouldn't do much harm right? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) It's usually not my style to personally criticize anyone, God knows I'm not perfect... But reading your post's/threads, .I almost feel an anxiety attack coming...The indecision...The subterfuge...The flighty- ness...You have good qualities, but this stuff should drive any decent guy to the nearest gin mill.. The guy should have cold shouldered you...That's what any self respecting guy should do...And if you don't really feel anything, why on earth would you want to do this again? It has almost zero chance of becoming anything... I do wish you well....But forgive me for saying this,,,You should work on being more direct in what you want and what twists your knobs...Good guys like peaceful and strong willed women who aren't all over the place...This type of thing will surely run any good guy off.. TFY Edited July 28, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 15 Link to post Share on other sites
dawnsanders54 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 ...there is no spark. Don't use someone for a free meal, especially someone you ghosted. (Which, btw, I didn't know was a thing until it happened to me ?). Ghosting pretty much tears someone down, making them feel like they're not good enough for anyone. I am a strong, confident woman, but ghosting and being shady is one way to tear me down. Never lead someone on. Be honest and up front. It will lead to understanding & no hurt feelings (maybe the occasional butthole, but thats life). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 You didn't feel any spark back then, you don't feel it now and you're not sure you're ready to date - so why do you want to go out with him again? Is it about an ego boost to you? Cause from your threads I get an impression that that's exactly why you need men for, at this point of your life. Besides, you say you'd never take a ghost back. But you're willing to ghost and come back yourself? Live by your words. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 TFY I appreciate your insight. You're right, I am not very appealing option for guys to date and yeah, it would be hard to get/keep a decent guy interested(at least at present.) I'm very anxious about dating and This guy -- I already have met him, he's met me, unlike the other thumbnail images and text I've talked to on OLD, so it feels more comfortable and safe... I was hoping he forgot what happened because he thought we went out years ago. But if he mentions it, I was going to tell him I just got nervous about OLD. It would be up to him to believe me. I'm worried if he does remember he will not like/respect me anymore because I was the type who did that. Thank you. ...there is no spark. Don't use someone for a free meal, especially someone you ghosted. (Which, btw, I didn't know was a thing until it happened to me ). Ghosting pretty much tears someone down, making them feel like they're not good enough for anyone. I am a strong, confident woman, but ghosting and being shady is one way to tear me down. Never lead someone on. Be honest and up front. It will lead to understanding & no hurt feelings (maybe the occasional butthole, but thats life). So you don't think I should go and give it a shot. You don't think I should go out with him. I think their is a 90% chance you are right. A lot of people say give it a few dates to see if chemistry develops. You are totally right about ghosting. I don't do that anymore and it's particularly cowardly way to handle a situation. These days I always tell the person if we have met face to face at least once that I just don't think it will work out and hope that they have the courtesy to do the same for me if they aren't interested. These two posts have convinced me to cancel our date tmrw. It's not worth the chance, esp. considering what I've already done. There are too many other guys out there. Thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Double ppost. Lorenza, it really is not an ego boost. Most of my dates,if you were a fly on the wall, are the most ego-shattering, humiliating things for me ever. But you are right that I need to live by words. I'm canceling it. Thank you for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
guy45 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I was wondering if anyone had any input... I met a guy on OKcupid last year. We had 1 coffee date. He was nice, very intelligent, handsome, tall, really great job. Everything great except no click/connection. After coffee he wanted to get dinner at this place down the street. I agreed at first but as we were walking over, I changed my mind. I pretended my friend texted me and I told him my friend needs me immediately. I have to run. He texted me shortly after asking if everything was alright and for a 2nd date. At first I said yea, sounds good, but decided I didn't want to date anymore, so I stopped responding and eventually blocked him. I realize how immature this was and I don't do this anymore, I came back to the site and we matched up again now months later. I initiated contact, "Hey, how've you been?"He said it's been a long time blah blah. He thought it's been *years* but it was last year. I know because I only started OLD last yr. He asked me if I was free to go to dinner with him this weekend or next weekend. I said next weekend is good. The problem is that I ghosted him awhile back and we haven't even addressed it. I don't know if he still feels a little annoyance about me for that, like how I should excuse it if it comes up, or just avoid it and hope he's forgotten about it. Another issue is that the reason I ghosted the first time still remains. I didn't feel immediate spark with him, but close enough, maybe I could be swayed. I don't know. I am not sure he or I want anything more than a casual relationship now anyway. I've been playing a lot of Overwatch lately and just enjoying singlehood), so a date wouldn't do much harm right? Thanks Oh my God, leave the guy alone please. And he should have more pride than to go out with someone who basically ditched him. If you think your attraction will grow over time it won't, it only goes downhill. Seriously find someone you like. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Double ppost. Lorenza, it really is not an ego boost. Most of my dates,if you were a fly on the wall, are the most ego-shattering, humiliating things for me ever. But you are right that I need to live by words. I'm canceling it. Thank you for your advice. For some people, getting validation isn't as simple as going on nice dates with men who treat them well. I think you only get validated if you get attention from those who initially didn't really want you or, as you say, shattered your ego. Or, in this case, someone you yourself rejected. Really Cookies, so many people have advised you to stop dating and focus on yourself... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 l've found with anything in life my first instinct is usually right, Well yours was to not date him so if it was me l'd go with that or l'd probably end up regretting it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) Your candidness is so touching, cookiesanddough; you really seem sweet, reasonably self-aware, and open to criticism (perhaps too much...). *Cue surge of protective maternal instincts*. Your vulnerability is palpable, and anyone other than a secure man would have a field day turning that to his advantage if you're not careful; on the flip-side, a secure man would end up being turned off by the flip-flopping. For next time, try not to over-analyse. He replied to your message so the odds are he's not so annoyed (this doesn't make him a pushover btw, maybe he's just into giving people second chances) and it's okay to have second thoughts about dating someone, imo. As you say, you're not the same person you were last year and it was still only a date, not a marriage proposal. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to listen to your own mind and not rely to much on what other people think of you. Go make your own mistakes, they'll make you stronger. Edited July 28, 2017 by littleblackheart 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CoolJoe Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Agreed with poster above me. Don't listen to people in this topic. Go on the date if you want to give it another try. He's a big boy he can handle it. I actually recently saw someone a year after our first meeting. Met up with her twice to catch up hoping to see if a spark would develop. It did not but glad I tried. She's a big girl she is fine. Sometimes it doesn't work out but it's worth trying. Better to try than to wonder. Good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 He replied to your message so the odds are he's not so annoyed (this doesn't make him a pushover btw, maybe he's just into giving people second chances) and it's okay to have second thoughts about dating someone, imo. Or maybe he values the opportunity to get laid over his own self respect and dignity...I mean, she effing blocked him... This is not that hard to figure out... TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Or maybe he values the opportunity to get laid over his own self respect...This is not that hard to figure out... TFY Well, yes, it is possible to make yourself sick over-analysing the intentions of some stranger no-one knows. All I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be bad, and OP will never know if she doesn't find out by herself, if that's what she wants to do of course. You can't shield yourself forever because of what ifs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Well, yes, it is possible to make yourself sick over-analysing the intentions of some stranger no-one knows. All I'm saying is that it doesn't have to be bad, and OP will never know if she doesn't find out by herself, if that's what she wants to do of course. You can't shield yourself forever because of what ifs. Yes, true... But here is what we do know... She flaked on him then blocked him....That would be all anyone would need to hear/experience to realize that the other person didn't really have any feelings for them...She didn't tell him she was "sorry that she really didn't want to date" or that her dog died or some other legitimate reason for flaking.. Then pops up out of nowhere....Then admitted she never addressed it...ans still isn't into him... So, I can only imagine two scenarios... The guy figures 'hey, what the hell, maybe I can get some ass here, even if she isn't into me as a person/relationship" or He's just a desperate soul and fulling willing to be crapped on, in hopes of getting a date.... I guess call me a cynic, but on paper, that's what it looks like... TFY 4 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) Yes, true... But here is what we do know... She flaked on him then blocked him....That would be all anyone would need to hear/experience to realize that the other person didn't really have any feelings for them...She didn't tell him she was "sorry that she really didn't want to date" or that her dog died or some other legitimate reason for flaking.. Then pops up out of nowhere....Then admitted she never addressed it...ans still isn't into him... So, I can only imagine two scenarios... The guy figures 'hey, what the hell, maybe I can get some ass here, even if she isn't into me as a person/relationship" or He's just a desperate soul and fulling willing to be crapped on, in hopes of getting a date.... I guess call me a cynic, but on paper, that's what it looks like... TFY You may be right (even if does sound very cynical!), but this isn't about the guy or his intentions, imo. It's about cookiesanddough and how she needs to build up her confidence and some experience by following her own path, even if this means making mistakes along the way (sorry for talking over your head, OP!). Edited July 28, 2017 by littleblackheart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) Tell him you acted immaturely and you regret it and apologize and you pay for dinner. Edited July 28, 2017 by kendahke 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I was hoping he forgot what happened because he thought we went out years ago. But if he mentions it, I was going to tell him I just got nervous about OLD. It would be up to him to believe me. I'm worried if he does remember he will not like/respect me anymore because I was the type who did that. Thank you. So you feel the best course of action is to lie to him and it's up to him if he believes you or not? These two posts have convinced me to cancel our date tmrw. It's not worth the chance, esp. considering what I've already done. There are too many other guys out there. Thank you so much So now you are cancelling with a guy you ghosted / blocked / deleted? You are all over the map and appear to allow an online forum to dictate your actions. As recommended in your other thread, you really need to seek professional help. You are only allowed to get away with this because you are young and presumably attractive. Those will both fade and you will find yourself old, alone, and miserable with one too many cats one day if you don't address your problems. It's not a personal hit on you, I am being sincere as the only way you will find a normal healthy relationship is to get to the bottom of why you are acting like this. I would delete your OLD profiles and fix yourself. In the off chance you did meet the right guy you would screw it up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
guy45 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 You may be right (even if does sound very cynical!), but this isn't about the guy or his intentions, imo. It's about cookiesanddough and how she needs to build up her confidence and some experience by following her own path, even if this means making mistakes along the way (sorry for talking over your head, OP!). Gain experience by tearing down someone's confidence? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) Gain experience by tearing down someone's confidence? I think it would be uncommon for a secure, grown man's confidence to be shattered because someone he barely knows ghosted on him a year ago, no? OP says her ghosting days are behind her, and I believe her. I am in no way advising that anyone should deliberately hurt other people's feelings, but at least listen to your own mind. Edited July 28, 2017 by littleblackheart 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 (edited) I agree w the others, going by your other threads I doubt your readiness to date. If you go, apologize for ghosting (bring it up yourself and be upfront about it), and pick up the check. You can say that you just weren't in the right frame of mind to be dating then. ETA: I saw your update. So your way to resolve things w this guy is to contact him again (which you did), and then flake on him *again* WOW. You really need to work on your decision-making. This is terrible. If you do cancel I hope you apologize for BOTH times. Edited July 28, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 I agree w the others, going by your other threads I doubt your readiness to date. If you go, apologize for ghosting (bring it up yourself and be upfront about it), and pick up the check. You can say that you just weren't in the right frame of mind to be dating then. ETA: I saw your update. So your way to resolve things w this guy is to contact him again (which you did), and then flake on him *again* WOW. You really need to work on your decision-making. This is terrible. If you do cancel I hope you apologize for BOTH times. Why do I get the impression that there is a snowball's chance in hell she would pay for the date? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Usename12 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 OP, the first responder of this thread was spot on. We can only view you from the lens of what you write in this forum, but from all the crazy stuff you write, it seems you've taken capriciousness to the next level. You're all over the map. Guys are already confused by the fickleness of women. If you get into a relationship with a guy and you are like this, I have a feeling you could really mess his head up. It seems you have a bit of a road to travel to know who you are and what you want better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted July 28, 2017 Author Share Posted July 28, 2017 Your candidness is so touching, cookiesanddough; you really seem sweet, reasonably self-aware, and open to criticism (perhaps too much...). *Cue surge of protective maternal instincts*. Your vulnerability is palpable, and anyone other than a secure man would have a field day turning that to his advantage if you're not careful; on the flip-side, a secure man would end up being turned off by the flip-flopping. For next time, try not to over-analyse. He replied to your message so the odds are he's not so annoyed (this doesn't make him a pushover btw, maybe he's just into giving people second chances) and it's okay to have second thoughts about dating someone, imo. As you say, you're not the same person you were last year and it was still only a date, not a marriage proposal. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to listen to your own mind and not rely to much on what other people think of you. Go make your own mistakes, they'll make you stronger. Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate your advice. All advice! But I don't understand some of the ones in the thread like this one: I agree w the others, going by your other threads I doubt your readiness to date. [...] ETA: I saw your update. So your way to resolve things w this guy is to contact him again (which you did), and then flake on him *again* WOW. You really need to work on your decision-making. This is terrible. If you do cancel I hope you apologize for BOTH times. I mean what was I suppose to do? It was pretty unanimous by responses it was a bad idea. I just can't do the right thing. I think you're right I'm not ready to date. To sevencity, nay, I'm not attractive and yes I would have paid for my own food or maybe bought him dinner if he'd allow it, yes, but I'm worried I would not see him again so I took advice and canceled. I won't make a new thread until I go on another date and embarrass myself. That might be awhile. Thank you so much!! Link to post Share on other sites
guy45 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 you can date just date people you like, not some guy who thinks your a ghost, there's no such thing as being ready unless you just got out of a relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate your advice. All advice! But I don't understand some of the ones in the thread like this one: I mean what was I suppose to do? It was pretty unanimous by responses it was a bad idea. I just can't do the right thing. I think you're right I'm not ready to date. To sevencity, nay, I'm not attractive and yes I would have paid for my own food or maybe bought him dinner if he'd allow it, yes, but I'm worried I would not see him again so I took advice and canceled. I won't make a new thread until I go on another date and embarrass myself. That might be awhile. Thank you so much!! What did you tell him when you cancelled. I mean, this is twice you flaked on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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