Going on date with guy I ghosted last year

[Mkn1010]

If a woman is seeking a serious, long-term relationship, she should have expectations. Lots of girls are in casual rships with guys and want serious ones, and do not see the treatment they are getting is not indicative of a man who wants that. Like 3 days without a text and "busy", that sort of stuff. My advice is case by case based on the specific type of rship they want

 

Like my case, there's no casual relationship, we hadn't met even, and though he made attempts to, he stopped being interested to meet and so he tried to string me along for a week later because work blah blah blah ) I would have told any woman talking to a guy online to not let him drag out meeting for a week, penpalling, it's a lack of interest, could be just a priority thing, but why waste your time when there are so many eligible men out there?

 

So if YOU want 'casual', why are you even posting about this guy and the last guy, they wouldn't even be taking up mental space? But fine, go with that. You'll be creating another post in mere days about how some dude isn't living up to how you EXPECT he should act ('penapalling' or whatever else these men do that isn't up to scratch).

[Cookiesandough]

Well for the last guy, I was wondering if it was partly my fault, and maybe it was, I did act very odd (agree to hang out with Him and his buddies after his show then left and ignored texts) AND I wondered if he would come back around again, but then it hit me, if he loses interest that fast, I don't want him to. It couldn't work with us anyway(Could have nothing to do with that, but the same applies)

 

Then this guy I was thinking about going on a date, but worried he would judge me about my ghosting and how I should approach it if the topic came up. He may have forgot. Also I worried I'm not feeling enough sparks. It's mostly a comfort thing for me to go out with him because he's not a TOTAL stranger at least I know what he looks like/his general vibe. But since I'm not that interested I'd be wasting his time and mine, which other people have confirmed for me.

 

 

I got all my answers. I have 3 dates lined up this weekend thank you for your input and explaining what you meant , mk10

 

 

Maybe I can't do casual but you never know til you try

Edited July 31, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Mkn1010]

Well for the last guy, I was wondering if it was partly my fault, and maybe it was, I did act very odd (agree to hang out with Him and his buddies after his show then left and ignored texts) AND I wondered if he would come back around again, but then it hit me, if he loses interest that fast, I don't want him to. It couldn't work with us anyway(Could have nothing to do with that, but the same applies)

 

Then this guy I was thinking about going on a date, but worried he would judge me about my ghosting and how I should approach it if the topic came up. He may have forgot. Also I worried I'm not feeling enough sparks. It's mostly a comfort thing for me to go out with him because he's not a TOTAL stranger at least I know what he looks like/his general vibe. But since I'm not that interested I'd be wasting his time and mine, which other people have confirmed for me.

 

 

I got all my answers. I have 3 dates lined up this weekend thank you for your input and explaining what you meant , mk10

 

 

Maybe I can't do casual but you never know til you try

 

 

3 dates for your weekend is the exact result I expected from you after all the advice in the other thread. Good luck to you

[bluefeather]

The other threads have been somewhat controversial.

 

I read most of Cookie's other threads. I even commented in them. But if all you were saying is that the threads were controversial, I guess that is a fair enough assessment to make. As fair enough as any other, I guess.

 

Edit: you do have to laugh when someone questions your relevance after talking about Nintendo.

 

I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not. I mean, Overwatch isn't even on Nintendo, so... not sure where you were going with that one. I was not questioning your relevance. I was questioning what you were trying to say, because I could not make sense of it. That's all. Maybe everyone else could follow you, but I didn't get it. Well, I got your point now that you put it in plain English, so thanks.

 

C, sorry for derailing. It was just a real "wtf" moment for me there + video games made me pay extra attention to the thread. I'll slowly back away now

[Dis]

Cookies, come on girl...

 

You have had tons of posters telling you you are alllll over the map, are not seeming to grasp the concept that you're not ready to date, you made a post how you have ghosted almost every guy you've dated

 

If not for your own sake, stop dating for the sake of the men on the dating site you're on

 

Your actions arent fair to the people you have dated and are now currently dating

 

You're not taking responsibility for your own actions that are really hurting people. I've always liked your posts but I'm starting to get the notion that you really only care about yourself and what YOU want.

 

The writing is on the wall. Neon bold print. "STOP DATING!"

 

But you keep on going...wtf???

 

Amoung the many things you need to work on... maybe start with your self awareness

 

I'm saying this all with as much kindess as possible but geez... your behavior is very strange and we cant seem to wake you up

[Cookiesandough]

I know you guys are right, mkn10 and Dis. It seems like I am being selfish, but I'm if I wait any longer to practice dating I worry I'll be too far behind and will never want to date again/become a rabbit lady. These dates were ones I just realized I planned awhile back, before I had made this thread. I had actually forgot about them until now. (I didn't even realize I agreed to so many the same weekend)

 

I have serious avoidance issues (avoiding conversations, dates) and if I don't start forcing myself to face situations then I'll miss out on the few good guys I have left to can meet around me.

 

This is really strange. I don't know if it's in my head but one minute it seems like every so many guys are attractive and I cant choose and the next day they all seem meh. I'm very confused and I fear dating takes practice to be good at it and develop a thicker skin so I'm not so avoidant. I have improved some each time I come here after a date and I'm critiqued, I don't do that again on the date.

 

Like littleblackheart said it's just fun at the beginning anyway. No more ghosting anyone, I'm done with that.

 

 

Why are your dates so humiliating?

 

I am socially awkward and lack dating decorum. I start to become hysterical when guys ask me too many prodding questions which usually happens when dates go on too long. Like coffee I can do, but people assume since I can handle that I want to extend the dates to dinner or a long walk ...which you basically HAVE to talk on.

 

For example, this one date I went on I assumed the guy wouldn't like me when we met(which is a reasonable assumption) so I didn't order any food or drink to cost him money. He was the only one who ate and drank at the restaurant. Near the end, he was getting really deep and I got up and said "Well, I had a lot of fun, it was so nice meeting you". He gestured to his beer and asked if he could finish it. I was so embarrassed. I took a shorter way through a bar to get to our cars.. He said "you walk fast". I was like "oh sorry did I lose you." He's like "Almost. I didn't even know about this shortcut. Neat." Awkward hug and That guy never texted or asked me out again until like a month later we matched again on another dating app and he said "We just got busy"...

 

And then I was walking with the guy this thread is about to a restaurant we were almost at the doors and I saw it was a nice restaurant and I would have to order like a full meal so I said "omg my friend just texted, she's broken up with her boyfriend and she needs my support" and sort of ran off. There are a ton of stories like this

Edited August 1, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Chris2016]

I was wondering if anyone had any input... I met a guy on OKcupid last year. We had 1 coffee date. He was nice, very intelligent, handsome, tall, really great job. Everything great except no click/connection.

 

After coffee he wanted to get dinner at this place down the street. I agreed at first but as we were walking over, I changed my mind. I pretended my friend texted me and I told him my friend needs me immediately. I have to run.

 

He texted me shortly after asking if everything was alright and for a 2nd date. At first I said yea, sounds good, but decided I didn't want to date anymore, so I stopped responding and eventually blocked him. I realize how immature this was and I don't do this anymore,

 

I came back to the site and we matched up again now months later. I initiated contact, "Hey, how've you been?"He said it's been a long time blah blah. He thought it's been *years* but it was last year. I know because I only started OLD last yr.

 

He asked me if I was free to go to dinner with him this weekend or next weekend. I said next weekend is good.

 

The problem is that I ghosted him awhile back and we haven't even addressed it. I don't know if he still feels a little annoyance about me for that, like how I should excuse it if it comes up, or just avoid it and hope he's forgotten about it.

 

Another issue is that the reason I ghosted the first time still remains. I didn't feel immediate spark with him, but close enough, maybe I could be swayed. I don't know. I am not sure he or I want anything more than a casual relationship now anyway. I've been playing a lot of Overwatch lately and just enjoying singlehood), so a date wouldn't do much harm right?

 

Thanks

 

Before I read any responses ... For who?

[clia]

You have such a strange dichotomy going on.

 

On the one hand, you say the guys you meet online lack social skills and struggle to make conversation, yet on the other hand you say you are socially awkward and freak out at efforts to make conversation.

 

On the one hand, you seem to have low self esteem (assuming guys won't like you), but on the other hand you kind of act like you are too good for the guys you meet online.

 

I am socially awkward and lack dating decorum. I start to become hysterical when guys ask me too many prodding questions which usually happens when dates go on too long. Like coffee I can do, but people assume since I can handle that I want to extend the dates to dinner or a long walk ...which you basically HAVE to talk on.

 

I'm curious, does your social awkwardness extend to situations outside of dating? Do have friends or co-workers who you go out and socialize with?

 

If you are uncomfortable with normal date/"get to know you" conversation, then flip the conversation onto them. Spend the date asking them questions to try to get yourself into more of a comfort zone. Men love to talk about themselves.

 

That said, I feel like you are making this all more difficult than it is. Dating is just about meeting and getting to know people. It shouldn't be a chore (although I'll admit it can sometimes feel like one.) And yes, if things seem to be going reasonably decent, people will assume you want to extend the date. That doesn't mean you have to, though. If you aren't feeling it, just decline and end the date. If you prefer a shorter first date, then stick to that model.

 

For example, this one date I went on I assumed the guy wouldn't like me when we met(which is a reasonable assumption) so I didn't order any food or drink to cost him money. He was the only one who ate and drank at the restaurant.

 

I remember this. Surely you see that you sabotaged yourself? It's totally reasonable that a guy who invites you out to eat might think it a little strange for you not to order anything and might not want to see you again. Why do that to yourself? If it's about the money, then just plan to pay for yourself. Keep that in your head, that you will pay for yourself, and then offer to pay. If he won't let you, then drop it and let him pay.

 

And then I was walking with the guy this thread is about to a restaurant we were almost at the doors and I saw it was a nice restaurant and I would have to order like a full meal so I said "omg my friend just texted, she's broken up with her boyfriend and she needs my support" and sort of ran off. There are a ton of stories like this

 

Honestly, the fact that this guy even agreed to see you again should show you that he was at least somewhat interested. If you have such social anxiety around meals and guys spending money on you, then your solution is to avoid those kinds of dates or just pay for yourself.

[Cookiesandough]

You have such a strange dichotomy going on.

 

On the one hand, you say the guys you meet online lack social skills and struggle to make conversation, yet on the other hand you say you are socially awkward and freak out at efforts to make conversation.

 

On the one hand, you seem to have low self esteem (assuming guys won't like you), but on the other hand you kind of act like you are too good for the guys you meet online.

Thank you so much for your insight. Maybe I am wrong, but the reason I don't see it contradictory is because admittedly what I want may be more than what I am capable of landing. I don't believe I am too good. Sadly, we're about equal, they are not my type. Also that I am awkward does not negate that they are awkward as well to varying degrees. In fact, this often compounds the awkwardness. When I'm on a date with a man who enjoys talking freely about himself, even if it is awkward subject,s it's more comfortable, but a lot of guys I go on dates with barely talk and rapid-fire rehearsed questions.

 

I'm curious, does your social awkwardness extend to situations outside of dating? Do have friends or co-workers who you go out and socialize with?

 

Good question. Not that I know of. I make gfs pretty easily because I have lots in common with them. It's just these forced romantic situations like with OLD & yes it extends to text. I don't like being thrust into the sitch where I'm worrying if i'll be attracted to them and knowing they are worrying the same , where they're sizing me up as a sex/ life partner minutes upon meeting me, where it's possible and reasonable to be asked to divulge your life story, romantic history, "what you're looking for"(gosh, this question)within first hour of meeting...

 

If you are uncomfortable with normal date/"get to know you" conversation, then flip the conversation onto them. Spend the date asking them questions to try to get yourself into more of a comfort zone. Men love to talk about themselves.

 

Not too many, IME. And unfortunately when they do get on a roll, they always stop themselves with "oh sorry, I'm rambling" and divert attention back to you, you know?

That said, I feel like you are making this all more difficult than it is.

 

definitely

 

Dating is just about meeting and getting to know people. It shouldn't be a chore (although I'll admit it can sometimes feel like one.) And yes, if things seem to be going reasonably decent, people will assume you want to extend the date. That doesn't mean you have to, though. If you aren't feeling it, just decline and end the date. If you prefer a shorter first date, then stick to that model.

I like the idea that Enigma32 brought up (THANKS ) about doing more exciting activities together where the main focus isn't all about having to get to know every little thing about each other in as short as time as possible

 

 

I remember this. Surely you see that you sabotaged yourself? It's totally reasonable that a guy who invites you out to eat might think it a little strange for you not to order anything and might not want to see you again. Why do that to yourself? If it's about the money, then just plan to pay for yourself. Keep that in your head, that you will pay for yourself, and then offer to pay. If he won't let you, then drop it and let him pay.

Yes, since that thread,, I've been much better with the paying issue on dates. It only bothers me a little now.

 

& yeah I unintentionally sabotaged myself but ultimately it turned out for the best. That guy ended up being really weird as usual. A month later we matched on another app. I wasn't expecting that. He messaged me I didn't respond until he said please talk to him he's had a really" rough time lately and needs emotional support. " So I asked him for his #, unblocked him, asked if he was alright. He said not really and asked if I wanted to go out again and made out like he wanted to talk about it then. He tried to bait me. This reinforced my belief I am not too indiscriminate with my blocking.

Honestly, the fact that this guy even agreed to see you again should show you that he was at least somewhat interested. If you have such social anxiety around meals and guys spending money on you, then your solution is to avoid those kinds of dates or just pay for yourself.

It's mostly just the anxiety of the dates themselves now, not so much them insisting on paying anymore. It's being stuck in a situation with this stranger that I don't even know is attracted to me or likes me for hours and hours.

 

That's what was so appealing about seeing this guy again. I was a little attracted to him and I know he's at least a little into me already so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

 

 

Anyway, thank you much again for your assessment

[Cookiesandough]

Before I read any responses ... For who?

 

Either of us???

[littleblackheart]

Less of the over-analysing and putting yourself through the wringer by self-criticising, less of the worrying about what might be, more lightheartedned excitement, more of the enjoying the moments no matter whether you and your date like each other and you'll be just fine.

 

One date is just about getting to know a guy, no more. Make your learning curve a fun one!

[bluefeather]

You sound like you're actually learning something now instead of just pretending to listen. That's interesting if it's true. But I wonder how long you can hold onto that self-realization.

 

You have mentioned the comparison of attractive appearance to others very often on this board. It is normal to have a type and like what you see, but the way you describe it - "he's more attractive than I am" or vice-versa, or, "we are about equal" - I think you keep these in mind to an unhealthy level. It seems like your self-esteem is kind of warped and I'm imagining a good-hearted person who was raised on bad values.

 

I think you can find a good relationship if you can drop this runaway stuff, and get over your obsession with image-comparison and learn to better see qualities beyond the flesh, which is going to wither away before you know it. But that will probably be quite a challenge if you are spending your time repeating the actions that always give you the same results - those actions being expressing hot and cold behaviors with randoms on dating sites.

[Purepony]

Well for the last guy, I was wondering if it was partly my fault, and maybe it was, I did act very odd (agree to hang out with Him and his buddies after his show then left and ignored texts) AND I wondered if he would come back around again, but then it hit me, if he loses interest that fast, I don't want him to. It couldn't work with us anyway(Could have nothing to do with that, but the same applies)

 

Then this guy I was thinking about going on a date, but worried he would judge me about my ghosting and how I should approach it if the topic came up. He may have forgot. Also I worried I'm not feeling enough sparks. It's mostly a comfort thing for me to go out with him because he's not a TOTAL stranger at least I know what he looks like/his general vibe. But since I'm not that interested I'd be wasting his time and mine, which other people have confirmed for me.

 

 

I got all my answers. I have 3 dates lined up this weekend thank you for your input and explaining what you meant , mk10

 

 

 

 

Maybe I can't do casual but you never know til you try

 

 

I'm sure many posters agree you shouldn't be dating for the time being... but you'll do as you please because it's your pattern.

 

Anyways nice hair by the way. I think you should surround yourself with friends and family at least until you get your emotions and feelings in order or back to your usual self but since you'll probably do as you will I would say take things as slow as you can and be caustious because a lot of these Guys are married, have gfs or just wanna pound!

 

Take some time, travel and enjoy being with yourself again I don't understand this need to push or out yourself out there!

 

 

Good lucky fairy

[Mkn1010]

I'm pretty sure none of those Avatar pictures she has used are her, they've been different people before!

[Cookiesandough]

lol seriously? I've only ever used my own pictures. And a pic of fawn. I just had diff hair color before. If I was gonna steal pics I'd use someone more attractive. That's flattering nonetheless

[Cookiesandough]

You sound like you're actually learning something now instead of just pretending to listen. That's interesting if it's true. But I wonder how long you can hold onto that self-realization.

 

You have mentioned the comparison of attractive appearance to others very often on this board. It is normal to have a type and like what you see, but the way you describe it - "he's more attractive than I am" or vice-versa, or, "we are about equal" - I think you keep these in mind to an unhealthy level. It seems like your self-esteem is kind of warped and I'm imagining a good-hearted person who was raised on bad values.

 

I think you can find a good relationship if you can drop this runaway stuff, and get over your obsession with image-comparison and learn to better see qualities beyond the flesh, which is going to wither away before you know it. But that will probably be quite a challenge if you are spending your time repeating the actions that always give you the same results - those actions being expressing hot and cold behaviors with randoms on dating sites.

 

Wheb I said we are equal I didn't mean just physically, blue. I mean we're equal in our awkwardness lol/ and our other 'qualities'

 

Also just because I have a physical type doesn't mean I am going for the objectively most desirable guys. No not it at all. I mean we all have types we prefer. Some like big, some like skinny, etc

 

But I will heed your advice tysm again blue. And check out Overwatch

[Cookiesandough]

I'm sure many posters agree you shouldn't be dating for the time being... but you'll do as you please because it's your pattern.

 

Anyways nice hair by the way. I think you should surround yourself with friends and family at least until you get your emotions and feelings in order or back to your usual self but since you'll probably do as you will I would say take things as slow as you can and be caustious because a lot of these Guys are married, have gfs or just wanna pound!

 

Take some time, travel and enjoy being with yourself again I don't understand this need to push or out yourself out there!

 

 

Good lucky fairy

 

 

Thank you!! ? Will do. I don't think I can cancel these dates this weekend but you are right, I need a break and work on myself/anxiety so I don't possibly drag people through it.

[Mkn1010]

lol seriously? I've only ever used my own pictures. And a pic of fawn. I just had diff hair color before. If I was gonna steal pics I'd use someone more attractive. That's flattering nonetheless

 

Ooops sorry then! I assumed they were all different people with all the different hair colors and that it was some celeb I hadn't heard of due the photography selfies/staged-type photos, but I guess that proves how much of a daggy oldie I am and just no up with the new age shiz

[normal person]

I may be in the minority, and I'm certainly not a therapist, but I think a way to get over all this anxiety would just be exposure to all the things that give it to you. If you date and do this stuff enough, the novelty of it will start to feel more routine. Right now I'm sure it feels like every date is a big production, but once you do it enough it'll be "just meeting some guy" and it won't have quite the same gravity it did early on.

 

I remember when I first started online dating, I felt a lot like you. I didn't know the nuances, there were nerves, etc. I can imagine it's bad, especially if you're younger (I'm assuming you're early 20s). Eventually, I did it enough that I got the hang of it, barring a few missteps (none of us are perfect, right?). Sometimes I still meet girls who are getting their feet wet with it and I can tell they're a little on edge and I try to be empathetic. I think you'll find most people are going to cut you some slack and give you the benefit of the doubt. So I think what you're experiencing is normal and you'll probably feel accomplished when you feel good enough to step out of your comfort zone a bit and talk about yourself a bit more, etc. It'll all fall into place once you do it enough to realize that you were making a big deal out of nothing. Hopefully, then you can look back and laugh. I know I can.

 

 

If your picture is even reasonably accurate, you are far more attractive than you think you are. The pink hair works for you too. Glad you decided to dye it.

 

I agree, you're super hot OP, I'm sure you have a lot more clout with these guys than you think you do. If you lived near me, I for sure would be chomping at the bit to go out with you, and I'm as picky as they come. I remember from another thread that you're funny too, so not to trivialize your anxiety, but you really don't have much to worry about -- your self consciousness seems pretty unwarranted.

 

If I were you, I'd test the waters a little bit, take some chances, and just step out of my comfort zone little by little. Call me reckless but I'm not sure how else people get used to doing things besides just, y'know... doing them.

[bluefeather]

Wheb I said we are equal I didn't mean just physically, blue. I mean we're equal in our awkwardness lol/ and our other 'qualities'

 

Also just because I have a physical type doesn't mean I am going for the objectively most desirable guys. No not it at all. I mean we all have types we prefer. Some like big, some like skinny, etc

 

But I will heed your advice tysm again blue. And check out Overwatch

 

Kay. np. And I really would like to check it out, but I already have other games on my play-list . Seriously, though, that seems like the one that could make me a "social" gamer again. Maybe in a few months, I can try. Thanks for the recommendation.

If you do go on a date... "glhf"

[Usename12]

The OP's issue was never that she didn't have enough guys hitting on her. It's happening in this very thread. It's being in the mindset of being able to date in a healthy way which the first reply pretty much nailed. Women who are all over the map and capricious tends to confuse guys no matter how pretty they are.

[thefooloftheyear]

lol seriously? I've only ever used my own pictures. And a pic of fawn. I just had diff hair color before. If I was gonna steal pics I'd use someone more attractive. That's flattering nonetheless

 

In no way am I trying to be critical, but just making an observation...Your photo kind of matches your personality-based on what the threads/post bear out.....When I look at the photo, I see a pretty woman, but I don't see a confident and self assured woman...You are giving the general appearance of being "spooked" or indecisive by the look in your eyes and your facial expression...Maybe it's just that particular photo, but it sometimes is interesting how an image can create an impression, or vice versa....a personality type can actually show up in a photo..I hope you don't take offense, as I am in no way trying to be offensive.....

 

TFY