MicroManaging Friend

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've agreed to help host a bridal shower with six other ladies for one of our friend's son's fiancee.

 

The friend, Paisley, who is hosting it at her house is pleasant but not easy for any of us to work with as she micromanages everything she does. We all attend the same church and Paisley has a reputation for being hard to work with because of being very controlling and micromanaging. So to her consternation she never gets to be in charge of anything at church which she hates since she loves to be in charge of things.

 

She volunteered early on to host this shower and because she has an enormous, beautiful home and spends money lavishly our other friend was eager for her to host the shower there.

 

Being creative, I was asked to, among other things, make a type of decoration which I agreed to do. However, after I agreed Paisley began detailing to me how to make the decoration. What she wanted me to do I began to realize is not nearly as nice as the way I want to do it, but she insisted on her way down to the little details. I know my way is far more tasteful (that's why I was chosen to do the job) and the things she wants are borderline tacky. Not only was being limited driving me nuts but also I didn't want everyone to see the decoration done the way she wanted it and to be told I created it!

 

Finally seeing no way around it, I told her I couldn't make the decoration because I'm having many creative ideas I want to incorporate and I know she will be disappointed that the decoration is not done exactly the way she wants it to be.

 

I told her in a very nice way in the group text we all use to communicate but she was pretty snarky with me in her response. Still, I was let off the hook and will be making food for the shower instead.

 

Anyway, now I'm feeling as if I let her down though, rationally, I know she was overbearing. The shower is in three weeks so she still has time to make the decoration herself. But, I can tell in the group text that she is upset about my decision not to create the decoration.

 

I'd like opinions on this situation.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Guess I didn't mess up too badly or someone would have "taken me to the woodshed" by now, lol! Just feeling that I let her down...but guess not...?

[knabe]

You didn't let her down. She stepped on your toes. You were as nice as possible, and I am certain the rest of the text group members know EXACTLY what is going on.

 

She's upset because she lost someone to control, basically.

[OatsAndHall]

A group text may not have been the best way to approach it as she may have felt like you were calling her to task. It may have been better to approach her and tell her that she should take over the decorating herself if she had something more specific in mind and then tap out.

 

You were asked to do the decorating so you should have the leeway to get the job done without having someone peering over your shoulder. It is a waste of your time and energy to have your work tossed to the side because someone has something else in mind.

[preraph]

I think since she's hosting, she gets to call the shots. Someone has to be in charge. All six of you can't be in charge. It's her home and her deal so try to cooperate with her. If something is too hard tell her I think this is too hard for me but try to just cooperate with her.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You didn't let her down. She stepped on your toes. You were as nice as possible, and I am certain the rest of the text group members know EXACTLY what is going on.

 

She's upset because she lost someone to control, basically.

 

Thanks, knabe! You don't know how helpful your response was for me and it makes my day easier. I believe you hit the nail on the head and also as far as the others in the text group, too. I really took a lot of time to fashion the texts in as humble a way as possible.

 

What I didn't write is that I've had a good career in a creative field (she's never worked in a creative field) and it was a concern of mine that folks would see what she wanted me to produce and judge my work by it. I never criticized her poor choices but just told her I wanted to do what she said but my brain was driving me in another direction and I didn't want her to be disappointed when the project turned out differently.

 

She replied,"I've never heard of a brain that wouldn't conform to the will. Are you able to follow a recipe?" Of course I didn't address that remark just told her I'd be glad to make food.

 

A group text may not have been the best way to approach it as she may have felt like you were calling her to task. It may have been better to approach her and tell her that she should take over the decorating herself if she had something more specific in mind and then tap out.

 

You were asked to do the decorating so you should have the leeway to get the job done without having someone peering over your shoulder. It is a waste of your time and energy to have your work tossed to the side because someone has something else in mind.

 

Thank you so much, OatsAndHall! I agree about it being better to address the matter privately with her rather than in the group text. My first text to her about it was to her alone and she pulled it into the group text and answered me there, rather than replying privately, not sure why. The snarky remark she made asking me if I could follow a recipe was done in the group text.

 

Yes, usually when we do these parties no one is peering over anyone's shoulders. I've worked with others in the group when they were in charge and was given artistic license so to speak!

 

Thank you for your response. It's so helpful for me!

 

I think since she's hosting, she gets to call the shots. Someone has to be in charge. All six of you can't be in charge. It's her home and her deal so try to cooperate with her. If something is too hard tell her I think this is too hard for me but try to just cooperate with her.

 

Thank you, preraph! I know this thread isn't very interesting given the subject matter so it really means a lot for each of you to take the time to read and reply.

 

I agree on the deal about someone needs to be in charge. The last party we all did together was twice to three times the size of this party. I was in charge of that one along with twelve other hosts and she helped. What I did, though, was to have six or so people be in charge of one part of the party each, e.g. food, decorations, music, photography, choosing and ordering a gift from the hostesses, etc. And then I didn't tell anyone how they should handle theirs, they each chose what they wanted. Then we had several meetings so everyone could share what their committee was doing and adjust accordingly! It worked out beautifully! I was happy with everything that was done and made no suggestions to anyone unless asked.

[OatsAndHall]

Oh boy... Yeah, I wouldn't take it well if she had dragged my private text in a group message setting and then reply with a snarky comment. This is truly on your friend's head at this point; for being a controlling and for being rude. That's just not mature behavior.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Oh boy... Yeah, I wouldn't take it well if she had dragged my private text in a group message setting and then reply with a snarky comment. This is truly on your friend's head at this point; for being a controlling and for being rude. That's just not mature behavior.

 

Thanks, O&H! So helpful. The bigger issue is why am I so concerned about it, huh?

[OatsAndHall]

Thanks, O&H! So helpful. The bigger issue is why am I so concerned about it, huh?

 

I wouldn't say it's an "issue", honestly. I actually commend you on being a little bit sensitive towards the situation as it shows that you are patient and empathetic towards your micromanaging friend. I probably would have snapped at her a long time ago and that wouldn't have solved anything.

 

But, for your own sanity, don't let her take up too much free rent in your head.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks, Oats! Good advice!

[preraph]

Thanks, knabe! You don't know how helpful your response was for me and it makes my day easier. I believe you hit the nail on the head and also as far as the others in the text group, too. I really took a lot of time to fashion the texts in as humble a way as possible.

 

What I didn't write is that I've had a good career in a creative field (she's never worked in a creative field) and it was a concern of mine that folks would see what she wanted me to produce and judge my work by it. I never criticized her poor choices but just told her I wanted to do what she said but my brain was driving me in another direction and I didn't want her to be disappointed when the project turned out differently.

 

She replied,"I've never heard of a brain that wouldn't conform to the will. Are you able to follow a recipe?" Of course I didn't address that remark just told her I'd be glad to make food.

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much, OatsAndHall! I agree about it being better to address the matter privately with her rather than in the group text. My first text to her about it was to her alone and she pulled it into the group text and answered me there, rather than replying privately, not sure why. The snarky remark she made asking me if I could follow a recipe was done in the group text.

 

Yes, usually when we do these parties no one is peering over anyone's shoulders. I've worked with others in the group when they were in charge and was given artistic license so to speak!

 

Thank you for your response. It's so helpful for me!

 

 

 

Thank you, preraph! I know this thread isn't very interesting given the subject matter so it really means a lot for each of you to take the time to read and reply.

 

I agree on the deal about someone needs to be in charge. The last party we all did together was twice to three times the size of this party. I was in charge of that one along with twelve other hosts and she helped. What I did, though, was to have six or so people be in charge of one part of the party each, e.g. food, decorations, music, photography, choosing and ordering a gift from the hostesses, etc. And then I didn't tell anyone how they should handle theirs, they each chose what they wanted. Then we had several meetings so everyone could share what their committee was doing and adjust accordingly! It worked out beautifully! I was happy with everything that was done and made no suggestions to anyone unless asked.

 

And that was fine when you were in charge of organizing it, but that's not how she chooses to do it. Some people don't want to rely on other people or care so much they want everything to be cohesive and up to their own standards. You just have to go along as much as you can. I mean, you can always say if there's something too hard or too time-consuming, but it will get back to the honoree.

[LivingWaterPlease]

And that was fine when you were in charge of organizing it, but that's not how she chooses to do it. Some people don't want to rely on other people or care so much they want everything to be cohesive and up to their own standards. You just have to go along as much as you can. I mean, you can always say if there's something too hard or too time-consuming, but it will get back to the honoree.

 

 

It wasn't too hard. Her idea was too tacky and I don't care to create it and have people know I did it. What I would have done would have been lovely and appropriate as she well knew.

 

As far as being up to her standards, no, it would be below my standards to do it her way and I don't want to embarrass myself. I wanted to make something much nicer for the honoree.

Edited July 31, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[preraph]

It wasn't too hard. Her idea was too tacky and I don't care to create it and have people know I did it. What I would have done would have been lovely and appropriate as she well knew.

 

As far as being up to her standards, no, it would be below my standards to do it her way and I don't want to embarrass myself. I wanted to make something much nicer for the honoree.

 

Sounds like you're jealous she's in charge, honestly. Why not just tell her you no longer want to take part.

[LivingWaterPlease]

preraph, thanks so much for taking the time to post but since knabe and OatsandHall nailed it succinctly in their posts right away I don't have a need or time to try to explain the situation further when there's no reason to!

 

Your suggestion that I'm jealous that she's in charge seems odd to me and seems to indicate you haven't read my previous posts in which I mentioned I was just in charge of a party three times larger than this one and gave everyone free reign to do as they please, making no suggestions. This isn't the behavior of someone who wants to be in charge.

 

Wishing you a great day!

Edited July 31, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[anna121]

she sounds like a piece of work. it's a shame you have to engage with her at all.

[LivingWaterPlease]

she sounds like a piece of work. it's a shame you have to engage with her at all.

 

Thanks, anna121! Seems you "get it!" She is a piece of work, for sure and yet she is dear to me when it's all said and done, it's just that she's out-of-touch with reality and has a history of not working well with others! My pastor's wife told me she'd sent people away in tears when they'd tried to work with her. Don't think she's mean, she just doesn't understand how to work with people.

 

Anyway, I'm going to address invitations to the party as a way to take the burden off others and the person in charge of the food asked me (without explaining in detail how to do it!lol!) today to bring fruit for chocolate fondue; however, instead of fruit platters I'll make arrangements from the fruit that look like floral arrangements (which I suggested and she was enthusiastic about), with mint stalks for the foliage and figure out other things to make the arrangement special! It'll be fun.

 

You're really kind to chime in and add to the comfort I needed as my reason for posting. Thank you so very much!

Edited July 31, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

Update on this thread. Just learned today that another one of the hostesses has also decided not to continue planning to construct a decoration she was assigned to do, due also to being micromanaged by Paisley.

 

A third hostess told me today she has decided not to have Paisley host a wedding shower for her daughter in a few months because of the same issue, micromanaging. In her words, "It's just too much!"

 

Thankful for everyone's feedback!

[ChatroomHero]

An easy way out would have been to draw up or mock up what you wanted to do, draw or mock up what she wanted you to do, tell her as you were working on it you had some creative ideas and let the group vote on it.

 

 

If they were table decorations or something I would think you could do a simple mock up of both and take a picture. When you sent the picture or mock ups, you just say something like...I was working on decorations and had some ideas but Paisley had a great suggestion too, here are the two ways I could go, what does everyone think?

 

 

I hate micromanagers and disputing them directly won't get you anywhere. The best way I have found to deal with them, though not foolproof, is to compliment their idea and throw it up for opinions. In this situation it sounds like the group probably would have said your idea sounded classier.

[healing light]

Oh, hell. You must be a saint because I would just get away from this woman.

[Popsicle]

Have you ever seen the movie "Bridesmaids"? It's really funny.

[knabe]

An easy way out would have been to draw up or mock up what you wanted to do, draw or mock up what she wanted you to do, tell her as you were working on it you had some creative ideas and let the group vote on it.

 

 

If they were table decorations or something I would think you could do a simple mock up of both and take a picture. When you sent the picture or mock ups, you just say something like...I was working on decorations and had some ideas but Paisley had a great suggestion too, here are the two ways I could go, what does everyone think?

 

 

I hate micromanagers and disputing them directly won't get you anywhere. The best way I have found to deal with them, though not foolproof, is to compliment their idea and throw it up for opinions. In this situation it sounds like the group probably would have said your idea sounded classier.

 

You have obviously never constructed decorations. There is no "mock up;" you might as well just make the whole thing. And why go to all of this extra trouble? LW was tasked originally with making the decoration because they KNOW her taste and expertise. A good leader trusts the people tasked with something to be good at the task.

 

I used to sing at weddings and receptions, and believe me when I say I have seen some embarrassingly tacky things. I know the kind of lady to whom LW is referring - they are especially prevalent in Baptist Churches lolol

[LivingWaterPlease]

You have obviously never constructed decorations. There is no "mock up;" you might as well just make the whole thing. And why go to all of this extra trouble? LW was tasked originally with making the decoration because they KNOW her taste and expertise. A good leader trusts the people tasked with something to be good at the task.

 

I used to sing at weddings and receptions, and believe me when I say I have seen some embarrassingly tacky things. I know the kind of lady to whom LW is referring - they are especially prevalent in Baptist Churches lolol

 

Oh, knabe, you KNOW what I'm talkin' 'bout! I've thought often during this ordeal of what professional singers have to go through when they work with churches and how people sometimes ask them to sing without taking into consideration what all is entailed in doing it in a way you can be proud of, (or at least not embarrassed by!) e.g.sound, lighting, practicing, etc.

 

You are so right! There is no mock up involved in decorations for a shower! And the hostesses would laugh out loud if they thought they had to vote on whose idea should be used!

[LivingWaterPlease]

An easy way out would have been to draw up or mock up what you wanted to do, draw or mock up what she wanted you to do, tell her as you were working on it you had some creative ideas and let the group vote on it.

 

 

If they were table decorations or something I would think you could do a simple mock up of both and take a picture. When you sent the picture or mock ups, you just say something like...I was working on decorations and had some ideas but Paisley had a great suggestion too, here are the two ways I could go, what does everyone think?

 

 

I hate micromanagers and disputing them directly won't get you anywhere. The best way I have found to deal with them, though not foolproof, is to compliment their idea and throw it up for opinions. In this situation it sounds like the group probably would have said your idea sounded classier.

 

Thanks, Chatroom! As knabe mentioned, there are no mock ups in shower decorations. We're all super busy with our own lives (I work full time and the others are very busy, too) and the whole idea is to do something lovely for the honoree in the nicest way, taking the least amount of time it takes to do so.

 

All the hostesses are very capable people. No one needs Paisley's help in following through on her (each hostesses) duty.

 

Paisley is a person who is out of touch with reality in most ways. There is no limit to how inconsiderate she is financially and as to the time others have invested, and every other way for that matter.

 

We all just want to get it over with and the planning is about done. I will never get involved with her on a project she's in charge of again.

 

I was supposed to be a hostess on an upcoming shower at her place but the mother of the honoree has decided to throw the party herself as she, along with the rest of us, is pretty much all burned out on working with Paisley.

 

There was more drama with her today but I didn't let her guilt me into becoming involved in solving it so am feeling great about that!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Oh, hell. You must be a saint because I would just get away from this woman.

 

I like the way you think, healing! That's pretty much what I've done for a long time but the honoree's family in this instance are my close friends so felt I had to get involved. Will NEVER again!