Physical Abuse - Woman Attacking Man - am I dreaming?

[Roommate]

So for many years my marriage turned into "room mates with kids".

 

I eventually sought love outside of the marriage and fell madly in love with a new lady.

 

We now live together and have been for several months.

 

It was such a hard decision to leave my wife and children but I was so madly in love with my new girlfriend. We are so passionate.

 

Last week, we passed the week-end together with my wife and children (We have not yet filed for divorce).

 

She said there is still hope for us. I miss living with my children so much.

 

I still find my wife attractive and we have a happy family together so it seems but for the lack of "couple" and intimacy that was in our couple.

 

There is a window that still seems open to go back to her. I know it will be hard and I would have to end it with my new girlfriend. Also, I am still in love with the new girlfriend or maybe that is just infatuation and will end in a few months and I will regret not being a full time Dad with my children.

 

And yes, financially it will be easier with my wife as my girlfriend is not working and relying on me 100% financially now.

 

What should I do? I know it is my OWNERSHIP and DECISION but any thoughts and advice would be appreciated.

[road]

Having a marriage that goes bad can be fixed.

 

Having an affair never will fix that marriage.

 

Have you heard if they will cheat with you they will

eventually cheat on you?

 

Have you enough to now know the right thing to do?

[somanymistakes]

Getting it out of the way - you sound like a big cake-eating jerk, enjoying the benefits of two women while planning to ruin the life of at least one of them (It had to be said, and I'm sure others will say it too.)

 

"La la la it'll be financially easier on me to go back to my wife!" - so after this other woman compromised herself for you, bent her principles, and believed that she had found true love with you, a love so strong you would leave your wife and family... after she gave you everything and you've enjoyed the benefits of her love and attention and sex drive for months on end, you're going to just abandon her with nothing and walk away to go back to an 'easier' life?

 

Sure, legally, you can do that. But it will brand you for life as a user.

 

Legally your only responsibility is to your wife and kids. Ethically, you are responsible for all the consequences in this situation you have caused: wife, kids, AND mistress.

 

If you abandon your new love high and dry and move back in with your wife, how long before the lack of passion in that relationship leads you to stray again? Will you have actually SOLVED anything? Or will you just be waiting to find some new passion and wander off again for a brief vacation from your marriage before wandering home again, leaving even more broken hearts behind you?

 

If you go back to your wife you need to be VERY sure that this is what you want for the rest of your life, and that you are willing not just to leave this current girlfriend behind, but to grovel to your wife for forgiveness and allow her every bit of control over your life that she wants to prevent you from meeting and falling for anyone else ever again... or at least until your kids are grown up. You also owe it to your current girlfriend to find a way to ease the shock and NOT just walk out the door one day leaving her with all the bills and heartache and no contact. And I hope to God you've been using protection.

 

If you go through with the divorce you need to get your act together and set up a home where your kids can be with you 50% of the time. You'll probably also have to pay some child support. Yes, it will cost you more to look after everyone this way. Responsibility isn't cheap. You may need to make arrangements so that your kids can visit you without your girlfriend being around, many ex-wives do NOT want the kids exposed to the new girlfriend until that relationship is definitely stable and long-term.

 

Lastly, consider that if you spend enough years with your new girlfriend the passion may fade out of that relationship too. What will you do then?

 

What you choose isn't only about you. It WILL affect other people. You have to do what you have to do, but as an adult you have an obligation to take care of others as best you can.

[darkmoon]

your girlf gets you to pay for 100% of her life?

 

what did she say and/or do to get you on board? how did she manage before you came along?

 

I'd advise you to take stock, and to look closely at the events that got her where she is, where you serve up the icing on her cake

Edited July 26, 2017 by darkmoon

[elaine567]

Does your wife know about the fact you were cheating on her or that the new gf was your OW?

[JuneL]

Why is it only your choice? Your wife should have kicked her cheater husband out for good!

[central]

When things were rough with your marriage, you left. When things are rough with your gf, you're thinking of leaving her, too. If you go back to your wife, things will take work and commitment to fix - I wonder if you have the ability to do that, or will again look for an easy way out.

 

 

Also, if you go back to your wife, do you really think the two of you can fix the problems, even if you both try? If the problems were due to benign neglect, you probably can, but if they are fundamental differences, then you probably can't.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know what YOU should do, but I do know your wife should not take you back. Not because I don't believe in forgiveness or reconciliation, but because the same thing will happen again, it will hurt even worse the second time, and the kids will suffer. I speak from experience.

[preraph]

This is why you shouldn't overlap relationships. First you decide whether your marriage is bad enough to divorce separate and apart from other you have a girlfriend

But it's too late for that. You've already created mistrust and hurt and tore your family up. Your wife would be nuts to take you back and she will never trust you again. The truth is you're not ready for commitment but you've already got it with a wife and kids. Honestly I think your wife would have a better chance at happiness without you. I can't tell you what to do. But I just seen more trouble if you go back. If she has a brain in her head she will want full transparency and I just don't think you're up to that.

[Roommate]

I don't know what YOU should do, but I do know your wife should not take you back. Not because I don't believe in forgiveness or reconciliation, but because the same thing will happen again, it will hurt even worse the second time, and the kids will suffer. I speak from experience.

 

If I may humblyask can you please elaborate on your experience here?

 

I am all ears to listen.

[S2B]

No, don't stay married. Set your wife free to find a man who loves her with passion.

 

You seem to have that with your GF - so anything with your wife will seem subpar.

 

Why haven't you taken action to set your wife free? To make things right with your GF wouldn't you at LEAST want to offer yourself as a man who is available instead of married?

 

Be fair - think of how these gals must feel.

[d0nnivain]

This whole thing sounds like you make rash decisions & think with your little head instead of your brain, which has now made everything worse.

 

 

If for reasons I can't fathom your Wife is open to taking you back, make a list of pros & cons for each relationship; then weigh every item on the list to see which partner is better for you. I suggest to you that offering stability to your kids & having a stable home life should be more valuable then the number of kinky orgasms your unemployed GF gives you but you may see it differently.

[Roommate]

I am in a new relationship for about 3 months now.

 

My girlfriend has a jealous side to her. At first I thought it was cute but then she starts to get this crazy look in her eye and accuse me of cheating on her and so on.

 

She has so far literally SPIT in my face and thrown things and warned that she can be very violent if I "f--k with her mind" and said it was possible for her to "kill me" and "to ask her mother".

 

She also has told me stories where she threw her old boyfriend across the room in a rage when she was mad at him and he crashed into the wall and she thought he might have been dead.

 

Last night for the first time she hit me in the face - it was not a big punch but she hit me with a paper folder and then when I tried to leave she took the keys from me and locked the door so I was trapped.

 

I told her to keep her distance and did not put my back on her and got some things and left.

 

This happened last night.

 

Now the next day - she is begging for me to foregive her and that we need to be a happy couple in love. I told her it was over and she needed to leave and go back with her family and I even offered her some money to help her out as she is unemployed.

 

So any insights / help / advice.

[SevenCity]

You did the right thing. Although society will not give you the sympathy if you were a woman, abuse is abuse and she is an abuser.

 

In the US, the laws have caught up. Any indication of domestic violence is automatic removal of the offending person and a night in jail - no questions asked.

 

Get this nut out of your life. Keep your money and be thankful you were smart enough to give her the boot. I'm not sure how EU is, but you may want to look into a restraining order.

 

This is one crazy B!

[GorillaTheater]

You'd have to be out of your ****ing mind to go back to that. She spit in your face? How in the hell can you possibly have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with anyone who would do that to you?

 

 

And then there's the potential for violence. Don't listen to anyone who says "well, just hit her back." Dumbasses like that are out there, and they don't have a clue how the system works. Imagine getting beat up AND going to jail for defending yourself. It's a very real possibility.

 

 

Run like your ass is on fire.

[SevenCity]

You'd have to be out of your ****ing mind to go back to that. She spit in your face? How in the hell can you possibly have a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with anyone who would do that to you?

 

 

And then there's the potential for violence. Don't listen to anyone who says "well, just hit her back." Dumbasses like that are out there, and they don't have a clue how the system works. Imagine getting beat up AND going to jail for defending yourself. It's a very real possibility.

 

 

Run like your ass is on fire.

 

I don't know how it is in EU, but in the US as a man you would be in for a world of hurt. Everyone (jury, judges, society) will take the woman's side and you'd be screwed.

 

You would also have a "Domestic Violence" charge against you which could impact a host of things you take for granted.

 

Yes, RUN!

[littleblackheart]

The first thing to attend to is your personal safety.

 

Do you have friends or relatives you can spend the night with tonight? You don't need to fully explain the reasons if you don't want to. Just know this isn't a normal situation, and you are the victim of physical and mental abuse (re the emotional blackmail).

 

The second thing is to think about reporting it to the police, so it is on record if anything else.

 

Sorry you're in this situation, OP.

[Zahara]

I told her it was over and she needed to leave and go back with her family and I even offered her some money to help her out as she is unemployed.

 

So any insights / help / advice.

 

You need to walk away completely. It is not your responsibility to aid her with her unemployment. She has a family -- allow them to support her.

 

Cut the cord. Don't be an enabler. Do not entangle yourself with an abuser.

 

You need block her and focus forward.

[knabe]

Walk and block her every way possible. File a police report and be on your guard. If she contacts you threateningly again AT ALL, file a restraining order and document everything. Screenshot any text or email. Keep everything.

 

This person is an abuser and a predator.

[elaine567]

OK so this is your OW turned gf.

Lack of trust is par for the course in such relationships - you cheated on your wife with her, so you will likely cheat on her too - is the logic.

 

BUT she obviously has some serious issues, ones that you really cannot ignore so you did the right thing by telling her to leave.

She crossed the line with her last bf and now she has crossed it with you.

[Roommate]

THANK-YOU ALL for the heart felt and very helpful and encouraging comments.

 

I am so heart broken now - she left after about 50 emails back and forth of her begging me not to do this and she was sorry and she just wanted to be a "happy couple in love".

 

This is recurring behavior - she gets in these wild jealous moods - with this crazy look in her eye say the most horrible things imaginable, throw things, spit, and last night she hit me in the face for the first time. I saw this as gradually escalating.

 

For the few months we were really together this jealous rage behavior would come on like an asthma attack on her and she would turn into this frothing hysterical monster about once a week on average.

 

Did I cheat on her? NO And she was only jealous of my ex-wife because we would see each other for our kids sake from time to time. That is for the record.

 

She would go from loving passionate most of the time and then hocus pocus - this monster would appear almost out of nowhere and then the tantrums and all that would commence.

 

The past week I spent 2 nights sleeping in my car. It is OVER now.

[Robert]

Note: two threads merged for context

 

~6

[Downtown]

Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

Last night for the first time she hit me in the face.... and said it was possible for her to "kill me" and "to ask her mother". She also has told me stories where she threw her old boyfriend across the room in a rage when she was mad at him and he crashed into the wall and she thought he might have been dead.

One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

She gets in these wild jealous moods... she starts to get this crazy look in her eye and accuse me of cheating on her and so on.

If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

 

Now the next day - she is begging for me to forgive her.

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

 

So any insights?

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.

[truthtripper]

There are people who will take advantage of your desperation and your girlfriend is one of them. You were desperate for an "out", a diversion, an escape from your failing marriage and so became vulnerable to such manipulative people. In your current situation and mind state you will never attract a respectful partner.

 

Do things the proper way, talk it out with your wife, find a marriage counsellor. Running away from your problems won't solve them.

[spiderowl]

Note: two threads merged for context

 

~6

 

Ah now it makes more sense!