Physical Abuse - Woman Attacking Man - am I dreaming?

[Roommate]

Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

 

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.

 

THANK-YOU. I am so happy and grateful for your detailed post. I wish I could send you a bill or make a contribution. Thank-you thank-you thank-you !!!

[knabe]

Roommate, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it.

 

One of the nine defining traits for BPD is "Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger." If your exGF is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have full-blown BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

If she is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Accordingly, one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This fear most often will be manifested in her behavior as an irrational jealousy -- where she mistakenly sees an abandonment threat in harmless actions or comments.

 

BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). Similarly, they can flip just a quickly in devaluing a close friend. These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer also has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have a really close long-term friend (unless that friend lives a long distance away).

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exGF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Roommate.

 

Knowing the OP's entire story of cheating and impulsive behavior, he may need to scan this copy and paste diagnosis for HIMSELF as well.

[fieldoflavender]

It's so much easier just to blame everyone else for problems except for looking within yourself. Seen this many times on this forum.

[GorillaTheater]

It's so much easier just to blame everyone else for problems except for looking within yourself. Seen this many times on this forum.

 

 

The picture certainly looks a wee bit different with both of the OP's threads taken together.

 

 

I'm not sure my advice would change, but my opinion of the OP has.

[preraph]

Your title said there was abuse. But nowhere in the post did it say who was abusive. But don't go back to abuse and don't subject the kids to fighting or abuse.

[elaine567]

preraph

There are two threads merged.

See #13

It is the OW turned gf that has been abusive the OP.

[SammySammy]

Here's the bottom line: Staying with this woman could get one or both of you hurt. Locked up or dead.

 

She doesn't work. Totally dependent on you. Yet, has the nerve to be abusive? SPIT IN YOUR FACE?! I wish a mf would ....

 

This woman would never hear from me again. Not one word in any context.

 

This is why I always say don't tolerate mistreatment or abuse. I don't care what her excuse is or what diagnosis someone may have for her behavior.

 

Don't put up with it. At all. Leave at the earliest possible moment.

 

Better that way. For her sake and mine.

[RecentChange]

Wow, from the pan to the fire huh buddy?

 

I have heard some say the craziest ones are the most fun in the sack, guess you found that intimacy that was lacking in your marriage huh?

 

How did you end up paying for your mistress? Was she not working when she met you?

 

If you truely love your kids, it's time to start putting them, and not you sex/ love life as the top priority.

 

I am glad you broke it off with her. Last thing you need is a woman that gets foaming at the mouth violent around your children.

 

Now you need to take a hard look at how you have ruined your marriage and family.