G/F on Verge of Homelessness.B/F Won't

[Timuquana2017]

I'm so frustrated with my bestie. She has fallen on hard times....she lost her apartment due to job loss and traumatic health crisis. She has been staying with another mutual friend of ours but that friend has now gained a job promotion four states away so he is forced to move leaving her essentially homeless. No family for her to turn to she is stuck.

 

Her boyfriend of one month who owns his own house and has space refuses to let her stay with him. Not even temporarily. She recently landed a new job that starts in about two months as they are finishing up building the facility so it's not like she will be jobless for long.

 

Now all of us friends have been there for her collectively....paying her medical insurance, making sure her one other bill is handled. We're all kinda stretched thin with our tight budgets and family obligations. I wish I could have her stay with me but my job/housing situation is on shaky ground. But this boyfriend of hers claims to care about her but would rather see her stay in a shelter which in our city is far from safe than temporarily house her till she gets on her feet with this new job.

 

I had to pull details out of her tooth and nail to get why he won't help her. He said its because he isn't comfortable having someone live with him just yet and it's too early in their relationship. I think it's complete BS. She is good enough to be intimate with but not to help her out of a temporary bind.

 

I want her to see the problem in all this. I'm I wrong in thinking this guy is not worth her time. And what advice, if any, should I give my bestie in regards to her boyfriend?

Edited July 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SoleMate]

Well, usually my advice would be to not give unsolicited advice. However, if you want to go ahead anyway (and some would say the financial assistance you've been offering gives you the right), I'd say:

 

"Rather than messing around with a stranger you met a month ago, who clearly has no concern with your welfare, why don't you use that time to go pick up some shifts at Starbucks or similar that can help tide you over until the new job starts? Keep in mind that the future is uncertain and even that promised job could fall through. And make plans to immediately start building an emergency fund and credit that can help you avoid this problem in the future."

[SevenCity]

That's a tough one because if he lets her live there it will artificially advance their RL to the moving in stage way too early. Moreover, there is no definite date when she will move out and could end up staying for a long time.

 

A month is not enough time for that and it will likely ruin the RL and cause undue stress.

 

It would be nice if she literally has no where else to go, but it's not his responsibility to give her a place to live because they are basically strangers who are sleeping together. Sex doesn't mean he's responsible for her financial situation.

[Timuquana2017]

Well, usually my advice would be to not give unsolicited advice. However, if you want to go ahead anyway (and some would say the financial assistance you've been offering gives you the right), I'd say:

 

"Rather than messing around with a stranger you met a month ago, who clearly has no concern with your welfare, why don't you use that time to go pick up some shifts at Starbucks or similar that can help tide you over until the new job starts? Keep in mind that the future is uncertain and even that promised job could fall through. And make plans to immediately start building an emergency fund and credit that can help you avoid this problem in the future."

 

Side gig stuff she has been doing but it hasn't been enough to get her a place. And with her medical situation she is limited in what she can take on. It just angers me because I feel like this guy is just using her. I just wish she would see it and not give him the time of day. She was straight up honest when she met him what her situation was and he said that didn't bother him but then when the possibility of homelessness came about....well now he isn't wanting to help her as much as he said he did. It's like talking to a brick wall. I hope enough people post on this thread so I can show her some other prospectives because quite frankly I don't think this guy doesn't give a squat about her like he claims.

[RecentChange]

I would be VEEEERY hesitant to let someone I was dating for a month move in with me.

 

So many possibilities for crap to hit the fan, and very unlikely that there would be a happily ever after.

 

If she hadn't been dating this guy for a month, what would her back up plan be?

[d0nnivain]

If it was 1 week or even 10 days until her new place to live was ready for her to move in, I'd lean toward the new BF being a bit stingy but here, they have only known each other for 1 month. Even if he is sleeping with her he has no obligation to financially rescue her. He has to look out for himself. What if she has a medical relapse or gets fired from this new job before she gets back on her feet? Is he supposed to support her indefinitely?

 

If you are so concerned about where she lives, why can't she live with you?

[Timuquana2017]

That's a tough one because if he lets her live there it will artificially advance their RL to the moving in stage way too early. Moreover, there is no definite date when she will move out and could end up staying for a long time.

 

A month is not enough time for that and it will likely ruin the RL and cause undue stress.

 

It would be nice if she literally has no where else to go, but it's not his responsibility to give her a place to live because they are basically strangers who are sleeping together. Sex doesn't mean he's responsible for her financial situation.

 

You brought up a valid point but I do know that she isn't asking for a handout from him. She just needs a roof over her head till this job starts for her. Many of us wish we could offer it but we're all in dire straights.

[Timuquana2017]

That's a tough one because if he lets her live there it will artificially advance their RL to the moving in stage way too early. Moreover, there is no definite date when she will move out and could end up staying for a long time.

 

A month is not enough time for that and it will likely ruin the RL and cause undue stress.

 

It would be nice if she literally has no where else to go, but it's not his responsibility to give her a place to live because they are basically strangers who are sleeping together. Sex doesn't mean he's responsible for her financial situation.

 

If it was 1 week or even 10 days until her new place to live was ready for her to move in, I'd lean toward the new BF being a bit stingy but here, they have only known each other for 1 month. Even if he is sleeping with her he has no obligation to financially rescue her. He has to look out for himself. What if she has a medical relapse or gets fired from this new job before she gets back on her feet? Is he supposed to support her indefinitely?

 

If you are so concerned about where she lives, why can't she live with you?

My company was bought out and they are talking about axing some departments and mine is number one on the list. If I get pink slipped I will need to move in with my parents and I have an 9 year old son. Or else I would have no issue with her living with me if I wasn't dealing with that possibility.

[BettyDraper]

Your friend should take a break from dating until her life is more settled.

She needs to concentrate on securing employment and a residence before focusing on her romantic life. Why don't you encourage your friend to focus on herself right now? Sometimes having skewed priorities leads to bad situations in life.

[SevenCity]

You brought up a valid point but I do know that she isn't asking for a handout from him. She just needs a roof over her head till this job starts for her. Many of us wish we could offer it but we're all in dire straights.

 

There are few people who I would invite into my home to stay outside of close family members (who I would allow no questions asked).

 

Think of it from his point of view. He knows enough about her that he wanted to have sex, but he has no idea if she is a mooch, a thief, a slob or crazy.

 

Switch the rolls and look at it from his perspective. Say you were dating a guy who was in dire straits (which most women won't) and he wanted to move in with you until things got better after 4 weeks. How would you feel?

 

It's hard to be objective as it is your friend, but you have to look at it from the other side. Of all the girls I dated, one of which I married (and later divorced), I would not allow any of them to stay in my house in a month of knowing them.

 

Even the last girl I seriously dated for 7 years and was madly in love with I would not have been comfortable having her move in after a month.

[Timuquana2017]

I would be VEEEERY hesitant to let someone I was dating for a month move in with me.

 

So many possibilities for crap to hit the fan, and very unlikely that there would be a happily ever after.

 

If she hadn't been dating this guy for a month, what would her back up plan be?

 

She hasn't asked him if she could move in with him. But us friends are questioning his motives with her considering the nonsense he fed her upon initially meeting her. Back up plan.....we are all scrambling around trying to help her with one. Public services has been a joke.

[Timuquana2017]

Your friend should take a break from dating until her life is more settled.

She needs to concentrate on securing employment and a residence before focusing on her romantic life. Why don't you encourage your friend to focus on herself right now? Sometimes having skewed priorities leads to bad situations in life.

 

She was actually doing just that. She didn't want to get tied up into a relationship and she told him that day one. She just wanted to remain friends but his word game was real smooth and she fell for it.

[d0nnivain]

My company was bought out and they are talking about axing some departments and mine is number one on the list. If I get pink slipped I will need to move in with my parents and I have an 9 year old son. Or else I would have no issue with her living with me if I wasn't dealing with that possibility.

 

But all of that is contingent. Your friend's need is immediate & you yourself think it's short term enough that by the time the worst case scenario happens for you, she may be back on her feet in her own place.

 

You should be hunting for a new job at a more stable company.

 

Meanwhile if it's a choice between a shelter & your couch, don't you think in the next week or two while you still have your place, you could be buying her more time? Work out something with her, like she contributes $x for food & utilities plus does the housework including the laundry or something in exchange for a roof over her head.

 

If you can't help her, you can't. But if you are not willing to step up to the plate & take in your dear friend you don't have a lot of room to criticize a guy she's only known for 30 days.

[SevenCity]

But all of that is contingent. Your friend's need is immediate & you yourself think it's short term enough that by the time the worst case scenario happens for you, she may be back on her feet in her own place.

 

You should be hunting for a new job at a more stable company.

 

Meanwhile if it's a choice between a shelter & your couch, don't you think in the next week or two while you still have your place, you could be buying her more time? Work out something with her, like she contributes $x for food & utilities plus does the housework including the laundry or something in exchange for a roof over her head.

 

If you can't help her, you can't. But if you are not willing to step up to the plate & take in your dear friend you don't have a lot of room to criticize a guy she's only known for 30 days.

 

 

That's harsh but very true. Also, if you are laid off there may be severance coming to you. This may also be a good opportunity for her to help you out as well.

[knabe]

A boyfriend of one month who isn't asking a girl to move in with him isn't stingy. He's rational.

[PegNosePete]

She didn't want to get tied up into a relationship and she told him that day one.

And yet one month later, you think he should be inviting her to share his home? After she told him she doesn't want anything serious?

 

His actions are entirely sensible and rational.

[xenawarriorprincess]

Dating is just dating. He has no obligation to take care of her. They are extremely new into the relationship and 30 days is nothing, probably not enough time to honestly gage whether or not they truly like each other. I think it’s completely unreasonable for you to expect her boyfriend of 30 days to jump in and take responsibility for her.

 

If all of her friends are helping her that’s wonderful and she is very lucky to have you all there to support her, but again, expecting him to take this on after going on a few dates is unreasonable.

 

How old are they?

[xenawarriorprincess]

Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post

But all of that is contingent. Your friend's need is immediate & you yourself think it's short term enough that by the time the worst case scenario happens for you, she may be back on her feet in her own place.

 

You should be hunting for a new job at a more stable company.

 

Meanwhile if it's a choice between a shelter & your couch, don't you think in the next week or two while you still have your place, you could be buying her more time? Work out something with her, like she contributes $x for food & utilities plus does the housework including the laundry or something in exchange for a roof over her head.

 

If you can't help her, you can't. But if you are not willing to step up to the plate & take in your dear friend you don't have a lot of room to criticize a guy she's only known for 30 days.

 

 

Excellent Response.

Edited July 28, 2017 by xenawarriorprincess

[Timuquana2017]

But all of that is contingent. Your friend's need is immediate & you yourself think it's short term enough that by the time the worst case scenario happens for you, she may be back on her feet in her own place.

 

You should be hunting for a new job at a more stable company.

 

Meanwhile if it's a choice between a shelter & your couch, don't you think in the next week or two while you still have your place, you could be buying her more time? Work out something with her, like she contributes $x for food & utilities plus does the housework including the laundry or something in exchange for a roof over her head.

 

If you can't help her, you can't. But if you are not willing to step up to the plate & take in your dear friend you don't have a lot of room to criticize a guy she's only known for 30 days.

 

Oh best believe I'm looking for a new job. But this thread isn't about me and my job situation. I'm not going to put her health diagnoise on blast but being in my home with what she is dealing with is not ideal at all or else I would gladly open my home to her. If that wasn't an issue she would've been staying with me instead. Five of us friends collectively pay her monthly insurance premium which is $479 a month, transportation for Uber/Lyft to get to job interviews, and grocery bill. And in return she has done our tax returns, tutored our kids and given us legal advice...without us even asking for all that. I'm being merely critical of the guy because I want her to see who really cares about her wellbeing. And it's not him.

[Timuquana2017]

Dating is just dating. He has no obligation to take care of her. They are extremely new into the relationship and 30 days is nothing, probably not enough time to honestly gage whether or not they truly like each other. I think it’s completely unreasonable for you to expect her boyfriend of 30 days to jump in and take responsibility for her.

 

If all of her friends are helping her that’s wonderful and she is very lucky to have you all there to support her, but again, expecting him to take this on after going on a few dates is unreasonable.

 

How old are they?

This is true but he went out on a limb and sold her the moon and stars and now that things have become even more complicated for her he is unwinding from all his lil promises. Nobody should make such promises to another person if they their intentions aren't 100%. They are both 45.

[d0nnivain]

You guys sound like great friends. She is lucky to have you.

 

But you really can't expect this new BF to be as emotionally or financially invested in her well being as you, her long term friends are. He & she don't have enough history. He may be very leery of her situation & he may only know the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

 

If this was a long term relationship more than 1 year, I'd be more inclined to agree with you.

[Els]

If she'd been with this guy for a year or more, I might see your point. But a month? That's still the casual dating phase IMO. This may sound rough, but I don't think he's obligated to help her out in that situation, not any more so than he'd be obligated to help out anyone whom he's only known for a month. Letting someone live with you is a BIG deal, acquaintances of barely a month are usually not considered for it.

 

I agree that he shouldn't be making empty promises at a month in, that would be the concern IMO (not the lack of help).

[xenawarriorprincess]

This is true but he went out on a limb and sold her the moon and stars and now that things have become even more complicated for her he is unwinding from all his lil promises. Nobody should make such promises to another person if they their intentions aren't 100%.

 

Here’s the truth…..All guys do that! Guys will say anything to get a shot with a woman! The desperation for sex and intimacy is so high that they will offer the stars in the sky despite not actually having the stars in their grasp! Women do the same thing. Women want commitment from men and so they will be on their best behavior acting like a perfect princess to get that commitment. Equally for both Men and Women it is rare that either continue the facade after they get what they want.

 

In any case, him acting like a prince in shining armor to get laid doesn’t make him a prince and it certainly doesn’t mean that he has to offer her his castle.

[Els]

Here’s the truth…..All guys do that! Guys will say anything to get a shot with a woman!

 

Uh, no. Perhaps "all" the guys that you have met do that, but that doesn't mean all guys actually do.

 

Women do the same thing. Women want commitment from men and so they will be on their best behavior acting like a perfect princess to get that commitment. Equally for both Men and Women it is rare that either continue the facade after they get what they want.

 

You have got to be kidding me...

[elaine567]

. I'm not going to put her health diagnoise on blast but being in my home with what she is dealing with is not ideal at all or else I would gladly open my home to her.

I am uncertain as to what this diagnosis could possibly be, but if YOU as her best friend cannot deal with her diagnosis in YOUR home, then how on earth is some 45yo guy that she only met a month ago going to deal with it?