GF admits to kissing another guy - UPDATE

[Better.Man]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

[Telemachus]

We each have our relationship dealbreakers, and no one should judge you about the validity of yours. It seems that you were clear on this with her in advance and therefore did not act arbitrarily. She must have had some dealbreakers also stipulated for you, and you don't mention getting a one-time pass from her for violating hers. That would be unfair - if you'd violated one of her terms but had not given her the same flexibility.

 

A single kiss would not have been a relationship dealbreaker for me, but you have your own standard. As for texting being any indication of love - I don't see it as one. Texting is cheap.

[harrybrown]

When she says kiss, what she really means is ******.

 

 

It is good that you ended it. otherwise you would have to go thru a ton of pain by being around her, your source of pain.

 

And also stds screening. and wondering who she was seeing now.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Hope for better next time. It is good that she fessed up.

 

Deal breakers are deal breakers. Good that you were not married or it would cost half of your assets.

[ExpatInItaly]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

 

I agree, and I see these as two separate issues.

 

I think she's not happy on a deeper level in the relationship, and she's been bottling it up. Did you know she felt that way about spending time with you vs her children? Was there any hint of a problem before?

 

Kissing another man is a sign she's just not as committed to you as she and you thought. I know that some would forgive a drunken kiss, but the fact that she cited other problems (ie. with whom she spends time) spells bigger trouble.

 

Given the above, no, I don't think you reacted too quickly. There were evidently other issues rolling through her mind.

[Space Ritual]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

 

 

Young man,

 

What you are getting is called "Trickle Truth". Usually these confessions are done to get out in front of something in order to control the narrative. Rarely, if ever, does someone give you the entire truth the first time in a situation like this.

 

She is doing damage control to make it seem like it was a one time thing.

 

 

Now she brings up being "torn" between you and her kids? That is not the issue.

 

Yes you did just fine in dumping her. This is a no win situation and I'd bet dollars to donuts that her party kiss was just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Make her insignificant, block her on all social media and telephone and move forward with your life. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable, plus you won't get any closure you seek, you'll just get more heartache.

 

She made it easy for you to dump her by showing you who she truly is, believe her.

[road]

Young man,

 

What you are getting is called "Trickle Truth". Usually these confessions are done to get out in front of something in order to control the narrative. Rarely, if ever, does someone give you the entire truth the first time in a situation like this.

 

She is doing damage control to make it seem like it was a one time thing.

 

 

 

This is usually the truth.

 

 

You were right to end it. I have read too many stories where she

was not dumped, but the BF married her only to wind up being

a BH years later. You dodged the bullet.

[Darren Steez]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

 

Which one is it? She was drunk, she flirted and got taken or she's torn spending time.

 

First off, if she's a mom to two kids there's nothing to be torn about, kids come first but the relationship can be scheduled during that time or around it. So what's going on there? Are you not allowed within the same vicinity of the kids or does the dad not want you around.

 

Secondly drinking has nothing to do with cheating. Dude hit on her, she allowed it to happen, to escalate, to the point that dude got the all clear to go in for the kiss *and whatever else"

 

She sounds confused and quite frankly immature but even worse if she knew this was a dealbreaker for you and still did it, means she's probably looking for an out.

 

I suggest you take her up on her offer..at least until she gets her stuff together.

[d0nnivain]

If you saw this kiss as the ultimate betrayal, then you have to follow your own code of ethics.

 

 

It's not the end of the relationship deal breaker to me, but I'm not you. I would have needed some time to process & I would have needed to see a lot of effort to reassure my trust but the dramatic break up, end all contact immediately after 2.5 years does seem over the top & more of a knee jerk emotional reaction to me.

 

 

That said, now that you have broken up trying to reconcile will be somewhat pointless because there are too many cracks in the foundation. Let your rash decision stand & get on with your life.

[smackie9]

I get it there will always be hesitation whether you made the right decision breaking up. It's really up to you. This can be a deal breaker for most, and there are others that are willing to forgive and work on rebuilding because of being invested in it already. I'm not going to pass judgement on your decision or her actions....just saying I have seen other couples get past infidelity to move onto a more stronger marriage/relationship. There is no right or wrong decision....it is what you think is best for you. I think you realize that this relationship wasn't as solid as you thought, and possibly saw some signs of it faltering but dismissed them. Hey it happens. I'm sure you both will do just fine going your separate ways. Best of luck in your healing process and may you find happiness in your future.

[Kitchen]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

 

You did the absolute right thing. Quick, easy, like a bandaid.

 

I was once in a similar situation. It wasn't 2.5 years, but only several months. I ended it the same day, but only after several hours of arguing followed by an hour long "goodbye" phone call.

 

I regret not cutting her off on the spot.

 

I'm proud of you, and you're an inspiration. Stay strong, move forward. Realize that she must be a total mess and use that as your energy to move on. You're in a much better spot than her as you're both sad but you don't have the guilt burden on top of it.

[Chi townD]

Maybe she only did kiss this guy. But, I've come to expect worse. See, cheaters will only tell you what you can prove. And when they are confessing, experience has shown me that they tell you the bare minimum, or down play it as much as possible to make it seem not as bad as what really happened.

 

What she may have told you was a kiss. But, what people at that party may have witnessed is a full make out session with a LOT of kissing, a lot of heavy petting. Hands wandering and groping. That's a lot different than "just a kiss".

[Better.Man]

Well I cut her off immediately once the kiss confession was proclaimed. I did not want any further visualization.

 

Concerning the kid situation. She admittedly has difficulty expressing her emotions. She was up front about this from the start. She did table the issue about a month ago, stating, via text, that I treat the relationship in "buckets". Her and I in one. Her and her kids in another(two younger than mine). And I and my kids in another bucket (my two are older). In hindsight she wanted more of a merger of all of us. I didn't realize to the extent. I can understand this given the 2.5 year span of our relationship. What I can't understand, nor accept, is the way she lashed out by being with another guy, no matter what occurred. Assuming this is the reason for being with another. I do understand her point of view as I did treat the kid situation as such. But again, nothing can justify her actions. It's as if she "rolled the dice" in an attempt to move the relationship forward one way or another. I don't think she fully expected to me to act as I did. I still stand firm on my decision.

 

I've not had any contact with her since, and cut off social media ties. She did text 2 days after, saying she was heart broken, has never been so sad, struggling from the guilt concerning giving her kids attention, sorrow of not having me in her life, I was the one true love of her life, and has faith that one day...

 

My next question is this. I'm still stinging from the betrayal. How long can I expect to feel this hurt? It has subsided a bit (been about 2 weeks), but flairs up painfully on occasion. I did lover her. We were SO wrong for each other on many levels. But I did love her.

[Better.Man]

She mentioned the "kid" issue about a month prior when i told her i would be spending SB with my children. Still no excuse for her action IMO.

[harrybrown]

hope you are still keeping up NC.

 

It will get better as time goes by and you are further away from the source of your pain, your ex.

 

Hope the kiss and whatever else she did was worth it to her.

 

 

You are better off, what if she did that after you were married?

 

then breaking up gets expensive.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Maybe she only did kiss this guy. But, I've come to expect worse. See, cheaters will only tell you what you can prove. And when they are confessing, experience has shown me that they tell you the bare minimum, or down play it as much as possible to make it seem not as bad as what really happened.

 

What she may have told you was a kiss. But, what people at that party may have witnessed is a full make out session with a LOT of kissing, a lot of heavy petting. Hands wandering and groping. That's a lot different than "just a kiss".

 

I agree with this as I've had this experience.

 

I once dumped a girl because she kissed another guy. It wasn't the kiss that sucked, it was more the "I'm going to make plans with you this weekend, then ditch you to go to this haunted house with the guy I supposedly kissed, then end up at his house all that weekend and have my friend cover for me and tell you we only kissed at a bar" type of thing.

 

As a friend, do what you want. As my girlfriend, that **** is not ok.

 

I suggest you really compare life with her vs without her and figure out what you want to do! You're the one with the feelings.

[Darren Steez]

I was the one true love of her life,

 

Yeah I call bs on that. My litmus test for relationships is a person should do and feel as I do. If you really were the so called love of her life, she wouldn't have barely looked at another man let alone kiss him.

 

All the flowery words in the world don't amount to jack. Only actions. She can talk but the talk but in the end she cheats the cheats *no that doesn't make sense but you kind of get where I'm going with that*

[DanSCL]

Good for you to stand by your rules.

 

If that was a deal breaker for you, you should respect your rules and not even bend them.

 

And it hurts because you haven’t accept the fact yet: the “how could she do that” stills resonates somewhere in the back of your mind”

 

It will hurt until it stops hurting.

 

Accept it and it’ll be gone. Then you can move on.

[sandylee1]

I think she thought about the situation with the kids and you wanting things seperate and thought your relationship, meant you didn't have much of a future.

 

However, I understand that you wanted things seperate. It does sound like you didn't have any interest in her kids though.

 

After 2.5 years, you seem like you were always going to keep things seperate as far as the families were concerned.

 

The sensible thing to do would have been for her to end the relationship, before kissing another guy. But she confessed, so that's at least something.

 

Considering how betrayed you feel, you definitely did the right thing for you.

[aliveagain]

I didn't see it coming. I get home from a business trip and my girlfriend of 2.5 years text saying wants to see me that night. We meet. She gets into my car and looks upset. At some point she starts crying. She tells me she went to a party while I was away. There was a lot of drinking. A guy hit on her. Their lips met and kissed. I cut her off right there saying I didn't want any details. I broke it off with her right then and there. I did believe we were mutually in love. We texted every day and quite often for 2.5 years. I stopped ALL contact with her from that point and unfollowed her on FB. She texted 2 days later, saying she knows I'm "in it all or nothing", which I told her prior. She also stated she is torn between spending time with her 2 children and spending time with me. Those two concerns are legitimate, but no excuse for her kissing another. My question - did I react too quick in ending it?

 

Why was she at a party while you were gone since she's so torn about the amount of time she is spending with her children? I guess she wasn't torn enough to miss a good party with lots of single men. It's always worse then they tell you, cheaters lie. The onus is on her to prove that she didn't cheat, not for you to prove she did.

[Titanll]

Kudos, sounds to me like you handled this correctly.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

[Better.Man]

I have such gratitude for all the comments received concerning my situation. It has been a month since I ended the relationship. Although in essence she actually ended it. I've kept up strict NC with her. Her daughter texted me over the weekend. I did kindly and briefly reply. For those going through something similar, I'll reiterate what virtually all say on this site, IT DOES GET BETTER WITH TIME. I admittedly still have my moments, thinking about all the great times, and my mind pondering just what transpired at that party. But I've stayed strong and will continue NC for a minimum of 60 days. At two months (and at the pace I'm going) I figure I'll be completely over it and could converse with her should the situation arise. I will NOT reach out to her though, ever. I've had to much progress for that. The interesting thing is, I unfollowed her and all her friends / family on FB. They (as she) have commented and/or "liked" continual FB post of mine. I can only conclude from this that she has not told many of what's happened. I do wish we could have ended things on a mutually "good" note, in hopes that perhaps one day we could reunite. I wish she would have tabled the kid situation, as several have commented to the fact. I can only conclude that her act of cheating was to push the relationship one way or the other, or to give her an out. A poor and immature way of handling it IMO. Given her behavior, I cannot see ever returning to how it was, which at one point was a beautiful thing.

 

Thanks so much for the encouragement and letting me rant. If not for you guys I'd not have done or known about NC, nor would have I progressed so far so quickly. I'll check in frequently.

 

Best

[Better.Man]

Well, as what many told me would happen, finally has. I cut off all contact with my ex once she voluntary admitted to kissing another guy. That was in late March. So basically it's been four month of NC. Of late she started texting and liking / commenting on my FB post. I let it linger a bit, then started responding politely and in brief. Our 3 yr anniversary would have been this week. I've not seen her since the breakup and never liked the suddenness of how the relationship ended. I've actively dated since the breakup, being very successful with online dating, and careful to not get into any LTR. I've actually unintentionally hurt a few girls who were getting too close.

 

Question. Why all the sudden does contact typically reemerge after the 3 to 4 month mark? Is she missing us, perhaps bored with whomever she is/was with (I have no idea what she has been doing since the breakup), or is she simply nuts...lol. I've contemplated suggesting coffee to simply chat. What would those experienced with this do?

[d0nnivain]

What do you want to chat about?

 

If you want to get back together with her, by all means have that coffee. But that means you have to fully forgive her for the cheating, TRUST her not to do it again & put it behind you for all time. If you can't or won't do that, there is no point in talking.

[dumbass2]

What do you want to chat about?

 

If you want to get back together with her, by all means have that coffee. But that means you have to fully forgive her for the cheating, TRUST her not to do it again & put it behind you for all time. If you can't or won't do that, there is no point in talking.

 

This right here and be honest with yourself about being able to forgive and trust her again. A lot of times it just doesn't happen. If your relationship was just everything you ever wanted and could see being with here long term, then that is a question you have to ask yourself.

[PegNosePete]

basically it's been four month of NC. Of late she started texting and liking / commenting on my FB post. I let it linger a bit, then started responding politely and in brief.

Do you know what "NC" even means? It doesn't seem like it.

 

Question. Why all the sudden does contact typically reemerge after the 3 to 4 month mark?

Better question. Why do you care?

 

What would those experienced with this do?

Learn what NC actually means, and how to do it. There is a sticky thread on this forum. Read it, and follow it.