Immediate family left for vacation on my birthday?

[dreamersreverie]

Hey there, so I just wanted an outside opinion(s) on the matter. Basically, what the title says my stepmother, my dad, and my two siblings all went on a cruise on my birthday. I mean they wished me a happy birthday and gave me a card, but it's still really inconsiderate and selfish. Part of me understands, that its with my stepmom's family but at the same time it's entirely selfish to do such a thing especially when it's a big deal whenever it's anyone else's birthday. But apparently not mine. Moving on, I blocked my immediate family from my Facebook specifically my stepmom and dad for this reason. They constantly post updates of how they're a family and go on trips, vacations or whatever together and constantly leave me and my other sister out (yet my other sister lives on her own so it doesn't affect her as much). Anyway, my stepmom found out and is all mad. She sent me a hostile text message since I lied and told her I didn't have one. Because why does it matter anyway? She's too freaking nosy anyhow. So a relative of mine, out of the blue liked a photo on my Facebook and that's when my stepmom sent me that hostile text message. Like how am I supposed to react to this? And aside from that, apparently my stepmom posted "Happy Birthday to her stepdaughter (me) on her facebook and said how proud she is and posted my places of employment on there and my positions." I WOULD NEVER DO something like that, that's an invasion of privacy and strangers don't need to know where I work. It's freaking horrifying. I'm a very private person. But the post also pisses me off because in her card all she wrote was "Thanks for helping to clean around the house and happy birthday ." It's such fake bull****.

 

Anyway, how do I handle the situation when she gets back? Because obviously she's gonna be mad...but I think it's just stupid matter entirely.

[basil67]

I'd lay money that their list of complaints about you is as lengthy as your list of complaints about them.

 

When reading all of this, I don't really know what direction you'd like to take this. On one hand, with you being sad about them not celebrating your birthday and inviting you on vacations, it sounds like you wish you were closer to them and would like to be more involved in events.

 

On the other hand, with you blocking them on FB, lying about not having FB, calling stepmom hostile and getting getting upset with her over so much of what she does, it sounds like you don't like them very much at all anyway. Thing is, if there's all this drama going on, it makes sense that holidaying together is not going to work out. And why would people who you are so critical of plan their holidays around your birthday?

 

Start by working out if you want to be close to them or not. If you want to be close, you may have to extend an olive branch. Tell them you'd like to start over and that you'd like to have a much closer relationship with them. If you want this, you'll have to stop getting crabby at your stepmom over things she says and does.

 

However, if you don't wish to be close then be grateful that they don't invite you on holidays or make you suffer their company on your birthday.

[dreamersreverie]

Thanks for your reply. At one point, I wasn't as upset since they tend to do this every time I visited them from out of state since I was little. I would plan to visit them during holidays and then they leave to vacation during my visit, even after it's pre-planned. Due to circumstances, I currently live with them. This is why it's an issue. I help to clean a couple-few hours every day (their dishes, their laundry, the floors, vacuum, dusting, plants, cook, get groceries, and the list goes on), babysit the kids whenever they need, and treat them to food and what not and contribute to bills. I feel like I do so much, and get treated with so little respect and consideration. They already know my relationship with my mother is strained because she's emotionally and physically abusive. But at times it's exhausting because no matter what I do, it's never good enough.

 

It's frustrating because I go out of my way to build a relationship & help and then they continuously do things like this; yet with other guests or relatives they will take them out around town, dinner, and etc... but with me they just ignore my presence or make me do all this housework when it's their mess? The relationship has gotten better as I gotten older but sometimes buttons are pushed and it's too much.

 

As for why would they plan their holiday around my birthday? Because I was forced to celebrate all of their birthdays and go out of my way for theirs. So wouldn't it be the considerate thing to do; to reciprocate? Especially when the day never changes. And it's always uncomfortable because my younger siblings ask me why I'm not going... and it's because I'm not invited.

 

I've spoken with my older sister about it and she feels the same way. Even though their family and same goes for my other side; they really don't feel like it sometimes. I've had my friends and their families make me feel more included and loved than anyone in my family ever has. Sometimes I don't know where I want to go with this relationship either since I hate feeling left out but I also want to be a part of a family.

 

Even though I don't like them, I still love them because they're my family. I'm just tired of being excluded and just found the hostile text overkill since I'm constantly excluded in big ways but am expected to make sure everyone else is happy and included in my life? It's a bit of a double-standard and how am I supposed to address the situation in a polite way?

[mikeylo]

You live with them then why did they not include you for the vacation? That's just ridiculous!!

[d0nnivain]

I'm sure they didn't plan this vacation solely to hurt your feelings. It probably was when they could get time off.

 

If you live with them for financial reasons, is there any chance that they didn't include you because you could not afford it? Cruises aren't cheap. A cabin is about $1,000 even with double occupancy, plus air fare to get there & then spending money. It could easily be $2,000. Did you expect them to pay for you after they give you room & board?

 

Perhaps speak to your father about this dynamic. I can understand that your stepmother would be upset to learn that the person she lets live in her house lied to her & then blocked her from social media. I can appreciate you being upset that she posted your employment on her page but it sounds like she is trying to establish a relationship with you & is proud of you but that you keep shutting her out. Ask her to take down your employment. If you'd handled things differently, you may not be in this pickle.

 

You don't have to answer us but if you think long & hard, can you come up with any reasons why this rift developed? Then think how you can heal it.

[bluefeather]

They already know my relationship with my mother is strained because she's emotionally and physically abusive.

 

Wait, what? If that's the case, no other behavior is surprising. Sounds like you're in a tough situation there if you have to live with people like that. Try to be civil and keep your sanity, and get out as soon as you can. Also, if she hits anyone, you should know that's when to call the authorities.

[d0nnivain]

Wait, what? If that's the case, no other behavior is surprising. Sounds like you're in a tough situation there if you have to live with people like that. Try to be civil and keep your sanity, and get out as soon as you can. Also, if she hits anyone, you should know that's when to call the authorities.

 

 

The bio mom is abusive, which is why the OP lives with dad & the step mom, who went on vacation without her.

[bluefeather]

The bio mom is abusive, which is why the OP lives with dad & the step mom, who went on vacation without her.

 

Oh, thanks for correcting me. Sorry, dreamersreverie. Well in that case, I think I would still suggest some civility and an exit-strategy, if you don't have one already. Because I do agree that it was very uncool of them to go on a trip on your bday, and the fb post was invasive, but there might be a chance that your step-mom is just really dense. Maybe you can try to put everything out there for discussion, but not in a mean way - something more like, "I'm sorry that I lied to you about facebook, but it's because when you did ___, it hurt my feelings. I really want to have a better relationship with you so can we try to work this out?"

[basil67]

Dreamersreverie, how old are you? I was assuming you were mid-20's. But perhaps you're a teenager. If you are still young, I would change my response completely.