She is seeing someone else

[clist8511]

@The411 : Thank you. This is really, really helpful. It's easy to read (especially now that my focus is all over the place) and it's achievable. It's just what I need, right now. Thank you so much.

 

Yes. I am drawn to these negative relationships, and I'm tired of it. These people (including this woman) are awful people. Terrible people. I just don't know what people get out of being so cruel, to be honest.

Edited July 30, 2017 by clist8511

[preraph]

Hey.

 

No, what would happen is she would break up with me as a punishment after an argument, then just return in a couple of days. She wasn't sleeping with anyone, I know that for a fact. That was back then, though. That isn't what's happening now.

 

I must also say that she wore me down as she was an emotionally abusive partner which is why I allowed that; I wasn't thinking straight and was not myself. I know it's not healthy and I am glad to be out of it. I don't want to live like that, no.

 

We're not trying to be friends. I don't want to be her friend and she doesn't want to be mine. We've only just broken up. She told me she's found someone else and they're already staying at each other's houses. So it has been going on longer than I feel I've been told.

 

I've changed my number. I have made a total clean break from her. I don't want anything to do with her. I really do want to move on so badly.

 

Well, she's still being abusive or at least uncaring rubbing her dates in your face. Cut it off with her and block her or whatever so she can't do that. Then tell all your friends you are broken up for good and I bet someone will come forward who might would want to get to know you better. I hope so, anyway. It does happen sometimes. And it's the ones who wait until it's over and didn't try to intrude who have good boundaries.

[clist8511]

Well, she's still being abusive or at least uncaring rubbing her dates in your face. Cut it off with her and block her or whatever so she can't do that. Then tell all your friends you are broken up for good and I bet someone will come forward who might would want to get to know you better. I hope so, anyway. It does happen sometimes. And it's the ones who wait until it's over and didn't try to intrude who have good boundaries.

 

That would be very cute, if that happened... but I'm staying on my own for a bit, I think

 

She's abusive until the very end, she doesn't know how to stop, sadly. I can't lie, I feel scared and lost right now. But there's nothing I can do.

[Jagged100]

That would be very cute, if that happened... but I'm staying on my own for a bit, I think

 

She's abusive until the very end, she doesn't know how to stop, sadly. I can't lie, I feel scared and lost right now. But there's nothing I can do.

Block her emails and don't respond in any way. She's trying to suck you back in with her self righteous anger.

[clist8511]

I didn't respond to any emails.

 

I feel so lost and frightened and hurt - how could someone who I was with for two years completely switch on me, turn against me, tell me they didn't care about our relationship and be so cruel? I genuinely did not do anything to deserve any of this. What is the point of breaking up with me in such a horrible way? I'm quite a gentle soft-spoken person who doesn't really insult anyone, and I didn't deserve any of this. Just because she's found someone else, how does that mean I should just be thrown away?

 

I can't stop crying because I don't know how I'm going to get through this and I feel so much pain I can't even breathe. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking as soon as I remembered the whole thing. I can't do this

[Jagged100]

I didn't respond to any emails.

 

I feel so lost and frightened and hurt - how could someone who I was with for two years completely switch on me, turn against me, tell me they didn't care about our relationship and be so cruel? I genuinely did not do anything to deserve any of this. What is the point of breaking up with me in such a horrible way? I'm quite a gentle soft-spoken person who doesn't really insult anyone, and I didn't deserve any of this. Just because she's found someone else, how does that mean I should just be thrown away?

 

I can't stop crying because I don't know how I'm going to get through this and I feel so much pain I can't even breathe. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking as soon as I remembered the whole thing. I can't do this

Because some people are nasty and narcissistic. There are plenty of people on here who've been through this exact same thing and I think all of our advice would be the same. Stop trying to understand the "why" she did it, fact is that she has acted in this manner. Cry it out, and then when you feel able to get up, then do so and make a list of all the bad things you want to say to her. Write it out and then burn it.

 

Nothing I can say will help you right now but you aren't alone. I promise you can make it through this, it seems dark now but you will see that her leaving you is the best thing that's ever happened to you. You deserve better than this.

[clist8511]

Because some people are nasty and narcissistic.

 

It seems dark now but you will see that her leaving you is the best thing that's ever happened to you. You deserve better than this.

 

I feel like I've wasted two years of my life. I keep thinking that she surely must feel some kind of guilt, but she never seemed to show any, just frustration and cruel insults and gloating about this man. I keep feeling like contacting her, but I won't. I am feeling the worst I have felt in a good few years. I suppose I should have realised that she could exhibit such ruthlessness, based on the way she treated me during the relationship.

 

• Wouldn't let me see friends/family when I had free time; I always had to put her first, EVERY TIME. The only way out of that was to lie and say I was busy so that I could see other people in my life. When I was with friends I had to lie and say I was sleeping/shopping/at school and that was so draining.
   
  
• Would come to my house to stay and dictate everything - the times we ate, went to sleep, woke up, what we'd do, where MY cat would be allowed to sit/sleep - if I dared to ask when she was going home even casually, she'd go into a strop and leave immediately there and then, despite me only asking to just get a general idea.
   
  
• Told me she would leave me if I got another tattoo, which just seems an odd thing to say.
   
  
• Encouraged me to study and go back to school and attend a quite demanding course - while I was working on the assignments or had to be reading for them, she'd complain that I was always too busy for her, starting arguments over the phone, non stop texts, stressing me out to the point that I couldn't even concentrate and just scraped through with a pass on that course, when I could have done so much better. That course was also the decider on whether I got into uni, and if I had failed would not have got another chance at due to it costing a lot of money.
   
  
• Wouldn't let me exercise at the times I wanted to; again called me 'rigid' and complained on me non prioritising her. I subsequently gave up working out to keep the peace and put on weight, lost confidence in myself, low self-esteem.
   
  
• Suffered extreme anxiety and depression. Usually in the night when she would break up with me and turn her phone off or block me after arguments. Would tell me to 'have a good night, good night' while I was trying to talk to her about these instances that she caused. Called ambulances out about three or four times for that.
   
  
• Constant criticisms whenever she would come to my house. Insidious comments that were designed to make me feel stupid and dumb about whatever I might have been doing. Simple things from even putting a dressing gown on and her saying "that dressing gown is so UGLY!". very rude person.
   
  
• Followed her ex on social media and was in constant contact with him, even at one point having a full album of him on her phone full of topless pictures. I was never allowed to contact my most recent ex, and I was told I wasn't trusted even though I never did anything like that (with the photos).
   
  
• Went through my phone several times when I was asleep using my thumb to unlock it. Became quite proud of it and would say "yeah, I did, so what?" When confronted.
   
  
• Played the victim. Doing it now with the number issue, overlooking what she's done to me.
  

 

Despite all of this, I am still devastated and I don't know why. Look at all the ways in which she abused me as a person and broke me down, and that's not even all of them. I feel traumatised, I'm still shaking and haven't eaten for two days. I feel like I've witnessed some kind of trauma. Why do I even care or miss her or any of that?

[MarvelFan1]

clist8511, reading what you have put, you really don't realise how lucky you are, that she left you. Someone like that doesn't deserve someone like you, and will always be doomed to bad relationships.

 

It hurts now, but in time you will heal, move on and get your power, self confidence and worth back, something she tried to strip from you.

 

When I broke up with my ex due to how she treated me, for the first two months all I could think about was messaging her and reconciling, even though I wrote down all the bad points as to why left her, and everyone saying what a lucky escape I had, but I still wanted her back. It's strange that even with all the facts in front of me and all the advice from friends and family, I was convinced I needed her. It doesn't help when I was confusing love with loneliness too.

 

But at almost 3 months after my break up, I'm feeling generally good about me and life. I think about my ex everyday, but I have the feeling of indifference towards her, I'm healing nicely and enjoying the fact I don't have a manipulative dictator around me anymore.

 

You'll get there too

[Gillys]

Hey there

 

Believe it or not, you’re handling this better than some people. I went through something very similar. Except I was weak and kept in contact with my ex, thus allowing the push/pull cycle to continue for nearly 10 months post the BU. I also had her gloating about her new man in front of me during that whole time I kept contact. By keeping in contact, she was able to F with my head even more and further lower my self-esteem.

 

So please keep no contact going, I know its hard and it will be hard for several months. However, you have taken very big steps already by changing your number and her not knowing where you live.

 

Something that might help now:

-Try drinking protein shakes to prevent losing too much weight and becoming lethargic.

 

-Try playing music (hopefully not too depressing to try to “soothe” yourself to sleep in a sense

 

-Make a daily schedule, so you wont mope in bed all day. Even put basic things down like: shower, drink protein shake, go to work, take a walk, etc.

 

-Exercise, even if its just walking outside for an hour listening to a podcast. I found this helpful to control obsessive thoughts about the breakup. For one hour the thoughts were less glaring

 

-Seek therapy or someone you can vent to in order to sort out emotions and make things more clear

 

-I know morally its wrong to some, but turn your ex into your enemy. By that I mean, she no longer deserves your support, to know anything about your life, or to know your feelings. She did something unforgivable and disliking her as much as possible right now will help you fight the urge to contact her. Just like you did above, write down everything you remember that she has done to hurt you. It may make you realize that you’re better off.

 

-The biggest revenge on an ex is success: better yourself in all ways possible (work, health, socially, etc.). Do anything you wanted to do that your ex would never allow in order to try to become happy again.

 

Sadly, you can’t stop yourself from caring immediately. My ex left me over a year ago and I still think about her daily but the thoughts are not obsessive and I rarely have the urge to reach out. It takes time but you’re doing the right thing by keeping your distance.

 

Hang in there

[Pirandello]

Hi clist,

 

I am in a similar situation of yours, i was dumped on may 27th, after a 5 year long distance relationship, we wanted to get married , have kids, live together.

 

She started acting weird on me 2 months before she decided to break up. It hurts, because i started to doubt her and i became insecure and jealous and that pushed her away even more, and i had a gut feeling there is someone else but she keeps denying it.

 

Let her have her fun, let her enjoy her life with her rebound, you will see with time their little thing will fizzle and she will call you back. But for now you have to push her away just like she is pushing you away. Go on dating sites and date other girls, go bike riding, get busy and don't dwell on the relationship because it's useless, it's the past.

 

My ex changed in 5 years, unfortunately she lost attraction to me, but i know why and i am working to better myself, not for her, but for myself and the next woman i meet, i will not repeat the same mistakes.

 

If you plan on winning back an ex girlfriend, remember this, if she dumped you once, she can do it again, and again and it will hurt more. Take your power back and be in control of yourself and don't let any woman treat you as a plan B. That's my plan. No contact is the way to go, to heal quicker and to make her think twice on what she did, and that you will not be on standby waiting for her, she will lose you for good.

 

i been doing no contact for 60 days now and holy smokes i am doing so much better than the first week after our breakup. You know she offered me to take a break and see each other once a week and talk on the phone once a day, but after a week i just could not take it anymore and i felt like she was just controlling the situation and soften the breakup. Also the risk of falling in the friend zone.

 

If you keep talking to her you run this risk of being friend zoned, and her other guy will be her alpha male. So stop contacting her, the other guy will ask her frequently, has he called you this week ? Slowly he will become weaker and you stronger and the tables will turn.

 

You got to be strong man, don't let emotions takeover, put your emotions away and think with logic. Women don't want clingy insecure guys, they want confident cool, capable of doing things without her approval and having goals and a purpose in life.

 

Search on the internet, positive traits that women are attracted to. Better yourself, you will see your life will change for the better, slowly but surely.

 

feel free to ask any questions, i am still doing self therapy, women have told me i am not ready for a relationship yet and that's ok, i keep dating anyway...

 

work on yourself and focus...

[clist8511]

Hi Pirandello,

 

Just to clear it up, my ex and I are both female. I think because of that, there are probably more emotions involved on my side. I also believe that, as she’s dated only men (and has gone on to do so) that she doesn’t like the emotions I’m displaying.

 

I’m sorry to hear that you had a bad time with your last relationship. It’s not nice and not easy, but you seem to be doing quite well now, and that’s really admirable. You should be very proud of yourself.

 

I don’t want to win her back, no. I have changed my number and so there is now no contact between us. Which of course I don’t want, but there we are.

 

Yes, I’ll try to start doing some more outside stuff soon. I’ve got a new bike and I’ve just moved to a new area so I suppose I can do some exploring…

 

I’m not doing relationships or dating, for now. Too much stress and I’m not ready for that.

 

Thank you for taking the time out to reply, I really appreciate it and every single other reply that I get. It really means a lot.

[clist8511]

Hi Gillys,

 

The one and only reason I have taken such severe steps to remove myself from her life and go NC is because this exact same thing happened to me a few years ago. I checked her Instagram every day and saw her new relationship unfolding, and I couldn’t even get out of bed or think of anything else other than the two of them. It was one of the worst times in my life. I have no desire to repeat any of that again; the parts of this I can control, I will.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your experience with your ex. That must have been a very difficult time for you, but you must have made a lot of positive progress and I am proud of you, even if I don’t know you. To move on is so difficult and anyone who goes through that pain to come out the other side is an inspiration.

 

Thank you for the list of things. I’ve already put on a podcast to help and I feel slightly more relaxed, right now. I will definitely get out that bag of whey protein and have some, tonight.

 

Thank you so much for replying. I would be lost without these replies. Thank you.

[clist8511]

Hi MarvelFan1,

 

She doesn’t deserve me, no. She caught me at a very low point in my life and abused my trust completely. She will never be happy, I agree. She is a toxic person who doesn’t know what she wants in a person, who does what she was with no remorse. I feel so embarrassed that I was fooled by her.

 

I’m so happy to hear that you are making good progress, you must be pleased with that. Confusing love with loneliness, yes, I know that song.

 

Also hey from a fellow UK resident

[MarvelFan1]

Hi MarvelFan1,

 

She doesn’t deserve me, no. She caught me at a very low point in my life and abused my trust completely. She will never be happy, I agree. She is a toxic person who doesn’t know what she wants in a person, who does what she was with no remorse. I feel so embarrassed that I was fooled by her.

 

I’m so happy to hear that you are making good progress, you must be pleased with that. Confusing love with loneliness, yes, I know that song.

 

Also hey from a fellow UK resident

Don't be embarrassed, you've learnt a valuable lesson, which you wouldn't of had, had you not met her. Anyone one who comes in to our life, no matter how bad, are they to teach us a lesson so we can avoid the same situation in the future.

 

I moved heaven and earth for my ex, did all the small things, showed unconditional love, and all I got back was a, 'My way or the highway' attitude and being used as the butt of jokes or talked down too, with the odd bit of emotional blackmail thrown in.

 

Ah well, I've learnt a lot, licked my wounds and am now just working on myself and doing what I like, free as a bird. I am pleased with my progress, but Lord knows that I have had to walk the path of being weak in order to find my strength. I genuinely hope you get there too clist8511

 

Ah, and hello there, fellow Brit

[preraph]

There's no reason to be frightened. We all feel we've wasted time when things end badly. If it's any consolation, even the bad stories become a little more amusing as anecdotes once we're much older. Make it an ending you can be proud of years from now, like "I realized I was immersed in what wasn't really a good relationship and am so proud of myself for finally realizing it and closing the door on her."

[Jagged100]

You've had some great responses in this thread. Your ex sounds like a real piece of work. I'm glad you have acknowledged how toxic she was and the relationship was in general. Everytime you want to reach out, try to remember those things and hold onto them. It's the best and oldest cliché but time really does heal all wound. Please consider maybe finding a therapist to help you work through some of the issues you've expressed and hopefully get you on a positive path.

[clist8511]

I just wondered if anyone knew any more information about counselling.. I had already started counselling just before this all happened, and was finding it a bit slow-moving. I mean, if I was to talk about this with a counsellor, would it honestly help? How would it help?

[Cookiesandough]

Of course it can help. They are professionals trained to understand emotional crisis and provide advice and guidance. If ything just having someone to talk to and getting your thoughts out can help. Sorry you are struggling

[Gillys]

You may have to shop around to find a counselor or psychiatrist that you click with. I think counseling or even talking on LS helps because after a while even the best of friends get tired of hearing us work through the breakup. Someone will always think you need to heal at a different rate than is necessary for you. Having an outside source to vent to can help you from driving your friends crazy and have someone to be vulnerable with who can’t “hurt” you in a sense; as its against the law for a medical professional to go spreading your business.

 

Medication wise: A psychiatrist can help by getting you meds to sleep and depression medication if needed.

 

If you already have a counselor, bring up the BU and what you're feeling to see if they can help.

[preraph]

I just wondered if anyone knew any more information about counselling.. I had already started counselling just before this all happened, and was finding it a bit slow-moving. I mean, if I was to talk about this with a counsellor, would it honestly help? How would it help?

 

It certainly might help. I think the subject will eventually come down to what made you accept this abusive behavior, whether it's low self-esteem or being overly tolerant, or whatever, or if it's comfortable because you learned to cope with something similar growing up. If you get the right qualified psychologist, a real one, and can establish a rapport with him/her, it should be insightful. Also, you may want to instead consider trying to find a domestic violence group, which deals with emotional abuse as well. Those are specialized counselors. You could maybe find one either through contacting a women's crisis center or call the police and ask for a victim's advocate and whoever that person is should know what is available locally. There's some good options.

[clist8511]

Thank you for all your replies. I have found out that my counsellor is away until the 4th September, so I am freaking out about that. I would usually have had a session with her today, which I could have obviously really done with. I have found a dedicated LGBT domestic abuse service that offers free counselling, and just spoken to someone who said I can be assigned a case worker (offering emotional support, counselling, etc) within a few days. I'm really hoping that that's a quick service as I have woken up this morning full of anxiety, sweating, etc. I really am freaking out.

 

I am also consumed with the urge to contact her. Even just to write one line with something like "You've broken my heart" - she wouldn't feel guilty if I did that. She'd either ignore me or say something cruel.Even so, the urge is there and I've considered doing things like emailing her back or calling her from a withheld number just to say that (withheld so that she doesn't see my new number).

 

The most horrid thing about all of this is all I want is to speak to her. And then I remind myself that she's with someone else and doesn't care about me or the relationship (which was one of the things she said) and is probably sleeping with this man. All I can think about are things like the two of them sleeping together, in different positions... almost any time I try and relax or go to sleep those thoughts are there. Even seeing couples on the TV or seeing a couple kissing reminds me that that's what she's doing now and how she must be consumed with infatuation for this person, and how she must view me as pathetic and how much she doesn't even think about me anymore. All of that makes me feel sick and I have such a feeling of inner pain that I feel like I'm going to explode. And I have no idea how to manage these feelings.

 

Last night I ran myself a bath, and tried my best to relax. I did the soothing music thing as I went to bed. Cooked myself my favourite meal. Watched a film. I called a friend to talk about nonsense. But it's still here, the pain is still here. And I'm never going to speak to or see her again and it's killing me. I just wish I didn't feel like this.

[clist8511]

I feel so stupid coming on here again and again, writing out the same thing and I just feel so stupid for even feeling anything for her.

 

I've written out an email. My ideal plan is to send it and delete the account immediately after. It is not what I want to do. I haven't done it. I haven't done it because I am trying my hardest hardest HARDEST to stick to the advice I've been given here and by people I know, because I know that advice is the right thing to be doing, and I know that it will help me to heal faster, yet I am convinced that sending this email will at least inspire some feelings of guilt within her. Or perhaps that's just what I hope. If there was any guilt to be felt, wouldn't she have felt it already?

 

I am losing my mind. How can it be that I dislike this person and hate what she's done, but want nothing more than to speak to her? That is something I can't understand.

[vickyp]

Hello there, it's not stupid to keep asking the same thing over and over again. I've done it as well. Your situation is in some ways same as mine. The abusive the breakup then come back. My way or no way. The advice and venting I got and did helped me a lot. I was with that moron for 3 yrs. Post 2 full mths of, NC I feel so good. I live alive. I love that I can do whatever and not have to explain myself, I love how I have more free time for hobbies and friends, and I love the fact, that I no longer have to hear him call me a C###. It does get better with times. Yes I think about my ex, but not good things, I think about how this person was not for me, and how toxic it was. You deserve better, we all do. Don't settle for second best. Like others have said, the best way to get at your ex is to improve yourself. It takes times but you will one day look back and think to yourself " what the heck was I thinking" stay strong, keep moving forward.

[Gillys]

I'm not sure sending the email is a good idea. I sent my ex numerous text messages after the BU and I felt even worse immediately after. She never responded the way I imagined and it honestly just hurt like hell.

 

Try writing out what you want to say to her on here. Plenty of people do it and it's a much better alternative to making yourself vulnerable to your ex when you're feeling like this.

 

Hang in there, it takes time but things will get better.

[Jagged100]

Breathe... Don't send that email, even if she reads it what do you expect her reply to be? For your own sake, keep telling yourself she hates you and wants to hurt you. If you give her even an ounce of credit and expect a positive reaction from her, I really think you're seeing yourself up for more pain. Our minds are our own worst enemies, so when you're picturing them together try to distract yourself. Go for a walk, or play a game. Anything but continuing to dwell on these negative thoughts.

 

We've all been where you are, and it's totally normal what you're going through and even how you're acting. BUT don't undo the progress you've made by contacting her, she doesn't deserve any of your energy anymore.