She is seeing someone else

[clist8511]

 

Going forward, save face. Do not contact her, and definitely do not mine for further information about this person or why she's doing this. No answer will be satisfactory, and will only lead to further questions on your part.

 

I'm finding it difficult to stay with NC, right now. I keep thinking I could just send her a quick little email, perhaps suggest to meet up and talk. I don't even think I'm trying to reconcile - I just.... it's all difficult. I went to psychotherapy today and nothing much happened. It was just a kind of introductory session - so yeah.

 

I desperately want/need to speak to her. I keep convincing myself that I can handle whatever she'd say, or that she'd agree to meet up. This is why I hate break ups - I don't handle them very well.

[Blanco]

Absolutely don't do that. Remember, this isn't someone who was able to show you compassion when she was theoretically obligated to. You won't get it now that you aren't together.

[clist8511]

Absolutely don't do that. Remember, this isn't someone who was able to show you compassion when she was theoretically obligated to. You won't get it now that you aren't together.

 

Thank you for that. I needed to hear something like that. She wasn't able to at all, no. She was a horrid partner. I have never in my life felt so low and depressed. All because of one person.

[clist8511]

I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy. I just went for a walk which must have turned into an hour's walk and it did help for a small while. But I came home, and did that annoying thing where I saved her number and just watched her go off and online. It made me feel sick to my stomach, and I almost called her (to say what, I have no idea) - I just imagine the pair of them exchanging flirty messages, unable to stop talking or sleeping with each other, it's just so overwhelming.

 

Does anyone have any words of strength or something, to help me NOT contact this person? I really feel that my willpower at some point is going to slip and I'll end up doing it.

 

I just don't feel strong enough for any of this. All I can think about is this situation. Even when I'm walking in the park, watching TV, cooking, sleeping, eating, everything I do - all I can think about is this. This can't be normal.

Edited August 7, 2017 by clist8511

[trustyourself]

Listen man, what you are experiencing is pretty normal. I was in an unhealthy relationship too, and our second breakup was 7 months ago. I was doing exactly what you are doing now. Thinking about it non stop, wondering what she was doing etc etc. But I NEVER initiated contact. I was the dumpee, so I had to let it go. She would reach out to me once in a while, and then 6 weeks ago she told me she wanted to work it out. That lasted two weeks and then she dumped me for some other guy who "made me feel good about myself". Im sure that will end well

 

Dont contact her man. Try and distract yourself. But dont be afraid to process it either.

 

I know its devastating, but it can take months and months to heal. Take it one day at a time. Hang out with people as much as possible. Try and remember that you had a life before her, and you will after her too.

[Jagged100]

She is a horrible person, and anything she says won't be positive. You need to start valuing yourself again, and try thinking with your brain and not your heart. This stage will pass but if you contact her it will set you back again. Trust the process and don't cave in.

[Blanco]

Does anyone have any words of strength or something, to help me NOT contact this person? I really feel that my willpower at some point is going to slip and I'll end up doing it.

 

Sure: I've never given in to the temptation of contacting an ex and NOT regretted it. And these were all people who cared about me and treated me well, unlike your ex. Trust me, reaching out to her might temporarily soothe you, but it will make you feel even worse, if not immediately, then in a day or so.

[MarvelFan1]

clist8511, today I have come majorly close to breaking NC and messaging my ex, after 3 months apart and 2 NC. The other week I said how great I was doing, and the last few days I've been on a bit of a downer.

 

My ex was no good for me, she left me feeing unloved, angry and low, and then I left her as I didn't love her anymore. And here I am 3 months later, wanting to message her and try and reconcile... and for what, I ask myself. Hell, she hasn't even messaged me, so that says a lot too.

 

Similar to you clist8511, my ex upset me, and later on in the day she said sorry for upsetting me, when she asked what was wrong. I accepted it and later on she asked why I was still down after she apologised, we should just move on. I said my emotions were still hurt but it will pass. She flung my head away and said to "deal with your emotions on your own", and walked on ahead of me in a huff. Whenever she upset me and I told her she had done, flinging my hand away was her specialty, as if I was in the wrong...

 

I think you need to hang in there, it will pass, just write down a list of pros and cons about your ex to remind yourself why you are better off on your own and why you need to heal yourself. We all have weak days and we can use these forums, family and friends to support us.

 

I'm too impatient and want everything fixed now and a new partner now, thinking how it's not fair etc... there is no quick fix, me, you and everyone else just has to ride out the storm of loneliness and guilt.

 

Blanco, you are big on about temporary soothing, it's like trying to cover a large would with a plaster (band aid) when you really need stitches and time to heal.

Edited August 7, 2017 by MarvelFan1

[clist8511]

Thank you for all your encouraging and honest words. I would have replied sooner to all of them, but I'm just feeling all over the place. They really did help, and I haven't contacted her.

 

I feel frustrated that this is how I'm going to feel for however long, and she's already 'happy'. I feel like the days are merging into one long day, I feel so empty. She was a terrible partner, but I miss her. I wish I didn't. I'm sure she doesn't miss me.

[Jagged100]

Thank you for all your encouraging and honest words. I would have replied sooner to all of them, but I'm just feeling all over the place. They really did help, and I haven't contacted her.

 

I feel frustrated that this is how I'm going to feel for however long, and she's already 'happy'. I feel like the days are merging into one long day, I feel so empty. She was a terrible partner, but I miss her. I wish I didn't. I'm sure she doesn't miss me.

The only advice I can give you is to try to stop fixating on but her and what she's doing. You don't really know either way how she is feeling. You're torturing yourself, and the sooner you train your brain to focus on other matters, the sooner you'll feel a little better. I know exactly what you're going through and it's hard but only you can change things for yourself. Give yourself time to mourn, it's only been a few days and you've been doing really well. It's going to get better, and one day you'll be able to look back on this experience as a learning curve.

 

Have you heard the new Katy Perry song, it's called " Save as draft"? I think it's quite appropriate for your situation.

Edited August 9, 2017 by Jagged100
Spelling

[clist8511]

The only advice I can give you is to try to stop fixating on but her and what she's doing. You don't really know either way how she is feeling. You're torturing yourself, and the sooner you train your brain to focus on other matters, the sooner you'll feel a little better. I know exactly what you're going through and it's hard but only you can change things for yourself. Give yourself time to mourn, it's only been a few days and you've been doing really well. It's going to get better, and one day you'll be able to look back on this experience as a learning curve.

 

Have you heard the new Katy Perry song, it's called " Save as draft"? I think it's quite appropriate for your situation.

 

I hadn't heard that song but I just Googled the lyrics and yeah, pretty relevant. I'm trying my best to focus on my own life. I really hope it will start to feel different. Even though she treated me badly I still miss her a lot and I feel very afraid about my future.

[clist8511]

Is it normal to feel as if this person is the only person that you want? Even though the relationship was very unhealthy, I still feel like I want to return to it and to her. I have no idea why. I wish I didn't feel like this.

[BC1980]

Does anyone have any words of strength or something, to help me NOT contact this person? I really feel that my willpower at some point is going to slip and I'll end up doing it.

 

Willpower only takes you so far, and it's completely possible you will slip at some point. That's why it's a good idea to do whatever is in your power to protect yourself. For example, blocking her is a good idea. That way, you aren't sitting there wondering if she will contact you, ect. And you don't have to deal with any random "hey" texts coming through.

 

Here is what I would recommend doing. Make a list of all the bad things she did during the relationship or a list of the reasons you shouldn't be together. Get out the list and read it when you feel an urge to talk to her. That's what worked for me.

[zi11]

I've tried to pm you but its for established members only.

However, I feel your pain man. This girl is playing mind games with you and this thing has got to stop. Who can stop it? Only YOU! I've been through it already and let me tell you something. Build walls around you, build up a strong alpha male character and forget about her completely. Go with NC at all. This girl is not good for you and you know it. She made you feel miserable on several occasions. Meaning she doesn't care about you at all. You know the old saying 'Be careful what you wish for, it might come true'. I think that if you ever have a chance to create an actual relationship with her, you'll see her true colors. Love and lust are completely different things. I do not know how old are you, but my advice to you is: start working out, change your hair style, your perfume, your clothing. Start dating other women. Be spontaneous. Be a man. Get out of the darkness and enjoy your life!

[preraph]

Is it normal to feel as if this person is the only person that you want? Even though the relationship was very unhealthy, I still feel like I want to return to it and to her. I have no idea why. I wish I didn't feel like this.

 

You are in love with who you hoped she'd be. But it's time to face reality. You'll meet a new woman and a lot of this will go away.

[MarvelFan1]

I've tried to pm you but its for established members only.

However, I feel your pain man. This girl is playing mind games with you and this thing has got to stop. Who can stop it? Only YOU! I've been through it already and let me tell you something. Build walls around you, build up a strong alpha male character and forget about her completely. Go with NC at all. This girl is not good for you and you know it. She made you feel miserable on several occasions. Meaning she doesn't care about you at all. You know the old saying 'Be careful what you wish for, it might come true'. I think that if you ever have a chance to create an actual relationship with her, you'll see her true colors. Love and lust are completely different things. I do not know how old are you, but my advice to you is: start working out, change your hair style, your perfume, your clothing. Start dating other women. Be spontaneous. Be a man. Get out of the darkness and enjoy your life!

 

You are in love with who you hoped she'd be. But it's time to face reality. You'll meet a new woman and a lot of this will go away.

Wow, these two posts really put things in to perspective for me, and my situation, thank you ?

[clist8511]

You are in love with who you hoped she'd be. But it's time to face reality. You'll meet a new woman and a lot of this will go away.

 

That's interesting. I feel as if my mind has erased all the bad memories and is fixated on the good (even though there aren't many). Perhaps that's correct. I am in love with the idea of her as she was in the beginning, and the way it was making me feel, back then. I wish it could have continued that way, and don't quite understand/am quite hurt that it didn't continue.

[MarvelFan1]

That's interesting. I feel as if my mind has erased all the bad memories and is fixated on the good (even though there aren't many). Perhaps that's correct. I am in love with the idea of her as she was in the beginning, and the way it was making me feel, back then. I wish it could have continued that way, and don't quite understand/am quite hurt that it didn't continue.

I've been there and I still do sometimes.

 

Your brain just wants you to be happy, so it will always give you the good memories to try and cheer you up, after all, who wants sad thoughts. You build up this image of your ex on a pedestal of how amazing they and the relationship was, when in reality, if it was that good, you would still be in it.

 

That's what I told myself and sometimes still have too.

[clist8511]

You build up this image of your ex on a pedestal of how amazing they and the relationship was, when in reality, if it was that good, you would still be in it.

 

So true. If it was really that perfect, none of us would even be having this conversation... it's so difficult. I even find myself Googling things like "what's the point of No Contact" - trying to find something that will encourage me. But yeah, the brain isn't having any of it. Ugh.

[clist8511]

I really don't feel like I'm going to get over this. I feel so upset at the thought that we're probably not going to talk again, even though that's probably a good thing.

 

I just wish this wasn't happening.

[Downtown]

I really don't feel like I'm going to get over this.

C-List, that is a perfectly normal feeling. But it is just a feeling. So you don't have to actually believe it. Keep in mind that the healing process is not linear, which means that you will heal in fits and starts. Some days you will wake up and feel like you're all the way back at step one and haven't made any progress at all. Again, that is just a feeling and it isn't true. If you remain NC, you will keep healing.

[clist8511]

C-List, that is a perfectly normal feeling. But it is just a feeling. So you don't have to actually believe it. Keep in mind that the healing process is not linear, which means that you will heal in fits and starts. Some days you will wake up and feel like you're all the way back at step one and haven't made any progress at all. Again, that is just a feeling and it isn't true. If you remain NC, you will keep healing.

 

I hope so NC is so difficult, though. I sometimes doubt whether I should even be doing it, but I don't have a choice. The more I find out about BPD and NPD the more my heart sinks; she had such strong tendencies especially with NPD - I read an article that seemed to describe our entire relationship - and I feel like nothing was even real and no wonder she doesn't want or need me around anymore.

 

And after knowing how many times I've been hurt she feels no empathy at all for doing it, and doing it worse than any of those other people.

[Downtown]

I read an article that seemed to describe our entire relationship.

C-List, do you recall what article that was? I ask because there are many online articles (e.g., those by Schreiber) that combine BPD and NPD symptoms together and mistakenly refer to them collectively as NPD.

 

She had such strong tendencies especially with NPD.

Perhaps so. Or perhaps she exhibits strong traits of both BPD and NPD. What you've described here, however, sounds like classic BPD traits.

 

After knowing how many times I've been hurt she feels no empathy at all for doing it, and doing it worse than any of those other people.

This total lack of affective empathy is a warning sign for both BPD and NPD. Whereas a narcissist NEVER has any empathy and is only pretending to have it much of the time, a BPDer typically has much empathy while splitting you white but NONE while splitting you black. This difference arises from the way that narcissists generally are emotionally STABLE (e.g., never able to love you) and BPDers are UNSTABLE (e.g., sometimes in touch with their love and sometimes in touch only with their hate). You may have been describing instability earlier when you stated,

The black and white thing… I mean, this wouldn’t have been the only time she turned on me. I even used to say to her during arguments/break ups, “It’s like I’

m

talking to someone else”

I feel like nothing was even real and no wonder she doesn't want or need me around anymore.

If she is exhibiting strong NPD behavior, none of it was real. She never truly loved you. She was only pretending. If it is strong BPD behavior, however, the emotions you saw very likely were real -- but, like a young child, she is incapable of being in touch with those emotions continually. She is too immature to handle being in touch with two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time.

[clist8511]

Hi Downtown,

 

The article was titled “Why do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love?” And it was on psychologytoday. I tried to find out more, but the woman who wrote appears to be an author of several books about NPD. The entire article described it all so well that I could visualize every single moment during our relationship where this stuff occurred.

 

So there really is no chance that she even feels bad, or misses me, or anything? I have never experienced anything like this. I really haven’t.

[Downtown]

The article was titled “Why do Narcissists Abuse Those They Love?”

C-List, that article is by Psychotherapist Elinor Greenberg, who is well aware of the differences between BPD and NPD. Her short article, however, does not discuss those differences. Instead, it is largely focused on the very broad overlap that occurs between BPD and NPD behaviors. For example, her discussion of black-white thinking, flips between idealization and devaluation, and abusive controlling behaviors applies to both BPD and NPD.

 

If you want to see her discussion of this BPD/NPD distinction, one option is to read her 2016 book, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. In it, she explains why BPDers typically seek love, narcissists seek admiration, and schizoids seek safety.

 

Another option is to read this free online excerpt of the Chapter 32 she wrote for a recent book. In that chapter, she explains how she distinguishes borderline patients from narcissistic and schizoid patients.

 

So there really is no chance that she even feels bad, or misses me, or anything?

If she has strong BPD traits, there is a chance she is splitting you black and, eventually, she will flip back to being in touch with her good feelings toward you. Of she may split you black permanently. On the other hand, if she exhibits strong NPD traits, she views you as an object that was highly useful for two years to "validate" her false self image of being a very special person. In that case, she "feels bad" and "misses you" in the same way she feels bad that an expensive TV set has stopped working. It is bothersome to have to replace it.