She is seeing someone else

[clist8511]

If you want to see her discussion of this BPD/NPD distinction, one option is to read her 2016 book, Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety. In it, she explains why BPDers typically seek love, narcissists seek admiration, and schizoids seek safety.

 

Another option is to read this free online excerpt of the Chapter 32 she wrote for a recent book. In that chapter, she explains how she distinguishes borderline patients from narcissistic and schizoid patients.

 

If she has strong BPD traits, there is a chance she is splitting you black and, eventually, she will flip back to being in touch with her good feelings toward you. Of she may split you black permanently. On the other hand, if she exhibits strong NPD traits, she views you as an object that was highly useful for two years to "validate" her false self image of being a very special person. In that case, she "feels bad" and "misses you" in the same way she feels bad that an expensive TV set has stopped working. It is bothersome to have to replace it.

 

Am I able to PM you, Downtown?

[Downtown]

Yes, C-List. Two weeks ago, I deleted a lot of PMs so that I am now able to receive additional ones.

[clist8511]

Well, what do you know.

 

This afternoon I received an email from her. She asked me if I'd been attempting to access her email account (I haven't, and I doubt such a thing has even happened, to be honest.) I haven't replied. I haven't replied because I know what this is. It's not only a bait and switch, but a 'flip' tactic.

 

If this had been weeks ago, I'd have replied. But I don't see the point, now.

[Jagged100]

Good for you! That is tremendous progress, and you should be proud of yourself

[clist8511]

Good for you! That is tremendous progress, and you should be proud of yourself

 

It is, isn't it? I feel quite empowered, to be honest. All that education and reading I've been doing over the last few weeks has really shown me that all of these types are hideously similar.

 

Thank you, Jagged

[clist8511]

Hi,

 

I haven’t posted for a while, and I’m quite embarrassed about what I’m going to reveal.

 

What I’d ideally like to receive here is some support, some guidance, and perhaps some reassurance? (I don’t want to sound demanding, but I’m really wary of being criticised and judged, as this is a very difficult thing to come on here and talk about)

 

I had gone two weeks without speaking to my ex. I felt quite positive. I felt that I was making a lot of progress, in terms of not having obsessive thoughts, not wanting to contact her.

 

She contacted me through the email, and because I felt ‘OK’ (or I thought I did) I thought I could handle contact with her. We discussed the possibility of being ‘friends’ – she told me that I meant a lot to her, that she would rather have me in her life than not, etc. It had been a long time since I’d heard her say anything positive and so I suppose I liked it. I agreed to us meeting up. She came over, and we started chilling out and watching films, etc.

 

We had some alcohol, and we ended up sleeping together. The next day, she was still acting as if we were a couple; being cuddly, holding hands, etc. We spoke about what had happened, and she told me things such as “I’m still emotionally attached to you, and it’s too soon for me to become involved with anyone else” and “I love you very much and I miss you”. Again, it had been a while since I had heard anything like this from her, so I believed it.

 

We then spoke about what was going to happen from then, and we agreed to talk in a couple of days to see what was going to happen. She went home.

 

Yesterday, I called her. The conversation didn’t go very far/well, she became frustrated and angry and started telling me that SHE’S decided we can’t see each other again, that we have to go back to no contact.

 

The more I tried to reason, to ask that we see each other to at least TALK about things – the angrier she became. She told me that she doesn’t really care about me, to leave her alone, etc. She is refusing to see me again. She’s basically become abusive, again. Cold, blunt, dismissive, angry, harsh.

 

I feel humiliated and used, and very hurt. Yes, I didn’t have to go through with any of that, but now I am feeling horrible. I bought some wine earlier to numb what I was feeling, and I never drink. I don’t know how or what I am going to do.

 

How can she come here and act so loving and expect me to slip straight back into No Contact? I feel like it's impossible for me to even comprehend. Too painful.

[Blanco]

Sorry to hear that. You mentioned your ex was emotionally abusive during the relationship, so unfortunately, everything you posted is in line with that.

 

You cannot be friends with her or have her in your live. It's time to block her email, phone number, all that. She has made it clear multiple times that she doesn't "want" you, so now you need to do what's best for you and permanently sever ties.

[clist8511]

Sorry to hear that. You mentioned your ex was emotionally abusive during the relationship, so unfortunately, everything you posted is in line with that.

 

You cannot be friends with her or have her in your live. It's time to block her email, phone number, all that. She has made it clear multiple times that she doesn't "want" you, so now you need to do what's best for you and permanently sever ties.

 

I have decided to buy a new phone. I have forwarded all of her emails to an email address I've created and then deleted, so I have no access to it. Once the new phone arrives, I am getting rid of my usual phone. I won't be telling her that I've done this. I intend to just disappear without confrontation. I have repeatedly tried to explain to this woman how I am feeling, and she is not responding in a caring way, or any other positive way, to be honest. I have had enough. While I am still feeling a lot of pain, I am angry that this person feels that I have to obey everything they say and want. I'm sick of it. I deserve a lot more than this.

[Jagged100]

Don't beat yourself up too much, you're only human. But please learn from this, she wanted to see if she still had power over you. After she got what she wanted she left, this is what she'll always do. For your own sanity and emotional well being please stay away from this woman. She is toxic for you, the relationship you want will never exist. You were doing really well, go back to doing those things and stick to NC. Goodluck!

[clist8511]

Don't beat yourself up too much, you're only human. But please learn from this, she wanted to see if she still had power over you. After she got what she wanted she left, this is what she'll always do. For your own sanity and emotional well being please stay away from this woman. She is toxic for you, the relationship you want will never exist. You were doing really well, go back to doing those things and stick to NC. Goodluck!

 

While this situation hurts immensely, I am able to realise and to see that she is operating in a way that is just abusive. I still feel upset, but I have the added bonus of knowing that this is just someone who doesn't possess empathy, someone who is emotionally inept, someone who doesn't truly care about me.

 

I am fed up of her telling me I'm 'intense' when my emotions are perfectly valid and in line with the situation. I'm fed up of being controlled and told what is and isn't acceptable.

 

I am hurting, so so much. But I am also not willing to carry on with this. The phone I've bought arrives on Friday morning (I hope) and on Saturday I am going away for a day retreat in the countryside which I am dreading, but I feel it might actually really be a good thing.

 

I really really despise this woman. I wish I'd never met her.

[clist8511]

I am so angry that this woman thinks it's acceptable to treat me in this way. How dare she? She isn't even a nice person. She's rude, selfish, domineering, controlling, boring, and more. How dare she insidiously manipulate me so that all of my own needs and wants are eroded and we're operating in the exact way she wants?

 

I am guilty of talking to her after we met and she has refused to see me, even when I've been crying on the phone, even when I've written clearly in messages how I feel, to the detail of how I'm breathing, not eating, not sleeping - in a bid to try and trigger some feeling inside her. And all she replies with is "I won't be seeing you. Goodnight"

 

How dare I'm told that I am intense, and that she 'can't handle it' when in actual fact, my emotions and my behaviour is in line with what's going on?

 

How dare she think that I am someone who can be treated in this vulgar way? She is vulgar, vile.

[Blanco]

You don't deserve that treatment, but the important part is that so far, you have not shown her that won't accept that treatment.

[clist8511]

You don't deserve that treatment, but the important part is that so far, you have not shown her that won't accept that treatment.

 

I agree. However, I do believe I'm making progress, even though it's very slow. But you're right. I have to face up to the fact that I am enabling some of her behaviour.

[clist8511]

The amount of pain I'm feeling at this most recent event is overwhelming. She told me that I was sabotaging her 'good place' and that she wanted to move on and me to leave her alone, and that the weekend was a mistake. This was the last I heard from her about two/three days ago.

 

None of it makes sense. How can you go from being so nice and loving to going home and cutting me out?

 

I've spoken to a few domestic abuse organisations who have told me that this is classic abuser behaviour, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Every day I wake up and there's a period of about five/ten minutes in which I remember everything that's happening and then remembering that I have to deal with it all. I even had a dream about her last night; that'd she'd messaged me telling me she loved me and was sorry (she's done that before).

 

I feel like it's all my fault and that I did something wrong, for her to cut me out. But then I don't think I did. I'm so confused.

 

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.

[vickyp]

The amount of pain I'm feeling at this most recent event is overwhelming. She told me that I was sabotaging her 'good place' and that she wanted to move on and me to leave her alone, and that the weekend was a mistake. This was the last I heard from her about two/three days ago.

 

None of it makes sense. How can you go from being so nice and loving to going home and cutting me out?

 

I've spoken to a few domestic abuse organisations who have told me that this is classic abuser behaviour, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I don't know how I am going to get through this. Every day I wake up and there's a period of about five/ten minutes in which I remember everything that's happening and then remembering that I have to deal with it all. I even had a dream about her last night; that'd she'd messaged me telling me she loved me and was sorry (she's done that before).

 

I feel like it's all my fault and that I did something wrong, for her to cut me out. But then I don't think I did. I'm so confused.

 

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.

 

Your going to get threw this by reminding yourself all the horrible things she said and did. Your also going to remind yourself that your relationship wasn't true love, and you need to focus on yourself and not her , and one day find someone who loves everything about you. The good and the bad. It's not easy, trust me, I know. I'm at 4mths, and I've been looking back and realizing it was so wrong, and should of left. They don't change. They will just find someone else to do the same thing too. So ask yourself, why do I want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time?

[clist8511]

Your going to get threw this by reminding yourself all the horrible things she said and did. Your also going to remind yourself that your relationship wasn't true love, and you need to focus on yourself and not her , and one day find someone who loves everything about you. The good and the bad. It's not easy, trust me, I know. I'm at 4mths, and I've been looking back and realizing it was so wrong, and should of left. They don't change. They will just find someone else to do the same thing too. So ask yourself, why do I want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time?

 

4 months! That's so good. Well done.

 

No. No-one wants to walk on eggshells. And no, this wasn't true love. They never do change, they just get worse as they realise just what they can do to you without any repercussions.

[Blanco]

This is all text-book emotional abusive stuff. Notice how even when she's the perpetrator, she is somehow the victim and it is you who's in the wrong.

 

It's easier said than done, but remind yourself that this is more about her. She will be like this eventually with anyone she dates. It's not you.

[clist8511]

This is all text-book emotional abusive stuff. Notice how even when she's the perpetrator, she is somehow the victim and it is you who's in the wrong.

 

It's easier said than done, but remind yourself that this is more about her. She will be like this eventually with anyone she dates. It's not you.

 

I really try to remind myself of it every day. It's so difficult to settle on the fact that yes, it was her. The doubts and self-blame always come creeping in. It's like I have to read about this stuff constantly until it becomes the normal way of viewing the situation, if that makes sense.

 

I'm so annoyed at myself (for getting into this situation) and her (for treating me this way) and now I've got like two weeks until I go back to uni. I feel exhausted and drained and just not ready for it at all.

[vickyp]

I really try to remind myself of it every day. It's so difficult to settle on the fact that yes, it was her. The doubts and self-blame always come creeping in. It's like I have to read about this stuff constantly until it becomes the normal way of viewing the situation, if that makes sense.

 

I'm so annoyed at myself (for getting into this situation) and her (for treating me this way) and now I've got like two weeks until I go back to uni. I feel exhausted and drained and just not ready for it at all.

 

Going back to uni will be good for you. It will keep your mind busy. What Blanco said is 100% true. Stay focus on you not her. Don't let her win. Thinking she's destroyed you. Yes I'm at 4 mths, and it's been hard. It would of been nice if he had reached out to say sorry. But these people are not normal. So only focus on today and tomorrow, not yesterday.

[Jagged100]

Everyday is a battle initially, you will feel like c**p a lot of time. You need to accept the emotions as they come, and deal with the issues you have. You can't blame yourself for the way someone else acts. Your ex has a mountain of issues and it's good to remind yourself of that when you get trapped in the "if only I had..." frame of mind.

 

It's good that you're getting back to uni, use this as a find to focus on new experiences and making a future for yourself. Fill the gaps that she's left in your life and one day in the not too distant future you'll wake up feeling like this was a bad dream.

 

You can do this if you want to. Take control of your life and create a positive atmosphere that you can prosper in and one day you'll meet the right person.

[Gillys]

First of all what you're feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. You're doing the right thing by trying to stay away from her. As time passes the deep pain will occur less frequently. I know that's hard to imagine now, but it just takes time. I don't think its possible to find a logical reason for your ex's behavior that could take away the pain; she sounds abusive. Please try not to dwell on the "what ifs..." too much.

 

Believe it or not going back to uni may be a welcoming distraction. Try to throw yourself into your studies and set personal goals (short term and long term) to stay focused. You'll probably also develop positive social relationships at school as well. Starting back at uni can be like a new chapter/ fresh start

[clist8511]

First of all what you're feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. You're doing the right thing by trying to stay away from her. As time passes the deep pain will occur less frequently. I know that's hard to imagine now, but it just takes time. I don't think its possible to find a logical reason for your ex's behavior that could take away the pain; she sounds abusive. Please try not to dwell on the "what ifs..." too much.

 

Believe it or not going back to uni may be a welcoming distraction. Try to throw yourself into your studies and set personal goals (short term and long term) to stay focused. You'll probably also develop positive social relationships at school as well. Starting back at uni can be like a new chapter/ fresh start

 

I really appreciate your reply. It is hard to imagine, but it can't feel like this forever, I suppose. Can I ask why you think she sounds abusive? IF you don't mind the question. I am at a stage now where I am feeling excessive doubt/questioning myself. You don't have to answer that question.

 

I can't wait to get back to uni. It's so time consuming and intense that months will fly past and I won't even have time to think about this. It's been so difficult being away from uni and going through this; there's been nothing but free time.

[clist8511]

My current thinking is, "what if she wasn't really abusive? what if I just made it all up, and she had my best interests at heart?"

 

Even though I've read about these things, spoken to professionals, had input from strangers that don't even know her... I've started thinking that maybe I just forced myself to believe these things about her. Maybe she was just trying to be a good partner. I feel like I don't know what is real and what isn't.

[Blanco]

Go read up on gaslighting.

[clist8511]

Go read up on gaslighting.

 

Hm. I have to say that I genuinely feel as if I'm living in a dream, and that I can't tell what is real and what isn't. I've been gaslighted, haven't I?