She is seeing someone else

[Jagged100]

This is without a doubt the most painful experience I have been through in a very long time.

 

thank you to everyone that's replied so far. I feel stupid for dragging this out on here. Maybe I should have moved on by now

Don't pressure yourself into putting a time limit on it. I've been broken up with by ex for 2 years and even one text recently was enough to make me feel like I've made no progress at all. Every day is different and the healing will happen if you allow it to.

[clist8511]

There isn't a time limit to move on. You'll have good days and bad days.

It isn't an overnight process or a week long process. It takes time.

And people don't mind helping-thats what this site is.

And know that you aren't the only one who has gone thru what your going thru. Its called a mistake. And people make them all the time.

But learn from it and become stronger from it. Don't let it define who you will be or become.

 

Thank you, Been. I've been feeling almost forgotten by my friends who are just talking about their day to day lives to me now - I'm constantly feeling this undercurrent of sadness and pain, and when I'm alone I tend to just crawl into bed and sleep for a few hours, when I can. I've felt like I'm pretending to be OK to them, but I'm not OK at all inside.

 

It's reassuring to know that it takes time. Although I can't imagine a time when I don't feel like this. I feel horrible. Oh well, I suppose that's just how it goes.

[clist8511]

It's been a good month and a half or so of NC, now.

 

One thing I found was that when I did immerse myself fully in NC, most of the things I thought I felt for this person died - I was able to realise that she was not a good partner or person at all, and my life has been much calmer without the stress that she bought into it.

 

All the emotional, psychological, even physical pain caused by my body being under stress - she wasn't worth it. Another person should never make me feel like that and I should never let another person have that power over me.

 

Reading this thread back, I can't believe how bad things were - I was convinced I had to stay in that situation... terrible.

 

I have no desire to contact her - I think about her fleetingly from time to time but it doesn't dominate my mind anymore. I can't believe that before I used to spend most of my time online looking at break up articles, or reading books about relationships trying to find a way out. The real way out is NC.

 

Don't know if anyone who's going through a bad break up now is reading this, but it really does get better. I was at my lowest, I wanted to die. Now I'm almost fine. Time and new experiences really help. Keep going.

 

And thank you to everyone that helped me on here

[clist8511]

I wish I hadn't written the above post. I don't feel like that at all, now. I feel as if we've just broken up. I can't sleep, and I feel like crying most of the time. Is it normal to be feeling such different things? When will this be over?

 

I've thought about writing her a letter telling her how what she did during the break up hurt me, but I think I have just enough sense not to do that. She'd do something like ring me shouting or blame me for everything again. And plus she already knew just how hurt I was back then - it didn't stop her.

 

I just don't understand how someone can act so cruelly, and now I'm supposed to pretend that someone I was with doesn't exist. It's really painful and if I"m honest I thought this pain had gone. It has been something like 8 weeks full NC and I don't even feel proud of that. i just feel sad that I have to do it at all, and that the more time that goes past is the more time I'll be forgotten about and the more time her and this person will be cementing their relationship.

 

Is it normal to feel such ups and downs?

Edited December 14, 2017 by clist8511

[Downtown]

Is it normal to feel such ups and downs?

Yes, Clist, absolutely normal. As I tried to explain when we discussed this on 8/27, the healing process is not linear. This means you will heal in fits and starts. Some days you will wake up and feel like you're all the way back at step one and haven't made any progress at all. Again, that is just a feeling and it isn't true. If you remain NC, you will keep healing.

[Blanco]

Totally normal, especially when the relationship was tumultuous. Healing is not a linear thing.

 

I battled the same thing for a long time. After the first few months, I was able to mostly resume a normal life, even though I still felt hurt from the whole ordeal. But I could still count on a couple of days every few weeks where I just felt almost as much despair as I did in the initial weeks.

 

Truth be told, I still think about it a lot, even though it's no longer this deeply painful thing to deal with. I'll have a day or two now and again where I just don't quite feel myself, but it's nothing like those first months. They were the worst.

 

It's still early in the going, so don't beat up yourself or try to think too much about your ex's love life. The latter is no longer something that affects your life going forward.

[Highndry]

I think it's perfectly normal what you're going through. It's a woman you loved, it's not going to go away right away. I'm past 2 months no contact myself, and I still hurt. It's a chapter in our lives that's never going to be erased. But when the pain comes back and feels strong, it's not lasting quite as long anymore, and I'm able to move through it more quickly. The holidays right now are very difficult, not sure if that is affecting you too.

Edited December 14, 2017 by Highndry

[clist8511]

I think it's perfectly normal what you're going through. It's a woman you loved, it's not going to go away right away. I'm past 2 months no contact myself, and I still hurt. It's a chapter in our lives that's never going to be erased. But when the pain comes back and feels strong, it's not lasting quite as long anymore, and I'm able to move through it more quickly. The holidays right now are very difficult, not sure if that is affecting you too.

 

I think I remember you saying you had been with someone abusive too? Or BPD, or something... I think it's stronger when it's like that, there feels like a lot of conflict and confusion emotions and thoughts... missing them when you know they're not a good person, etc.

 

I'm worried about the holidays to be honest. I get off uni after tomorrow and I don't know what I'm going to do with all that free time, and being on my own most of the time.

[clist8511]

Totally normal, especially when the relationship was tumultuous. Healing is not a linear thing.

 

I battled the same thing for a long time. After the first few months, I was able to mostly resume a normal life, even though I still felt hurt from the whole ordeal. But I could still count on a couple of days every few weeks where I just felt almost as much despair as I did in the initial weeks.

 

Truth be told, I still think about it a lot, even though it's no longer this deeply painful thing to deal with. I'll have a day or two now and again where I just don't quite feel myself, but it's nothing like those first months. They were the worst.

 

It's still early in the going, so don't beat up yourself or try to think too much about your ex's love life. The latter is no longer something that affects your life going forward.

 

It doesn't affect my life I suppose. I don't know I just feel so much pain at the thought of her jumping straight into something with someone, and I know she can do what she wants but she was so deceptive about it all... coming to mine and messaging and flirting with him right in front of me... saying there was nothing going on... sleeping with me... and all the while she was actually interested in him. I feel worthless, and humiliated and stupid and hurt and angry and disappointed that I gave my self to someone who just did this to me and doesn't even care

[clist8511]

I've been going to counselling since it all ended, pretty much. while it's helped slightly in some areas of my life, I just don't feel any better emotionally. I still feel alone, hurt, humiliated, worthless, I don't trust anyone anymore, I feel angry all the time and depressed (I'm on medication for the depression).

 

I don't really eat well and just order takeaways because it's literally the only thing that provides me with any kind of comfort, even though it's something I hate doing. I've developed eczema on my face which I have never had before. I've lost two friends due to other issues. The only thing I have going for me is university and I was almost removed from the course because I wasn't going in. I had to tell them what was going on and now I'm back on it, but still. It's still a real struggle to even get up and go in.

 

I've thought about contacting her but I don't know. I wouldn't. I don't want to know anymore about this man of hers. and judging from past interactions with her she is unlikely to be compassionate with me or my feelings. she told all her family I was stalking her which was untrue - she didn't tell them that she came to my house and acted like she was still in love with me, though.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore .I tried dating and it just went wrong... I was talking to someone and she kept flirting with me, only to then tell me she didn't like me like that- I remember I stayed in bed for the whole weekend crying about that. I wouldn't care usually.

 

I don't even trust any one anymore anyway. I can't meet someone and go through three/four years of being with them only to have to detach and go through pain again. I'm not doing it. I would rather just be left alone.

 

I feel really stupid writing all of this but I have no one to talk to at all about this. I thought I was starting to feel better. I thought eight weeks was a good amount of time but it just feels like one week.

[clist8511]

Sometimes I feel like it would just be simpler to contact her. I didn't realise NC was going to be so difficult. I mean, it's been a while now and she hasn't even attempted contact - has she just forgotten about me completely? Not even to apologise for acting the way she did. Nothing. I'm finding this horrible. And I'm supposed to never speak to her again? The thought of that just makes me start crying. I'm sure it's not normal to feel like this

[Jdoublenn]

Sometimes I feel like it would just be simpler to contact her. I didn't realise NC was going to be so difficult. I mean, it's been a while now and she hasn't even attempted contact - has she just forgotten about me completely? Not even to apologise for acting the way she did. Nothing. I'm finding this horrible. And I'm supposed to never speak to her again? The thought of that just makes me start crying. I'm sure it's not normal to feel like this

 

The reason it helps(in theory) is because while she's not contacting you, you're not contacting her either.

 

The worst part would be you messaging her and her leading you on WHILE seeing the other person, or being ignored all together. NC sucks... bad. But its better than the alternative in this case, since she is making no effort to contact you..

 

*HUGS*

[clist8511]

The reason it helps(in theory) is because while she's not contacting you, you're not contacting her either.

 

The worst part would be you messaging her and her leading you on WHILE seeing the other person, or being ignored all together. NC sucks... bad. But its better than the alternative in this case, since she is making no effort to contact you..

 

*HUGS*

 

She already did that, when she came over and slept with me. She was beginning something with him at the time, but denied it. That's what makes this worse. If there was no one else on the scene I don't know if I'd be feeling as bad as this.

 

I've really thought about all of this and I realise that there's no good outcome to contact with her....

 

I could contact her and one of a few things would happen:

 

• She'd be nice, and I'd get mixed signals
  
• She'd be abusive towards me
  
• She'd ignore me altogether
  
• I'd start asking questions about her feelings toward me and being disappointed/confused with her answers
  
• I'd find out more about this new relationship
  
• And I'd have to begin NC again - we're unable to be friends
  

 

I'm just not sure how to cope with the fact that I'm probably never going to speak to her again. It's really hard.

 

Thank you for the hugs. I'm really appreciative of any one taking the time out to reply, here.

Edited December 17, 2017 by clist8511

[Jdoublenn]

I've really thought about all of this and I realise that there's no good outcome to contact with her....

 

I could contact her and one of a few things would happen:

 

• She'd be nice, and I'd get mixed signals
  
• She'd be abusive towards me
  
• She'd ignore me altogether
  
• I'd start asking questions about her feelings toward me and being disappointed/confused with her answers
  
• I'd find out more about this new relationship
  
• And I'd have to begin NC again - we're unable to be friends
  

 

I'm just not sure how to cope with the fact that I'm probably never going to speak to her again. It's really hard.

 

Thank you for the hugs. I'm really appreciative of any one taking the time out to reply, here.

 

 

EXACTLY. Listen to your bullet points there. You have no idea what the future holds. Now don't give yourself false hope, but if it makes you feel better, you have no idea if you'll talk to her later on in life... Thats the way I looked at it. All I knew was if we ever DID talk again(which we did, in my case) I wanted to make sure I was stronger and healthier. I didn't want to let him 'affect' me like he did when his inner-narc came out, so i set my sights on that to start off!

[clist8511]

EXACTLY. Listen to your bullet points there. You have no idea what the future holds. Now don't give yourself false hope, but if it makes you feel better, you have no idea if you'll talk to her later on in life... Thats the way I looked at it. All I knew was if we ever DID talk again(which we did, in my case) I wanted to make sure I was stronger and healthier. I didn't want to let him 'affect' me like he did when his inner-narc came out, so i set my sights on that to start off!

 

This is actually a really good point. It sends a great message to look and be stronger and healthier if they contact you again.

 

I know we'll never get back together; oddly, that's not what I'd want (so why I'm struggling with NC, I have no idea) but... I just can't see her reaching out to me, and I'm too scared to reach out to her because of those things on the list above. So....

[Jdoublenn]

I just can't see her reaching out to me, and I'm too scared to reach out to her because of those things on the list above. So....

 

You should be happy about this LOL. Its much easier to mentally move on when you don't have their stupid little messages poking in every so often. I literally crawled out of bed with a ONS in Vegas to a text from X.... and even though I tried to play it off, down the rabbit hole I went again. *face palm*

[clist8511]

You should be happy about this LOL. Its much easier to mentally move on when you don't have their stupid little messages poking in every so often. I literally crawled out of bed with a ONS in Vegas to a text from X.... and even though I tried to play it off, down the rabbit hole I went again. *face palm*

 

God, not that rabbit hole. Sounds like your ex was a bit of a nightmare... You're right though. That's annoying; having to try and move on while they're still in contact with you messing you about... at least with NC you're not being controlled by what they say/when they contact you and how it makes you feel

 

Well, I suppose if I really think about it, I don't want her contacting me. Probably a mix of familiarity, nostalgia and loneliness on my part. Also other things like fear of not finding anyone, fear of being hurt again, etc. It's really messed me up, this relationship - lol.

[clist8511]

I really worry that I won't detach from her. These last eight weeks I've hardly thought about her, and it's suddenly all come back, and I don't even know why. It's strange, being in the midst of this.

 

I can't imagine how it must be for people who've been together for years and years to start to process break ups; we were together for 2.5 years and I feel like I'll never get over it.

[Jdoublenn]

I really worry that I won't detach from her. These last eight weeks I've hardly thought about her, and it's suddenly all come back, and I don't even know why. It's strange, being in the midst of this.

 

I can't imagine how it must be for people who've been together for years and years to start to process break ups; we were together for 2.5 years and I feel like I'll never get over it.

 

There was another thread and the dumpee felt the same way as you. Some other posters said it was bc he hadn't really dealt with the loss of his wife and more just put off the feelings for a long time... so months later they all came rushing back because it was never really dealt with. Maybe this is something youre dealing with similarly...

 

Of course you WILL be okay one day! You won't hold on to her forever but it certainly takes time!

[clist8511]

There was another thread and the dumpee felt the same way as you. Some other posters said it was bc he hadn't really dealt with the loss of his wife and more just put off the feelings for a long time... so months later they all came rushing back because it was never really dealt with. Maybe this is something youre dealing with similarly...

 

Of course you WILL be okay one day! You won't hold on to her forever but it certainly takes time!

 

You mean his wife dumped him?

 

This maybe makes sense;

 

When I began NC with my ex, I signed up to a dating site and messaged one woman. She replied, and we got talking. We'd send each other long messages, and she really seemed to be into me. We also seemed to be really compatible - we had so much in common. I remember thinking that I'd met someone much 'better' than my ex, and I hardly thought about her. I didn't cry, didn't think about her, didn't miss her - nothing.

 

But the thing with the new girl didn't go anywhere; it turned out she wasn't actually into me and just wanted to be friends, and I kind of went through a mini break up - I was low for a couple of days, etc. But now, there are no distractions from my feelings... I feel like it's all come flooding back.

 

Obviously this whole thing took up most of my attention for a while, and I didn't process anything to do with my ex. So... I guess what you're saying makes a sense. I hadn't thought of that.

[Jdoublenn]

You mean his wife dumped him?

 

.

 

I could totally be confusing threads so don't quote me here but i believe it was a forced dump thing. He found out she was cheating and left her. (Oops I guess I meant he was the dump-er not dumpee)

 

In either case, it'll happen for you I promise! Just give yourself time.

[clist8511]

Today, I feel really very frustrated with this situation. I feel almost angry; in fact I do feel angry. I feel angry that I even have to do this whole ‘No Contact’ thing with someone I just want to talk to. I feel angry that this is the only way out of the situation, and I almost feel like breaking NC out of anger – a kind of breaking the ‘rules’, if you will.

 

Neither of us have each other’s number – the only way I can message her is to create an Instagram account and then DM her. Of course, from my side that seems quite rational, and the last time I did it she responded relatively OK. But from her side, if I did it again I’m sure she’d get annoyed – to be fair, so would I. If someone I broke up with kept making IG accounts and messaging me to ‘talk’, it would be stopping me from moving on, and yeah, I think while I’d try to be understanding, it would be slightly irritating. Who really wants an ex popping up when you’re trying to move on?

 

I feel annoyed that this is the situation I’m in. There is literally nothing I can do. I have one person IRL to talk to about this, and it’s difficult when I’m starting to feel paranoid about talking about this again and again.

 

I am in NC but I am not feeling any relief, my mind is still very much on my ex. I just want to be out, to be free of this. And while my ex said that she is in fact single and healing from this, of course she will move on at some point. And the thought of that is so upsetting.

 

I am doing everything I can (bar the contact after 10 weeks NC) to move on from this and I still feel very much fixated on her. It’s been I think… wait, well I last spoke to her in October, then at the end of December so what, three months? I feel like I have gone mad. She broke up with me in July and I was fine and dealing with things well until September when we slept together. Then that awful month of contact we had until I went NC in October. It’s such a mess. I just want to feel better.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Today, I feel really very frustrated with this situation. I feel almost angry; in fact I do feel angry. I feel angry that I even have to do this whole ‘No Contact’ thing with someone I just want to talk to. I feel angry that this is the only way out of the situation, and I almost feel like breaking NC out of anger – a kind of breaking the ‘rules’, if you will.

 

Neither of us have each other’s number – the only way I can message her is to create an Instagram account and then DM her. Of course, from my side that seems quite rational, and the last time I did it she responded relatively OK. But from her side, if I did it again I’m sure she’d get annoyed – to be fair, so would I. If someone I broke up with kept making IG accounts and messaging me to ‘talk’, it would be stopping me from moving on, and yeah, I think while I’d try to be understanding, it would be slightly irritating. Who really wants an ex popping up when you’re trying to move on?

 

I feel annoyed that this is the situation I’m in. There is literally nothing I can do. I have one person IRL to talk to about this, and it’s difficult when I’m starting to feel paranoid about talking about this again and again.

 

I am in NC but I am not feeling any relief, my mind is still very much on my ex. I just want to be out, to be free of this. And while my ex said that she is in fact single and healing from this, of course she will move on at some point. And the thought of that is so upsetting.

 

I am doing everything I can (bar the contact after 10 weeks NC) to move on from this and I still feel very much fixated on her. It’s been I think… wait, well I last spoke to her in October, then at the end of December so what, three months? I feel like I have gone mad. She broke up with me in July and I was fine and dealing with things well until September when we slept together. Then that awful month of contact we had until I went NC in October. It’s such a mess. I just want to feel better.

 

Keep NC...or not. Do what you feel you need to do, BUT think about why you are doing it. I was in your situation this past month or so and with good intentions, but my breaking NC became much more problematic for both myself and my ex. In the end, the best way to continue to work towards healing is to remain NC and resume your life. Get out. Keep busy. Get therapy!

 

She is clearly trying to move on. Let her! If you really care about her, let her go and let her heal. You sticking around doesn't help her. Believe me, I made the same mistake and though we learned much more about ourselves, it is over. We are each other's past....keep it there.

Edited January 8, 2018 by simpleNfit

[clist8511]

Keep NC...or not. Do what you feel you need to do, BUT think about why you are doing it. I was in your situation this past month or so and with good intentions, but my breaking NC became much more problematic for both myself and my ex. In the end, the best way to continue to work towards healing is to remain NC and resume your life. Get out. Keep busy. Get therapy!

 

Well, the reason I haven't broken NC is because I know exactly what her responses will be to anything I say. I don't want to be messaging her well into the future, having not moved on, while she begins dating, etc etc. I had enough of a problem ending the conversation when we did speak - I wouldn't be able to deal with sending a few messages and then not speaking again. It's too much.

 

Yes, I know she is and while of course I miss her, I don't want to stop her from doing that. I want to move on, too.

 

I also know that perhaps the reasons for breaking it are somewhat driven out of fear and loneliness - the relationship was not healthy at all. I know that if I break NC, and continue to do so, that the pain will last longer and be very painful, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to cause myself any more pain than is necessary. I also don't want to be seen as 'annoying' or someone who 'just won't move on'.

 

So it feels really horrible because I do want to break it, but I know that I can't and that I must remain in this situation until I 'heal' - hence the frustration.

 

Sorry, I know I've gone on a bit of a rant. I'm trying my best to keep busy. I will stay in NC. I know it's what's best.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, the reason I haven't broken NC is because I know exactly what her responses will be to anything I say. I don't want to be messaging her well into the future, having not moved on, while she begins dating, etc etc. I had enough of a problem ending the conversation when we did speak - I wouldn't be able to deal with sending a few messages and then not speaking again. It's too much.

 

Yes, I know she is and while of course I miss her, I don't want to stop her from doing that. I want to move on, too.

 

I also know that perhaps the reasons for breaking it are somewhat driven out of fear and loneliness - the relationship was not healthy at all. I know that if I break NC, and continue to do so, that the pain will last longer and be very painful, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to cause myself any more pain than is necessary. I also don't want to be seen as 'annoying' or someone who 'just won't move on'.

 

So it feels really horrible because I do want to break it, but I know that I can't and that I must remain in this situation until I 'heal' - hence the frustration.

 

Sorry, I know I've gone on a bit of a rant. I'm trying my best to keep busy. I will stay in NC. I know it's what's best.

 

I feel for you. The relationship was not healthy, right? Has anything changed since the break-up? Have you? Her? Not just by words, but therapy, tools to identify what the problems were and how to use them? My ex wife had a horrid time letting me go! She simply would not do it. I could feel the pain in her heart and the conflict. I finally had to let her go. She will miss me, she still loves me and a very big part of her doesn't want to let go, but this is her MO in past relationships and part of the reason why I broke it off with her initially. Oftentimes you simply have to see things for what they are, not wrapped in a hopeless romantic's fantasy, but in-you-face reality.

 

I hated to see her hurt, frustrated, confused. HATED IT. And I disliked the confusing messages I was getting from her. So, I let her go...

 

I hate being in this state as you are. I am wounded by the events of the past couple of years, but I will be fine. She will be fine. YOU WILL BE FINE! Just let go...let go.