A MM's story - really resonated with me

[wmacbride]

OP I feel like I could have written your story. I didn't always "relate" to other posters. I felt mine was "different" but I could have written all these things.....which means it's not "different"

 

I heard this talk once, can't remember who it was, but it said men cheat to stay married. Meaning you in a way add to his marraige. Your MM prob does love you he prob does care for you the thing is, he"s not going to leave. Why should he. He gets his needs met while you remain.

 

Funny story, mm had asked me a while ago if I've ever read The giving tree. Ive never read it. I looked it up and asked my kids. (It's a children's book) Apparently it's about a tree she loves a boy, and she gives and gives of herself to the boy what he needs till she is only a stump. (That's the synopsis I read, if there's more I don't know) Anyways I said no never read it. He said I thought you would like it your kind of book. Why because I'm a giver or taker? Giver he said......

 

The point I'm trying to make is....I we OW give give and he takes. He takes from his wife he takes from you so he gets what he needs and you are left a stump.

 

The Giving Tree is a good analogy.

 

The man keeps taking and taking, and the tree keeps on selflessly giving, happy to be doing something for her best friend.

 

The best friend leaves, and the tree is left alone. One day, the boy,now a man,comes back and still wants more. The tree gives it out of love. She gave until she left herself completely gutted,and so long as she was willing to give, the man was willing to take. He saw what he was doing to her, the friend he claimed to love.

[Birdies]

I heard this talk once, can't remember who it was, but it said men cheat to stay married. Meaning you in a way add to his marraige. Your MM prob does love you he prob does care for you the thing is, he"s not going to leave. Why should he. He gets his needs met while you remain.

 

This is so, SO true - having been on both sides of the coin in MM/MW affair. It was true for both of us.

[Serendipity55]

He says his W wants sex (or did before she just had her baby) but he doesn't because he's thinking about me all the time...I know, words words words.

 

Love the giving tree analogy. Sadly it is what I do. He cries, says he needs me and can't bear to be without me and that if he didn't have kids (and didn't love them more than me - as it should be of course) he'd be brave and confess to his W that he'd fallen in love with someone else. But he knows he'd be unhappy with me because he wouldn't have his children. So he's asking me to be his OW indefinitely and saying if his M deteriorates further he'd leave it. Maybe.

 

This brings me neatly on to the point made by Sunshinechica and Birdies...I think my presence is his life does allow his marriage to continue. When I am in his life he seems happier and less needy and I really notice a change in the tone of his communications with me. When I pull back he becomes more needy, more jealous, more angry and that must be somewhat visible at home. Surely his W must notice the mood change? Or maybe she's too busy poor woman trying to look after her kids to notice. Or maybe she is in denial or maybe he's really good at hiding how he feels. But it's become more and more apparent that with me in his life he feels complete - he has his family and he has me. I have noticed he comes to me more and more with his thoughts and his worries, he confides in me and trusts me clearly.

 

He seems relaxed about the fact I could blow up his world. He said it's a consequence of what he has done and if it happens it happens. Weird.

 

I am dreaming more about mine and my daughter's future. I want stability and normality for us both. I want to enjoy our lives together. I spend far too much time thinking about MM but I am tortured by this self-inflicted need to understand him and what his real motivations are. It's something I always do. Writing here is helping me almost rationalise my thoughts and I value the advice given greatly. So thank you, it is invaluable to me.

[Hbroken]

could i ask you how old you are serendipity?

[Serendipity55]

i am 32...why?

[DKT3]

Back in feb the OP stated that the MM's wife was pregnant and I think she also said he had a very young daughter. His wife must have recently given birth, she's taking care of an infant and a pre-schooler and poor MM isn't getting the sex and attention at home that he feels entitled to.

 

No way do I believe this guy values his children. There is nothing honorable or noble about cheating on your children's other parent. Even if the affair is not discovered the lying and emotional disconnect in the home causes pain and strife to the betrayed spouse which then creates an unhappy atmosphere for the kids. People who are truly devoted to their kids would never do that to them.

 

I don't agree that he doesn't value the kids....the issue with people in affairs is they value themselves far more than they value those who depend on them, those who love and trust them, those who will be in a great deal of pain and will have thier lives turned into a dramatic toxic mess because of those selfish self serving actions. Idea parents? Haha, that's funny. But still parents who love and value the kids. But they are not the priority, the spouse is not a priority, the job/career is not a priority. It's all overshadowed by the desire to please themselves.

[DKT3]

i am 32...why?

 

32, and already burned so much of your prime on some other woman's husband. So, do you have a stopping point? We have a poster here who has been where you are for two decades...even married another man while actively in her affair.

[Serendipity55]

He has told me that his focus and priority has been me and he recognises that is wrong. His focus has been on me because it's what he wants to do, he has put me first when he shouldn't have (he has said this verbatim). However, he says his life decisions should revolve around his kids (I agree) so leaving them would be in his 'best interests' but not theirs and his role as a father has to take priority. I agree. He has a responsibility to them to be there. Leaving to set up home with me would not be in their best interests and I do realise that.

 

I am 32, not 22. My prime is behind me but that's not to say I might not meet a man who will love me in the open. But I take onboard the point, if my focus is on him I will end up stuck.

[DKT3]

He has told me that his focus and priority has been me and he recognises that is wrong. His focus has been on me because it's what he wants to do, he has put me first when he shouldn't have (he has said this verbatim). However, he says his life decisions should revolve around his kids (I agree) so leaving them would be in his 'best interests' but not theirs and his role as a father has to take priority. I agree. He has a responsibility to them to be there. Leaving to set up home with me would not be in their best interests and I do realise that.

 

I am 32, not 22. My prime is behind me but that's not to say I might not meet a man who will love me in the open. But I take onboard the point, if my focus is on him I will end up stuck.

 

Haha, 32 is prime....that perfect age where you are supposed to be mentally on top of it and physically capable of doing it.

 

I'm sure you understand it intellectually but what about emotionally? And you are 100% throwing away your prime. In the end, he isn't leaving. But, if by some slim chance he does what have you won? A guy who cheats on his wife, admits he doesn't prioritize his kids, a man you will never fully trust....man, what a prize.

[smalltownwriter]

He says his W wants sex (or did before she just had her baby) but he doesn't because he's thinking about me all the time...I know, words words words.

 

Love the giving tree analogy. Sadly it is what I do. He cries, says he needs me and can't bear to be without me and that if he didn't have kids (and didn't love them more than me - as it should be of course) he'd be brave and confess to his W that he'd fallen in love with someone else. But he knows he'd be unhappy with me because he wouldn't have his children. So he's asking me to be his OW indefinitely and saying if his M deteriorates further he'd leave it. Maybe.

 

This brings me neatly on to the point made by Sunshinechica and Birdies...I think my presence is his life does allow his marriage to continue. When I am in his life he seems happier and less needy and I really notice a change in the tone of his communications with me. When I pull back he becomes more needy, more jealous, more angry and that must be somewhat visible at home. Surely his W must notice the mood change? Or maybe she's too busy poor woman trying to look after her kids to notice. Or maybe she is in denial or maybe he's really good at hiding how he feels. But it's become more and more apparent that with me in his life he feels complete - he has his family and he has me. I have noticed he comes to me more and more with his thoughts and his worries, he confides in me and trusts me clearly.

 

He seems relaxed about the fact I could blow up his world. He said it's a consequence of what he has done and if it happens it happens. Weird.

 

I am dreaming more about mine and my daughter's future. I want stability and normality for us both. I want to enjoy our lives together. I spend far too much time thinking about MM but I am tortured by this self-inflicted need to understand him and what his real motivations are. It's something I always do. Writing here is helping me almost rationalise my thoughts and I value the advice given greatly. So thank you, it is invaluable to me.

 

I can pretty much guarantee your presence is making his marriage better. He gets the best of both worlds, his needs met. Why would he ever leave that?

[elaine567]

He has told me that his focus and priority has been me and he recognises that is wrong. His focus has been on me because it's what he wants to do, he has put me first when he shouldn't have (he has said this verbatim). However, he says his life decisions should revolve around his kids (I agree) so leaving them would be in his 'best interests' but not theirs and his role as a father has to take priority. I agree. He has a responsibility to them to be there. Leaving to set up home with me would not be in their best interests and I do realise that.

 

I am 32, not 22. My prime is behind me but that's not to say I might not meet a man who will love me in the open. But I take onboard the point, if my focus is on him I will end up stuck.

 

OK he says he has put you first but has he really?

It is easy to say "My focus is on you, my priority is you", but he is the one still with his wife and kids, with no intention of leaving...

This I guess is pure bunkum designed to keep you where he wants you to be, keeping him warm and comfortable whilst he deals with the "hell" that is his loving wife and kids, oh poor him...

 

As for 32... you could still be where you are at 42, 52, 62... this waiting in the wings stuff can go on for years and years, for as long as you will put up with it.

DO NOT waste you life, he is not worth it.

[BaileyB]

He has told me that his focus and priority has been me and he recognises that is wrong. His focus has been on me because it's what he wants to do, he has put me first when he shouldn't have (he has said this verbatim). However, he says his life decisions should revolve around his kids (I agree) so leaving them would be in his 'best interests' but not theirs and his role as a father has to take priority. I agree. He has a responsibility to them to be there. Leaving to set up home with me would not be in their best interests and I do realise that.

 

I am 32, not 22. My prime is behind me but that's not to say I might not meet a man who will love me in the open. But I take onboard the point, if my focus is on him I will end up stuck.

 

You are definitely in your prime at 32 years old...

 

Elaine said it, he has clearly not put you first. He has put himself first, then his family, and you are a far distant third...

 

And to say it again, a man who loves his children and has their "best interest" at heart invests in the health and well being of the family - he doesn't fool around with another woman, giving up time with his family, and risking the security of the family by giving another woman the ability to blow up his world at any moment...

 

His words are as cheap as they come... Please, don't waste your youth and your life on this man. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - put yourself and your children first and leave this guy behind...

[minimariah]

He seems relaxed about the fact I could blow up his world. He said it's a consequence of what he has done and if it happens it happens. Weird.

 

it makes sense... when you really think about it.

 

i believe he WOULD be able to deal with NOT seeing his kids all the time, every single day - he just wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that it was HIM who made that decision. if you were to reveal the A to his wife, she would have filed for divorce - let's assume it that way - and he would be FORCED to see his children only 50% of the time. even if he was the one with the primary custody, he still wouldn't see them EVERY day and EVERY weekend... so he shares them forever with his wife, his time with them.

 

i think he's OK with you having the power because - in a way - the DDay would have been a relief for him. it would be someone else making the decision for him and making it easy for him by forcing him to obey the decision. he'd just have no choice but to accept the fact that his wife wants to leave (for example) and that he'd see his kids part time - he would be able to blame it on the wife, you or the system... but not on himself. if he was the one to file though... it would be HIS decision and he wouldn't be able to cope with that guilt. as long as he HAS the choice - he feels like he must keep choosing his kids and his wife. that's why he probably wants someone to take that choice away from him because it's always easier to just - obey.

 

that's why he's OK with you knowing and having the power and with the possible dday - EVERYTHING just to avoid the responsibility that comes with making a direct decision.

 

also - the entire thing about wanting to see the kids every single day... unless he's a stay at home dad, he probably doesn't spend a lot of time with them now. he sees them maybe a couple of hours, these are babies who mostly sleep. let's assume he works so he probably sees them when he comes home to the time they take a nap or go to bed - and that's just a few hours. so if he was to see them only 50% of the time... it wouldn't really make all that difference.

Edited August 13, 2017 by minimariah

[wmacbride]

This guy is so lucky. He's got you, who is obviously head over heels in love with him and he also has his wife at home, who is also probably head over heels for him.

 

It's easy for him to make the type of comments he does because he knows you love him, and have shown you will be willing to go along with him, even if that means he's hurting you.

 

Does he know how this has been affecting you? If so, what did he say? If not, tell him, Tell him what this is doing to you.

 

You'll know really soon how much he really cares about you.

[Serendipity55]

Hi,

 

I have told him I wasn't really coping and it was making me unhappy. I said I needed space. He contacted me about every 5 days during this period. I didn't reply.

 

He said it has made him ill too - he's now on medication for stress. I said it's made me feel really awful and he's been, seemingly, moved by that.

 

However, I don't feel very loved by him at the moment. He turned up an event (as I shared earlier in this thread) and it meant he only got home at around 3am. His W was understandably annoyed because they have a newborn. He said he was working. Obviously. It was at this meeting he told me he loved me more than her but hadn't wanted to vocalise it. Since then he's been messaging me every day but it's not with the same intensity. He is asking me to meet him again this week but I've not committed.

 

I feel like I can't say anything about how I feel he's different because he'll just say "busy at work, busy at home" etc and I'll look needy etc. However, something doesn't feel right. Ugh.

[Serendipity55]

I posted my last message in a rush. It's not that it doesn't feel right it just doesn't feel any different. So it's just words the "love you more" rhetoric. I know only person he really loves is himself. I know I can free myself whereas his W can't. I feel OK about it all because I am moving forward in other parts of my life. The s&x is great but what else do I get?

[BaileyB]

What else do you get? It's a serious question, you must be getting something from him because you continue to allow him to contact you while most others would have told him to walk a long time ago...

 

It goes without saying, but it's possible to have great sex with another man who will love and support you, listen to your difficulties at work, hold you when you are sad, help you to raise your daughter, vacation together, buy cough medicine when you are sick, etc... Can your married man do any of this for you?

 

What is it that you are getting from this interaction - other than sex?

[Serendipity55]

Good question...What am I getting...I am thinking about that carefully...

 

I guess a friend - he's been there through everything and is always at the end of the phone. Yes I have other friends, as close as him, but some reason we seem to confide in each other a lot. I also value his honesty to me. He's never told me what I want to hear and he's always been honest about wanting to stay with his kids. I note and agree with what minimariah said...this could be cowardly and point to possibility he doesn't want to make any decisions. Is that attractive - a passive float on the wind type person? No. It's not a strong, decisive and decent person I suppose.

 

He also makes me feel good. I can't put my finger on why. It's just a feeling I get. I guess I also feel safe with him, again don't know why.

 

He's been with his W for 12 years. He has said the man he is now has fallen in love with me and that's very different person from the one he was when he met his W. He's said that if he felt how he feels now he wouldn't have got married (a year ago and before we began). It's academic because he is married and he won't leave her because of the access to the kids thing / not wanting to make a decision.

 

I would like to understand why I am so weak as to not have given him his marching orders because objectively I would be telling me to tell him to get lost like 12 months ago.

 

When you listed the limitations I had to agree. He's there in spirit but physically he can't be because of his responsibilities i.e. his children. There are other men who want to do those things. I've met one recently and he seems genuine and is unattached. I don't think it's got legs (I'm not sure I am feeling it) but I suppose it is a sign that there are other good men out there I just haven't been in a position to meet them yet.

 

Also, although he professes to be very devoted to his kids he's also said that he realises, in reality, he's more focussed on us (because that's where he wants his focus to be - I am under no illusion it's because it's in his best interests). Proven also by his recent actions - came to my thing and stayed until 3 when his W was calling and wondering why he was so late at work. Would a man do that if he really was devoted to family life? Genuine question...The baby is 3 weeks old but his W had someone round helping her with the kids that night so it wasn't like his children were at some disadvantage by him not being there. But objectively would I think it was a 'good' thing to do, spend time with me when he was needed elsewhere, probably not. But he is 'doing the right thing' in general by staying put and maintaining the happy home life for his children...it's not binary.

[Starswillshine]

Go through every one of your replies and take out any part where you stated "he says" or "he said", etc...

 

What are you REALLY left with?

 

I promise, I really love you. I will drop everything, leave it all behind to be your lover. Never look back. We can be lovers.

 

See how easy that was for me to promise it to You? Granted we are strangers over the internet. But how well can you really know a man that keeps you as his secret?

[pheonixrisen]

He has told me that his focus and priority has been me and he recognises that is wrong. His focus has been on me because it's what he wants to do, he has put me first when he shouldn't have (he has said this verbatim). However, he says his life decisions should revolve around his kids (I agree) so leaving them would be in his 'best interests' but not theirs and his role as a father has to take priority. I agree. He has a responsibility to them to be there. Leaving to set up home with me would not be in their best interests and I do realise that.

 

I am 32, not 22. My prime is behind me but that's not to say I might not meet a man who will love me in the open. But I take onboard the point, if my focus is on him I will end up stuck.

 

Serendipity :when a man loves you more than his wife he will leave ...a lot of children now are brought up in 2 different household and they turn out okay .

 

Unless his wife is on some level dangerous to the children and would harm them then i can understand the bull **** he is spewing about how he cannot leave bevause of his children etc..

 

He is staying because

He loves his wife more that you

She is valuable to him more than you

And she is loyal .

 

But this whole thread is full off how he is doing push and pull /how he cannot leave because of his children etc..etc..he is saying /contradicting/twisting to suits his own wants and needs

 

But he stays in the marriage for his wife .not for his children .because he loves her more than you.

 

Would you continue to have a happy affair if he said

I love my wife more than you

I will not leave her .no matter who comes and goes

My life is with her ..but I want you on the side to fulfill other needs .

 

Would you buy and stay for the above

 

Or would you /and are staying because this story you can live with that it's for his children it easier on you to believe this rather than above .because it would hurt to know he is just using you till you allow it.

[BaileyB]

I would suggest to you respectfully that you probably won't be "feeling it" for any man as long as you are still tied up with this married man. Another man, regardless of how kind, intelligent, funny, sweet, and single he may be, simply can't compete with the way you have put this married man on a pedestal.

 

It will be much easier to date and consider other men for who they are and what they could bring to your life when you are free and clear of this married man.

 

It is quite clear that you feel you have a very special connection to this married man. I will ask again, could it be that you have transferred some of the feelings from your husband to this man? If memory serves, it was not long after your husband passed away that you became involved with this affair. And I mean, not long in terms of dealing with grief... If you don't mind me asking, what was your relationship like with your husband? Is it possible that you have attached yourself to this other man as a method of coping with the grief and loneliness of your loss? The friendship and affection he brings to your life, is it possible that you just really needed that at the time given the circumstances of your life?

 

And finally, yeah... There is nothing to respect about a man who is out chasing another woman at a work function when his wife is home caring for his newborn baby. You must know that. It doesn't really matter that his kids were not "disadvantaged." How would you feel if your husband was staying out late, unbenownst chasing another woman, while you were home caring for his children. Is he really doing the "right thing" by staying in a relationship, when he is lying to his wife, staying out late, and chasing another woman?

Edited August 14, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Serendipity :when a man loves you more than his wife he will leave ...a lot of children now are brought up in 2 different household and they turn out okay .

 

Unless his wife is on some level dangerous to the children and would harm them then i can understand the bull **** he is spewing about how he cannot leave bevause of his children etc..

 

He is staying because

He loves his wife more that you

She is valuable to him more than you

And she is loyal .

 

But this whole thread is full off how he is doing push and pull /how he cannot leave because of his children etc..etc..he is saying /contradicting/twisting to suits his own wants and needs

 

But he stays in the marriage for his wife .not for his children .because he loves her more than you.

 

Would you continue to have a happy affair if he said

I love my wife more than you

I will not leave her .no matter who comes and goes

My life is with her ..but I want you on the side to fulfill other needs .

 

Would you buy and stay for the above

 

Or would you /and are staying because this story you can live with that it's for his children it easier on you to believe this rather than above .because it would hurt to know he is just using you till you allow it.

 

Absolutely agree. If he was really honest and told you...

 

I love my wife more than you.

I love my children more than you.

I will never leave my home and my family because it is in my best interest to stay.

But, I'd really like you to be in my life, available to me whenever I want to see you... even if our relationship causes you pain and keeps you from moving forward to find happiness and build your own life.

 

You wouldn't stick around very long if he said that.

 

So he is smart and he says instead - that he loves you more, if only he had met you first, and he tells you that he is falling on the sword for his family but he gets no love from his wife - so he needs you in his life...

 

Serendipity, you deserve love. You deserve a devoted husband. You deserve a loving family. You deserve a partner with whom you can enjoy your life and raise a family. This is NOT your guy!

[Serendipity55]

I suppose it's more palatable for him to tell himself he's doing the right thing by staying - again as Minimariah said. We know he's not doing the right thing because that would be being faithful but I think he tells himself he is. Maybe coping mechanism because he feels he can't leave - because he doesn't want to lose access to his kids and deep down there's probably a fear of his W meeting someone else and his kids having a step-dad.

 

I do think I met him at a time of great vulnerability and sadness. I felt I would never meet anyone, I felt unattractive, sad, worried and overwhelmed at becoming a single parent. My relationship with my husband was normal - ups and downs.

 

It's funny...after he sees me he seems to go quieter. Like he's had his fix of me and can go back to his main life. If he hasn't seen me for a while he's messaging me continuously. After he has it tends to calm down a bit (still messages daily but not as constantly). I've asked him if it's guilt and he's said no. I don't think it is guilt and he doesn't seem to be afflicted with that. He has said that after he's seen me he feels reassured all is OK with us and feels more content so doesn't feel the need to speak to me constantly because the missing me subsides. I don't get that. I don't feel satisfied with that answer.

[pheonixrisen]

I suppose it's more palatable for him to tell himself he's doing the right thing by staying - again as Minimariah said. We know he's not doing the right thing because that would be being faithful but I think he tells himself he is. Maybe coping mechanism because he feels he can't leave - because he doesn't want to lose access to his kids and deep down there's probably a fear of his W meeting someone else and his kids having a step-dad.

 

I do think I met him at a time of great vulnerability and sadness. I felt I would never meet anyone, I felt unattractive, sad, worried and overwhelmed at becoming a single parent. My relationship with my husband was normal - ups and downs.

 

It's funny...after he sees me he seems to go quieter. Like he's had his fix of me and can go back to his main life. If he hasn't seen me for a while he's messaging me continuously. After he has it tends to calm down a bit (still messages daily but not as constantly). I've asked him if it's guilt and he's said no. I don't think it is guilt and he doesn't seem to be afflicted with that. He has said that after he's seen me he feels reassured all is OK with us and feels more content so doesn't feel the need to speak to me constantly because the missing me subsides. I don't get that. I don't feel satisfied with that answer.

 

.he can divorce and still get to see his kids share custody .

 

He is staying for his wife

He is not leaving because yes he would fear she may find someone and he would not be able to live with that

 

Because he loves her .

 

You fulfill a need...once that need is fulfilled he is happy on his way and does not need the contact till the need arises again .

 

People who love you are in love with you contact you regularly .not go quite on you .

 

This is about him and his needs .he will use you.tell you what you want to hear to keep you .but will not leave his wife

 

Unfortunately you may not want to believe how selfish people can really be. Because you love them and don't want to think of them that way ..but the truth is they are .

[Serendipity55]

I agree that he is undoubtedly using me but also his W. He lies to her and has been involved in an affair whilst she was pregnant. That's not love. So he's not honourable to her either. She's not winning any prize here. He treats us both badly to fulfil needs but she's not any better off - in fact worse, she's stuck.