A MM's story - really resonated with me

[Serendipity55]

Maybe I should tell his W, once his kids are older...but it doesn't sit right with me. I feel the collateral damage could not justify it.

[pheonixrisen]

I agree that he is undoubtedly using me but also his W. He lies to her and has been involved in an affair whilst she was pregnant. That's not love. So he's not honourable to her either. She's not winning any prize here. He treats us both badly to fulfil needs but she's not any better off - in fact worse, she's stuck.

 

You are right this kind of guy is a pig .

 

That's a bit sick to be in an affair while your wife is preg and msg your AP when your child is born .it says a lot about him and says a lot about you too .as you were equal participant

 

But don't be too fast to judge his wife nobody is stuck .unless they choose to be in this situation .you don't know she just may leave if she finds out

 

I think you mentioned 6 years ..thats a long time to not have been able to move forward you are stuck too or are you choosing this life for you.

 

Want better for your self ...nobody said it's easy..but take the first step and keep going away from this ..

[Serendipity55]

It's been almost a year, the affair.

 

He is a pig. Thank you all for helping me see clearer. I am angry. I am hurt. I want her to know so she can choose but I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. It's very difficult to know what the right thing to do is. Let him get away with it time and time again (maybe, she is clearly no concern of mine) or reveal who he really is...

[Serendipity55]

I agree, I have acted awfully. I have crossed boundaries. The things he has written to me would break her. They are cruel. But he has treated her terribly. Instead of being there for her he's been trying to see me, messaging me constantly, calling me, etc. It's like he has no regard for her at all. Or me. I know that only regard he has is for himself and then his kids. Nobody else.

[pheonixrisen]

Maybe I should tell his W, once his kids are older...but it doesn't sit right with me. I feel the collateral damage could not justify it.

 

I for one am all for telling the wife ...why wait ? The sooner she knows the faster the mess is out in the open ..

 

I am a bs I wish some would have told me my h was in an affair .but no one did .I found out all on my own .2 years too late.

[Serendipity55]

If it's out in the open his children will probably get hurt and that seems too far. They're innocent little people. Is it right that their image of who their father is will be forever tarnished? For me it feels too much. I am very angry with him but is that anger misdirected? Should I really just be angry with me?

[Serendipity55]

For months and months I have said to him "it's not possible to love us both the same or to same extent"..."you must love your W more". He always maintained he couldn't choose, we were so different to him, but if he could he'd leave her to be with me, if she wasn't the mother of his kids.

 

Then, last week, he told me he loved me more. He said it after he'd seen me in the flesh after 7 weeks. Could it just be limerence that made him say it? Because he's never just told me what I want to hear before, I really wanted to believe he meant it, truly felt it. Is that stupidly naive? As a mother, staying to be with your kids, loving your kids more makes sense to me. SO I believed he could love me more but love his kids even more than that and wanted to be in their lives every day for his own selfish reasons.

[BaileyB]

If it's out in the open his children will probably get hurt and that seems too far. They're innocent little people. Is it right that their image of who their father is will be forever tarnished? For me it feels too much. I am very angry with him but is that anger misdirected? Should I really just be angry with me?

 

No, you should be spittin' angry at this man - for the way he uses you, that he has exploited your vulnerability, for the fact that he has taken time and emotional energy that you should be spending building a life with your daughter so selfishly, for the fact that he has been so hurtful and disrespectful to his wife and children... I could go on and on...

 

Reading that you say the things he has written you about his wife would break hear because they are so cruel... what in the world makes you then think "this is the man for me! He is my friend, my "prince..." He is a terrible man and you have not only allowed him in your life, you would stay with him if he ever chose you...

 

Do you see a day if you were together that he would write such cruel things about you - to another woman. Because, clearly it could happen...

 

And, if it comes out, his children do not necessarily have to be tarnished forever. It is possible for parents to divorce and coparent amicably. The children are young, they will not understand and they will never remember. In fact, I have a friend who's parents divorced at age 10 because of infidelity... my mother told me what happened, I'm not even sure that my friend knows the truth of the situation.

 

So, don't think that the children will be irrevocably damaged if the truth comes out. And, don't feel like it will be your fault. You do bare responsibility for your own actions in the betrayal, but their father should accept the blame for his decisions and his actions. It was his responsibility to love their mother faithfully and make decisions that were in best interest of the family. This is HIS failure - as a husband, and as a parent.

[pheonixrisen]

Your action for truth to be out are not damaging ....his actions and all you have said are already damaging to his kids .

 

Affairs only thrive in secrecy .once it's out in the open the dynamics changes

[BaileyB]

For months and months I have said to him "it's not possible to love us both the same or to same extent"..."you must love your W more". He always maintained he couldn't choose, we were so different to him, but if he could he'd leave her to be with me, if she wasn't the mother of his kids.

 

Then, last week, he told me he loved me more. He said it after he'd seen me in the flesh after 7 weeks. Could it just be limerence that made him say it? Because he's never just told me what I want to hear before, I really wanted to believe he meant it, truly felt it. Is that stupidly naive? As a mother, staying to be with your kids, loving your kids more makes sense to me. SO I believed he could love me more but love his kids even more than that and wanted to be in their lives every day for his own selfish reasons.

 

But - he has chosen his wife! He has chosen his family!

 

I would argue that you have kept your distance and he wants to keep you closer - so, he has upped the ante. He has told you want you wanted to hear... and now, you are off-balance again, confused, communicating with him, and staying on the hook... I'm sure he's hoping that it will only be a matter of time before you are back in his bed.

[minimariah]

It's like he has no regard for her at all.

 

interesting - back to your previous posts... he had refused to introduce you to his child because he felt it wouldn't be fair to his wife. that was the right call and it shows a certain amount of consideration towards his wife. at that point, he did care for her and he had her on his mind - so what did change from then to now...?

 

I know that only regard he has is for himself and then his kids.

 

i think his "couldn't stand to be away from his kids more than a day" claims are exaggerated. for someone who claims to want to be able to see his kids EVERY DAY, he sure spends a huge chunk of time away from home - with you. you'd expect him to be a really hands on father - instead, he's spending the night with you while his wife is at home with a newborn + a toddler. that's now how an INVOLVED and caring parent behaves - usually, you spend every second being with the child because you don't want to miss a second of 1sts and growth.

 

he seems to be repeating what he thinks he needs to - he'd die for his kids, he loves them, he couldn't be able to live without them, even the 50% custody wouldn't be enough for him... in reality, he's spending his nights with you - emotionally involved with you, on medication (?). i don't doubt he loves his kids, but he doesn't really have their best interest at heart and he's exaggerating on his need for them - he definitely does not need them as much as he says he does. it seems to be some kind of tool to make himself feel a bit better because he's trying to hold on to idea that's he's - at least - a good father, suffering for the kids (victimizing himself)... it's how he copes with the fact that he's doing something wrong and the guilt. he repeats how he NEEDS and WANTS the kids even though his actions do not reflect that.

Edited August 14, 2017 by minimariah

[minimariah]

Then, last week, he told me he loved me more. He said it after he'd seen me in the flesh after 7 weeks.

 

why does it matter...?

 

hold on just a second.

 

when a man loves me... i want to hear - I LOVE YOU. i don't want to hear - oh, i love you more than XY.

 

why is that relevant to you, why do you keep going back to that sentence as if that's some kind of triumphant moment, some kind of proof that his feelings are real...? why is SHE even mentioned in the sentence about his love for YOU? are you competing with her...?

 

you keep saying that over and over again - he loves me MORE. not "he loves me" but "he loves me MORE". as if this is a race and you're trying to get to the 1st place. you're very much comparing yourself to his wife and your relationship with the one with his wife, even though you try to be understanding and empathic when it comes to her.

[BaileyB]

Then, last week, he told me he loved me more. He said it after he'd seen me in the flesh after 7 weeks. He's never just told me what I want to hear before, I really wanted to believe he meant it, truly felt it.

 

He hadn't seen you for seven weeks. He wanted to see you, to re-engage. What is the one thing he can do to get your attention?

 

Oh yeah - he can pull out the big guns and tell you something that you have always wanted to hear - that he loves you, more than he loves his wife.

 

Did he accomplish his goal? Did he get your attention? Are you still talking to him?

 

Do I believe that he loves you - possibly. But, words are just words until there is an action to back them up. A man beats his wife, and then says "forgive me. I love you." Do you trust the words, or the actions? Would you advise this woman to stay in an unsafe situation because "he loves her" or leave because, her husband has clearly demonstrated that he is violent?

 

A man who truly loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with her. It is possible to divorce and co-parent. He could chose you, but he hasn't done that.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. You deserve so much more!

[Serendipity55]

Yes, I do seem to be locked into some sort of competition with her. I don't know why.

 

He changed his mind on me meeting his children. I've met his older child and spent time alone with the older child. I didn't feel comfortable doing it but the child asked me to play and I felt I couldn't say no and he encouraged it. Also he said seeing me with his child made him 'melt' and deepened how he felt about me.

 

He's definitely upped the ante. I can't believe I fell for it. I so desperately wanted to believe him. To feel validated. To feel like I had something. I feel incredibly stupid that as an intelligent woman I fell for it. So angry with myself. SO glad I posted here.

[Serendipity55]

He had come to see me perform with a group I am in. It wasn't a work thing. After, we were dancing on our own, at my house, and he said it. We were singing our song to each other and he said it then. It felt real when he held me, looked into my eyes and said it. I am so sad I've been hoodwinked so spectacularly. So cruel to say that and not mean it. Thanks for everyones honesty. It's very helpful.

[BaileyB]

Yes, I do seem to be locked into some sort of competition with her. I don't know why.

 

He changed his mind on me meeting his children. I've met his older child and spent time alone with the older child. I didn't feel comfortable doing it but the child asked me to play and I felt I couldn't say no and he encouraged it. Also he said seeing me with his child made him 'melt' and deepened how he felt about me.

 

He's definitely upped the ante. I can't believe I fell for it. I so desperately wanted to believe him. To feel validated. To feel like I had something. I feel incredibly stupid that as an intelligent woman I fell for it. So angry with myself. SO glad I posted here.

 

I can imagine that it's only natural to want the time and affection you have invested in the relationship to mean something. I think it's only natural to want to know that the feelings are returned.

 

And, I think it's human nature to be competitive. And envious. And jealous... it doesn't make it right, but perhaps it's inevitable.

 

And if I may, of all the things you have shared the fact that he is engaging with you days after his wife has given birth to his child and he has introduced you to his other child are the most disturbing.

 

Can you imagine, your husband leaves your child alone with the woman with whom he is having an affair... my goodness, if I was his wife and I learned my husband had done this I think I would shoot first, and ask questions later... Not to be unkind, but what we're you thinking? You simply must learn how to say the word "No! This is wrong and I will not do this."

[Serendipity55]

Oh and he knows another man has asked to take me to dinner. He thinks I am moving on (I should be I know) so I guess he said it to keep me. He said it and then said "thought of another man kissing you makes me want to hit him but I wouldn't and I want you to be happy so I'd have to support you in leaving me because I value my kids more than I do you and me leaving to be with you would be like saying I value you more".

[Serendipity55]

You're right, I should have said "No" - a very long time ago. I am very much in the wrong here.

[BaileyB]

Oh and he knows another man has asked to take me to dinner. He thinks I am moving on (I should be I know) so I guess he said it to keep me. He said it and then said "thought of another man kissing you makes me want to hit him but I wouldn't and I want you to be happy so I'd have to support you in leaving me because I value my kids more than I do you and me leaving to be with you would be like saying I value you more".

 

Yup! He said it... He doesn't ever want to "say" that he values you more - than his kids, his family, and ultimately, his wife.

 

And as you are competitive with his wife...

He feels competitive about any man that you date.

 

Which is why, he said what he said... At the perfect moment, when you were singing your song, dancing in each other's arms... He's a smart man. He knows how to create and seize an opportunity.

[Ruffian1]

I've met his older child and spent time alone with the older child. I didn't feel comfortable doing it but the child asked me to play and I felt I couldn't say no and he encouraged it. Also he said seeing me with his child made him 'melt' and deepened how he felt about me.

 

He's definitely upped the ante. I can't believe I fell for it. I so desperately wanted to believe him. To feel validated

.

 

Deepened how he felt, lol, what a load of crap.

 

He's a slick one, using his daughter. Do you have any idea how that child would feel later finding out what was going on.

 

That not only damages the W but the child.

 

Ask my daughter. It was done to her as a child and she was "sickened" by it later when she found out.

[pheonixrisen]

He is reeling you in with bull****

 

If I leave to be with you that means I value you not the kids more ...do you not see he is guilt tripping you .like you are asking me to choose my kids over you ?

 

What he is really saying is I cannot be with you like how you want but I want you to stick around because you fulfill my other needs ..and asking me otherwise to leave makes you look like a monster what kind of a woman would want me to value her more than my kids

 

Same kids who during thier birth was busy texting you .

Same kids who instead of helping his wife with a new born and toddler is busy spending time with you

 

And it is very disturbing you asked to meet his kids

It's one thing to involve your self in a affair .you want young children involved in the betrayal .playing with his older child?

 

And he milking it further that he fell more in love with you when you were playing with the child:cool:

 

So again why does he not leave ?

[wmacbride]

op,

the more you post about him, the more it's making it sound like he treats you as some sort of therapist.

 

You calm him down, talking to you makes his marriage palatable, you centre him, etc., etc., etc.

 

For all that you ( and he) both say you give to him, for the life of me I just can't see what he gives you in return. In fact, I think all he does is take.

[elaine567]

Want better for your self ...nobody said it's easy..but take the first step and keep going away from this ..

 

It is not going to happen.

Serendipity is stuck, far more stuck than the wife is actually.

The wife does not have the full picture and once she does, she will perhaps up and leave. She will not be the first wife to leave a cheating husband and take all her kids with her, it happens...

 

Serendipity knows the full story yet accepts the status quo, he is going nowhere and she is going nowhere, hope keeps her stuck.

She may get angry for a while but he turns on the ILYs, introduces a bit of competition with the wife, like he did to get her into bed the other night, and she is putty in his hands.

 

The "he stayed till 3am despite his wife going nuts", was triumphal.

She then asks "Would a man do that if he really was devoted to family life?" = "I am winning here, he now loves me more than her and he is in my house and we are having sex whilst she is distraught wondering where he is..."

 

She is still defending him and her position in his life, in his kids' life too...

 

On day one of this thread, Serendipity was trying hard not to resume the affair, now despite nodding sagely at all the advice given here, it is resumed...

 

She is besotted, she is quite happy to help him cheat on his wife, she is still hoping she can oust the wife somehow and I guess she is going to be in hell for years to come... whether he leaves or not.

 

Self-sabotage can be strangely comforting...

 

Self-sabotage is not an act, it's a process, a complex, tragic process that pits people against their own thoughts and impulses. Though we all make mistakes, a true self-saboteur continues to try to fix those mistakes by top-loading them with increasingly bad decisions.

[BaileyB]

It is not going to happen.

Serendipity is stuck, far more stuck than the wife is actually.

The wife does not have the full picture and once she does, she will perhaps up and leave. She will not be the first wife to leave a cheating husband and take all her kids with her, it happens...

 

Serendipity knows the full story yet accepts the status quo, he is going nowhere and she is going nowhere, hope keeps her stuck.

 

Sadly, I think there is truth in this.

[minimariah]

Also he said seeing me with his child made him 'melt' and deepened how he felt about me.

 

this is... disturbing. let's use logic for a second & be rational - this child has a mother and it is NOT you. so why would seeing the child with you DEEPEN his feelings...? obviously - you'll be kind and nice with EVERY child you meet, that's just how normal people are. kids are cute, you play with them, make them smile and they make you smile... i mean... how are his feelings related to seeing you with his own child you're a complete stranger to...? it's incredibly odd.

 

and i'm not sure how did the entire "i love you more than XY" go - did you ask him that...? so he responded with a yes? or did he say that on his own...? because i find it really weird to involve someone else into a love statement. like, i literally cannot imagine telling my husband - i love you more than XY.

 

a simple "i love you" would have been more than enough. i find it problematic the fact that he (or you) had to clarify with using the wife as some kind of starting point.